SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have thrown in the towel and bracing for divorce.

My husband was not faithful before or during our marriage. He had underlying mental health from trauma that came to the surface but following that in a period where I asked for time to heal he slept with someone else and when confronted lied again and again. It is clear he has learned nothing and I am ready to move on but I cannot shift an overwhelming feeling of sadness when I see him.

We still live together at the moment and I don't have any RL support that has been through this. How do I navigate this sadness and how long will I be tormented by it? We fell out of love so I wasn't expecting sadness to take over

It's normal and it's part of the grieving process. Unfortunately, there's no specific time frame for when the sadness will go away. Are you able to able to go to IC? It may help you through this time. You may want to see your doctor so that you can rule out depression.

A long time ago, I read an article about something that didn't turn out the way you planned. Let's pretend that you're going on a fabulous trip to Italy (or someplace that may fit you better.) You plan for the trip, you research sites that you want to see, you research the weather for the timeframe you'll be there, you buy weather-appropriate clothes, you pack and then it's time to go to the airport. You get to the airport and you're so excited when you board the plane. The plane takes off and after several hours, your plane lands in....Sweden. There's nothing wrong with Sweden and it's a wonderful place, but you really expected to be in Italy. You have to go buy some different clothes and the sites you visit aren't the ones you'd planned, but Sweden is great.

I sometimes say to myself, "I'm in Sweden" as a reminder. I may not be where I'd originally planned, but the place where I am has infinite benefits, albeit different ones. Not lesser, just different.

And post in the Stay No Contact - Post it Here thread on the forum when you need to. Blast away at what you'd really like to tell him with the ability to stay NC. It can really help when you need to vent.

I posted in the stay no contact and wow that was cathartic! I have had IC and do believe I am in a good place I think I am just flawed I feel sadness when I see him as I feel fine when I don't!

I think the Italy vs Sweden thing makes it almost make sense. I guess I am disappointed in him as a person. I think I want him to be the person I thought he was but no amount of wanting makes it true. I will forever say I am in Sweden when this feeling comes over me

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply

[This message edited by DayDreamBeliever at 4:06 PM, Wednesday, January 24th]

The sadness will last a while. Not constantly, not always front and center. But it can linger. There are ways to help, though.

Being aware of it is one part. Naming it, seeing it, identifying it, acknowledging it. Letting the feeling exist. And if it hangs around a little too long, then do a gratefulness exercise to help redirect your brain.

My IC helped, but also just a mindfulness that it was normal and will ease over time.
Not having to look at him daily will help too. From all accounts here on SI, IHS is hard and things improve when you are not cohabitating. Until you are not living together, create your own space. Start adding new hobbies or habits (long walks, go to the gym, volunteer somewhere, read every book from your favorite author…).

As you D and build your new life, you will have waves of sadness. But also waves of pride and peace and contentment. And then joy and happiness. I also have found that I have to acknowledge a quieter type of happiness and joy that may not be as easy to see.

Once you start the D process, the cat will eventually be let out of the bag. Will you then share with people IRL? Are you in IC?

The the quickest way for the sadness to pass is to get away from your ex and go no contact.

I can't go no contact as we have a young child together.

I am not in IC but I don't feel I need it I think I just need to hear that it's normal to feel sad even when you feel free at the same time. I am keen to get the ball rolling as I don't want to waste any more years.

It was predictable we would end this way but I just feel so disappointed in him

I have told some friends but none of them are in this position. They are all in relationships so I feel very alone

[This message edited by DayDreamBeliever at 10:38 PM, Friday, January 26th]

For me, meditation helped. One of the things that one of the instructors said was that feelings are not facts. Think of them like fluffy clouds in the sky. They are there, they exist, but they will move on. I have access to Headspace as an employee benefit, but there are some free apps out there that look good.

If the sadness lingers, you may want to see a doctor for some meds. I was on antidepressants for a little over a year. Your brain chemistry can get out of whack, and meds can help get them back on track and you can wean off. I've been off my meds for a few years now, but make sure I don't slip back into depression.

Give yourself time to grieve what you thought you had. It's like a death, so give yourself time to grieve.

I have two young children with my WW. I am no contact apart from kids logistics. Usually I copy paste the same text as before because it’s always about times.

I’ve cut out all her enabler friends and piece of shit family because why would I want to know these people?

My sadness has now gone. I have done a lot of thinking about all the things I want to do when I am rid of him. Sadly we need to stay in our house together for a short time but I really don't like him anymore. I am finding everything about him annoying.

- I hate the way he tries to get involved when I'm telling our son not to do something "listen to your mum!" ha as if you ever did knob head

- I hate the way he patronises me by thanking me for the sensible conversations we are having. He couldn't tell the truth even when directly challenged on it. I don't count that as very grown up

- I hate the way he acts like he is a broken person who needs fixing. No mate this is who you are. You have no excuses left to hide behind. You are a compulsive liar. Why change the habit of a life time now?

-I hate the fakery around how he is trying to be a better person. Suddenly reading up on affairs and the damage they cause as if he gives a crap

Good on you. You can see him for what he really is now. A shallow narc

Read up on lovebombing. It is very easy to see things from afar and/or after the rose colored glasses are off.

Lovebombing includes making promises, sweet talking you, doing or appearing to do everything and anything to get out of the dog house. It is temporary and eventually the behavior returns to pre-DDay patterns.

I’m sorry you are struggling with all of this. But the day you remove the cheater from your day to day life you will breathe a bit easier.

Just know that for most cheaters — especially serial cheaters, the thrill is in the chase. He will chase you as long as he can or until you give in. And once you give in he will revert back to cheating. It’s their nature.

I hope this helps you.