SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

it´s only been about 6 weeks since he finally told me about the different affairs or the cheating he had done.
It was a lot more than I thought it was, I didn´t have any proof, I had my gut feeling and then some lies I had caught him in, not lies about cheating though.
I have been very careful of accusing him of cheating because I was in a mentally abusive relationship where I was accused of cheating over and over again when I hadn´t and I would never cheat.
I have been a complete wreck since he told me, right before x-mass, thank you very much. We have four children in our home, three teens and a baby that I have with him, so not much time to talk about it, not at all as much time as I need to talk about it. On top of that, he didn´t tell me the truth or the full truth right away and I really had to be careful and calm when asking questions about it, so that he would not just get upset and leave. he thinks I talk to much about it and want´s a brake.. I don´t get a brake so I can´t give him a brake. I don´t think he deserves a brake or really even deserves to be with me.
So most of the cheating happened before we got married, at a time when we were in a long distance relationship.
I had specifically asked him if he would like to be monogamous or if he would like to be in an open relationship because of the distance, he said he would like to be monogamous with me and had many reasons and experience with open relationships to back up his choice.
I am very intense when I love someone and I thought that I had finally found the right person who liked all my touching and caring for him. I knitted him a sweater and went on to knit his whole little family sweaters to show my love for him and them. Meanwhile he was having affairs with two different women, who he would keep in touch with and then when in town he would have sex with them, he also paid for sex once in that time and then also had sex with a nurse who had taken care of him after a fire he was in a decade ago, and then he also flew to a different state to have sex with this one woman who tempted him with sexy photos after exchanging numbers after one of his shows, this all happened before we were engaged but then he cheated again in London on a work trip one night when he bought himself a blowjob. He says he had started feeling guilty and wrong about it and considered to stop before the three last times, and each one felt worse and worse .. I ask myself if that is true, what is going to stop him next time? I also ask myself, is there any way to trust someone who has this kind of a problem and treats you with such disrespect and honestly it feels de-humanizing to be cheated on.
I told my best friends about it because I had to, they are all very supportive of me and won´t judge what ever decision I make. My teens also know now, I tried to keep it a secret from them but it wasn´t possible anymore and they just want me to feel better obviously. I feel pressure from him, the teens and some of my friends to make up my mind, but my mind doesn´t feel ready.
Thanks to this site I read the " just found out" and saw that it´s normal to take up to 6 months to make any decisions and I am relived but at the same time I want to move forward with my life and make a decision and just get this over with but of course it´s not how this shit works...
Thank you all who read this, any advice on how to make the right decision, any signs of true remorse or the opposite ?

First of all, welcome to the club you never wanted to join.

Second, your husband is a serial cheater. Seriously, he started to feel guilty after 2 or 3 times? How many more will he "feel guilty" about in the future?

Third, you should take all the time you need to decide what you want to do. Since he so selfishly decided that monogamy no longer suited him, then you should take time to decide if this marriage is worth you.

Fourth, lots of self-care, and I recommend individual therapy for both you and him. If he’s really sorry, he then time for him to back that up with actions. And therapy for you is to help you process all this.

Good luck. Sending you hugs

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you had to find us. You take the time YOU NEED to decide. I gave myself 6 month increments, but it took about 18 months to get there. You can take 6 minutes, 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years. Healing isn't going to be the same for everybody, and there can be setbacks. You can make your decision when your mind IS ready.

The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that are really good. Also, there are some non-pinned posts that are really good, such as Before You Say Reconcile - Recover. Before you decide whether to stay or go, you need some healing to take place.

You have suffered trauma, and this can cause PTSD. Right now, focus on you and your children. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Stay hydrated, eat even if it's only protein drinks. You may wish to see your doctor and be tested for STDs/STIs.

Your WH (wayward husband) needs IC to work on his whys. He doesn't seem to have his head in the right place if he's not willing to talk about it and is pressuring you to make a decision. He's not considering your needs and is only wanting to not accept accountability for his actions. And at this point, watch his actions. Cheaters lie, and then they lie some more.

We're here to get you out of infidelity, whether that is R or D. Feel free to post as you need.

Thank you all for your replies. I am wondering now, how can I see if he is truly remorseful? I am not sure I know, but at the same time I don´t feel remorse from him, even though he says he is remorseful and in between he has shown me some more understanding and love, but it always ends up with him getting tired of me talking about it and starts to turn it around and say that I am hurting him. Just last night I was telling him how this made me feel, I had been doing that for the most part of the evening while waiting for our food at a kebab place, there I get to say whatever without him becoming mad, because there are other people.
Then we spent the evening in different places and when we were together again it all came up again and I just had this feeling of him not really truly understanding or comprehending the severity of what he did. I told him how this has been making me feel like I am loosing my mind ( before I knew ) and how this can cause PTSD and so on and then he said, " ever seen a study done, on how it affects people when they are reminded over and over again of their wrong doings" ? .. it just made me so upset that he would just turn around and think of the hurt he is feeling and not realizing it´s his own fault, he hurt me, but he hurt himself by hurting me .. I can´t get over how stupid I think cheating is! how stupid can a person be! And at the same time I wonder, maybe if I just cheat on him intentionally and with him knowing it, then maybe it will feel better somehow. And I know it´s a risky and def not the right thing to do.. I can´t get there even though I am hurting this much. I assume you have been there.
I am very thankful for having this platform, I really do not want to be alone in this and have to figure this out on my own, and having a collective of experienced people is what I need now.
One of my friend said that he won the game, by lying so why would he feel remorse, he got all of what he wanted, me for himself and casual sex whenever he wanted and then me marrying him and having his baby. Maybe she is right and maybe that´s why he can´t show proper remorse and is just thinking of himself.

Hey OP, I'm sorry you need this place. I read your posts and you are reeling. You are right. Thisxis significant trauma and your WH just doesn't get it.

You arexatcthe beginning ofva very steep learning curve, and the crowd-sourced wisdom of this place is invaluable. I've been here for years now and it has helped me grow and heal. Just keep posting and reading. As well, don't dismiss advice outright if itvrubs you the wrong way. Ask yourselfvwhy it affects you in that way. It may be that it cuts a little close for comfort. That being said, we all come with our biases and you need to account for that in our advice.

I noticed a few things in your post that stood out for me:

I was in a mentally abusive relationship where I was accused of cheating over and over again when I hadn´t and I would never cheat.

This made me think of projection. My W was always an incredibly jealous person, and would freak out if there were beautiful women around. I hated that behaviour as I was fiercely loyal. Turns out, she was just projecting her character traits onto me. A well formed and fully mature individual does not do these things.

[Quote]it always ends up with him getting tired of me talking about it and starts to turn it around and say that I am hurting him.

And

then he said, " ever seen a study done, on how it affects people when they are reminded over and over again of their wrong doings" ?

This is classic DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. It's worth looking up and watching some videos. My WW was a master of this, so we could never get anything constructive accomplished when we disagreed. Shecwas always the real victim in every situation.

And finally

One of my friend said that he won the game, by lying so why would he feel remorse, he got all of what he wanted, me for himself and casual sex whenever he wanted and then me marrying him and having his baby.

I think your friend may be onto something. The key phrase for me is "won the game". From the little I've read from you, your WH sounds like he might have something wrong with him. I'm not going to attempt to diagnose him, but I see some red flags. Lack of empathy, using people as objects (paying for sex), manipulating the conversation for his own ends, etc. Now, we all do this from time to time, but you might want to step back and look for patterns over time.

Over the years, I've tried to figure out my EXWW and have come to the conclusion that she isn't narcissistic or sociopathic. Although she displays some characteristics, she has ADHD and is probably on the spectrum as well (runs in her family). She lacks empathy and can be socially awkward, though only mildly. Neither of her traits are her fault, but they don't mesh well with my personality at all, and in fact, she was quite able and more than willing to leverage my traits to serve her ends.

My advice. Take time to process. Learn to separate the man you thought you married from the one in front of you. Use the aggregate wisdom of this site and run stuff through the bullshit processor by posting and reading. And lastly, give yourself grace. Non of us went to infidelity school to prepare for this stuff.

maybe if I just cheat on him intentionally and with him knowing it, then maybe it will feel better somehow.

That's called a revenge affair (RA), and then you become a madhatter (MH). Although an RA sounds like it might be helpful, it really isn't. I thought about it for a minute, but knew that I would violate my moral code and I didn't.

how can I see if he is truly remorseful?

For one, he would try to be empathetic, he wouldn't get mad and leave (you can call a time out so you can calm down and talk more), he would be in IC to work on becoming a safe partner, etc.

And he wouldn't be making cracks like this:

ever seen a study done, on how it affects people when they are reminded over and over again of their wrong doings

I've seen tons of studies on things that infidelity will do to you. This is intimate partner betrayal - being betrayed by somebody that you rely on for survival. It can cause PTSD, C-PTSD, you can get cancer and die from STDs, it can cause Takotsubo cardiomyopathy also known as broken heart syndrome, it can cause lesions on your brain similar to those of a stroke victim, it can cause anxiety, depression...and more.

On YouTube, Dr. Ramani has some free videos. She's an expert on narcissistic abuse (I'm not saying your WH is one), but she covers all kinds of topics and may give you some insights. She did a series on the verbiage of narcs, like flying monkeys, projection, and more that was helpful for me. Another one that is really good is one she did on trauma bonding. It's similar to co-dependency, but there are some differences. She explained that sometimes your brain chemistry gets a little scrambled and you literally can't think straight.

Your partner’s darvo response is very concerning to me.

Are you able to get some personal counselling? Whilst SI is a great support forum, I am feeling you could really benefit from support in real life that will help you feel more impervious to the kind of weaselly darvo words he’s employing. Focus on strengthening yourself but pay close attention to whether he begins to show any signs of becoming a supportive remorseful partner, or indeed signs that he is unlikely to become one.

Hi Adel... finding out a spouse betrayed you is heartbreaking.

Know, a truly remorseful WS feels horrible about their betrayal; acknowledges that they've deeply hurt you- the person they said they loved and cherished. Truly remorseful spouses are willing and eager to do what is necessary to help their BS process what happened and heal from it.

Your WH said he felt guilty. That is what you've described. He wants you to stop making him feel bad for his behavior; stop making him feel bad for the hurt he caused you and his family. "You talk too much about it" and "he needs a break" are hallmarks of someone who just wants you to be quiet and go away; forget about it. He expects you to carry HIS cross for him, the one he tried to carry but couldn't so he dumped it on you. There is no love in that. That is guilt. As of now, he doesn't appear interested in helping you resolve any of this.

I agree he's a serial cheater. Look up the character traits of a serial cheater. Then look up the traits for Cluster B personalities. It might be enlightening.

thank you all for your replies, it´s helpful to be here. When he finally told me this, I had been in IC and GC working on myself and my traumas from past relationship and other sexual assault in my life and we had also started CT, and that made it come out.
I have watched Dr. Ramani because of a former relationship with a narc and I thought I knew the signs, he is very different and less obvious in his manipulation and lies, he doesn´t usually say mean things to me and is mostly loving and caring so I ignored my gut, also because of lack of proof. I plan on continuing working on myself and I am lucky I live in Iceland and I can get help from my government to do so. I am a hypnotherapist myself and I understand the importance of self reflection and IC for my self and others. Thank you all for the reminder of thinking of my self and my children, it´s always good to be reminded especially after a shock like this. I have been wondering if I should let him read this, what I wrote and also all of the replies.
He is also in IC, just started and I asked him if he was excited to work on himself and he said he wasn´t and didn´t see how anyone could be. I will keep all of your advises in mind and be aware of how he has before managed to make me believe his truth when I know better.

You are in shock. There's no expiration date. You can decide now, six months from now, a year, two, ten. And yes, if you try to R and YEARS from now decide it's just too much despite the work, then you can leave then, too.

You didn't break the marriage.

Be kind to yourself.

Do not let him know about this site. This is your safe space and if he is a narcissist, he will use the information to manipulate you.

If you have trouble recognizing his narcissistic tendencies (not saying he is one) it may be that he is a covert narcissist.

It's my understanding that narcissists are not terribly common, under 5% if I recall. But research is showing that it, like many other disorders, is a spectrum. Who knows what he has, and frankly what does it matter what label you give it. You just need to decide if it is toxic and unhealthy for you.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 12:17 AM, Sunday, January 28th]

I am very sorry about what brought you here.

Please take exquisite care of yourself and your children. I am sure you know all of the things including eating right, protecting yourself from stds by getting testing and ensuring that the people we trust with our sexual health are trustworthy or we willingly accept the risks (consent), protecting yourself financially, getting emotional and physical care.

My regrets are that I did not put myself first and I allowed myself to be manipulated and lost many years and resources to infidelity.

I wish you peace and healing.

Very important what Justsomeguy wrote…

“Do not let him know about this site. This is your safe space and if he is a narcissist, he will use the information to manipulate you.”

[This message edited by pearlamici at 1:27 AM, Sunday, January 28th]