SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been lurking for a few weeks and finally feeling strong enough to share my story.

I've been with my WH for 15 years and married 7 with a 6 year old child together.

I found out at the start of the year my husband had a ONS.

He had symptoms of a UTI and I jokingly said you better not have an STI. After seeing the panic on his face my world came crashing down. He went to the doctor's who couldn't seem to diagnose UTI and then went and got an STI test, he still wasn't forthcoming about the ONS until I basically badgered him and he eventually admitted to it. At the time he said he couldn't remember exactly when it was but was years ago, after lots more questioning I managed to work out the night in question (back in 2019) he says it was a random woman from a club and they went back to her house, he didn't finish (too much to drink rather than guilt) and then he left.

Not excusing his behaviour but at the time he was taking drugs which I knew a little about, I thought at the time it was the odd occurrence but later found out it had become an addition. He stopped the drugs all together about a year ago which I know for a fact as he will do tests to prove.

To begin with I was strangely calm and considered but now we're 4-5 weeks on its actually sinking in and I'm so angry and hurt. It's holding me back that he 'can't remember' this woman's name or specifically where she lives. He has given the area which she lives. I know it makes no difference but I feel like it would validate the story in my head which is currently ever so vague. I must admit he has provided all other details I've asked for without hesitation.

He seems genuinely remorseful and has been absolutely devastated seeing the impact this has had on me, luckily the std tests came back negative and he sobbed in relief after convincing himself he had possibly given me something and I'd have had it for 4 years. He has started IC and has been understanding in whatever I've asked for and isn't putting pressure on me to make a decision. He has made it clear he's in it for as long as I'll allow him to be and he is vowing to do whatever it takes to prove he is a safe person.

I'm not even sure what I'm hoping to gain by sharing this, but whilst R is on the table I'm not ready to share with friends or family.

I may be naive but I'm not actually thinking about what if he does it again, it's more just the hurt of how could he do this to me and our daughter, was this just a one off and how the hell do I ever move past it.

Sorry that was an awful lot longer and more jumbled than I expected it to be so well done if you've made it this far.

Welcome to SI. Before you go much farther, I recommend reading the bull'seyed posts on the 2nd page of this forum and the 1st post in the Wayward Side forum, Things that every WS need to know. The WS post will give you some insight into the actions you can expect from a remorseful WS.

How did your H stop the drugs? I think that makes a big difference in how to respond to his infidelity.

IMO, infidelity is a side effect of drug addiction - the drugs reduce inhibitions in someone who doesn't care about their life anyways, so there are fewer barriers to cheating and its devastating effects.

Whatever the cause of an A, though, it's almost guaranteed to dump immense pain - anger, grief, fear, shame - onto the BS. Your healing, IMO, is to feel the pain and let it go - feeling the pain lets it go. There's so much pain that you'll probably feel it will never end, but it will if you let it. A good IC can help. Once you start accepting the pain, your head will clear, and you'll figure out what you want. That will take longer than you want it to take, but have some faith in yourself. You're stronger than you realize.

You did not cause this. Especially under the influence of drugs, your WS chose to cheat. He might have let drugs do the choosing, but he chose the drug.

I agree with not outing your H to friends and family with R still a possibility. You almost definitely need someone to talk with. SI is great for peer counseling, but one-to-one real time conversation provides a different kind of help.

You'll find all sorts of comments here on SI. Some will tell you what to do; some will aim at helping you figure out what you want to do. I'd trust the advice that builds your strength to go your own way.

From your description, your H may be a good candidate for R. That does NOT mean you have to R, but if he is a good candidate, you have 2 good options.

Have some faith in yourself. Be kind to yourself. You didn't cause this. You can survive and thrive, with or without your WS.

Here's something I wrote long ago:

Let's go back to basics:

I recommend thinking of R as 3 healings:

1) You heal you. Most BSes are inundated with immense amounts of one or more of grief, anger, fear, shame on d-day. The largest part of your work is to process those feelings out of your body. A good IC can help you do this.

2) Your WS heals themself. They need to change from cheater to good partner. I think that requires IC for the WS, but others disagree.

3) Together you build a new M.

This means you can recover from being betrayed without your WS; that is, you can survive this crisis and thrive without your WS, but you need your WS to R. You can heal yourself because you control yourself. You don't control your WS. I recommend making 'survive and thrive' your primary goal and R your stretch goal.

Have you read the Healing Library here? If not, there's a lot of good stuff there. Click the link in the yellow box in the upper left of the SI pages.

I think there are a number of keys ingredients to R.

First, what do you want? Do you really want R? If not, don't lie to yourself - both R & D are morally good responses to being betrayed. R is hard work, and wanting it makes it less difficult, but it's difficult even when you want it.

I recommend figuring out your requirements for R and seeing if your WS will sign on. If they won't, perhaps they can come up with something else that will meet your requirements, but if you can't negotiate something truly acceptable to both of you, great - you can go directly to D. Otherwise, you can monitor them for 3-6 months and commit to R for yourself if they are (is?) consistent in meeting your requirements.

The requirements need to be observable and measurable. That way it's easy to monitor progress and make adjustments as you go along.

Common requirements include:

NC - no contact with ap; if ap initiates contact, report to BS and together decide how to respond

Transparency - BS has passwords to e-mail, voice-mail, phones, etc.; WS keeps BS informed of whereabouts, activities, and companions at virtually all times

Honesty - WS answers BS's questions when they're asked, although sometimes a break is necessary, sometimes an answer is best deferred to MC session, etc., no more lies.

IC for WS - to change the thoughts and feelings that supported the A, with signed release that enables C to talk with BS about WS's goals and progress (so the BS can make sure WS's IC isn't being lied to).

IC for BS - for support - and for resolving any internal issue that comes up

MC - to help communications between the partners. Be careful to avoid MCs who don't deal with the A first. An MC who starts off trying to identify systemic problems probably won't help. You need someone who will help resolve the trauma before going into systemic problems.

Some (Most?) people have individual requirements - my W had to arrange dates for us on a weekly basis and must initiate sex sometimes. What do you want from your W?

And R is a joint endeavor - if one of you hides objections to the other's requirements, you sabotage R. And you have to see your WS as a human being of worth equal to your own to make R work. You don't have to see your WS as a human being whose worth is equal to your own, but you sure can't R, except with an equal.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:53 PM, Friday, February 2nd]

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. Sorry that you've had to become one of us. Please take a look in our Healing Library because it contains the list of acronyms we use. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that I hope you've been able to read.

Has he read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald? I recommend you read it, too. It can be used as a starting point for what he needs to do to help you. You can discuss what you need versus what you feel you don't need.

Right now, please focus on you and your child. One of the articles here says to recover before you say reconcile. Please take care of yourself and heal before you decide what is the right path for you. If you need meds for depression, anxiety, sleep, talk to your doctor. Sometimes you may need something short-term to help you through the rough stages.

Watch actions and don't listen to the words. He can say anything, but if he's not doing the work to become a safe partner, the words are useless.

Again, sorry that you're here.

Hi Iceberg,

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

At the time he said he couldn't remember exactly when it was but was years ago, after lots more questioning I managed to work out the night in question (back in 2019) he says it was a random woman from a club and they went back to her house, he didn't finish (too much to drink rather than guilt) and then he left.

Gently, and without discounting your pain here, I suspect this may not be the entire story. It is extremely common for a WS to minimize upon discovery and a random ONS while he's on drugs/alcohol with an unnamed woman from years ago (where he didn't even finish) an he can't even remember where she lived, is about the best you could minimize an STD. I don't know you or him but I"m willing to bet there is more to this story than he is providing. I recommend you keep digging. Check emails, text messages, google maps history, phone records, bank records, etc etc. to see if there is anything out of sorts. My guess is that he is protecting something.

If those avenues do not pan out, I suggest that you see how he reacts to the threat of polygraph.

Finally, why is a married man with a 2 year old going to clubs?

He's basically checked all of the bullshit lies in the cheaters handbook.

Years ago. Random woman. Didn't even finish.

It's very possible he has been having an affair,and these are the lies he's telling you to protect her. It's a very common story.

Google reputable polygraph administrators in your area, and schedule a test.

He will agree. Because,obviously, if he refuses, it's clear he's lying.

He will probably drop a major truth bomb,hoping you will think you have the truth,and cancel the test. Always follow through with the test.

I know this is hard to hear. It's better to find the truth now than spend time in False R.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:04 PM, Friday, February 2nd]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I'm not sure how to reply to individual replies so...

Sisoon - He gave up the drugs of his own accord after realising things has spiralled. I also see the correlation between the drugs and cheating. I'm not allowing it to be used as an excuse but definitely feel it lowered his inhibitions and enabled a carefree attitude.

In terms of what I want to do... Honestly I'm unsure, I can't really tell right now and I'm adamant not to make a rash decision. My initial thoughts were R but I think until i have monitored his actions and efforts for some time it's too early to say.

Leafields - thank you I will definitely check out the book.

Emergent8 - Thanks for your reply, I agree the vagueness of the story is very convenient, whilst I'm confident it wasn't an ongoing affair I am not convinced I'm getting the whole truth and wonder if it was in fact someone he knew or I knew. I don't think at the time (especially with the drugs) that he would have emotionally invested in someone else as the drug was the priority. Phone access has always been readily available although I've never particularly bothered looking unless checking more for evidence of drug use. He doesn't have social media and is limited with anything tech so emails wouldn't be relevant. It is a possibility there was more than one ONS and dates have been kept vague to cover that fact.

As for the comment on why he was in a club, he used to go out probably 3-4 times a year with friends for birthday/work dos etc so it wasn't a super regular thing. He hasn't been out to a club now for probably 12-18 months.

Gently...he doesn't have any social media that you know of.

BS come here and say that same thing. And,it turns out, their WH is much more knowledgeable than their BS realizes.

Hellfire - thank you for your comments. I appreciate that I could be being hugely naive and WH has obviously been deceitful so I need to be wary.

I'm confident it wasn't an ongoing affair

Many bs believe this. When would he have had the time? He was never late from work. We're always together. Etc.

They find the time. Sometimes the ow is a coworker. Or they say they're at work,and they're not. Overtime is spent in a hotel. They find a way.

Please don't think you are naive. No one here thinks that. Your husband might,but we don't.

Our bullshit meters are finely tuned. And cheaters aren't very original.

He has proven he is capable of great deception. IF his story is true, then he has had zero problem lying to you,every day, for 4 years. It would be prudent of you to not believe anything he says, without proof.

Schedule a polygraph. He should jump at the chance to prove he's been honest.

Also..get tested for stds. Both of you. Tell him you want to see his results from the doctor.

Sadly, Hellfire is right that it is entirely possible that he’s lying to you still, including about huge elements of it like the the time frame and the degree of physicality.

My wife confessed to me of her own volition. But when she confessed, she lied, she told me it was just one time, that it was a "slip up" with a friend and then she put the lid on it and they went back to being "just friends". I listened to the BS meter here at SI, told her I wanted a polygraph, and low and behold it comes out that it was a three year affair, way more than one time, you get the picture. Oh, and then a year later more lies are discovered.

I’m sorry for you, I know what you are going thru and it’s hell on earth. But your path out of it goes thru reality, so for your own good you need to find it and face it. You can’t believe him, and you can’t trust him to put your desperately important needs above his desire to cover his own ass. You will do well to have a very strong skepticism at this stage.

I truly hope for peace and rest for you in this terrible time.

Hello, nice to meet you but sorry to hear your story. I’m also sorry to say that if he looked so panic-stricken about a possible STI as recently as you report then that seems evidence in itself of extramarital sexual activity much more recently than 2019. Possibly with paid partners given his obvious worry about an STI. You’ve had good advice above - mort urgently read the thrive and survive post already mentioned. At this stage, he’s a proven liar and that’s the basis you have to proceed on. That is the most crucial bit of information you have now, pay heed to it. Welcome, keep posting, we’re here for you.