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Throughout our relationship my WS and I have been bad at being explicit about our needs. Which has led to feelings of resentment.

I am trying to be more explicit in what I want but it equates to me feeling like I'm doing the pick me dance. Even expressing the smallest thing has me feeling like I'm making a fool of myself.

After everything I want him to read my mind and pursue me and make me feel special because I have been feeling so worthless.

I guess what I'm asking is what's the difference? How do I get comfortable asking for things like a hug?

It can be difficult, but doable. FWIW, my XWH didn't do the work, so we D.

Repetition helps. Hey, I need a hug. I need a hug without it turning to sex. I had to explain that I wouldn't use the word cuddle because that's the word my stepfather used to initiate sex.

At first it can be uncomfortable because we're not used to asking for what we need. We're conditioned to meet other people's needs rather than our own.

ETA: Sorry you're hurting.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:56 PM, Sunday, February 11th]

It’s hard to break patterns, and even harder to be vulnerable with someone who hurt you so deeply.

I think for some period of time the ws really should try and go above and beyond just what they are being asked/ getting what you want is assurance, but someone showing that extra dose of appreciation is important.

As for changing the level of communication, we went to a Gottman weekend workshop. If you can attend one together I highly recommend it. If not maybe you can listen to some of the books together and discuss them in the context of your relationship.

Connecting with the ws can also be scary but it can be rewarding as well.

I am trying to be more explicit in what I want but it equates to me feeling like I'm doing the pick me dance.

Asking for what you need/want is not the pick me dance.

The pick me dance is "what can I do to make you love me again?" It's betrayeds changing to please the WS or staying silent on their needs in order to placate the the Wayward.

Discovering your needs and asking your partner to meet them is almost the opposite of pick-me.

TheEnd nailed it:

Asking for what you need/want is not the pick me dance.

The pick me dance is "what can I do to make you love me again?" It's betrayeds changing to please the WS or staying silent on their needs in order to placate the the Wayward.

Discovering your needs and asking your partner to meet them is almost the opposite of pick-me.

I agree with this. And yet, I understand how hard it is to ask for what you want and need.

Eventually, as you heal it becomes more about a relationship worthy of you.

Standing up for what you need is — for me — one of those first steps of being authentic to you and your M. It can take asking for those needs many times, but part of that standing up for you is empowering, or again, it was for me.