SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Happy 1 am can’t sleep.
Haven’t posted for a while. A couple weeks ago a major shift started when my IC encouraged me to investigate and question my fear. Fear I didn’t know I had. I learned that I am afraid I don’t exist without my bond to my WH, an overwhelming feeling I will be erased if I leave the marriage and lose my primary attachment. Basically this betrayal represents an existential threat.
After realizing this I had a vision of myself dancing in the park, a whole happy person, unwounded, free. I remembered who I am, who I was before the marriage. And I came to see that I exist, I saw my core self and who I am with out any attachment to anyone.
Now I can’t stop thinking about buying a van, and driving to California to live on the beach and learn how to surf. I just want to be free. I don’t want to have goals anymore, I don’t want to have to regulate any other people anymore.
I’m wondering if I can be this person and still reconcile with my WH. Can I be free and still be in this relationship, or do I have to let it go and let go of the attachment bond in order to ne free?
Another thing that happened once In realized this desire to be free is I stopped needing answers. Like I all of a sudden knew that I knew enough, but only enough to leave. I have known that I can’t stay without full disclosure (and we aren’t there yet) and I’ve been relentless in pushing for it. I knew I needed to stop that behavior because it was just asking for repeated rounds of trauma. I asked him explicitly to stop giving me information, to sort his shit out with his therapist and not give me anymore information until he was sure he understood his own truth. But he came home from work that day and dumped some trauma on me, and now we are sleeping in separate bedrooms.
I don’t know if this is the beginning of the end, or just an uncomfortable period of figuring out what I really need to heal myself. But day by day I feel myself drifting further away from wanting to fix this. Yesterday I realized I have lost my respect for him. I see what he did as pathetic, and I see him as pathetic, weak and broken.
I don’t know if those feeling can change. And it’s painful, I grieve for the man I thought I was married to, and for the marriage I thought I had. There’s no comfort is recognizing those things as an illusion, it’s still painful to let them go.
What do you think? Beginning of the end? Or just an uncomfortable but necessary phase in healing the marriage?

Waxing - I really understand this.

I was very traumatised by my husbands choices. I discovered texts and initially I was strong and told him in no uncertain terms to sort out his shit and that I’m not being with him while he’s telling someone on another continent that she is his soulmate. I said if you are wanting to be with her then you can be with her. We can divorce. But he was cheating on her by telling her we are separated, yet he’s telling me he loves me.

I recognised he would eventually be disgusted by his actions. I am not a saint, I’ve lots of flaws and I’m rubbish at some things. But I immediately knew my husband would eventually regret his actions.

I remained strong for a while. Then I had a breakdown. This was mainly due to loss. I was in a bad way for around 15 months. My memory returned at around 19-20 months. Before that I was in a bad way. I had PTSD too.

As the trauma lifted I saw my husband as a pathetic individual. My self esteem didn’t waiver. I’ve done a lot of work on this, unknowingly, over the years. I never questioned my own value. I’m okay with me.

He has always had poor self worth and lacked self esteem. I had more faith and respect for him than apparently he had for himself. I loved him so very much. Even if it was hard due to young kids I always remembered why he was special. But he didn’t respect or value himself. He wanted cheap thrills with alcohol and ego boosting messages. I can’t respect that. And I will never love him like I did.

I wouldn’t have married him. He knows I would never have married him had he shared some details.

Now my love is spread round more people. I have tried to be a better person and solve my issues. Mainly surrounding loss. I have read a lot. Tried challenging myself. I chat to everyone, everywhere. I am trying to increase the size of my world slowly. I felt very isolated, I told no-one. Now I’m making my world gradually bigger. Snails pace really.

But I think cheating on your spouse doesn’t make someone desirable or sexy or smart or a prize. Cheating is so easy. I could hook up tomorrow, maybe even today. But what’s the point? It’s meaningless.

We are reconciling. Some days I like him. Some days I don’t. It changes with the wind. I tell him that. I don’t know where we will head. I’m watching.

I lost drive and motivation. A more I don’t give a crap attitude. I still say can’t be arsed some times. It cured my constant worrying. I rarely worry anymore. Funnily he was the laid back one - not anymore! He just hid it before and used my worry to eventually demonise me.

I realised my safety and security could be ripped apart by someone I would have protected to the end of the earth. I was stabbed in the back while he said I love you to my face. How can I not see that as pathetic. The childish messages purporting love. She was definitely his soul mate at the time. I agree with them. Two pathetic souls together.

I’m getting there. Husband is doing well in the main. Planning trips. He navigated Valentine’s Day very well and surprised me. Shame he let himself down so badly and lost what he had.

But last year I’d have joined you on your trip to California - hell I’d have helped buy the van.

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 11:14 AM, Thursday, February 15th]

Abcd89, thanks for sharing your story. So much similar to mine.
It was an in person EA with one of our employees (so gross). He never thought they were soul mates, but I do believe that he believed he was in love with her. We are about 10 mos past day, and I think he believes that "he was sick", that he used the OW to feel good about himself in the face of depression and MLC. She was a shinny object and a distraction from facing/dealing with his low self esteem (which he is very good at hiding). It never got to sex, I believe because the OW never wanted that from him. She just wanted the ego kibbles and to control the boss and make her life easy (also gross). So it was just lots of flirting behind my back, secrets hugs, mutual admissions of a "crush" and "close friendship". She said things like "well I’m in an open relationship but you are married" (open or not her SO didn’t know about this behavior with her boss). When my H tried to escalate it to kissing she shut him down. He wrote her a letter professing his undying love. But that he would behave himself if she would just for give him. She continued to keep him on a leash for 8 mos while she extracted special favors and got off on being in control. There were more secret hugs, secret meet ups and lots of texting over this time (all behind my back, obviously). It flipped him into full blow but secret obsession, he started taking covert photos of her around the shop, using porn and masturbation to both alleviate and feed the obsession. She finally quit when one of these photos was accidentally revealed in front of her and one of our other employees. That’s how I found out, he had to tell me why she quit and then it all came out.
So yeah, he manipulated his way into a manipulating relationship, all be cause "he couldn’t communicate" his feelings of dissatisfaction with his life, and never dealt with his childhood issues of being abandoned by his father.
The kicker is, he knew better. It’s been hard for me to come to grips with, but he knew exactly what he was doing, how wrong it was, how much it would hurt me, and he did it anyway.

That’s not the similar part.
The similar part is how very much I loved him. How I now don’t think I can ever get that back.
My knowing right away that this is all a him problem, and never really having problems with my own self esteem. That didn’t stop me from plunging into 10 mos of PTSD though.
And
"He has always had poor self worth and lacked self esteem. I had more faith and respect for him than apparently he had for himself. I loved him so very much. Even if it was hard due to young kids I always remembered why he was special. But he didn’t respect or value himself. He wanted cheap thrills with alcohol and ego boosting messages. I can’t respect that. And I will never love him like I did."
That’s just like me & my H.

Waxing, I've been feeling the same way although our situations are different. I left the relationship on D day and am in the process of divorcing. Where we are similar is I've also been thinking about freedom; how I can do whatever I want now that I'm not married. I hadn't realized how much I had limited myself for the STBXH and how many opportunities I denied myself without even considering. I stayed in this area primarily bc he loved his job and wouldn't find something similar with the same pay anywhere else. Turns out he also loved his job bc he was fucking a colleague.

I also relate to both posters about how much I loved him. I really thought we were soulmates, although I don't really believe in that concept. After my mom died, I remember thinking about what I would be willing to give up to have her back, if I discovered the mythical genie of stories. I thought about the thing that meant the most to me, my marriage, and decided I wouldn't give that up even if it would bring my mom back from the dead, yet he gave it up for something as inconsequential as to have sex with someone else. How pathetic is that? After typing that last sentence, I don't know who I'm referring to as pathetic - him or me.

You asked yourself some very difficult questions and worked through them to get your answers. That's difficult work. Congratulations.

I’m wondering if I can be this person and still reconcile with my WH. Can I be free and still be in this relationship, or do I have to let it go and let go of the attachment bond in order to ne free?

IMO, living without responsibility is a non-starter. At the very least, you'll have to take responsibility for yourself, and that is a demanding task in itself.

OTOH, I have no doubt people can be both free and in relationships. Part of that is distinguishing between 'want' and 'need.' We may need others, but it's hard for me to imagine that we need a particular person. My W's A hurt, but I didn't die. Long ago, when W2b did not jump into bed with me as soon as I wanted, I was not happy, but I did not die.

So I suspect the question you need to answer is, 'Do you want your H enough to make the compromises you need for R?'

You're free to answer any way you want - yes or no or yes, if he'll meet certain requirements and no if he won't.

My experience is that knowing where I'm free to choose is empowering. Knowing that I'm free to choose is empowering.

The next step may be to accept that you'll make mistakes. Remember: we can't predict the future. We get married, which is all about the future, but we can't predict if the M will work - and so many Ms don't work. You've got to accept that you will make mistakes. All you can do is hope they're small ones and decide that you'll do whatever in necessary to recover.

*****

Van, beach, and surfboard? You know better than we do how realistic that is for you. If it's really something you want to do, you may be able to arrange your life to make it happen.

The trouble is: you might want a bunch of things, and some wants conflict with others. That puts you back needing to make difficult choices.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:53 PM, Thursday, February 15th]