SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Looking for general insight and thoughts. Some backstory, wife cheated, it can be argued it was the result of a failing marriage, but not looking to dig into that point. There was agreement to exclude the other guy, who is around 21 while wife is 38, from our lives, primarily for sake of the children who somewhat looked up to him as a good guy and family friend. That seemed to go well, even though we continued down the road of filing, everything self mediated. Now, after about 6-8 weeks of presumd isolation, she has reached back out to him. I don't really care what she does, I have moved on. I believe for the good of the children they should not know details of what she did. However, I feel that if he is brought back into their lives in any capacity, especially a romantic one, it would now become worse for the children (10,12,14) not to know, than it would be for them to know. I'm looking for multiple sources of counseling to help make sure I make the right decision should he return.

They don't need all the gory details, but they should know the truth. Mommy let douche canoe be her boyfriend, and it's not okay to have a boyfriend when you're married. I asked mommy to stop having a boyfriend but she wouldn't and that's why mommy and daddy are getting divorced.

Not telling them the truth is not fair to them.

Welcome to SI, I'm sorry you had a reason to find us. I think you should tell the kids in an age appropriate manner. You should be transparent with them so it doesn't cause them issues later. This can also set a great example for them in their adult life.

It is considered appropriate to notify the other BS why wouldn’t it be the same for your children? As others have stated it should be done in a manner that is age appropriate. Not telling them is withholding information that will impact them for the rest of their lives.

My parents split up when I was 13. I thought my dad was all that and a bag of chips. I was so angry at my mother for years, how could she do that to our family? My dad moved out, and went from being (what I thought) was an amazing dad, to deadbeat. Nobody told me anything. I lashed out in very bad ways.

I come to find out as an adult that my dad was a serial cheater and an alcoholic. My mom tried everything to make it work. She never wanted to talk bad about him.

I understand where she was coming from. Way back in those days there were no forums or books or anything. It would have been a whole lot better had I had the age appropriate truth. Better for me, and for my mom who is a wonderful amazing person.

Your kids are about to have their entire lives changed, they deserve to know why. Trust me, I’m not going through D, but all of my kids have been deeply affected by the A, and as we work through it the more truth they have learned has helped them tremendously.

Ages appropriate of course, but give them the tools.

If your kids don’t get the back story, the real story, their world will not make sense, they’ll draw their own conclusions, usually at the betrayed spouse’s expense, or your STBXW will rewrite the narrative at your expense.

Sheltering your kids from reality will not help them deal with reality, realistically. All you’re doing is perpetuating the lies and the alternate reality the cheater created to sustain the affair which does nothing for the kids.

Tell your kids in a very age appropriate, matter of fact, objective way. Leave out any spin or propaganda or attitude. Don’t demonize your WS, keeping in mind that she composes 50% of your children’s genetic construct and they may personalize her failings. Be the bigger person. Don’t triangulate with the kids. Guide them through troubled waters, with grace, dignity, maturity, in a manner that will inspire them, provide good example, and use this experience as a growth experience-opportunity.

Also keep in mind that you will be co-parenting with her and you need to do your bit to foster that relationship going forward.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:58 PM, Saturday, February 17th]

I agree with everything RealityBlows said. If a kids world falls apart, they need to have some understanding of why. They are so prone to internalizing blame, they need something to help them understand it wasn’t their fault.

And on the other hand, it’s really important for kids to have regard for their parents. My mother made sure that we knew what a dirt bag my dad was, and it’s only been very recent (like the past few week’s EMDR) to see how deeply I demonized him but in doing so had to reject big pieces of myself, cause I’m 50% him.

It’s a fine line. Infidelity sucks.

I agree with everything RealityBlows said. If a kids world falls apart, they need to have some understanding of why. They are so prone to internalizing blame, they need something to help them understand it wasn’t their fault.

And on the other hand, it’s really important for kids to have regard for their parents. My mother made sure that we knew what a dirt bag my dad was, and it’s only been very recent (like the past few week’s EMDR) to see how deeply I demonized him but in doing so had to reject big pieces of myself, cause I’m 50% him.

It’s a fine line. Infidelity sucks.

Ink, I'm the other side of the coin from you, I idolized my dad and demonized my mom, until I got the full story from various sources as an adult (not my mom)

Give them age appropriate facts, please do that, they need it, or they may blame themselves or the wrong person.

I agree with the others that you should tell them in age-appropriate ways. Another supporting argument for this is that your kids need to know that they can trust you to be honest with them. It provides security and trust and comfort. An IC may be useful in crafting your message.

I agree.

My younger step brother learned the truth from me, then aged 15.

I learned the truth from siblings and drunken rants.

There is a better way.

OP

The children absolutely need to know and it is best if they are told in an age appropriate manner.

Your 14 year old will likely figure things out first. The AP is 21 years old? This could be scandalous and could turn into gossip fodder.

Please tell them and get them into IC. Is your WW in a place where she might be willing to tell them herself? If not, you must do so.

Also, in what capacity do your kids know the AP?

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 3:43 AM, Sunday, February 18th]

Lookingforpeace107

from an old fart now - who figured out parents could give alley cats lessons before I got close to the age of puberty -

Your kids know something is way wrong with "their" family -

14 year old likely has already got it figured out unless he has been living in a vacuum

Best for you is to be totally honest and answer their questions or concerns truthfully.
Remember - they will be a part of your life for a long time - best to give them the reality that is their life now.

Think also, "momma" has a boyfriend almost half her age? Friends and family will chat and it is very likely kids will eventualliy hear something out of their mouths.

on another tack - someone like your wife with underage boyfriend (years from mental maturity!) has some mental problems.
I would bet she is major part of "marriage problems" -

You have been served the "famous" Merde Panini - Pass the relish please?

If you can, get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - it may have some pointers for you.