SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When my (49M) wife's (49F) phone buzzed next to me, I looked down to see a text preview that said something to the effect of "I love how you smell when you are around me." I then opened up her phone to see a text stream of lots of sexting type stuff with scantly clad pics that she sent to a co-worker (in nothing but a towel,covering breasts with hands,nothing on showing top of butt, etc.) with message like "thinking of you" and "I can't wait to be around you again". That was all with days of that moment. I seized up in shock and wasn't able to get further back into the text stream before she came back into the room. I didn't know what to do, I screamed at her and stormed out of the room. A little later she told me that it had "only" been happening for a few weeks and didn't get beyond texts. She's worked with this man for 4 years. I've been uneasy around him for at least the last two years. It's the way she started talking about him and referring to him, and the way they looked at and around each other. I'd ask about it and she would tell me nothing was to be worried about. I've been married to her for almost 25 years and together two years before that. I couldn't shake it. Heck, he gave my wife his kid's old bicycle to give to our youngest daughter for Christmas. I hated that. I found the text on Jan 7 of this year. She told me it was instantly over. I found this site in my grief and asked her to write a no contact order and separate herself completely from this guy at work with her or him eventually transferring office locations or getting a different job within a reasonable but near time. I also asked her to go to therapy and for us to go to therapy. Well, it's just about two months later nothing has happened. No letter, no separation at work (they are in each other's space constantly every day), no therapy. She says it never became a PA and that they don't text at all anymore. But he never told his wife about this and my wife says she just wants to forget what happened and that she's extremely sorry. They get to live their lives like nothing happened (if what I'm told is actually true) and I'm left feeling wrecked. I have nightmares. I wonder what they are doing during the day. I wonder what would be happening had I not stumbled on the text. I wonder if they would be having a PA right now b/c the texts were certainly heading in that direction. I feel like an idiot and I feel hurt. And I have no one to turn to. For the sake of my three kids (17M, 17F, 11F) I've been acting like all is normal. I go some days feeling pretty noal then I will feel immense anger, then I'll feel sad. Even if they did stuck to texting,it was cheating and maybe worse because it wasn't a drunken mistake - it was stone sober intentional. She didn't care that she was risking our life together and our family's stability. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I want to end our marriage, but I can't stop wondering, worrying, and being saddened. I just want her to cut that guy out of her (our) life and for her to seek help on why this happened. She's worried about the financial ramifications for leaving her job, and I can't make her go to therapy.

Might be important to note she started sleeping in a different part of the house regularly about a year+ ago. Said it was because it was cooler there. She's come back to our bedroom a few times in the last couple of months but is downstairs even now as I type.

(Also, sorry for the typos on the post- big thumbs, small phone keyboard!)

BravuraNoMore

This is brutal and I'm sorry you had to come here. None of this is your fault!

If you have perused this site, you know what you are confronted with.

Your wife cheated on you with a coworker she shares office space with. She has neither shown remorse nor even pretends to want to end contact with him, despite your asking her in no uncertain terms.

She is able to do so because she believes you are a pushover and can you say she's wrong?

I gently ask you what is the purpose of your posting here? If it is to extricate yourself and your children from your wife's infidelity, then you must first consult a lawyer and get the legal process started.

Second, you must practice the 180 technique. No more begging her. Just practice stoicism.

Third, you must contact the other betrayed spouse ASAP and let her know what her husband is up to.

Resources:

Pinned to the top of this forum is a thread by SerJR entitled "Tactical Primer". It tells the first steps you should take.

This website also has a great The Healing Library. You will find that at the top of this page. You want to look for articles that help the BS (Betrayed Spouse)

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/faq/bs/

When you open The Healing Library above you will find Frequently Asked Questions. Question 11 is "What is the 180 and how does it work?" It is super instructive

Might be important to note she started sleeping in a different part of the house regularly about a year+ ago. Said it was because it was cooler there. She's come back to our bedroom a few times in the last couple of months but is downstairs even now as I type.

BNM this is

This is a tell-tale sign of a PA. Do you have location tracking on her phone? Has she taken any business trips or girls trips recently?

You must insist on a full panel STI testing for your WW. Have you been intimate with her recently? If so, you must get tested as well.

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 5:27 AM, Saturday, March 2nd]

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. You’ll get a lot of empathy from people on this forum. You didn’t really ask for an opinion directly, so I’ll keep my comments brief. I think your gut instinct about this guy a few years ago was spot on. trust your gut. Sadly, I think there is a lot more you have yet to find out. I think you probably know that. Her not sending a no contact message, not going to counseling, and not changing her work conditions speaks volumes in terms of her not ending the affair. Right now she wants to see if she can placate you by gaslighting you while she continues her behavior.

I would suggest reaching out to the other spouse in a constructive way to let her know what’s going on. First, because I think she has a right to know. Secondly, shining a light on what is at least an emotional affair is the best way to take the shine off it. These relationships exist in a fantasy world where it’s all good. I personally think taking away the dynamic of it being all upside for the affair partners is an important step. Make sure to make yourself the priority right now. I know it sucks, I’ve been there, the emotions are a heavy load to carry.

You feel this way because you know the cheater is continuing using to lie to you.

Welcome to SI. Sorry you are going through this. Read in the healing library. Your WW had an EA at least. She is trying to rugsweep her EA. Do not do this. Also, accept no blame for her infidelity. You need to set your own boundaries for your M. It’s not being controlling. It’s your requirement for your M.
Read and implement the 180. She is still in daily contact with her AP and she is unremorseful. The 180 is to give you mental space to get your bearings. Good luck.

They get to live their lives like nothing happened (if what I'm told is actually true) and I'm left feeling wrecked.

OP sorry this has/is happening to you, but the above is only true because you allow it to be. I realize with kids involved, you are reluctant to impact their lives. But I don't see how this situation is tolerable when it's obvious your wife isn't displaying any of the actions/traits required to repair the damage. Others have suggested specific actions, but my point is that it is on your shoulders to not accept the status quo.

I'm so sorry. I'm only a couple of months ahead of you in this horrific process of identifying what's true about my H's affairs. One of the important things that I have learned is that my gut instinct does not lie to me. As much as I didn't want to believe what my gut told me was true, it was right ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE TIME. Getting the truth (at least what I know at this moment) has been a rollercoaster of good days and horrific days, the pain of which has been drawn out painfully because my H thought he was doing me a favor by holding back parts of the story. Idiot.

Listen to your gut, as painful as that may be. In your story, it's clear that something is very off.

Do the 180, starting today. No conversation except about the kids, and in counseling if that happens.

I made a list of the things that I required going forward from my H, including weekly marriage counseling and individual counseling, access to phone, etc. I also made a list of consequences that would be enacted if I found out more lies or if he communicated with the OW.

EVERYTHING that was recommended to me by the wise people on this site took me weeks and weeks to finally put into place, because I couldn't believe that my situation was as bad as it actually is. I have done all of the things now, including scheduling a polygraph. I am NOT playing, and am done being at the butt end of his bad behavior.

Again - I am so sorry you are going through this. We are here.

I’m sorry to say this. I certainly would not have wanted to hear it when I was in the exact same situation as you. But, it has to be said. They are like 99% chance hooking up at the office. Sure, there are other people around but there are always moments where they can get alone. If the husband of the MOW in my situation had tried to stop it I doubt he could have. Luckily, for my husband it was side hussle, cheap thrill, whatever you want to call it. So I was able to get the MOW pushed out of the office. You NEED the help of the POSOM’s wife. They can’t be in the same office. After you blow the thing up, which you must, you can figure out what you want to do.

I’m soo sorry you’re dealing with this. You are doing trauma to yourself by letting her go off to work each day in this situation. The longer you let it go on the more damage you inflict on yourself. Some people contact HR. Whatever steps are easiest for you. It was actually the help of HR that got the MOW finally kicked out in my case. It is a battle and the only way I was able to get through it was to be singularly focused on eliminating their exposure to each other in the office. They will fight it like a heroin addict whose junk is being taken away.

I knew nothing at initial discovery beyond my wife had some kind of inappropriate relationship happening. She fessed up to very little (but felt like a lot to me at the time), it was enough that it was believable and shocking. The affair had already mostly died before discovery, didn’t really know this fully at the time but do now. The first month of questioning and trying to find my way through this mess was bullshit, because she was covering up a much worse reality of what she had done. Second dday was me recovering just a few old texts… didn’t give me the full story but enough to break open the dam. What a gift it was to find that text!

I don’t want to scare you, but I wish I would have found this place before confronting my wife the first time. She worked with this guy several months before the affair started. But the timeline from second lunch together where he expressed feelings to sex was weeks… weeks! It doesn’t take adults in an affair situation very long. The places they’ll do it are even more shocking… in her case, his place was close enough for a lunch break quickie but sometimes lunch in his truck turned to sex as well. The chance I would have given that my wife would have sex in a car before dday? Below 0%…

Bottom line, she might be telling the truth… what I learned is, i didn’t know my wife or what her lowest place could look like. It completely rocked my world… each revelation, even the ones that weren’t so bad. My advice, buckle up and prepare for the worst. I tell you this to prepare you for what may come, not to hurt you!

With all that said, take care of you. Realize none of this is your fault. Your relationship probably isn’t perfect, but that does not excuse her abuse of you.

[This message edited by LookWhatYouDid at 4:40 PM, Saturday, March 2nd]

All - There are some good points being made and some hard truths being told. Wrapping my thoughts around these responses has been, well, difficult. I did find the information on 180. Thank you, for that suggestion. The point about needing to notify the other spouse is difficult. I've drafted a long email explaining the situation, but I'm not sure that is appropriate. What is the best way to do this...asking those that have done so (and I suppose anyone, really...). Couldn't this end up destroying my wife and her EA partner at work, before giving one or both a chance to find a different job, etc.? I worry about how that will affect my wife's ability to get a new job in her industry (a very tight professional community) and therefore affect my own life. That thought then strikes me as super selfish. I know they put themselves in this situation. I know that I wouldn't be possibly destroying someone else's marriage, it was their choices. If it was truly "only" (totally a loaded word, of course) an EA, would both of them possibly losing their professional reputations be an appropriate outcome? I don't know, and it racks me with uncertainty. Reading the steps of the 180, that would be for them to figure out, I suppose, but the world doesn't work that starkly, does it? The OM and his spouse have at least one young child if not more. That also give me pause. I know I need to see a therapist, and will, I promise. But in the meantime, I'm just not sure about telling the OM's wife.

Sorry to clarify - I'm not sure about how to tell the OM's wife, though there is some question about EAs. I feel devastated by the EA. I have nightmares about it. I think about it a lot. Too much, I'd guess. But, how do others view EAs? Would you all be like me? Would you want to be contacted about an EA your spouse was having. This was beyond a "work husband / work wife" thing in my case, for sure. BTW, I've always hated the term Work Husband/Wife, even before this. I'm sure in this community, I'm not alone. To me one of my immediate issues is that everyone else seems to be getting along after this just fine. And I'm not. And I haven't wanted to make this public (especially b/c of my kiddos). So, it's just me, my wife, and the OM who know, and they seemed to be doing just fine (though honestly, I don't know or care about the OM). I wonder if telling the OM's spouse would be like having revenge and somehow be twisted to me wanting company in my misery. I do, but I don't. So far, I've told myself that the OM knows what he did and if he can live with that, that's on him. But, that can easily just be a cop out. I just don't know.

If / when I do tell the other spouse, first needing to figure out how best to do that, should I let my wife know I'm going to be doing this first? I guess that goes against the 180, but this is sort of a big deal decision, especially since a call to a boss might come of it. I hate that I'm in this situation.

I think I’d want to know what was going on in my life. I have a buddy who was in a recovery small group with me. He was the one left out from an information perspective until his dday. He didn’t feel fondly about the other betrayed who didn’t reach out to him.

I think you will find the overwhelming opinion is that you really need to tell the OBS. They have a right to know so that they can have agency to decide what to do with their relationship.

In my case my WW wife was in a full blown EA for months before I discovered it. It was long distance via text so while never ‘physical’ in the sense of them being in the same place, it was physical by any other definition in that they certainly took sexual pleasure thru what they were doing.

A couple of our mutual friends (female) KNEW and said NOTHING to me, carrying on being ‘buddy-buddy’ with me in social situations while my WW was carrying on. Needless to say these people are ‘dead to me’ now.

Do worry about the impact on your kids, there are ways to handle that. I wouldn’t give a flying f—k about the impact in the WW reputation/job.

However, I do understand it can be scary thinking about how that could affect your lifestyle if you D. But honestly, the thoughts of that are worse than the reality.

And I totally went thru the, "how can these people just carry on with no apparent impact to them?!" thoughts. But those fade over time when you realize, they’re very broken people. IC helped me too with that.

Finally, at least one person has pointed out, it’s probably 99.99999% likely it was also a PA if they were in physical proximity and had opportunity.

The ONLY reason my WW’s didn’t go there is because they were in different states. But they were actually starting to float ideas about how they might ‘finally meet in person’.

Best of luck. This all sucks!

Bravura - so sorry you had to find us here.

In addition to the other great advice you have been given, please see your doctor and get a full panel STD/STI test. There have been too many people here who picked up a nasty STI from their WS. This is also a reason to tell OBS.

Please read in the healing library and the posts with the bullseyes in this forum (go back a few pages and look for them).
Consider IC for you and you alone. Just to help you understand what you want and to have an outlet for all that you are going through.

Also, note that a huge percentage of WS initially minimize the extent of the A, so expect to learn more. Adults in close proximity in an A tend to have sex….

Also, you are 💯 correct that you cannot make her go to therapy or do anything at all. But you can decide what boundaries you need and then act accordingly. You can only control you. And how she behaves - what she chooses to do to help heal the destruction of you, your M, and herself - that will tell you if she is serious about repairing or just wants to sweep this all under the rug.

So take good care of yourself and watch her actions. Actions will tell you everything.

And know that you will survive this and thrive. It will take longer than you want, but you absolutely can and will survive.

Totally understand your misgivings about exposure to the OBS. Very normal concerns. You don’t want to end up punishing your children and drastically changing your financial situation. But the problem is that you gave her some options to change jobs or move away from the AP. She has done nothing and it looks like she is using your good nature wanting to protect your family against you. Of course we don’t know your WW, but since confrontation she has remained in daily contact with the AP. The OBS deserves to know what is going on in her life, not out of revenge, but it is the decent thing to do. You can handle the exposure in a gentle and caring manner just sharing what you know. Then let her take it from there. She may act or she may not, but you have informed her of the ONGOING situation. But again you need to evaluate all the possible ramifications of exposure on you and your family. It’s your call.

Good luck.

BNM

Hang in there my friend!

If it was truly "only" (totally a loaded word, of course) an EA, would both of them possibly losing their professional reputations be an appropriate outcome?

This is the wrong question to ask. Instead ask your WW, if you only had an EA, why isn't she following up on any of the promises she made on D-Day?

This is going to sound harsh but you need to come to grips with the fact that your WW ceased to be the person you married long ago. She is an abuser now and her body and soul have been taken over by an infatuation with the OM.

With respect, you also need to snap out of your stupor in assuming this is only an EA. This affair has been going on for 4+ years at least. What you know for sure is that your WW and OM are exchanging sexy pics, have close daily contact at work and countless opportunities to sneak away for trysts. The likelihood that they haven't been physically intimate is lower than the probability that a Kardashian sister didn't hookup with someone at the NBA All-Star weekend.

It's possible, if not likely, that your WW and her lover have taken the A underground. It is also quite evident that your WW feels zero consequences for violating and continuing to violate your trust. Looking at your children's ages, I would place overwhelming odds in favor of your wife and OM plotting to divorce each other's spouses when your youngest is off to college.

Do you want to accept this and move on? If not, I'd say, consult a lawyer and have a separation agreement drawn up and present your WW with a clear choice. She can resign, find another job and go 100% NC with this guy. Or you will proceed with D.

If not, you are only setting yourself up for a bigger heartbreak and prolonged humiliation. Your children will not be spared the pain in either scenario, except that if you let it ride and are ambushed later, you will be hurt more deeply, lose a lot more financially and have fewer options to move on and find someone else.

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 7:47 PM, Saturday, March 2nd]

I think if you contact the OBS and let her know that you think they have been having affair for a year (her leaving the bedroom is a big red flag) or more is the right thing to do. She need to know why, if she is getting weird vibes from her husband the there is a reason.
Getting the workplace involved is another thing, if they are extra close then 100% the other employees have noticed it and probably talk about it,I know we did when two workers were having an affair...

What would the bosses do? Other than say if you want to mess around that's up to you. But keep it quiet and don't bring it to work.

OTOH I came real close to having my XWW served at her job by a deputy because she was affairing with a vendor....

Very sorry you are here. The fact that your wife has not gone no contact with the guy and continues to work in close proximity is a huge problem. She doesn’t get it. She doesn’t get that what she did is devastating to you and to your marriage. She doesn’t get that you are suffering as a result. She is continuing to have her EA right in front of you.
And unfortunately, it wasn’t just "texts". I mean, these texts they shared are very sexual. They are not innocent hello, how are you, texts. You have every reason to feel the way you do. Does your wife send you sexy texts like that?
The other spouse needs to know what’s been happening. She has the right to know and given the agency to decide how she wants to proceed. In addition, as long as the affair is kept in the dark, it will continue. And it can escalate to something much more.
I know it’s scary as heck to even think. You are trying to protect your wife and your family. I get that. I ask this gently and with compassion… Will you be able to continue to live with your nightmares wondering what your wife is up to?