Yes I lived thought False R - the fucking nightmare that it is
The A went back to what it was 100% and went totally underground around 3-4 days after d-day 1 for a year and then for another several months about 3 months after d-day 2. First my awesome story, then my thoughts on why.
My story:
It was easy enough for them to restart initially. I was working out of state for about a year on a contract job - the A started around the 5-6 month mark of that job and I discovered/confronted him about the A at around the 9-10 month mark when I was home for a long weekend. It went like this: Home Friday night, found something that made me suspicious Saturday afternoon in one of his credit card bills which was lying, open, on the kitchen table that I was causally looking at while eating my lunch and noticed a purchase from a shop that you would only buy things for women at - normally women who were or who had been recently pregnant (eg not me). I then confirmed my suspicions by calling the shop where the purchase was made (I claimed I thought the charge was fraudulent and asked for confirmation of what the purchase was and then said "oh yeah, I forgot about that"). When he came home from work Sunday night I confronted him, asking him what he bought at that shop - to which he lied - and I then told him I knew what it was, proved it, resulting in his confession regarding the A and who it was (thankfully he was not the classic gaslighter - I got a lot more accurate info than most people do). We then fought late into the night where at some point he sent her a no-contact email at my bequest and begged for forgiveness etc, then I got up the next day (Monday) after sleeping a few hours and flew back to my job.
WH and AP were co-workers (they also both worked with the OBS, the AP's spouse - so all three worked together and WH and OBS had been very good friends - WH was in their wedding). WH took Monday off due to not sleeping Sunday night and when we talked Monday night he was already different - slightly defensive and said he needed time to think and sleep and I let him? (Yes in writing this it makes me want to punch him out - it doesn't hurt anymore (thank goodness) but it sure makes me sound dumb and for that I'm angry 
). Apparently she was trying to call him all Monday and Tuesday but he ignored her and she didn't just stop by because she thought it was likely I was still there. So basically he was caught Sunday, didn't see her for two days, and then returned to work and she confronted him and they talked and by the end of the day they were back at it, thick as thieves with one caveat...they agreed that they would not have any more physical penetration-type sex (no vaginas, no mouthes) as for some reasons that defies logic, that made their cheating not so bad and they held up the bargain??? (And yes, I have this confirmed by literally hundreds of text messages that I had forensically recovered from WH's phone where she is counting the days since they last had physical intercourse - saying things like "I can't believe it's been 102 days since you were last inside me...." type messages or her describing in detail the last time they actually did it and begging for more, to which he would deny her, turning them both on 
).
This went on for an ENTIRE year. I came back and took a job locally, at WH's request about and month after d-day 1. By that time they were back at it, hot and heavy minus the actual sex. Instead they transferred to sexting and video masturbation sessions where one could watch and listen to the other pleasuring themselves - they did this sometimes 2-3 times PER DAY. They would send upwards of 200 messages to each other per day replete with I love yous and other mushy shit. But only while one of them (or both) were at work and either me or the OBS were not around. If WH went to the store and AP was at work for example he would probably sit in the parking lot and masturbate for her into a video so she could watch later, after reviewing the last video of her doing the same which he would delete (I saw like 1 minute of one of these deleted videos and could not watch anymore of them). Once he was done he would go into the store and send her about 20-100 messages back and forth before going back to the parking lot and rubbing one out again for her. They also really liked doing this at work - they would sit in the break room talking and sexting each other, often with other people present. Then when one of them couldn't handle it anymore they would excuse themselves to go to the bathroom where they would masturbate and tell the other one about it while the other one was still sitting with the group (which yeah, sometimes contained the OBS). It was SO BEYOND F-ED up. Moreover, once WH was home he would block her number on his phone so that she couldn't call him or cause any interruptions, so there was no need to hide his phone or worry about my seeing anything as he deleted everything every time he came home and he blocked her. (Only when she went nuclear after d-day 2 did that no longer work as she would get burner numbers.)
But I could just tell - my gut was telling me - something was UP with him. He would be disinterested in me and more than once indicated that he was unhappy with us, but never went any further. I did not want to have to search his shit or kill myself trying to figure out what was going on - it was making me crazy. So I set him up - telling him me and a friend were going to a show about 2 hours away for the evening on a day when I new AP was off work and OBS was at work (easy enough to confirm as they are both on WH's work schedule), and when I knew my WH would have at least 2 hours free before I would return. I have find my friends on my phone so it was easy enough for him to confirm my whereabouts - and we left for the night. I turned on the record audio function on my computer which is in the living room where I figured he would sit and is always on and left. Low and behold, when he came home from work about an hour after I left he was already on the phone with her. As luck would have it, he sat right next to my computer, set his phone down next to it it, and turned it on speaker (so he would have both hands free for their sexual activities) and then they talked for the next hour, said their I love yous, and WH lied to her at least 4 times about our lack of sex life (she asked - and he answered in a lie - that we hadn't had sex for months), that I was preparing to move out (news to me - we had not talked about that at all), and that I was looking for a job out of state (lie - I had just accepted a job right down the road) and something else I can't recall. When I came home I walked in, put in my headphones and rewound back to the time when he got off work, listened to about 15 minutes of the recording, put the headhphones down, took his phone and hid it without him noticing, and then confronted him, telling him I recorded him (not how - just that I did) and reciting verbatim several things he said so he was 100% sure I indeed had heard them. First he accused me of hiring a PI, to which I said who cares how I know, and again, within 5 minutes he confessed to everything - to the whole year. to all of it. At that time I told him I was giving him 10 minutes to decide whether he was going to call OBS and tell him or if I was - he was a coward and told me to do it, which I did.
So, I caught WH the first time on 10/1/17 - I caught him the second time on 10/1/18 - exactly one year later.
Then he went NC for about 3 months, resulting in the above mentioned nuclear attack. She "won" and WH went back for more sometime around mid January 2019, but because she just would not stop with the messaging and new numbers I caught him about 6 weeks later. The A then blew up in a ball of fire a few weeks later after I sent AP, OBS, and WH an email with a pile of attachments of screenshots and emails containing some of their conversations and of WH's comments to me as well as two emails AP had written to me, which proved to the OBS what was really going on beyond a shadow of a doubt, contradicting the half-assed story given to him by AP, and proved to AP and WH that they both were liars, not just to me and OBS but to each other. Apparently it resulted in a screaming match between AP and WH in the parking lot at their work - the lies were palpable and pretty cutting on all sides. It was what would be colloquially referred to as a shitshow of epic proportion. To my knowledge OBS has NEVER said a word to WH about the A (or about much at all) and remains colloquial in the workplace. He's some kind of saint as I would have 100% lost it at some point, likely soon after I was told about that A.
We divorced as did AP and OBS eventually several years later (everyone at work knows about the A now - partially due to me but mostly due to the OBS and WH's confession to several people about it). AP and OBS and WH still work together, although due to a very weird medical condition, AP has been out for the better part of the last year and a half.
My thoughts as to why:
He thought he was in love with AP and that he was so awesome that both of us somehow needed him. That it would be so unkind to end things with me and deprive me of his awesomeness - it would hurt me too much. Then later he didn't really want either of us but felt trapped in a prison of his own making. He would effectively cut AP off, ignoring her and ending things when he wanted, and lavishing her gratitude when he would allow her back in, only to do it all over again. Me he generally disdained as he could not just cut me out so easily - and had to deal with me all the time. AND I was unhappy 
after d-day 1 and not much fun to be around. He just could not handle all that negativity and unhappiness so he would stonewall me and ignore me as best he could and go to her when she was happy - when she started pushing for more (ironic as she too was married with a very young child) he would push away. So it was the push-pull that I think he loved and hated.
He also admitted that prior to the A he hated going to work (it's not better now) and that the A made going to work more exciting. He liked the thrill of the deceit. He liked the thrill of the chase and being chased. He liked it all. To the extent all that was part of an addiction withdrawal then yes, it was that too. But I think a lot of it was self-medicating away his depression at being very trapped in a job that he hates but would be very stupid to leave from a financial perspective (its a very weird, and highly paying job with few transferrable skills to anything paying anywhere close and he has a disabled daughter who needs his medical and a certain level of $$ to live adequately), and life just not being all that exciting all of the time. He LOVED the ego kibbles and he is a bit of a narcissist so he just ate that shit up (not diagnosed with a disorder but diagnosed with high narcissistic tendencies including low empathy).
He was frustrated with me and not getting what he wanted from me, especially my being working away for a year, but never said anything about his frustration. He thought I was not interested in him and his life, failing to ask about it enough, etc. These things were true and were fodder for conversation and perhaps even counseling, but not an excuse to stick your dick between the nearest legs that will spead for you, nevertheless the legs belonging to the wife of one of your now former best friends and work mates.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:21 PM, Tuesday, March 5th]
