SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:39 PM, Friday, June 7th]

Whatever you do, don't move out. Get legal advise ASAP. Don't let her just take the kids. Start carrying a VAR (voice activated recorder) As she could potentially try to set you up for a domestic violence charge to get you out of the house.

I'm very sorry you're here.

Start documenting everything you do for and with the kids.

Talk to a lawyer immediately and see if you can get an emergency custody agreement put in place ahead of the finalization of divorce so she can’t just run off with your kids. That is a disaster waiting to happen.

And going forward, do not fool yourself into thinking "oh she would never…" in regards to anything pertaining to your wife. There was time you thought she would never cheat on you, certainly, and yet she did. So don’t put anything passed her, including false DV accusations, lying about you to other people, making your life hell in the divorce process, etc.

As nomudnolotus advised, keep a VAR on you at all times and document everything you do for your kids from dawn until dusk.

I just read your story, and want to again stress what BluerthanBlue and I both have already said, var at all times, never ever be without one. Your wife already tried to make you look crazy and evil to her family, she certainly is in the high risk category for a false dv charge.

Did you ever get that postnup finalized?

Yes, see as many lawyers as you can. If you see them first, then she can't use them. It's a conflict of interest and they won't take her on as a client. A little evil, but you need to do what you can to protect yourself and your children.

If you move out, it can be seen as abandonment and that might go against you during the D process.

Wishing you strenght.

Sigh, thank you all. Sadly, I hadn't considered the possibility of needing to use the voice recorder again...

"Yes, see as many lawyers as you can."

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:40 PM, Friday, June 7th]

We’re speaking from the American perspective but in the UK it might not be feasible or necessary to do multiple lawyer consultations.

If you like the lawyer you’re meeting with, than go with him or her and try to get the custody order in place ASAP. That’s the most important thing right now.

Sad news Pheonix.
I really hoped that your WW was willing to deal with her issues and work hard at reconciliation.

So how will you move forward out of infidelity?
I wonder if it's time for the Poly?
I suspect that there is more to this affair than you are aware of.

Remember what Thumos said in your initial thread about being in limbo because he didn't act immediately.
Perhaps it's time for firm action.

All the best with your suture steps.
And be assured of our continuing support.
FAWH.

I

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:40 PM, Friday, June 7th]

I suspected that your wife was cheating based on the timeline and details in your first post, but didn't want to speculate. But considering the additional information in your last post, I think it's safe to assume that, if your wife doesn't have a new boyfriend already, she's certainly on the market for one... which is the real reason she wants you out of the house.

As for why she wants to separate without initiating divorce, that's pretty easy to explain: she wants to live as a single woman without expense, sacrifice, and drastic life changes that divorce requires. I'm sure that her ideal situation is you living hundreds of miles away while continuing to pay the bills and provide other material support for the children.

Her explanation that she can't emotionally handle living with you is, as they say in the UK, total bullocks.

Therefore, the onus is on you to file in order to ensure that you get the most fair and reasonable terms of divorce as possible. If you do nothing, then she may very well set up a scheme to get you forcibly removed from the home (such as a DV complaint) or will file at a time that is most advantageous for herself (perhaps when she has secured your replacement).

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:18 PM, Tuesday, March 12th]

I don't think this came out of the blue for her. I think this separation/divorce has been a plan of hers for a very long time.

She hasn't been warm towards you for a long time. She convinced you to have a vasectomy, promising more sex,and once you did that,she said no.

She wanted to make sure you wouldn't have other children to support after the divorce.

She's a very calculating,manipulative woman.

She is several steps ahead of you. You need to be very careful.

Old time who rarely posts much anymore but I agree with others.

The refusal of sex and "self care" scream of A. She never owned what she did or did any of the real work of R. She is not going to either.

Please take heed to protect yourself as much as possible and track the amount of care you provide your kiddos, keep the VAR on you at all times. See that attorney and file. Drop the hammer. Be clear that there are consequences. Start your own grieving of the relationship, by making your well-being the top priority.

But do not raise your voice to her. Do nothing that could manipulated into being unfair, mean, vindictive, or abusive.

Thank you

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:40 PM, Friday, June 7th]

BSPhoenix

If you have been around this site you know I try to post based on reality…
Repeated research shows that kids base their future relationships on what they witness in youth.
What do you expect them to witness if you and your wife are trying to live separate lives in the same household? Do you two plan on keeping it a secret when you sleep in separate rooms, or when you go out at separate times or entertain separately? Think you can do so in a completely open and indifferent way? Think you can convince them that you are fine with mom going out with her "friend" Dave, or that you can convince them that yes – its normal that mom dolls up, wears a cocktail dress and smells of perfume when going to the mall on a Friday evening?
Think they won’t pick up on the tension? The unhappiness. The arguments about whose turn it is to be with the kids this weekend…

Look – Divorce is fine.
So would reconciliation be.
Both are fine, but to divorce, its enough that ONE of the two of you want to divorce, whereas to reconcile both need to want it. Right now, you aren’t being offered R. Ergo: Divorce it is.
Heck… Separation can be fine too if people can both agree and stick to an agreement as to what it should be about. With her reluctance at any attempt to R then separation is only a band-aid on the divorce.

In the UK divorce is a pretty standardized process. Not much you can do in moving assets or enhancing custody. I encourage you to research that – even to the extent of hiring a solicitor. Then present a realistic plan to your wife. Key word being realistic… Fact is that although you two might dispute who gets the tea-set and who gets the newer vehicle, then the bottom line will probably be within 5% of the original, realistic plan.
Disputes about who leaves the home and all that… Temporary issues so don’t focus too much on that.

Right now I suggests as first steps the following:
Get as complete a picture as you can about your and her financial status – including pensions and savings. Chances are you have 90% of this already on last-years tax return. As sad as it might sound, then legal divorce can be broken down into a financial transaction.
Look online, use a help-line or whatever free resource might be available to determine what path is most acceptable for you – if both are reasonable a single solicitor can guide you two through this process as a mediator. Then ask her if she is in agreement with that path, or if she wants to go the full court-route.
Suggest to her that she research whatever proposal you suggest to confirm it’s fair and in accordance to the laws. A common mistake in divorce is people expect more…
If this isn’t what she wants then carry on with YOUR path – hire that solicitor and get the process going.

Keep on trudging step-by-step out of infidelity – in this case by leaving the marriage.

Thank you all for your input. It seems she blames me for a lacklustre sex life (my wife is backward at being forward) and, thinking that I don't desire her because I 'finish' later than her. I've been aware of this for a while and done everything I can to reassure her things are fine but, it seems that has built up to a powerful resentment over the years. It's a shame her self-esteem (?) wouldn't let her believe me. Incidently, we haven't had sex in a long time.

She was in pieces last night, blaming me for taking her best years away. She wants a separation so she can go back to finding "bubbly old, younger me" and "has absolutely no interest in men".

She's crazy or full of shit. Most likely both.

This is awful. I’m so sorry she dragged you through false reconciliation to the point you got a vasectomy. You have nothing to work with here. I hope you follow the advice you’ve got. I too would never believe how devious my WW would be, but she filed a court order when I went to my parents saying I couldn’t return to my house. While not not explicitly saying it, the implication of doing that is that I was abusive to her or my kids. That’s totally untrue but it’s useful for her narrative.

Absolutely protect yourself.

Thank

Researching

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 12:41 PM, Friday, June 7th]

Pheonix you need to stop having conversations with your wife. Look up grey rock and 180. Only speak to her about the children. She is just trying to make you feel bad right now. There is nothing wrong with caring about your children's health.

I think your wife is trying to bait you into an argument, perhaps one in which she can goad you into blowing your top (so she has a pretext to getting you removed from the home) or just make you so miserable that you decide to leave on your own accord. The next time she starts spewing nonsense, shut it down and leave the room.

Going forward, the only things you should be talking about with your wife are essential conversations regarding the day-to-day management of your home (ie, who’s going grocery shopping today) and your kids (ie, who’s taking your son to soccer practice). They even have parenting apps that you could use to avoid conversations entirely.

The marriage is over so there’s no reason to talk about the marriage. The divorce will be handled by solicitors. There’s no reason to talk about your feelings or hers because you are not friends. She has shown you time and time again that she doesn’t care about you.

Your wife is probably right that you have anxiety and other deep-seeded psychological problems… but those are most likely do to the fact that you have been in a relationship with a cruel, manipulative, lying narc for so many yours.

She’s a tumor eating away you from the inside; you probably won’t even realize the extent of how sick she made you until she’s been removed.