SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Again!!!

I have been struggling a lot of late when my WH tells me he loves me. Like it makes me cringe. I just don’t understand how you can truly love someone and do what he has done.

Part of what I believe is some of his issues is that he doesn’t actually know what real love is. His family is messed up and his mother and all his siblings are the same in that they are all extremely self centred and only focus on what they can get out if any situation. I don’t see any emotion from any of them ever except the occasional angry outburst lol.

Maybe WH does love me is his ‘own’ way but it just differs to what I believe it should look like and maybe it just is never going to be enough for me.

But seriously how can you take someone who is not your wife to bed the same day you text me ‘love you’ and then wonder why I don’t believe you now?

💔😢

I think you hit the nail on the head when you say that maybe your version of love and your WS is different - it likely is. I honestly don't think my WH has ever loved anyone in any way I would find meaningful. He convinced me that he did - fooled me - but it was all just for show.

I think you can love many people at the same time, but there are different kinds of love. I never thought I could love my second kid as much as I did my first, but thank god I was wrong. I don’t think people are always "in love" with their spouse even in good marriages. I think the romantic, butterfly love ebbs and flows and it’s more of an infatuation. That kind of feeling is likely hard perhaps impossible to have towards more than one person at a time, but that’s not the kind of love I want for or from my spouse. I know opinions differ, but I do believe that some cheaters do always love their spouse while also hurting them. I won’t get into specifics, but in my case my husband always did things even while cheating I don’t think he’d have done had there not been love for me. I know I’ve hurt people I love before, albeit not in such a grandiose way, but lord knows I have in smaller ways. I believe my husband did love me through his cheating years (yes, years🤮) but his work included to learn to love more intensely, authentically, and with vulnerability . I know I’ve always loved my husband, but when I am being honest with myself, it wasn’t the love for him that kept me faithful, it was the love and respect I had for myself. He lacked that for a long time.

I agree with TISL.

One of the tasks of R is to come to agreement on what love is. My guess is that if there weren't enough overlap between our 2 visions of love, we wouldn't be together. I found the 5 Love Language concept useful, though apparently it's not backed up by science. It worked for us.

I got the same line from my W - 'I always loved you.' I confronted her pretty hard on that. Now that I think of it, it was like her line, 'I was never going to leave you.' That made me feel very good for 24 hours - when I realized she left when she was with ow, talking to her on the phone, thinking about her....

At the same time, she always knew that she'd choose me over ow if she had to choose one of us. That's a type of love.

This question comes up regularly. Long ago, a WS wrote an explanation that made me understand how a WS could love both BS and ap, but I wasn't ready to remember what that explanation was. Here's the thing, though: Whatever happened in the A(s), some WSes can redeem themselves. The big questions for anyone contemplating R is, 'Is my WS one who will redeem themself? Do I really want them?'

*****

We say, 'Look at actions, not words,' but words can be action. Talking of love ' 'ILY' is an action if it's backed up by multiple, consistent actions. At this point, it makes sense for you not to trust what your WS says. As time goes on, he'll show you by his actions what to believe.

I'm 13+ years out. I still have trouble saying ILY to my W. I have no trouble showing her I love her now, but I don't say the words anywhere near as much as I used to. That's a loss, but a small one, IMO. Showing love/being loving seems to have more impact than words, at least in our M. But that's us - you do you.

I think you hit the nail on the head with wondering if his love is the kind of love you need.

Our MC said to me once: You have to face the fact that he did not truly care about you when he was in his affair. He'd argue to his death that he did, in his way, but obviously lying, deceiving and having sex with another person are not acts of love, as I define them. She pushed me to really accept that. He did not love me in the way I would define love. Period. So painful. So hard. So true.

I remember the gut punch feeling when the MC said those words. I didn't want to believe that despite allllll of the evidence. But it was reality. Our ideas of love did not match at all.

Here is where the real work began. For me, it was accepting the above facts and for him, accepting that his version of love was not enough for me.

From there, a couple can decide to divorce due to unmatched definitions or work toward one that serves both parties.

I truly think we do a disservice to ourselves to accept "he loved me the whole time" without examining what that love looks and feels like and deciding for ourselves if it is enough. If it's not, our partners can step up. Or we can leave. But don't settle for love that hurts you.

How can you be in ‘love’?

This comes up often on here . I was reading a devotional once on my Bible Study and found an article about how the word "love" was not in the Greek text in the Bible. There are actually FOUR words for the different types of "love"...agape, philia, storge, and eros. That was my AHA moment!! Breaking down each of these four types of love sure made sense as to why my H said he could love me while still cheating on me.

AGAPE: This type of love is the most NOBLE type of love...the most selfless type. This is the word that Paul used when he wrote the letter to the Corinthians that most people use in weddings. It is the one that starts with "Love is patient, love is kind...". When the word "love" appears in the Bible about how husbands and wives should "love" each other...it is always the word "agape" that is used in that instance .

PHILIA: This type of love is the kind of love that we freely give to people and/or objects. We LOVE pasta...or our friends hairdo...or our friend . This type of love comes and goes as we evolve. I used to LOVE turtle soup, for instance. I wouldn't eat it now to save my life...just EWWW!!!

STORGE: This type of love is a familial type of love that builds special bonds over time. I believe this is the type of love my H had for me. He started his confession on Dday with, "I love you like I've never loved anyone else, but I don't think I am in love with you anymore". He was finally being truthful...after TWO freaking days of being home from overseas...and barely touching me .

EROS: This type of love is an erotic type of love and is the most selfish type. This is the type of love that is dopamine fueled...and it doesn't last because it isn't sustaining. This was the type of love that I know my H and his adultery co-conspirator had for each other. When the adultery co-conspirator wrote a scathing reply to my H's NC message...and he saw her TRUE colors...he saw that SHE was lying to him just as much as HE was lying to her. Go figure...cheating liars lying to each other !!!

When I looked at LOVE through the lens of these four types, I could certainly see how it evolved for us throughout the years. I don't know if my H had ever reached agape love for me before his A though. Honestly...I feel this was something I wasn't even giving him a chance to achieve. I had always been the giver in our relationship and never really allowed my H to be that way. He had no issue at all being the taker. That all changed on Dday. I believe this was probably the most profound change in our relationship...balancing out the "give and take"...and surprisingly...it was one of the most easiest changes. This was an ultimatum from me though on Dday...that my H was going to be unselfish. It was non-negotiable. My H was willing to do whatever it took to keep me in his life...and he did it with a little setback here and there.

Once he started doing FOR me though...it became something he actually ENJOYED doing . One of my ultimatums was that for 2 times a month...he had to PLAN something just for ME. One of the outings he planned was a trip to the New Orleans Museum of Art when they had an exhibit of my favorite artist . My H does NOT like going to art museums...but he did this for ME! Afterwards...when we were eating beignets...I asked him what his favorite part of the exhibit was. Without hesitation he said, "Seeing your eyes light up when you saw your artist's paintings" . That made me smile .

I don't know where you are in your recovery...but it is absolutely NORMAL to question EVERYTHING at first. How could you not??!! After you get some answers though...and start making the puzzle pieces to what your life really IS start to FIT...a picture will start to form again . Healing is essential FIRST. But as you heal...R can also start...if BOTH of you are ready. R will not be successful if both parties are not ALL IN...but it can be a path to go down as you are both healing . My H was adamant that R was the path he wanted to be on with me...even though I wasn't sure for the first 3 years. But we walked that path together...and I healed more and more every day. Moving forward is GOOD!! Like someone's tagline on here says...three steps forward and two steps back is still PROGRESS !