SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Everyone,

I found out a day before my 21st birthday that my girlfriend of almost 6 months was sending explicit sexual text messages to a Hawaii number. She took an off campus study term in Hawaii during Jan 2024 for 5 weeks. The texts were very graphic and described sexual acts that had occurred between them, staying that they missed having sex with each other and things like that. She also referred to this other person as baby and other pet names that she usually calls me.

I confronted her about it and the explanation that she gave me is that before we met she was providing an Online Girlfriend Experience where she would essentially get paid to a virtual girlfriend with pictures, video calls, text messages, etc just not meeting up in person. She said that she did it throughout summer 2023. She stopped once we started dating.

She was not getting paid by this Hawaii number during the last 3 months of sending texts. What really irks me is that I had to found out by reading the text messages and that she hid this from me. She said that she has never met up with this person in real life. I want to believe her but I just do not know what to think.

Overall, just feeling a mix of overwhelming emotions right now. Don't know what is going to happen in the future. One day at a time.

While the story she told you may be true, I probably wouldn’t believe that’s what’s happening here. Why not get the number she’s texting and give them a call? My guess is it’s some guy that didn’t even know she was in a relationship. He’ll probably spill the beans to you.

So her best possible scenario is sex work that apparently transitioned to sex, I dunno, freebies? Charity? That she hid from you. That’s ignoring being in Hawaii for over a month alone where the mystery number originates.

She did it for free for 3 months. That means best case this was an Emotional Affair.

Six months, no kids, no entangled finances. Do your future self a favor and walk.

So your GF is a cheater, a liar, and an online sex worker?

Run.

Her excuse is paper thin and your evidence is concrete. She cheated in Hawaii and is trying to manipulate you into believing her rather than your own gut.

So sorry that you've had to join us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful, as well as the ones marked with a bull's eye. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

If she was in Hawaii during this time, I would guess that they did meet up in person. There's a slim chance that they didn't, but I would have a tough time believing that. It sounds like she has failed the girlfriend test.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful for you. Bonus points if they specialize with infidelity betrayal trauma. This is trauma, so you will likely have emotions that are all over the place. We call it the emotional rollercoaster.

I disagree with the previous poster who said you should walk....you should not walk....YOU SHOULD RUN!

I would deserve someone way better so I would run. Ask yourself what you deserve, if you deserve better than you should run too.

You're my son's age. I'm going to tell you what I'd tell him.

This is not the girl for you.

She is lying.

The number just happens to be from Hawaii..where she just was? That isn't a coincidence.

Let's say for a minute this "girlfriend experience" is true. It's so not. But,let's say it is. That's still cheating. Face time,messages, pics...all cheating. All of it.

This story she has told you shows she thinks you aren't intelligent. It's ridiculous.

Don't waste another minute with a woman who doesn't value you. She knew what she was doing was wrong. She's showing you who she is. Believe her.

Get tested for stds.

You have a very long life ahead of you. You will find a good woman. A woman who you won't have to worry about your eventual children, finding her naked pics on some porn site.

Run.

Do your future self a favor and walk.

1000 times yes! She just failed partnership testing process in the most massive way.

No matter how hot she is, no matter how great the sex is, no matter what other great assets she has, in any way, shape or form, no matter how much money she has, nothing is worth what she is going to put you through if you stay with her. Don't even try to figure it out.

Nothing is worth what she is going to put you through if you stay with her.

PS: Stay on here, read a lot, then if you still have questions ask us how we know this!

[This message edited by standinghere at 11:16 PM, Tuesday, March 26th]

@standinghere

How do you know this?

Many of us reconciled, because we have been married for years. We have kids. We have shared assets. It's much,much harder to decide to end a marriage of many years, involving kids, than it is to sever a 6 month relationship. I mean that with respect. You love her. We all know how that feels. But WE know how hard reconciliation is. Done correctly..withe cheater working on becoming a safe partner..no rugsweeping..it's a process that literally takes years.

The very beginning of a relationship is supposed to be a honeymoon period. Everything is wonderful and new. She has already cheated. How do you think she would handle the stress of every day life, finances, and kids, of she's cheated during the beginning of the relationship.

Reconciliation is hard. So hard.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:56 PM, Tuesday, March 26th]

The lying, gaslighting and abuse that the cheater puts you through is sooo damaging. It can give you health problems and mental health problems. It can damage your feelings of self-worth. Usually, the cheater may also ignore you while busy with their new shiny. Right after my first dday, I met criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Some of our members have complex PTSD. The trauma can cause lesions on your brain, similar to a stroke patient. Also, it can cause heart problems. There really is a diagnosis for broken-heart syndrome that you can look up.

Have you watched the movie the Truman Show? How would you feel if you suddenly found out that your entire relationship and life was a big, fat lie? Let's say you get married or stay in your committed relationship for 20-25 years. Then, you find out she's been cheating the whole time. You'll be wondering if your relationship was a lie the entire time. Did she love you or not? Was she happy then or not?

In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread where BSs can ask WSs questions. You may want to read some of them to get the mindset of what the WS was thinking. Don't read if you think it will trigger you.

Sorry that you're here and sorry that you're hurting.

"Sorry that you're here and sorry that you're hurting"

Things will get better. Many of us have children your age and I would tell them to take exquisite care of THEMSELVES first and foremost.

Eat. Get good quality health and mental health care from trauma-informed providers.
Get full-panel std testing with pre and post counseling from a compassionate trauma informed provider (which I have been blessed to have). As hard as it is, I would tell my younger self to stay away from people who lie to me and risk my emotional, physical. Spiritual or financial health (in other words active waywards who are not doing the hard work on themselves to become safe partners).

I wish you peace and healing. There are amazing people in this group. They saved my life.

How do you know this?

Because we have lived it. The posters who followed me illustrated some of the reasons, but to be blunt, there is something seriously wrong with someone who cheats early in a relationship. Cheating isn't sex. It is deception, manipulation, and depriving someone else of the information that they need to make decisions.

My FWS spent over 4 years in MC. Why? Because when she finally ran to the end of the line with all the lies and misinformation we had 4 children, debt, pets, a business, and 18 years of history together.

She didn't cheat until 9 years, and it was absolute Hell. You are dating someone who started cheating in the first 6 months.

If you doubt us, stay together, get married, buy a house, have children, a couple of car payments, some pets, jobs, a troubled economy, and tack up some credit card debt.

Then see just how reliable a partner she is.

When were the most recent texts sent to this guy? In the last 6 months?

If the texts were after her "online gf service" and during or after her time in Hawaii then chances are 98% that she met this guy while there.

Did the texts to that specific number happen before you met? Or did they start when she was in Hawaii and/or after her trip?

Were you two dating exclusively?

If she is not getting paid, how does she explain sexting as not an affair?

I have spent a lot of time in Hawaii and it's a beautiful place. The type of place people go and get caught up in the romance of. I think you know what really happened there.

Kid, you're 21. You've been together six months (one of those months you were separated, so really only five months). I think you finding this out now was basically the universe tossing you a life raft.

It will be much easier for you in the long run if you cut ties now. Be respectful, don't yell or scream, just tell her that you don't think this relationship is going to work out due to a lack of honesty up to this point, which has resulted in a complete lack of trust. There's no reason to have to work so hard to rebuild trust this early in a relationship.

Do you know how long life is? Fucking really, really long! I still remember 21. The girl I was with back then for 2.5 years felt like the end of the world when it ended. I never thought I'd find love again. But you know what? I seriously dated three other girls after her and have also gotten married. Thirteen years together before she screwed up (don't get me wrong, I made my own stupid betrayal mistakes over the years as well). My wife and I reconciled and it's been much better since with much better communication, but there would have eventually been someone else worth giving my heart to even if it didn't work out.

If it doesn't end up working out at some point, I'll grieve, but I no longer believe there's nobody else out there.

Just think about it, ok?

[This message edited by Icedover84 at 3:04 PM, Wednesday, March 27th]

No new or especially insightful advice. Just wanted to reinforce what you’re being told. I was about your age when my then-fiancée exhibited a lot of wayward warning signs. Our relationship ended and I ended up with my current wife, now more than 30 years later we’re both happy and in love still.
The ex? Complete dumpster fire, even today. One of best things that ever happened to me was getting her out of my life.
Run…Now. End all contact. Start seeing a therapist. Start journaling. Do not trust anything she says. Anything. For that matter, do not trust your own feelings until you begin to really accept the relationship is over, and you’re better for it.
Stay strong.

Do you know how long life is? Fucking really, really long!

Do you know what the secret to an extremely long life is?

Get married to someone you can't trust.

You may only live for five years, but it'll seem like fucking forever!

I’m a big advocate of people doing what they want. If your girlfriend is willingly – on her own free will – creating income by sharing sexually explicit content or offering sexual favors… well… that’s her choice. I’ guessing the argument can be made that it beats student loans…
But it then becomes my issue if I want a partner for life that decided on that path and is on that path.
After all – if your goal wasn’t to find "the right one" then you wouldn’t be too bothered about this. Two passing ships in the night and all that. But it bothers you because you doubt a future with her.

You definitely need the truth. I find it strange given what you shared about the content and the location that this wasn’t physical. But even with the truth you need to understand if you are OK with your wife, mother of kids and life-partner having a past in the sex industry as well as the longtime threat of finding pics of her on youngnubilesexycollegebarelylegal dot com.