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I feel Uber needy and I’m sorry but I’m struggling.

6 months out and I don’t know how to control the anger/the pain. I wake up and I’m ok, I work from home and have my two littles while I do (2 and 3) which is stressful in itself because I also dispatch (always on the phone) H and I text through the day sometimes about the kids sometimes about evening plans and I’m almost happy….. then 2pm hits and I spiral. I don’t know how to explain it but if I let my guard down, if I let the images in , or the thoughts of him and her in my brain I lose control and the rest of the day is just shit. Sometimes I can stop myself before they get that far and other days I can’t and I just flood. I can’t breathe and I panic. I told my H this and when he came home he tried to hold me and I told him not to touch me. He got hurt , teared up and although he understood he asked if I wanted him to leave or if I wanted to leave. I accused him of not being supportive and he explained he was but he didn’t know how to help me. I originally wanted to go to the gym but sometimes I don’t want to be anywhere like nowhere I go is safe l, I have no ground and I literally panic. I told him that it would be best for him to leave so he went to the store to get stuff for the Garden for the front (he let it got last summer during his A and he feels horrible about it) He said he wants to do something to show me he loves me and is trying to build this life for with me so he took our three year old out to work on it and I just sobbed.

I know people will tell me 6 months is early , I know it is and I don’t expect to feel better yet but how do you manage the flooding? How do you live in the moment, Mondays are really hard for me because he saw her on Mondays how do you let your spouse be there for you? I’m working in IC to take back Mondays but I haven’t been able to just yet. When I will I find solid ground anywhere?

I get it. I was in your shoes. I used to "get on the train", as we called it, and it was very hard to get off once it was rolling full steam. And then it felt awful while it was happening and when things had calmed down again. The trick is to not let yourself get rolling in the first place.

My MC gave me a little card to carry that said NOTHING BAD IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. I was supposed to pull it out when I was freaking out and remind myself that the house isn’t on fire, no one is bleeding, it’s just emotions. It’s just thoughts.

Learn to redirect. Literally shake the thoughts out of your head and say "NO" aloud if you have to. Distract yourself. Reward yourself for NOT getting on the train. Brag on yourself to your H when you’re able to redirect. Create a new Monday ritual with him. Fake it til you make it.

This too shall pass.

I remember the flooding very well, it is hard to get on top of that wave. I used so many techniques, everything I could find. One was to turn the feeling of swept out to sea into a sunny swim in the ocean, where I ducked under the wave as it passed and came up to breathe in the sun. I used a lot of beach imagery and videos to help my brain see and feel something else.

I used a rubber band on my wrist and snapped the heck out of myself to shock me into stopping the pain shopping and worry. I used controlled breathing, I used my heart rate monitor to lower the beats per minute and find more calm. I told myself over and over that the more I thought of the awful, the more I was going to think about it and I did not need a perpetual motion machine replaying this in my head. The brain loves repetition, so give it something else to stim on. I got this hint from my therapist - when the stressful thoughts come, place your hand on the part of the body where you feel it most - mine was the pit of my stomach, for many it is the chest. But place your hand where the anxiety is manifesting and feel yourself and breathe. It is oddly calming in the heat of an emotional episode. So is calmly and slowly sipping a glass of water.

Your feelings are not your reality, they are just feelings and emotions and in the early months the monkeys are running the zoo. It takes a while to realize you own the zoo and all the animals in there and you have some say in the operation, especially the operating hours. It’s ok to yell at yourself Enough or Stop to redirect some of the angst.

I have a word game on my phone that is mindless and distracting and I have bested my high score over and over. It is my go to at night when my mind races and I can’t sleep. You will find the things that work for you, and the hardest thing to find is just deciding to be in control again. Good luck to you.

whatisloveanyway, thank you.

Your feelings are not your reality, they are just feelings and emotions and in the early months the monkeys are running the zoo.

This is really hard for me because what HE DID WAS REAL, he tells me it was all lies, what he said, the compliments he gave her were all fake but what he did WASN'T. The feeling of enjoyment were real, the kissing was real, the sex was real.
I know that no matter how much I think about it , no matter how much I try to make it make sense and play it in my head it will only ruin MY DAY , not hers, not his (unless I lose it on him). He will talk to me about the A all day if I ask him to but he says that he doesn't ever think about her anymore and if he does it is connected to the pain he created here. It is SO HARD for me to believe that because I think about them all of the time. When we drive by a wooded area I wonder if he is thinking of all the times they had sex considering that's where they would do it.

I really appreciate the advice on things to do to redirect and I will try some of those for sure, the beach one may be super helpful since that is my favorite place to be.

Sacredsoul

Create a new Monday ritual with him. Fake it til you make it.

^THIS , I am working on this now and I hope this helps me find peace somewhere...

This too shall pass. smile

I can't wait for that day

Groot, if it helps at all, I have every month and special event of the year, and every possible hotel chain, restaurant chain, local parks and dozens of websites to trigger me at any time. They travelled to seven states together over the years and he took her to one of my bucket list locations that I have removed from my list permanently. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t think about them and what they did almost daily, but the truth is the farther away I get from the trauma, the less it hurts when I do think of it. You are stronger than you know, and you will only grow stronger.

Use that beach analogy - the ocean is where I went when my dad died. I felt untethered until I walked into the water. I felt a stone under my foot and I picked it up and put it in my pocket and I used it like a worry stone. It took me right back to the beach. Maybe you have a shell to put in your pocket so there is a real thing to help you get to the mental place.

Lastly, those thoughts don’t have to ruin the whole day if you don’t let them, so make it your second job to keep them in their place, in the moment and not become your day or who you are. Take care.

I feel this so deeply and this has also been me for the past 16 months. I am so sorry, I know the pain all too well. I guess all I can say is, it DOES get better, slowly, but better. I can't really tell what has helped the most, I suppose the passing of time (I know this is not what you want to hear at the moment). These days I still spiral but it's way more seldom. I don't spiral as deeply (even on a really really bad day or during a horrible fight I am no longer on the bathroom floor howling in pain and wishing I could just die) and my spirals last much shorter now. I am not completely lost and out of control in the worst moments anymore, I still feel the pain, I still get overwhelmed and feel like I can't do this, there is no surviving this, but these days I can manage to keep my head over water and not drown completely in my emotions.It's still horribly uncomfortable, just not 'I want to off myself uncomfortable'.

Other than just with the passing of time, I've survived spiralling/flooding with among other things, tapping (EFT), that has helped me IMMENSELY during the worst spirals and panic attacks. Look it up, it's not too woo woo and it is scientifically proven to help lower cortisol and bring the heart rate down. There are videos on tapping to most anything on YouTube, I usually tapped (still do) to some video on the topic of feeling betrayed, or being ok, feeling out of control etc.
I also did a basic introduction course to TRE (Trauma release exercises) and have done that periodically as well but it's not something as available anytime anywhere as tapping, but it's another tool for the toolbox. Also deep breathing, counting things of the same colour/shape in a room, meditating, listening to ASMR, yoga and hours and hours at the gym have been other go-to's for me. And there has been a lot of screaming, crying and wine drinking as well and even though they are less than optimal ways of handling things I think it's important to acknowledge that whatever you need to do to survive in the throws of pain (other than hurting someone else) you might need to forgive yourself for and not expect too much of yourself. Do I wish I had handled this ordeal with more poise and calm? hell yeah but I barely survived at all, so poise and calm just had to take a step back.

Solid ground sort of creeps up on you. Really slowly. At first you get short short moments of peace that pass quickly. Then they start becoming more regular and lasting longer. At some point you notice you've had a few weeks of feeling less desperate eve in the worst moments. I'm looking forward to the days when I hardly ever flood anymore, not quite there yet but these days I dare to hope I will get there as it seems possible now (at six months I was feeling completely hopeless still and like I would never get myself back). Hold on. It does get better.

I felt this in my soul. Driving to work, I would drive past the place where I confronted FWH on DDay. Twice a day, I would flood. I know you know this, but six months out isn't that long. I struggled for quite a long time. I still occasionally will start to spin. Now, I know how to minimize it. We have a ritual in the way we greet each other and say goodbye. This morning FWH ran to the mailbox in his car and my body reacted as if he left without saying our goodbye. My body revved up instantly. Poor guy was just trying to get the mail in the rain. It's been more than 5 years now - but I am hyper-aware of changes. Thankfully, I'm now able to calm my body and mind down.

We had to learn early on that nothing he says or does helps when I'm flooding. He could try to hold me, and I'd be disgusted early on. If he kept his distance, I'd feel abandoned. In a flooded state, pretty much nothing really works. I had to learn to say, I'm super flooded right now, take a few minutes to regulate and THEN we could talk and reconnect. Only after I got myself out of the spin-cycle could I ask for what I needed....and 9 times out of 10 he was really ready to step up and give me whatever I needed to feel safe. My FWH was/is much more aware of my needs now when I voice them. He listens more and takes that information in. So, if I say, I'd really love it if.... he hears that and makes it happen.

Can you make a new Monday memory? Can you tell him that Monday's are particularly hard and that you need his help to change that? Monday lunch date, Monday phone check ins more often?, He plans and makes the family a special Monday dinner?

I'm sorry you're here. It does sound like he's trying to do the right thing, though while also being human.

ladybugmaam

You hit the nail on the head here with so many things.

We have a ritual in the way we greet each other and say goodbye. This morning FWH ran to the mailbox in his car and my body reacted as if he left without saying our goodbye. My body revved up instantly. Poor guy was just trying to get the mail in the rain. It's been more than 5 years now - but I am hyper-aware of changes. Thankfully, I'm now able to calm my body and mind down.

He no longer leaves the house without saying goodbye and kissing me, this morning due to the rain and wind he was out picking up trash that blew out in the court and he was soaked and jumped in his car to leave to go to work. He saw me standing at the door and rolled his window down, he told me he loved me and I just spiraled. I asked him why he didn't tell me goodbye and kiss me, he parked the car and held me on the porch. I always remembered him running out the door so excited to see her without a backwards glance and it just triggered the hell out of me today, I immediately felt my body start to go numb and I felt like I was back on those days. I am glad to know, I am not alone here.

We had to learn early on that nothing he says or does helps when I'm flooding. He could try to hold me, and I'd be disgusted early on. If he kept his distance, I'd feel abandoned. In a flooded state, pretty much nothing really works

This is also me. I will ask him to tell me something, anything and when he does I tell him that it didn't help and to try again, there are no magic words, magic touches , I have been learning to just step away from him and try to reclaim my thoughts.

Can you make a new Monday memory? Can you tell him that Monday's are particularly hard and that you need his help to change that? Monday lunch date, Monday phone check ins more often?, He plans and makes the family a special Monday dinner?

He is very aware Mondays are the worst days for me , he offered to bring home dinner for the kids last night so I didn't have to cook and mannnnnnn I should have let him, I was half way making the spaghetti and wanted to throw the damn crap in the garbage and curl up in bed and cry. I just feel so guilty that my kids eat so much fast food and junk right now but I pushed myself too far. I used to cook every night during H affair and he wouldn't eat saying he had a late lunch and in reality it is because he was going to have dinner with her later that night.
We are going to reclaim Mondays, we are thinking of moving our date nights to Monday for a while until I can stop spiraling and associating it with her.

I'm sorry you're here. It does sound like he's trying to do the right thing, though while also being human.

I am starting to agree with this too. There are so many people on this forum that had me questioning whether he was remorseful because he still gets upset, I will admit in the beginning he was NOT remorseful , he felt guilt, he felt bad for himself. A lot of people were helpful but some made me think if he cried, if he showed anger, or feelings then he didn't care about me, he was only worried about himself. I see now that this is not true, he can't be a robot no matter how bad he hurt me, he is allowed to be sad too.
His remorse grows each day and I have to remind myself he is only human, he can only take so much before he breaks, he is only so strong and I know that right now even though he did this, I am very very very difficult to be around sometimes, especially when he is doing all of the right things and I still put him down, he never gets mad he just gets sad and then tries again.
He has his own triggers now from me because all I did was call him and her trash for the first 4 months and let me tell you, that word or trash piling up in our house has him spiraling, I know I have done damage too and when I spiral I feel the need to make the playing field "more even" so hitting him where it hurts to me helps in the moment but later I feel horrible. This has slowed way down for the most part and I do not call him names anymore.

I also threw three bags of coco pebbles across the dining room floor on Dday , threw the broom and broke the handle off... he had to tape it back together and it took him 3 hours to clean it all up because the broom kept falling apart , so those also are not allowed to be in the house now.

Thank you for your message and honesty and letting me know that all of what I am feeling is normal at this stage.

whatisloveanyway

Lastly, those thoughts don’t have to ruin the whole day if you don’t let them, so make it your second job to keep them in their place, in the moment and not become your day or who you are. Take care.

Thank you for this, you are correct. I need to realize that only I can redirect my thoughts and I can not rely on my H to do this for me. Thank you for the coping skill ideas- this one I am going to do:

Use that beach analogy - the ocean is where I went when my dad died. I felt untethered until I walked into the water. I felt a stone under my foot and I picked it up and put it in my pocket and I used it like a worry stone. It took me right back to the beach. Maybe you have a shell to put in your pocket so there is a real thing to help you get to the mental place

Thank you for your transparency!

I try to make it make sense

You're trying to apply logic to an illogical situation. It won't make sense to you and it can drive you crazy trying to make it make sense.

For me, meditation helped me a lot with my thought spirals and flooding. There are some free aps that are available with some pre-recorded meditations that you might find helpful.

Leafields you’re right.
I will never ever understand it.

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately, this is completely normal. You’ve experienced immense trauma in this betrayal. It could have also triggered past traumas that you’re not aware of. Your brain is screaming "danger!!!" Rightfully so.

Your husband may be trying in his own way, however, he also may be right when he says he doesn’t know how to be supportive or there for you how you need it. Sure he’s doing external things for you to help, and attempting hugs which is also mostly external. If you’re like me, what I needed was to be *heard* emotionally in those moments which was something my ex WS absolutely had no idea how to do. Hence her affair right? If she knew how to process emotions and be more internally aware - she likely wouldn’t have done everything she did and had an affair in the first place. Affairs are about external validations, low self worth, an inability to find your own validations and worth internally.

Something I found helpful was to know that while my ex was trying in her own way, going to her with my emotions would only injure me more because I NEEDED to be emotionally heard. She could never do it. My thinking was, "but she hurt me so she should hear me"…well, unfortunately, she just can’t…she didn’t know how. Eventually I stopped going to her bc I realized that and realized it hurt me more to do so.

Another thing that helped was trying to find the layers of trauma behind the triggers. I would ask myself if I had felt this before in my life, if any memories of any other times before were coming up for me. I would try not to act out when I triggered and instead would try to sit in it and process the emotions. Label them. Sit with them. Feel them. See what else comes up and do the same with that.

If I was having mind movies picturing my ex and her affair partner, I would gently tell myself I was not there and these aren’t real. I don’t deserve the further trauma by making these movies up for myself. I would try to shut them out as much as I could.

If I struggled with a specific place or a specific date, I would try to recreate it with someone I love that’s safe. Or I would try to recreate it with myself. I would purposely plan to expose myself to the place for example with a trusted friend and plan something nice for us to do. Then I would tell myself, "ok, now this will be the last memory I have here instead. Now it’s mine again."

My ex had sex with her AP in my bed…welll, bye mattress! Hello new mattress. And I redid the ENTIRE bedroom to my liking. I put beautiful quotes on the wall and made everything mine to recreate it and make it safer for me. Make it my space.

It also helped to try to encourage myself to do things I loved like going boxing, journaling, or meditating at the park under a tree. I would try to push myself to do these things I love and tell myself I deserved them - especially right then as I was recovering from trauma.

As hard as it was to leave the bed, let alone the house, I would say, “ok maise, let’s sit up…ok walk to your closet…ok now put on your workout clothes…put on your shoes, walk out the door…ok get in the car…” I mean it was a step by step process. I would celebrate myself when I accomplished it & got the reward of feel-good-feelings for doing something for myself. I would also be kind to myself if maybe that day I didn’t do it, and remind myself to do something kind for self that I *can* do for now…even if it’s small…maybe tomorrow I can do a bit more.

This process is very hard. You’re not needy, keep posting, that’s what this site is for. I also had two little kiddos when I was going thru this. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Recovering from trauma takes time.

((((Hugs))))

[This message edited by maise at 10:29 AM, Wednesday, April 3rd]

I think a standard way of handling flooding is to do something like,

- notice 3-5 things that are right in front of you, or
- take deep breaths. or
- name your feeling (I'M FURIOUS!').

There's no shame in flooding. Being betrayed brings lots of emotions with it.

I used rewind techniques with mind movies and flashbacks, before I even heard of rewind therapy. That way, in my version of the movie OW for example fell out of bed legs akimbo like a sex doll but with a very spotty bum or whatever. Since your vivid imagination is at play, turn it to your advantage. They were just two rather selfish pathetic creatures with ego needs - you can play on that theme and disaggrandise the event into the seedy and stupid non event it probably was. Either way, you take the control and don’t be at the mercy of triggers. They’re your nervous system trying to keep you safe, don’t therefore try avoidance behaviour as that just perpetuates the fear of them but try to teach your nervous system that you’re safe and you can cope, whatever happens.

And what sissoon said. (And other good suggestions by others above)

[This message edited by Edie at 3:13 PM, Wednesday, April 3rd]

I am sorry you have to go through this, that we all had to go through this. It sure is tough and I feel your pain. For me, I tried many different things.. Sometimes, I would excuse myself to be alone and give myself 10-15 minutes of mourning, crying, blubbering.. you name it.. I would not let it encompass an entire day and ruin it. I would get myself busy and shove those emotions down. I no longer wanted to ruin a full day or two once those feelings emerged and took hold. Also, another thing I did was try to refocus my thoughts to win the battle in my mind. I do not know if you are a Christian, but when those feelings flooded in, I would try to shift channels by focusing on the right things.. think about Jesus, think about others, and think about eternity. I wish you peace during this very difficult transition, God Bless.

Groot, I don’t know if this will help you, but in my EMDR therapy I recently started, I was taught to do eye rolls. You picture a happy safe place, put yourself there. Look up for three seconds, look down for three seconds, deep inhale for three seconds, slow exhale for three seconds, then repeat. I’ll do this for about 2-3 minutes, all the while telling myself positive affirmations. I think positive thoughts about myself, I don’t think of my spouse. It’s supposed to be about realizing that you are a good and worthy individual. It also helps me move past the traumatic thoughts. April 1st was DDay + 3 years for me. My therapist calls the two weeks leading up to that day trauma week/s for me. It still takes its toll. The EMDR has moved me past the anger, but now I’m just sad. It’s all part of the processing of grief. I hate it but it has to be done. You are going to be OK girl. Hang in there. We are all here to support you and you can say anything you are feeling. This is a hell I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but this is the life we were dealt. I know I’ll get through this just like I know you will too. Things will get better, I promise. Everyone on this forum has become my family, and you are now family as well. We’ve got your back! Just know that you are a good person, take some deep calming breaths and think of positive things that do still make you happy.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 1:52 AM, Thursday, April 4th]

You are all literally the best!!!

I have deleted all social media and now this place I call home (not by choice) but I’m so thankful I found you all, not sure I would have made it this far. I check this site first thing in the am and last thing before I go to sleep. I hate to admit I used to question people with addictions, anxiety , panic attacks, triggers. I didn’t understand and I can tell you I will NEVER question this again, I feel foolish.

Thank you all so much for the advice.

Copingatmybest you better believe I’ll try that eye roll technique, I start emdr next week and I’m so nervous to do this

Sisoon I already started the noticing three items (strangely it’s helped) one thing I noticed was a photo of our daughter and it really helped redirect my thoughts.

Fof9303

I also take 5-10 minutes quite often and just sit on my bed staring at the wall just trying to find my inner peace and my daughter (10) will find me and tell my H I am on the bed again. It’s became a new normal here but oddly that helps too. I feel like I mourn a little each time. I’m glad I’m not alone here. I am religious and we are Christian, I will say my happiest moments are in church and when I listen to my favorite Christian music , it helps tremendously. God bless you too.

Maise

I am so much like you. I have to talk through the trauma. I need him to just listen. Think Robin Williams , that is my H. He thinks making me laugh or taking my mind off things helps, it doesn't. Sometimes I need to just sit with the pain and I need him to just hear the pain , it’s probably his least favorite part of the day but it helps me.

Edie

I have learned so much about the nervous system and how my brain is thinking it is keeping me safe. It is so interesting yet so hard to teach my brain that now I am safe , it is literally a job in itself. You are so right , when i see them together I imagine it so disgusting because there is what she is and what he was at the time just trashy. The OW has nothing on me and I keep trying to tell myself that. Thank you.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 3:25 AM, Thursday, April 4th]