It's approaching four months from discovery, and I'm hitting a new phase. I'm just a mix of feelings. So far in this journey, the reality that I've been accepting is how much damage I've done to my partner, our family, out lives, all of it. That part of the journey isn't done yet for sure, but something else is coming up now too. I'm not sure if it's time, having accepted some of the damage I cause, coming out of the fog, or what, but the reality of the damage I did to myself is sinking in. I was disgusted before with the emotional damage that I caused. Now I keep thinking about how I let someone else in my body and told him I loved him. 
Worse off he was my rapist. I can't stop thinking about it. Im nauseous all the time. I haven't been able to finish a meal in a minute because I want to vomit back out everything that touches my tongue. I can't
There was a whole lot that I consented to with the affair partner, and they didn't force me into an affair, even with the assault and elements of coersion. I was only in a situation for him to take advantage of me because I had lie to my husband and kept poor boundaries. I blame myself for the rape, and for the assault that came the last time I ended the physical aspect of the affair. I'm also VERY angry at the affair partner right now. He raped me! He emotionally abused and manipulated me for eight months! Then he tried to rape me again when I ended the physical part of the affair.
We were both students so I filed a Title IX complaint against him and am going through that process now. I had attempted informal resolution to speed it up, but decided to start just by asking the affair partner (through email through an intermediary, no direct contact, betrayed spouse knows and approved before starting the process) what his perspective on the accusations were and what he thought the consequences would be. I wasn't wasting time quibbling over terms if he doesnt have any interest in being accountable. I got his response back and he does not! He said that I was just trying to punish him for the affair, made a vague and weak apology because he was so in love with me he didn't know how hard it would be around me and not assault me. He then had the AUDACITY to ask for the lowest set of consequences so they didn't interfere with his education plans. Without acknowledging that HE interfered with MY education plans. I was supposed to graduate in May, not to mention sharing classes with the person who raped me and was actively abusing me and isolating me from the rest of the class kinda sorta disrupted my ability to be an engaged and healthy member in class. I was angry and lashed out a lot. That doesn't excuse my behavior, but once I put the puzzle pieces of what he was doing to me together I felt a lot less crazy. But now I feel ashamed, weak, stupid, and pathetic. He was so obviously toying with me and I kept ignoring my gut and telling myself I was the crazy/emotional one.
And this is the person I let touch me, that I told me secrets to. I even told him private things about the relationship with my spouse. I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
To add insult to injury, I found out not long after discovery that I wasn't the only person he was playing/potentially assaulted at the same time the affair was going on. I found out right after discovery and at the time brushed it off. I was like, "ok, yeah, more evidence the affair was bad whatever." There was too much going on to care. Now it's actually something I've been able to taken in. I feel stupid for feeling this way but I'm angry at the affair partner for that too. I knew during the affair that he wanted a real girlfriend and told him I wasn't holding him to being exclusive to me but if he had sex with anyone else I need to know so I could protect myself and my husband. Ugh, the mental gymnastics I did to still feel like a good person while being a shitty person. I don't have romantic feelings for the affair partner. I think everything along with writing the timeline and seeing the stark reality recently killed any good feelings I had and now I'm firmly in anger/disgust/hatred. I don't want to be with him. I don't want to be around him. It's more like, "oh another way that he played me and that I was a fucking idiot to not see."
Today I'm really struggling with not blaming myself for the things he did that weren't my fault. Even typing that I start to think, "But if I hadn't...." I'm struggling not falling into self flagellation. I'm struggling to let myself feel what I'm feeling. I don't feel like I have a right to feel bad about this when I'm the perpetrator, and everything I'm feeling is probably a shadow of what my spouse - the real victim - is feeling. I wish I could eat these yummy things my spouse is putting all this work into. We don't really need to be wasting food either,but after a few bites I just can't.
I don't really have a question. I'm meeting with my therapist today but I wanted to share and be heard by people who at least have lived through the disgust with themselves for their actions. I know that I need to forgive myself but what is that even look like really? One thing I realized after discovery is I've never forgiven anyone in my life. I held a grudge or I "forgot" but I never forgive. So that's something to work on.
