SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last week WH and I had a rough few days! I found out that his AP was now in a new relationship with another co-worker (all work at same place). So this is the third person she has been with sexually at the same employment place in a year. I thought if I heard she had moved on that it would make me feel slightly better. Well I was wrong.

Instead it made me feel more anger. Or maybe same anger just stemming from a new place. I just can’t believe he would risk his whole family and life for some girl who is happy to be with any dick on legs. I told him he was now even more pathetic in my eyes. Yep I had another meltdown - just when I thought I was handling things better 🤦🏽‍♀️

The hurt on his face said it all. But he just reinforced how he made a terrible choice and that he knows it was the worse thing he could have ever done to us.

When I finally calmed down we discussed it calmly. But he said something to me that was a big hit of reality. He said ‘I see how much pain you are in all the time and I am sorry that I have done that to you but I am trying everything to make things right and I just don’t know what else I can do’.

And he is 100% right. He is doing everything, I can tell he is remorseful - he has been fully transparent, given me the timeline, done counselling, read all the books,we have determined together the why’s and he is putting in a lot of work from what he has learnt into actions for being a safe partner. I honestly can’t tell him anything else either, he’s probably doing more than I ever thought he was capable of.

But the pain is still so raw. That makes me so sad and scared. I assume it’s just time and seeing that he keeps up all he is doing now before the pain doesn’t seem as bad. And I guess that is just what life is now!!!

It's how life is right now but not forever.

You both need to understand that your processing, grieving and healing are going to take a long time. His work helps but does not solve. You have a wound. It's going to bleed and heal, bleed again, heal some more. It's normal. It's part of the grieving cycle.

His job is to focus on supporting you through those moments. I get his worry that what he is doing isn't enough but that's not true (per you he is doing all you could ask for). His expectation that what he is doing is a magic eraser for your pain is where his thinking is wrong.

I had heard something similar from my WS from time to time. Eventually I said "I hear you but that is you focusing on you. How my pain is making you feel. In those moments of high pain or anger, you need to be there for me. You have big shoulders. You need to carry the ball in those moments. Or don't. But I can't carry you in them."

I just don’t know what else I can do’.

It really is out of his control. It’s in your control now. Your healing, your control.

I assume it’s just time

Time is an element, but a relatively small one. It’s what you do in that time that matters. Active healing.

You’ve been heard, Webbit!

Webbit
I’ve often wondered about this too. What would make it better for me? What else can WH do to make me feel better?
And the answer is "nothing". Even if WH did everything perfectly every single time, my injured brain will be triggered at times. It’s like if you’ve been in an airplane crash… even if the new plane you are flying in is perfect and the pilot is the most experienced with zero history of any accidents, you would have that underlying sense of fear and anxiety. Or if your house has been burglarized, no matter how many safeguard features you put in place, you won’t feel 100% safe. But after you’ve lived in the house for many years and haven’t had any more burglaries, then you start to let your guard down. Same for airplane rides. So my answer is time. And consistent positive actions of your WH. Positive reinforcement over time?

What helps me sometimes is I take WH’s positive changes and project them into the future. What if his changes ultimately result in a happy and fulfilling marriage for us? What if in X years, I am truly happy and feel 100% loved and cherished by WH? What is we can actually survive infidelity and thrive?

Hi, Webbit, give yourself some grace.

You are dealing with trauma. It's going to take years to get over it.

If I recall correctly, I had meltdowns for years. PTSD set in hard, and something would trigger me (my WH was a master Trickle truther), and I'd go deep into that rabbit hole. I mean deep. Rage like I've never felt before.

Healing is a marathon, not a sprint. Your husband could be the model wayward as far as waywards go. He could be doing everything right, but the one thing he cannot do is take the trauma and devastation he caused away.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it's only been a few months.