SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new to all of this with my DDay only coming up on 5 months and TT day only 4 months. At least i think the total truth. My husband has been cheating on me for over 10 years in one form or another. Dating sites, one short affair, one long term affair with a girl our seconds daughters age. I was totally blindsided by this. I never thought that this could happen to me. Since DDay he has cut off all contact, got rid of his other phone that he has had for years, gave me access to all accounts, lets me track where he is, answers my calls or texts right away. We are in MC and IC. I am still dealing with the trauma of all of this. He says he never stopped loving me. He is doing all the right things, showing true remorse. Some days are just so hard to cope. But I still love him. I can’t imagine life without him, or at least the person I met when I was 22 years old. My wanting to stay and have a new good marriage has nothing to do with me being independent. I have a good career and make good money.
I want a good life. He says that he feels a cancer has been cut out of him. He is willing to do the work, do anything to R.
I need some good stories of couples that worked long term.

Hello - I could have written most of this post! Our time line is almost identical in terms of the start of my WH's infidelity, Dday, etc. So I'm replying to offer support, and to let you know you're not alone. I'll watch this closely for advice from the wise people on this board. One piece of advice that I followed was to have my WH take a polygraph - it took 2 tries, but going through this process really squeezed everything there was to tell out of him. He is now doing all of the things that yours is in terms of showing remorse and making amends. But I keep telling him that its been a very short time, and that I'm watching him closely.

In my mind, WH's good behavior after being caught is just like passing a cop on the highway when speeding, panicking, and then slowing down for a while. Most people eventually start speeding again when the panic fades. Can our WHs keep up the good behavior while we do the work in IC and MC? Time will tell.

If the people your husband cheated with have partners, did you inform them? Curious about how that went.

There is a thread of positive R stories at the top of this forum.

It's also important to be realistic. He's a serial cheater. It's possible he may never cheat again. If he does the work,and gets to the real reason he cheated,he has a better chance of never doing it again. At the same time, many of us have ws who did the work,and didn't cheat for several years, and then cheated again. Reconciliation is a gamble. The most important thing you can do,is work on yourself. Get yourself to a place of independence, so that if he does it again, you know you will be ok.

There is no magic formula. It will all come down to whether he wants to,or not. Mine was extremely remorseful. Truly remorseful. He did the work. And he didn't cheat again. Until I developed health issues that made sex painful. Then he did it again.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:19 PM, Friday, April 12th]

My story is similar to yours. Almost 6 years later still married and happy I stayed. It can work. Marriage is now better than I THOUGHT it was before I knew. Was it worth the pain? Nope. But it’s what life dealt me and I had to make the most of what was before me. I am happy again. It can happen. :) hurts like hell for a long time, but had I left it would have hurt for very different reasons. Proud of my progress and the choices I’ve made for me. Chase your best option at peace.

Thank you all for the support. Elara the women he was with were single. I have been reading all the success stories here and that helps. I have a good career and can support myself financially and I have a great family. He would be the one to lose everything if he cheats again. I know this is a big gamble I am taking, right now I know it’s the right decision for me to work on R. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I am a cancer survivor. This is worse.

I am 1.5 years out, so not long term. My husband had a sexual encounter with a coworker with a few nude photos prior. He kept it from me for a year before his AP blew it wide open when he cut off from her and continued to reject her.

I just want you to know, you aren't alone. Your feelings are going to be EVERYWHERE. Just when you think you were moving past one stage of grief it will slap you in the face again when it comes back around. It's okay to hurt, it's okay to feel okay sometimes, it's okay to feel absolutely pissed off, It's okay to feel hopeless and it's okay to feel happy.

I hope your WS does the work

I just popped into SI to message a friend and saw your post.

I can't believe it's been this long but we're 17 years out from my husband's A.

I took the long road through recovery and reconciliation but it worked for us.

The most important thing I did after the A was to take care of myself.

I went to therapy (still do), made rules, created boundaries and let my husband know the conditions of R.

He fell right in line with me and has moved mountains to make me feel safe. He never made me feel guilty for my feelings, insecurities, anger ..... anything.

He knows if there were to ever be another A our marriage would be over. I have made sure I am strong enough and independent enough to take care of myself. I don't worry about being alone.

With that said, we're happy. The A is so long in the past I struggle to remember details.

We've created a life with a strong foundation and a happy home.

It seems like such a long road when you're just starting out or a few years in, but it really isn't. Focus on you, find some passions that make you happy. Be part of your marriage and walk through life with your partner while also being your own person.

My mantra while doing this was to get up every day and ask myself if I could do another day.

If the answer was ever a no, I knew it was time to take a new direction.

But it never was.

Be good to you, take care of you and your path will become obvious.

Happily reconciled 11 years after his second affair.

You will never have the sane marriage. Yes many things will return to the way they were, but recovery takes years and yiu will cycle through many phases (hurt, anger, grief etc.).

Your husband is a serial cheater. Decades long cheater in some way shape or form. Please know that is a habit ingrained in his life. He may have difficulty remaining monogamous without professional help.

As for your healing, you need to put yourself first. Not your marriage, not your husband, but you.

I hope you are getting professional counseling just for you. Not marriage counseling but individual counseling that supports you.

Do not let him sweep this under the rug. This is what many cheaters Strive for - to just "move on" and focus on "the present". Typical cheater behavior that only benefits the cheater.