SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, I so wish I had found you all 6 years ago. Some background is probably best.
Dday was February 2018, at lunch while setting up a new phone for my wife I got "live" messages between her and her lover. To say I was broken is an understatement.
These messages contained each of them telling how much they loved each other and how rhey wanted to touch and more amd be together forever.
Now here's the kicker, it was a female COW rhat my wife was having this affair with.
I confronted her that evening and the blood drained from her face. I left for a few days and what followed was a hounding of me by phone calls and messages to come home.
Our daughters were aged 11 and 9 at the time so very young.
I came back and the sorry and apologies began.
She said that she could not leave her job but that she would cut contact woth the person.
This did not happ3n straight away and I caught her in a car talking to this woman a few times.
Eventually she left the job and began work elsewhere.
6 years on I am still struggling to get iver this and now realise that I don't think I want to stay.
My wife has a significant birthday this year and we are "celebrating" 25 years married so timing is, as usual great.
I don't know what to do but I think I am at the end of the road. I feel like I am constantly thinking when we have an argument that what right has she to argue with me.
I, by no means are perfect and nor do I think that.
I get on famously with her family and they are brilliant people but I'm not married to them.
I just don't know what to do.
Anyway, that's the jist of it, feel free to express your pearls of wisdom.

A thought is to move to divorce. Not necessarily get a divorce but move to divorce.

Take yourself to the point where each choice, divorce or stay, is as easy as the other. Papers in hand, nothing left but a signature on the dotted line. There is no friction keeping you from going one direction or the other. There is only choice.

At that point, choose.

Then whichever path you choose, commit to it and don’t look back.

Give the moment the seriousness it deserves, take actual action rather than talk. In this case the action could be to enable that choice.

You’ve been heard, friend.

Welcome to SI and I'm so very sorry that you've been hurt by infidelity. The Healing Library has a lot of references and includes the list of acronyms we use. In the JFO (Just Found Out) Forum, there are some pinned posts that we usually recommend for newbies. Because your WW's (wayward wife's) A (affair) was so long ago, you've probably had some healing take place and so those may not apply - but you can check them out. Also, in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for those whose WS (wayward spouse) had a same-sex AP (affair partner).

Have you spoken with a lawyer or several to see what D would look like?

Have you done any IC (individual counseling)? My second therapist was a betrayal trauma specialist, and was very helpful. We did a grief recovery workbook that helped me through the grieving process of the end of my M (marriage).

It's fine if the A was a dealbreaker for you, and that's ok. We have a saying around here about D (divorce): when you know, you know.

I think I am at the end of the road.

It is ok to be "done". Sometimes the relationship cannot reestablish, no matter how much work and time go by.

Your children may not understand for a long time, but they will eventually. Being honest and open about why is important at this age. Notice, I did not say to disclose nitty gritty details, nor to throw the FWS under the bus, but they need to have an understanding of "why" and "why now".

JMHO, YMMV

Thank you so much for the replies.
Apologies for not using the acronyms, I will try.
I have not spoken to a lawyer or had counselling at this point.
My girls do nit know but are old enough now I think to maybe understand.
Rhe eldest has her final year in school next year and this is a very important year for her, just another thorn for me contemplate I guess
I feel at peace with the A now and do not hold any animosity towards my WS.
Most of my WS family are aware if the A and only one of my very close relatives knows. He was infact with me when some of the messages came through on her phone.

No need to apologize for not using the acronyms, they’re purely for the convenience of the writer. If you prefer to use the actual words vs shorthand no one’s going to mind. But you will need to know what they stand for to make sense of replies and other posts.

My wife has a significant birthday this year and we are "celebrating" 25 years married so timing is, as usual great.

There’s never going to be a perfect time to file. Start by consulting with a lawyer or three to get a solid understanding of what divorce will look like for you.

The legal aspect of D works differently over here.
I believe u have to be judicially separated for 2 years before D is finalised.

I believe u have to be judicially separated for 2 years before D is finalized.

You still need to know what it will look like and to ensure you due the separation process correctly.

Yes, of course I need to do that.
Life has generally been very good the past few years but I can't take being shouted at etc anymore.
I belive my WS is aware that I am not happy and has said on several occasions that she us afraid I'll leave some day.

but I can't take being shouted at etc anymore.

Uggh, life is too short to endure that. Your kids likely see it too?

Action of any kind, breaking loose from the mud so to speak, generally beats inaction. Sounds like it’s time for a change. Have you sought counseling together or individually?

Yes, kids see it and get it too from time to time.
My WS has went for counselling a few times right after dday, me never have.

You mentioned divorce, and said that takes time. If you were to write down a bulleted list of potential actions that you could take immediately, what would that look like? Write down the good ideas and the bad ones. By the way, your first action was to post here on this forum. 🙂

What about marriage counseling for the arguments/shouting? And try IC for your own healing?

It's ok to decide you want to separate and D. However, you have avoided two pretty important tools of reconciliation that might help you get through this. After trying R for 6 years I might do both types of counseling before pulling the plug.

Thanks once again for all of your input.
TBH I think I am gone past trying R and counselling and I am just here going with the flow until the next verbal abuse iver something stupid.
Please dont think I'm being dismissive about it though.

Time2go, if you are done, you are done. Don't let anyone sway your decision. Good luck to you.

TBH I think I am gone past trying R and counselling and I am just here going with the flow until the next verbal abuse iver something stupid.

Well, as long as you are going to stay (or even if you decide to go) you might as well work on yourself. Use your situation as a laboratory of human nature. You are getting into those "what does it all mean" years too, when you are taking stock.

Do have opportunity to listen to audiobooks? Or just time to read? I really recommend The Power of Now by Eckhard Tolle. It’s not about infidelity and recovery, it’s just about understanding yourself better. Don’t have to agree with everything that is in the book, but it will at least get you thinking. It can definitely change your relationship with your past, and your suffering. The perspective you have of your situation isn’t the only valid one that you could have. There are others that are equally valid. By changing your perspective, perhaps you can see some actions to take that will improve everything for your family. You, your children, and your wife.

We are glad to provide you with a sounding board, Time2go. You’ve been heard.

6 years on I am still struggling to get iver this ....

This troubles me.

Verbal abuse is a good reason to D, but not getting over the A after 6 years is something you probably don't have to accept. A Divorce will largely get you away from the source of new traumatic interchanges, but you will still have to heal from the A to thrive after the D. D doesn't change the fact that you've been betrayed in a way that evokes great criticism from some misguided people. For example, I see my sitch this way: my W wanted to cheat with a woman because I wasn't womanly enough for her; therefore I was manly enough for anyone. How do you see yourself WRT your W's choice of ap?

The way to survive and thrive requires, IMO, changing one's self-talk to be very kind to and supportive of yourself. Is that how you talk to yourself? If not, I urge you to find a good counselor. You'll be glad you did if you do some work on yourself.

We are glad to provide you with a sounding board, Time2go. You’ve been heard

Thank u do much for this, I really appreciate it.

How do you see yourself WRT your W's choice of ap?

This is a very good question. My W has never indicated that she is Bi or anything of that nature and part of my feels that she felt immense shame from the A because of it.
I fear that that part of the apologies, crying etc were for self preservation and to keep it from going "public".
We live in a small town and her family would be well known.

For me I felt inadequate, I don't want to come across as bragging but I believe and have been told I do, and contribute more than alot of husbands.
Therefore this was a complete shock, I knew there was something as I had been alienated for over 12 months.
I was told that it was due to the menopause and to have some respect.

Im going to call bullshit on the menopause excuse. Jeesshh.

I just get a sense of suffering and struggle on both of your behalf, through your words. Neither party at peace, both feel trapped, your kids locked in with you. I also don’t doubt that things can be better for both of you. Thats the important thing…they can be better.

Does she agree that things are untenable as they are?