SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted back in 2022 after I had found out that my husband who has ADHD had had both emotional affairs and a physical affair of two
Months with someone. At that time I decided to stay with him having been with him for 11 years. Also having two children and a step son. I had some understanding that some of the behaviours were linked to untreated ADHD at the time and that we both had some part to play in our marriage difficulties which included poor communication and lack of intimacy.

There had been several behaviours prior to this that I accepted such as drink driving offence and once where he filmed a video of a woman’s backside from
Our garden.

We both had separate counselling and had been working through some or the issues. From him I needed more support with the children and domestic and household tasks as well as more emotional support and I tried to give him ‘what he needed more’ and made more efforts to be intimate. It had improved and we felt closer but he was still not happy really doing a lot around the house and would sleep in every day expecting me to ask him to do things and I would still be responsible for all things relating to kids and household tasks as well as working full time.

At the same time which explains additional stresses we have both had our son has after 2.5 years received diagnosis or ADHD and ASD and within the last month has started treatment.

He looses his phone all the time and although I hadn’t for ages I would sometimes check his phone ( this was an agreement we made back in 2022 for me to feel I could trust him and monitor things)
So I checked his phone this week and I found he has been messaging this woman from an ADHD forum and found messages like ‘ I wish I could escape to have sex’ in an ideal world I would like friendship and if we could sex for fun but I realise I can’t because of marriage and distance’. I also found two messages arranging ‘slots’ with local addresses ans being asked to bring cash.

After confronting he has admitted he turned up to one of the prostitutes houses but couldn’t go through with it as he says he realises it was wrong. He explained the relationship with the lady on the forum as him sharing with someone how he feels generally and wasn’t a relationship. He txt this person and she wrote back basically confirming this and that they had never had any physical
Contact nor were they planning to.

I feel
Completely numb I feel
Like it has now probably gone way to far for me to ever trust this man again and even if he hasn’t actually had sex I feel hurt that he would betray and secretly message and talk about running away to have sex with someone. When I am doing my best to take care of kids work full time look after the house and him.

He told me he realises now he has an addiction to sex ( which I had been saying all along and suggested he address before) he tells me he can’t accept we wouldn’t be together and he is going to do everything he can to prove to me he can change. He tells me he loves me and h can’t believe he has been so stupid.

I feel so hurt and embarrassed and I don’t know what to do. I think deep down I know I need to walk away but the thought of the situation makes me feel so scared.

Any support and advice and company is much appreciated

I am so sorry you are having to go through this again. You did not cause it, and you can not fix it. He came into your marriage with this behavior. It is up to him to find a therapist whose expertise is SA.
ADHD is used for every excuse under the sun. I have it. One of my children has it. Neither of us cheat. In fact we are pretty good people. Do not let him use that.

You need to look after your health. Try to eat healthy and if you have trouble a drink like Ensure will get you some nutrition. Try to get some sleep when you can. If you are feeling anxiety talk to your dr about some temporary meds, and be sure to get tested. He has been too busy misbehaving to trust him.

Sorry you’re back that sucks big time. In my opinion, ADHD , sex addiction or whatever are convenient excuses. He is clearly disordered and probably thinks he can get away with anything and you won’t leave. If I were you I would see a lawyer, make an exit plan and keep it all secret until you execute the plan. This can’t go on, it’ll make you ill. He won’t change because he can’t, it’s who he is.

One of the dangers of a relationship with a high imbalance of responsibility toward kids/household obligations is that the partner who is abdicating the mental and (often) physical workload to the more "functional" partner is that the more functional partner is continually learning that they can handle the whole load...because they are pretty much doing it already.

He's cheated and continued to cheat--now knowing full well how very destructive and hurtful that was for you.

How much is the pain and distrust adding to your mental and emotional load?

How heavy is your load in the household considering that you do your share, and yet also have to ask him to step up and do his share? Is it really his household task if you have to remind him to do it?

Is he actually a partner to you? Or is all the well-earned distrust, monitoring, and reminding/asking him to step up on the household/childcare work just draining you more?

Might your load actually be less without this drain?

I'm posing these questions because you're scared to really consider separation or divorce.

It's worth considering.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 2:03 PM, Sunday, April 21st]

Thank you for responding It really helped last time coming here and again it gives me some strength knowing there are people there that can give me some advice

I have spoken with one friend since I have been keeping most of what I have been through to myself
The last couple of years so that I can carry on and I suppose once I decide to tell
My mum dad and brother then that will really be it as I feel there will be no going back.

Your right emotionally I have had more than enough on my shoulders I have actually been supporting him as if he is a third child making sure he is up for work making sure he keeps in touch with his other son (my step son) these are all
Things o said I wouldn’t do after I found out about the first affair.

My friend thinks my life would actually be easier without him and I think this is probably true. It’s just such a big step and I think I need time to get some advice. Financially although I earn about the same as my
Husband I will be worse off due to the housing market etc and I am genuinely worried I won’t be able
To afford anywhere to live with the kids as we will have to sell the house d split 50/50 I am
Sure. I think I am also scared about his mental health and the impact of this on the kids. He has already said he can’t go on without me in his life. I am sure this is quite typical and a way to control but it’s just really hard. I am poorly
At the moment so having him to help with the kids is helpful suddenly he can do all
The things he should have been doing before to help me.

I have actually been supporting him as if he is a third child

I suspected this but figured you would get to this "aha" on your own.

...suddenly he can do all the things he should have been doing before to help me

To me, this would be another a nail in the coffin for the relationship.

It wasn't that he really couldn't do it on his own; it was that he was CHOOSING not to do it on his own. He saw your workload and frustration and just kept letting you take on that extra load.

I don't want a partner who only becomes the self they should be because the sky is now falling for them.

I deserve the partner who strives to be their best self because they want to live that way and because they choose to show up for me.

We all deserve that.
And we should all be that.

You don’t have to take any decisions right away with a traumatized mind. You need to be prepared before you pull the plug on your marriage, that is if you decide to. While you prepare watch his actions. See if he truly puts in the work. If you decide to stay and work, that’s your life and your choice. If you decide to leave, that also is your choice.

Maybe time to involve his family too just so they can keep an eye on him, in case you decide to leave.

My EXWW has ADHD and being married to her was like being married to a child. She was epically incapable. When I left her, I found that life had suddenly become manageable. I was able to parent my kids, run the house, and generally navigate things with ease. It was even a little boring.

For her, things were less good. As a single parent, she was now alone, without a husband to pick up all the extra stuff she failed to do. I remember one time when I was picking up my kids. She was flustered and just wanted them gone. She marched out of the house and stated, "Do you have any idea how hard it is being a single parent?" I just smiled, as we had 50/50 custody...

A bit of a rant. Sorry, but just to let you know you are not alone.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 2:18 PM, Monday, April 22nd]

For her, things were less good. As a single parent, she was now alone, without a husband to pick up all the extra stuff she failed to do. I remember one time when I was picking up my kids. She was flustered and just wanted them gone. She marched out of the house and stated, "Do you have any idea how hard it is being a single parent?" I just smiled, as we had 50/50 custody...

Get full custody and nail her for every cent of child support you can wring out of her. More $$ for you, clearly better for the kids.

Oh, for crying out loud. ADHD isn't an excuse for having an affair. "Sorry, I can't pay attention, so I accidentally had sex with someone by accident." Oh, come on.

ADHD isn't an excuse, but it can be an explanation. I'm ADD (ADHD distractive type or something like that). There are things I pretty much can't do that Attention Excess people can do with their hands tied behind their backs. OTOH, I can do things that AE folks can't even dream of doing.

The above is neither here nor there. If an ADHD person becomes a WS, the least they can do is look for a treatment that works.

If you're a BS of someone with ADHD, you get to decide whether you stay or go. There's no need to stifle yourself because your WS is different from most people. If you stay, though, it makes sense to me to require the WS to find treatment for their ADHD.

Impulsiveness is one symptom of ADHD. That can lead to getting distracted by a person and deciding sex with that person is a good idea. (I certainly notice women other than my W. I understand wanting to love everyone who looks good to me. I'd do it, too, but for the fact that I just don't see a way to have a deep connection with my W and go with other women; I know it's one or the other. But many ADHDers don't make the same connection I do.) In any case, your H may be experiencing symptoms of ADHD in wanting sex with lots of women, not sexual addiction.

If you're thinking of staying, my reco is to require your H to get treatment from a qualified person who can prescribe ADHD meds. In a lot of cases, the effect of meds come pretty quickly, though not always. That may make the difference between going and staying.

But it doesn't have to. If you're done, so be it. Fear is normal - you're going into a new sitch. And if your WS won't get treated for whatever ails him, I agree with your friends that your workload will become lighter if you ditch an adult child.

*****

...he tells me he can’t accept we wouldn’t be together....

That sort of statement scares me - if you say your M is over, will he get violent? Will he stalk you? What do you make of that statement?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:26 PM, Tuesday, April 30th]