SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,

Apologies for the long post, I’m very new here.
At the beginning of March, I learned that my boyfriend of a year had had an emotional affair during the first ~6 months of our relationship. This was something that I had suspected as I knew the AP and she gave me the vibe that she had been into him the whole time I knew her. I only found out because she and her friend (who I did not know) had sent me a vague text from the friends number saying that he had been "unfaithful" and wanted to let me know because we were going to be moving in together. (They had my number because I had tried to be friends with this girl initially). I got this message first thing in the morning (sent at midnight and I read it around 5am), and he initially denied knowing what it was about. We both went to work but I could tell he was lying to me. We got home after and he finally confessed that from St. Patrick’s day last year to Labor Day last year, they had been texting and flirting almost every day.

I had decided to break up with him after getting alot of opinions from my friends, but ended up coming to the realization that I really did still want to be with him after thinking for a couple weeks and a couple IC sessions. I don’t want to regret any of my decisions and I do have the confidence that he would not do this again. He started going to IC on his own and while we are only a bit over a month in, I want to work towards this future with him. My friends all say that they just want me to be happy, but I know that they will likely never like him and don’t really want me to be with him. I hate coming across to everyone as this young naive girl who is blind to everything. I don’t know if I’m just looking for reassurance that I’m not stupid for still wanting to be with him. Does anyone else have any advice? I know that every situation is unique.

My pre marriage was similar to yours. He apologized and I married him. 15 years in to our marriage he starts a longterm physical affair. Bottom line is, unless he gets serious mental help with whatever the F is wrong with him, I’d run! My husband did get help after d day (15 years too late) and is a good man now, but if I had know ……… nope.

my boyfriend

You’re not married? No kids? No deep financial entanglement? A history of him lying and cheating?

You know what I am going to say next…

I’m just looking for reassurance that I’m not stupid for still wanting to be with him. Does anyone else have any advice? I know that every situation is unique.

First, every situation may be unique, but they all rhyme. It’s all been done before. Your story is very, very common.

Second, you are not at all stupid. You’re human, with a heart that wants what it wants. But ask yourself if it wants who he showed himself to be, as opposed to who you think he is. Those are two different people.

Standard advise here if not married, etc., is to cut your losses short and don’t settle. Thank him for revealing his character to you, and find someone who is honest from day 1.

I don’t want to regret any of my decisions and I do have the confidence that he would not do this again.

The honest truth is that you can never know what a person will do, and there will be decisions that you regret. That's just life. I had all the confidence in the world that my H would never cheat on me and was completely shocked on DDay. Your BF could have nipped his dysfunction in the bud with IC and become the ideal H. There's no way to know.

I would say proceed with caution if that's what you want to do. Don't move in with him, don't accept a ring, use contraception, and avoid any financial entanglements for a set period of time (two years minimum?) and see where things go.

I hate coming across to everyone as this young naive girl who is blind to everything.

What makes you think you come across this way? And why did your friends counsel you to break up with him? Was it because they think cheaters don't deserve a second chance, or is it something about his character that they don't like?

If he needs to change his personality in order to be a safe partner, you're probably better off without him. If it's more that he needs to learn appropriate boundaries and how to be in a relationship, then you might have a chance with him. Like the others said, I would proceed with great caution, and honestly, I would tell you to look for someone else. Coming back from betrayal is difficult. At least keep in mind that you can break up with him at any time. You don't owe him anything.

I would recommend that you ask yourself why is it you came to the conclusion that you "really wanted to be with him"? He never wanted to be with you. He had a year long affair, so you never had a relationship with him. Never. And forgive me, this is going to be blunt, but 6 months of whatever and no sex? I doubt that. He wasn’t keeping her around to just talk or have deep intimate conversations.

He was never faithful to you, he never had any intention of being faithful, but now he suddenly sees the error of his ways? No, very unlikely he does.

You can do so much better. See him for he really is, a cheater. Cheaters are great at looking fantastic on paper, but then you’re realize there is nothing else to them other than their own ego. The first few months of a relationship are the easiest possible point it will ever be, and again, he was cheating then. Imagine how you will feel when things actually get difficult. He was cheating on you in the very beginning of your relationship, he risked your mental and physical health.

I feel strongly that you should just go no contact with him and find someone else.

The first 6 months are generally the honeymoon months. Already cheating? Big nope for me.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're joining our club - the best club nobody wants to be in. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned at the top for newbies to read. There are also some with bull's eye icons that are really good. I would recommend the one about before you say reconcile, recover. You need some time to recover from the trauma of infidelity, and R (reconciliation) is a gift that you can decide to bestow or not, based on how he acts. The Healing Library is another excellent resource and includes the list of acronyms we use.

He should get the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Even though you aren't married, it is still applicable. It is short - just over 100 pages and is a blueprint for him to use. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another good book. One chapter that I really like is called Windows and Walls. It's a metaphor for transparency between the two of you (setting up windows) and setting boundaries between other people not in the relationship (building walls).

Watch his actions and don't listen to his words. He'll promise anything at this point, but he's already shown that he's a cheater. Cheaters lie a lot, and then lie some more. He's basically failed the boyfriend test at this point. There are so many waywards that come here that don't have it in them to do the work to change to be a safe partner. There are some who do the work, so it isn't totally impossible.

Has he given you a written timeline or dates with thoughts and feelings? Has he given you access to his electronic accounts with passwords? If he used a specific app for this, then he needs to delete the app.

Again, very sorry you're here.

My WH had some undesirable habits pre marriage that did get better but never fully went away. He didn't have an emotional affair but he did cheat and cross boundaries that I made clear were boundaries.

I married him and learned of a few things he did when we first started dating, and not too long ago learned of something else he did.

If I knew then, what I know now. I would NOT have married him or bought a house with him. I was naïve or foolish or I guess too forgiving. I definitely fall into the idea that I love people for what they could be not for what they are showing me. I saw the goodness in him and the ability for him to make better choices and that is my fault.

I would tell you to stay away from him based on my own experiences which are not that similar but if someone is willing to hurt someone in the beginning of a relationship there is a chance they will do it again. If he is serious and gets the proper IC, maybe he will grow into a better partner. There is no telling.

You are not stupid for wanting to be with him. It is hard to break bonds with people even if they hurt us. If you choose to try again with him, you are not stupid either. No one knows your daily life here and have no right to make you feel bad for your decisions. Give yourself some time and if you decided to try with him, go slowly. He has to prove a lot that he is a trusting partner and that is the hardest part of reconciling, trust.

So sorry you are here. I had a similar pre-marriage experience, also my WH lied about so many stupid little things. THAT should have been my out but they seemed so dumb at the time. Fast forward 34 years and here I am. I found out 8 months ago that he had an "almost oopsie" pre-marriage, found out about a flirty texting situation halfway into our marriage, and then 8 months ago I found out about a kissing incident 15 years ago and a recent texting affair. He seems to be an expert at stopping himself before it goes all the way but is also an expert in starting situationships.

My piece of advice is don't end up with this regret...giving 34 years to someone for them to keep repeating. Lots of good advice here...I'd take SacredSoul's at the BARE minimum with IC as a requirement but honestly, I'd cut my losses. You only get one life and this way is no way to live.

A WONDERFUL fictional book about regrets is The Midnight Library by Matt Haig (the audio version is fantastic).

If you're asking the Internet whether you're making a mistake by taking him back, it's because you know it's a mistake... you just want someone to tell you what you want to hear.

You should value the opinions of the people who know you best, love you, and have lent you their shoulders to cry on throughout this ordeal. They also know full well that in the likely event he breaks your heart again, they will be the ones you will need to turn to for support.

I say "likely" because the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. The first 6 months of courtship are for you to vet whether someone is a suitable candidate for a long-term relationship; they're not supposed to be an assessment of all the problems you will need to fix or a measure of how much bullshit you're willing to take in order to be with this man.

If you're worried about coming off as a young naive girl, well, the most naive thing you could do is think that your time is infinite and that you won't regret wasting it on a cad if he betrays you again.

So please... if you take nothing else away from this thread, Your time is precious. Money can be lost and regained. People come and go. But when you lose time, it's just gone.

Maybe this guy will go to IC and become a better person or maybe he will be who he has always been. But you have better uses of your precious time then to waste it on making this guy your project. Find a man with character who is ready and willing to be the person you need him to be right now.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:08 PM, Thursday, April 25th]

Well said, Blue.

1 year relationship in my opinion is not worth the stress and hard work needed to survive a betrayal and reconcile happily. Its both of you who would need to work hard, thats just unfair, you may heal faster if you left vs staying on this path. People should be enjoying their first year of a relationship, not cheating or surviving from infidelity. Leaving is still hard but the work to stay is harder at this point, and you probably won't ever fully trust him again, you may be too young for that.
I would leave him if I was in your position. If you think he's never ever going to do this again because he's doing all the right things and is dying from remorse, and you don't think you can find a love like him again, then maybe you can stay. Only you know yourself and him, only you can decide what's best.

You seem like a very nice person and you appear to be very level headed and wise.

You WANT to believe your BF is worth ignoring your gut reaction that is telling you to end this relationship.

Relationships are difficult when the heart and the mind are conflicted. Your head says one thing but your heart ❤️ really really wants the guy who has already broken your heart.

So my advice doesn’t mean anything. Sometimes you have to have your own experience and make your own decisions.

But let me give you some insight into your future:

His phone and texts will now cause you to be suspect or suspicious of his behavior. Rightfully so.

Any female friend will now cause you to be suspicious as well. Might be a true friend or might be something more because the other person is actually interested in him.

If he’s late - you will question him.

If he seems detached or having an off day (which is normal) - you will question if there’s someone else.

I could go on and on but I think you get my point.

Make your decision and let us know how things go. We are here to support you.

I want to say I really truly appreciate the advice everyone has given. I read and reread every single one but I haven’t had the words yet to respond until now. I’ve been to a few therapy sessions since making this post, and im feeling more sure in my decision to stay. This isn’t a choice I’m making lightly either nor do I feel like it’s driven solely by my emotions. I don’t know fully how to word the context of everything, but this A feels more like a need on his part to understand appropriate friendship boundaries as well as the boundaries of a healthy relationship. I am in no way intending to excuse him for his actions, but this isn’t an irredeemable situation for me. I made that post when I was feeling like I was drowning in decisions to make, and I was trying to find the "right" way to feel. I am young as some of you seem to have noticed, I know that if I did end things with him I would absolutely be okay. Relationships, to me, were always something that I could live without. I wasn’t really looking when we met. I honestly had every intention of living my life as the rich single weird aunt in the family! I want to include that context at least, I can be happy no matter where I end up. I don’t have to stick around while he fixes his issues, I fully know that. To me, taking it slow and listening to my gut is worth it. I know I can leave whenever, I’m not trapped in this and I have a whole life ahead of me. No matter what I am permanently changed, but I’m not defined by this. Previous partners have cheated on me in the past, and while those didn’t hurt nearly as much as this, I think at this point there will always be a bit of suspicion, even if it’s rare, whether I want it or not regardless of my partner.

I feel like I’m rambling a bit at this point. I just wanted to update everyone who took the time to offer words of support and advice. I know the ins and outs of this relationship, I can see these changes being made in real time. I have to remind myself that I don’t owe anyone anything at all, I’m just trying to follow what it is I want, with a clear mind as much as possible. Thank you all again, I’m sure I’ll be back to update one day with whatever news is relevant at the time :)

I honestly had every intention of living my life as the rich single weird aunt in the family!

Whenever you come to milestone decisions with your bf, run them past the weird aunt inside you and think about what she would recommend.

Wishing you all the best and always remain a bit independent in your thinking, actions and life choices.

Always put yourself first (in future decisions). Before kids & all that, make sure you are living the dream.