SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So last year I found out my partner of 12 years had been sleeping with someone he used to work with. The affair had been going on 4 years and he was forced into disclosure as she was pregnant, although he says he was at a low point and was going to tell me regardless.

He told her that it was over and he only wanted to be with me but would step up and be there for the baby etc.

The pregnancy didn’t come to fruition in the end and he cut all contact and blocked her etc. however due to the initial situation I kicked him out for a few months and all our friends and family know what happened so that’s a huge barrier for us to work through and quite rightly some of the family disapprove of me reconciling and others have been gracious in supporting me.

Although we are in process of reconciling and 8 months out I’m still definitely not over it, the magic I thought we had is gone but I have been reading lots of success stories of people who have worked it out.

Are we all fools to continue building a life with someone after such devastating deceit?
How can we turn a blind eye and ‘move on’ from all the lies which are now glaringly obvious?
Are people who reconciled genuinely happy and is there hope for me/him?
Is life’s purpose to find one person to go on all of the ups and downs with and this is one of those ‘downs’?

Some days I feel like we’re meant to be together and it will all be ok in the end, and other days I want to embrace freedom and live on my own. Stuck at such a crossroads on which direction to take. Don’t want to throw away 12 years. We always had a good relationship before his affair started, he claims he was in a bad place mentally but claims now he wouldn’t do anything like that again after coming so close to losing everything (he still knows he might lose me)

Also I’m 30 and desperately see children in my future so maybe having a baby to focus on and love will help us reconcile and bring back the bond we have to full strength, or if I leave I have to grieve that my chances of having a child reduce dramatically and I’ll not have the same history or bond with someone else that I’ve had with my current partner - you can’t replace 12 years of memories and knowing a person.

Any advice or other success stories (through leaving or staying), or life lessons would be greatly appreciated. Helps us to feel less alone reaching out to similarly affected people.

Are we all fools to continue building a life with someone after such devastating deceit?

It can be hard to tell the difference between stupidity and bravery, but you can't go around feeling stupid about your decisions.

How can we turn a blind eye and ‘move on’ from all the lies which are now glaringly obvious?

You don't. That's not part of the process. You don't rugsweep. You don't move on. You incorporate the affair as part of the history of your relationship and you continue with knowledge of that fact and the danger your WS presents as a proven liar and cheat. Forever. Innocence is gone and will not return. There is no time machine. There is no absolution.

Are people who reconciled genuinely happy and is there hope for me/him?

I am genuinely happy. Maybe not as happy as others around here, and maybe they will chime in. You can read positive reconciliation stories. Personally, I didn't have to recover from a four year LTA, and each betrayal is different. That's a lot. My good friend cheated on her husband for three years. I found out by way of trying to get the truth out of my wife from her A. I told my friend's husband. I can't say that he is particularly happy, but I also can't really speak for him. Impossible to know the mind of another.

Is life’s purpose to find one person to go on all of the ups and downs with and this is one of those ‘downs’?

That's not life's purpose. As for the marriage vows, your husband chose to "forsake all others" (or the equivalent if not verbatim) when he married you. Your "for better or worse" is not supposed to include an affair. I'm not going to get too religious about it, but know that an A is an exception granted by essentially all the religions. If you aren't religious, it's a bit hard to say marriage vows are sacred in the first place. It is, at this point, a broken contract.

You can decide what the new contract includes and how long it lasts. My new marriage (marriage 2.0 with fWW) is really good. It's not a promise for life though.

EDIT to avoid double posting:

Also I’m 30 and desperately see children in my future so maybe having a baby to focus on and love will help us reconcile and bring back the bond we have to full strength, or if I leave I have to grieve that my chances of having a child reduce dramatically and I’ll not have the same history or bond with someone else that I’ve had with my current partner - you can’t replace 12 years of memories and knowing a person.

I don't think having a baby fixes the problem in any way. In fact, I think you would be more likely to find a new partner, build a new relationship, and feel safe having a kid with them faster. Many cheaters cheat on their pregnant or post partum wives. It's extremely common.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:41 PM, Tuesday, April 30th]

Hi RedRobin,

Welcome to SI. I’m sorry you’re here. 4 years is an awfully long time for people this young. A pregnancy scare sounds especially devastating given your current desire for children. I’m so sorry.

Although we are in process of reconciling and 8 months out I’m still definitely not over it, the magic I thought we had is gone but I have been reading lots of success stories of people who have worked it out.

I’m one of those people – you’re free to read my story if you like. I’m sure it’s exactly the type of story you are looking to see right now. I had also been with my husband 10+ years on D-day and we had been trying (unsuccessfully) to get pregnant for 8-9 months on D-day. I was a little older than you and worried I had put off having kids too late, and part of me felt like leaving would meant that I was giving up on having biological children at all. So yes, I absolutely know how you’re feeling and the fears you might be having about leaving. I had been with my husband for essentially my entire adult life at that point. Leaving felt almost unfathomable.

I also know (from going through this myself and from reading as much as I've read here) that 30 is way WAY WAY too young to handcuff yourself to someone who is not actually remorseful and does not truly appreciate you.. You deserve so much better than settling for a sunk cost. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, your post says very little about how your partner is dealing with this all and whether he appears to be a good candidate for R and I think that is absolutely the most important factor in determining whether R is an option that you should even be considering at this point. As much as you cannot replace 12 years of memories, you also only get one shot at your 30s (and your 40s etc). If you're going to stay, stay because you love him and the person he is RIGHT NOW and you believe that he is the best possible chance you have at having exactly the kind of life you want to have.

Are we all fools to continue building a life with someone after such devastating deceit?

I think most of us are doing the best we can with the options we think we have. I don’t think there is a blanket "right" answer for any of us. My story is mine, but it wont necessarily be yours just because it happened to me. I think the success of R is so dependent on the parties in it, the foundation of friendship and love that they have for one another, and their capacity for vulnerability and change and growth. Your post says very little about how your spouse and the quality of your relationship. You say it was good until 4 years ago, which makes me wonder how it has been for the last 4 years. 4 years is a really long time for things not to be good. 4 years is a really hard pattern to break out of. Those are also some pretty important/formative years. What is he doing now? HOw has he spent the last 8 months? In my mind, that’s always the most important question.

How can we turn a blind eye and ‘move on’ from all the lies which are now glaringly obvious?

You can’t and you shouldn’t. There is absolutely no way to get past this in a healthy way by overlooking or rugsweeping or ‘turning a blind eye’ to a single part of it. The ONLY way forward together is to uncover every single little rock and deal with ALL of it, and decide if there is enough good remaining that it’s worth rebuilding. If you think that either you or your partner is not up to this task, then I think you have your answer on this.

Also I’m 30 and desperately see children in my future so maybe having a baby to focus on and love will help us reconcile and bring back the bond we have to full strength

Please do not have a bandaid baby. Again, I get it. I have also had both my kids post-d-day, so I appreciate that it may sound hypocritical. While you will never regret a child. I think if you are on the fence about being in this relationship, having a baby is not going to bring back things back to the way they were. It will change things for sure. It will make leaving more difficult and complicated (and further complicate or kneecap any future relationship you might have in the future obviously) but it wont solve this particular issue. Having kids is hard on most relationships in the best of scenarios, and as you are well aware, this is not the best of scenarios. I wont lie and say that I was 100% healed at the time that I got pregnant with my first – I most certainly wasn’t. I will say that I truly believed we were going to be one of the ones that made it though. That didn’t stop me from planning for the worst though. I spent a lot of my first pregnancy planning for what being a single parent with shared custody would look like, and I ached knowing that I would mean that I wouldn’t get to spend every night with my baby. I worried my husband would think that this meant that I wasn’t going anywhere and that he might feel like he was free to take the foot of the gas pedal of effort. Without trying to minimize the amount of work that both my spouse and I put into R (because it was a lot), I also know that in some ways we got lucky.

Thank you both for replying and sharing your insights.

I appreciate I didn’t include much about the current state of things so for some additional context on if reconciliation is possible:

he seems to be remorseful and wanting to rebuild with me and he always says it’s me he wants or no one, if we have children or not he just wants us to be together.

However in truth I have not been giving my all into this reconciliation so far (at first the intimacy and connection improved straight away but now looking back I feel like it was trauma or hysterical bonding as I don’t feel the same closeness again yet).

He sought therapy briefly as well but is no longer doing that but he did say it really helped and he’s open to going again if he feels he needs it. I am still doing therapy and will continue as I’m hoping it will help bring my clarity.

We do have a great base friendship underneath everything which makes understanding what I want very difficult as well. Sometimes I do think we’re growing in different directions with our personal journeys and think maybe time to call it quits and see who I am without him and why tolerate the disrespect shown but other times it feels great between us and I think yea ok it will work out everyone’s human and capable of doing wrong? I think I’m delusional.

Household chores and all the boring stuff people often argue about is all shared and fine, he probably makes even more effort now than before and we don’t really row even now post affair. He wants to do more things together and trips and suggests things but doesn’t seem to follow through on booking stuff in (which I think is because I’m not very committal to us so makes him feel like I don’t want to and not interested). I feel like because of my being on the fence I’m self sabotaging our chances at proper reconciliation and we our chances of having a good relationship.

Our relationship was fine to me pre affair and he says it started because of his own issues and self esteem and liked the attention, then claims he stayed in it so I wouldn’t find out as he was scared if he stopped seeing her then she would tell me…

We only started being stagnant and stopped holidays and planning things during the affair but it was in between covid so it didn’t raise as a red flag to me at the time. Nothing seemed untoward which is the most worrying thing and he’s such a nice guy you wouldn’t think he could possibly have it in him to do this.

Also we’re not married but we have been together for 12 years and living together for 8 years.

I think part of me wants to reconcile with him but I’m self conscious on all the judgement from others.

And part of me feels I might be stunting my personal growth by staying and accepting that dishonesty.

But is the grass really greener on the otherwise. Any future partner will likely also cheat given the stats so maybe I’m better off watering this grass to its fullest potential.

I appreciate the support though , I think you can never talk it about it too much. Some people I know are getting annoyed that I’m not decided yet on what to do and I think are struggling to fully comprehend what this does to you. So a place like the SI community feels like a refuge a little.

[This message edited by LittleRedRobin23 at 9:19 PM, Tuesday, April 30th]

As someone who has had two kids post reconciliation, I want to echo everything Emergent8 has written. Please read it and reread it and believe it all :)

I was in similar shoes to you OP - wanting kids and honestly probably staying married because that goal was so close I could taste it. I was late 20s on DDay and 35 now. His affair was with a coworker and over a year long. It sucked.

We put in a ton of work and many years post D-day before having our first, and there are still things I wish we had focused on before moving into this crazy stage of life (our communication could be better and I think I am too tired to do anything about it right now, ha).

I am sending you so much love and
hope things work out the way you want them to. Please feel free to message me. I don’t use this site often anymore but came back to post an update - then seeing this post of yours made that timing feel like it was meant to be.

It’s so interesting to me that so many people stay and rebuild when a lot of people I know are telling me to leave and I deserve better.

Is the discouraging of me to have kids because you guys regret it/ aren’t happy that you’ve stayed with your partners? 🙈

It’s good there’s so many positive stories I guess that gives me hope we will be ok in future, but just not sure if I can see him the same way with the magic gone ..time will tell. Think I’m in a rush to decide what to do as the biological clock is ticking

I don’t have any regrets. But I also know I could have built a different, beautiful life as well, if that makes sense. This is an annoying answer, but only you will know the right choice. I so desperately wanted to see the future back then but sadly life doesn’t work like that. It’s all in the choices you make with whatever life has given you. You have to know what you can work through and you have to have a solid belief that your partner can pull it together, if that’s the path you want to go.

I get that sense of a ticking clock but you have more time than it feels like. And making sure you’re having kids with the right person is really important.

You WILL make the right choice, and you’ll know what to do when you know what to do. Could you hate this answer any more? l

Haha no I appreciate you taking the time to share your story and respond to me in my desperate time.

I totally know it’s on me, I have to come into clarity and realisation for myself and not be asking strangers on such big life decision. It’s so momentous I don’t want the responsibility of it I think that’s why I seeking so much validation on which decision I should take.

Hopefully I will get there - we can’t keep living in limbo forever as it’s not helping either of us move forward with our lives positively so I need to either step in fully and embrace our new reality and rebuild a new with him, or step out and rebuild my own life and see what else is round the corner.

Just scared if I leave it will happen again with someone else, grass isn’t greener is it.

I’m really glad that it’s worked out for you though

No, you’re right to be here and looking for help. You simply don’t find it in real life, so these strangers are your best bet :) Asking questions, writing out your answers, thinking out every possible outcome is all apart of limbo and finding your way to an answer. It’s an important step of your healing, regardless. It’s an invaluable resource, this community, so I hope being part of it helps you on this journey.

It’s so interesting to me that so many people stay and rebuild when a lot of people I know are telling me to leave and I deserve better.

You do deserve better. So did I.

Most people show up here explaining exactly why they want to stay and waxing poetic about how their spouse is their soulmate, and they need to be determine whether that is realistic. You on the other hand, seem like you're on the fence a bit, but are considering a baby with someone because you've already invested this much time and it feels like it's too late. With age and perspective, 30 and not married seems awfully young. For what it's worth, I was told to "run" almost uniformly when I arrived here.

I'm not telling you, you should or shouldn't stay in your relationship. I am telling you that a baby isn't a band-aid. Maybe it'll fix things - but without more, I kind of doubt it. I don't have a crystal ball any more than you do. I also know next to nothing about your relationship or the work that your partner is doing to figure themselves out. But I do think figuring out what you do want is an important starting point and at your age, I wouldn't be willing to settle for anyone who you're on the fence about.

4 years might be a blip at age 60 but at age 30ish, it's a lifetime. This wasn't a moment of temporary insanity. I can't imagine he's sorted himself out in 8 months.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 12:15 AM, Wednesday, May 1st]

Hi 👋

This is a question I ask myself regularly!!!

I feel like a fool some days and that I deserve better. But at the same time I can see change in WH, I can see remorse and I can see a future.

I am about the same amount of time out from D-Day and hoped I would not have so many of these negative feelings but not the case. I have days I just want to pretend like it never happened but there are days I want to never forget so that it reminds WH of what he came so very close to losing (still might actually).

Our stories are quite different. I already have a son with my WH and he has been a big part of my other sons life. His affair lasted one month. I often ponder what I would do if I don’t have a child and if the affair was longer. I always in my head say I would leave (and tell WH he was lucky we had a child or he wouldn’t have even got a second thought from me) but in all honesty I don’t know what I would choose as every situation is different.

One really great thing about this site is with all the different pieces of advice you may get, it opens your eyes to different ways of thinking. I know this has helped me many times, to see my situation from different perspectives.

I don’t think any of us are fools, we just have to make decisions in shitty situations.

A baby puts immense stress on a relationship. You go from dealing with an adult partner to dealing with a creature that will die if you don't attend to it AND a former adult who may revert to childhood behaviors. As a new father, I got only the leftovers from my exhausted W, and those leftovers were not very satisfying - and I was exhausted, too, because I couldn't no hear our son's cries. I adjusted, but it took time, and that time wasn't very pleasant.

Your partner has cheated and thereby demonstrated that he does not cope well in a partnership. He can change - but will he?

*****

I think part of me wants to reconcile with him but I’m self conscious on all the judgement from others.

To R, you need to make a free choice, IMO. My reco is to use IC to free yourself from preconceptions and the influence of others. Use IC to choose your values and to make choices that feel best to you.

And part of me feels I might be stunting my personal growth by staying and accepting that dishonesty.

To R, you have to accept the honesty that has already been dumped on you; after all, you can't change the past.

But you have to deal honesty with the present and future for your own well-being, and your partner has to become honest and stay honest for R to work well for you.

But is the grass really greener on the otherwise. Any future partner will likely also cheat given the stats so maybe I’m better off watering this grass to its fullest potential.

The best numbers I've seen for the US say that under 30% of men report cheating in a committed relationship. So the likelihood is that a future partner is likely not to cheat.

But that doesn't matter. We don't know the true prevalence of cheating.

Right now and for the coming months - maybe stretching to years - your choices are pretty much limited to 1) stay with your WSo, and 2) leave and be alone, perhaps for a long time.

My reco is to answer for yourself questions like:

What do I have to do to make R work?

Is my WSo a good candidate for R?

Wat are my requirements for R?

What do I have to do to make splitting work well for me?

What can I do to make life alone as fulfilling as it can be (and it can be very fulfilling)?

Do I want to be a single mom?

If I do want to be a single mom, who do I want to be the sperm donor - WSo or someone else? (remember, if your WSo is the father, you can't get him out of your life, and getting him out of your life may be required for many reasons).

ETA:

....how did you know that was right choice for you?

It was only after we were well into doing the work of R that I felt confident I had made the right choice. That was about 2 years from d-day. I committed to R when I thought R would work and when I was convinced it was what I wanted.

Issues arose during R, and we resolved them together - and still wanted to stay together. That was my criterion for success.

It's hard to put into words....

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:00 PM, Thursday, May 2nd]

Being objective here. Also beyond 30 so I look at it from a different perspective. And IMO if you Lea r him you are not throwing away 12 years — you are putting yourself and your future first and deciding this is not the person for you (if you leave).

You met him at 18 or so - that is young. And I would want to know if there were others he cheated with b/c this does t sound like it’s his first affair. Or only affair.

You don’t NEED him for you to become a parent. You can be a parent on your own with an excellent support network of friends & family.

You can adopt or use a donor etc. to become a parent.

A 4 year affair is a long time to be behaving in a certain way and then suddenly stop. I don’t know if he will remain honest and monogamous. You really don’t know if he will either. He hid this for years and only told you b/c he was forced to.

It might be he never cheats again. Or he might resume his shady behavior once he believed you are off his back and he can get away with it.

I am happily reconciled and it’s been 10 years. However…..we don’t have the same relationship or marriage. I’m not the same person he married. I’m no longer dumb and trusting and believing things that just don’t add up like I used to.

I know come first. Not him. Not the marriage. It was the lesson I learned about putting everyone else ahead of me.

Hope this helps you. Put your needs first. Always.

Thank you for your additional comments, it’s really helpful to gain thoughts of people who have lived through this pain and betrayal and self doubt.

He is saying all the right things and cut contact straight away and blocked her etc. and I believe that he wouldn’t do it again, although I didn’t think he’d do it in the first place so that belief doesn’t really count for much to be honest.

Currently his behaviour toward me has pulled back in terms of affection and emotional/physical connection which he has said is because I’ve been holding back and not giving it my best shot and my all so he doesn’t feel wanted by me. This puts pressure on me that his affection is contingent on me showing him affection first.. I have said he should be the one making more effort given what he’s done and it’s his responsibility to ensure I feel safe and wanted again. We were in a good place when we began reconciling last year but that might have been my trauma bond and now I’m coming out of that I can’t step into giving affection at the moment it almost would feel forced.

It’s terribly hard and I’ll never forgive him for putting me in this situation and I feel like if I was stronger I wouldn’t have begun reconciling in the first place but something in me is making me hold on to him and I feel like I want to rebuild so maybe I need to listen to that. Although something in me is also not allowing me to be fully in again so do I listen to that part! Honestly it’s such a tidal wave of emotions and thoughts swirling around my brain.

Those who have reconciled and are happy together again, how did you know that was right choice for you? Would you have done anything differently if you could go back?

I feel like I’m doing him a disservice. We do have a good friendship/relationship and get on well. It’s just romantically we are not aligned at the moment.

There was someone here once that said their therapist asked why they didn't assume that staying with their WS was holding them back from personal growth. Why didn't they feel that was the best choice for their WS? It struck me as true. We ask the same of addicts and others we are protecting who engage in similar self-destructive behaviors. Why not think that asking a WS to face every consequence of their action is a positive action for them?

Its just a thought, but one I ask myself.

I have stayed. I don't feel a fool. Yet I don't feel it's cruel to leave at any moment, and I certainly did before the affair. It's freeing in a way.

I am happily in R. 9 years. I would have been far happier if the As had never happened. I live with that trauma. But there are tons of differences. While my fWW had several A's mostly very short and never intercourse. She happily gave out oral to a few boys a couple times. I never knew about those until I found a long term, long distance EA that was likely to become physical as she was planning a trip. That is when she tripped up.

If I was 30, without children and 25 years of marriage and 29 years together, I would have sought D. Not because I cared what anyone thought of me and my actions, but because she was showing me who she was, and I would have listened. At age 30, things would be different. Until such a time as he digs into his issues and makes changes, you should listen to who he is telling you he is. By the sounds of things, he is not really remorseful, he is certainly not contrite, he is sorry he was caught, and he screwed up and got her pregnant. Even though he is not going to be a parent.

I could go on and on. You can get out clean. You are not married, you do not have kids, I bet your finances are not so commingled that they cannot be separated. Get a clean start with someone who will treat you like you matter. The commitment you have to him, he clearly does not have for you. Even thought you have similar interests and are friends, he is still a committed single, and focused on him and his wants. Marriage is about committing to we instead of I. Cheaters are committed to I. He showed that by being involved with another woman for 4 years. This was not a mistake or a personality issue, this was on purpose.

I read one of your responses about how the grass isn't always greener and that the next person could do it to you, that is a valid fear, I jad the same fear. We're almost the same age. I was 28 on DDay, i give him over a year to study him, see if he was R material and if i could ever forgive enough to be happy. I filed for divrove 29.5, at 30 divorce was finalized (3 months before my bd). I am now divorced for a year and 3 months? My 31st is in a few days. I regret nothing. I knew I was also too young to be handcuffed to someone who destroyed me and made me suicidal and wasn't a R material at all.and I'm someone who has high standards for all my relationships, because I give people all of me, it's natural for me.

You will eventually need to decide if he is someone who is worthy of you generally, his ability to be there for you and continue working on himself for the next indefinite period, and if you are someone who can be happy enough when the innocence is gone from your relationship.

The % of most cheaters cheating on you again is around 300%, from multiple studies I came across during my undecided phase. For a lot of them, taking them back makes them feel like they can do it again and you will stay again IF you find out. Again, I said most, not all, and I personally think those who don't cheat on you again is a smaller %, if you are lucky he might be one of them.

There's probably not a wrong or right choice, only in the future (years down) may you have an inclination of if you made a wrong or right choice, but it won't matter as much anyways because you made the choice with the information and feelings you had at the time. Every human is different and every affair is different and every relationship is different. So, only you know what is the best choice for YOU(not him).

I'd definitely caution against having a band-aid kid, kids make leaving harder for majorty of people. A band aid kid in any situation is a bad idea, but even more so in a relationship that has seen hell recently, he'll caused by 1 of the 2 it takes to make relationship thrive.

I'm sorry you happened to be a survivor, and I wish you best of luck. Don't worry, when you have pondered and pondered, eventually you will know your choice.

[This message edited by Brokenbetrayed123 at 12:21 AM, Thursday, May 2nd]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

Some thoughts, based on my experience. Sorry that it's verbose.

* I'm a stats/science nerd and have read more studies on infidelity than is good for me. The most common estimate is that ~30% of men cheat over their lifetime. So no, you are not condemned to be cheated on with a new person.

* It's not the case that once a cheater always a cheater. But people that have cheated before cheat at a higher rate than those that have not cheated before.

* But keep in mind that stats can't predict any given case.

* It doesn't sound like you are in a position to make this decision right now. Deciding to "not decide" for N months (often 3-12) is a common approach.

* During that time, you'll both benefit from therapy (IC & MC) to gain clarity on what you want.

* He should be working on the how/why in IC. No R unless he understands and can address (over time) the root causes.

* I'd also suggest checking out Hope for Healing, Harboring Hope and EMS Online (or EMS weekend) from affairrecovery dot com. They helped my wife and I a great deal.

* Get a polygraph to ensure you have the full truth. He may have had other affairs.

* You can tell him your conditions for even considering reconciliation. I'd consider the suggestions above but you should probably have others too (e.g. access to accounts). He needs to bust his ass to have a shot with you. The fact that you are considering forgiveness in the face of this destruction says a lot about your character: you'll have options if you decide you want to leave.

* A baby will only complicate things. You'll be having the baby for all the wrong reasons and may trap yourself. But you want flexibility now.

* You have to do your best to figure out if he can repair or develop character enough that this becomes something that he can never imagine doing again. And he has to have solid boundaries. You can't say I'll never do it again but then go around flirting.

* Your recovery has to proceed in parallel and be independent of his and independent of whether you stay together.

* To hell with other people's opinions. Are they going to carry the weight of the results of your decision? Family and close friends for example love you and will often have a "dump his ass" bias. That's because they are protecting you on some level. But it's not helpful because the decision is very complex and they look at it through only one lens. My family was the least helpful to me because of their inability to be detached.

* It *is* foolish to blindly stay without condition. It's not foolish to take your time, lay out your conditions for even *considering* R and then watch the efforts he is willing to undertake. Do this and focus on healing yourself and I suspect your inner wisdom will make clear what to do soon enough.

[This message edited by razorfish at 12:43 AM, Thursday, May 2nd]

I am overwhelmed but the speed of responses on this posts. I’m annoyed I didn’t find SI before now! Thank you for your comments.

I think one thing that sticks out from what a couple of people have said is being too young to be handcuffed to someone who has shown me what they’re capable of and that our relationship was not valued enough. It’s not hard to not cheat on someone. I feel like I’m being passive to all this by even giving us the option to reconcile. I tried to say to him the other day that I’m not sure what I want or if this can still work with my head in such a scramble and so much damage done I don’t see us the same way. But then a day or so after that he’s looking at holidays for us to go on and it feels like he’s not recognising or hearing what I’m saying.

Also mentioned to him lack of connection and intimacy and he said he doesn’t feel wanted by me so that’s why he’s holding back.

(Is this normal to not want to give emotional or physical intimacy to your cheating partner and for them to also not try and make you feel safe/wanted?) it’s like he’s acting from his ego, his ego is bruised because I’m not showing him love or affection so he doesn’t feel he can show me with affection. He does clean the house and occasionally buy me flowers.

I’m house sitting at my mums in a couple of weeks so I will leave him at home and hopefully a few days space will be helpful to start clearing the fog!

There’s a big part of that wants to stay but I think maybe I’m holding onto what we were or what I had built us up to be in my head and i have to come to terms that that isn’t our reality anymore.

To add to my confusion, I went to see a tarot card reader who told me we would work it out but then another a few months later was like you know what you need to do, he’s holding you back.
I feel like I’m being disloyal to him now by thinking these things and wondering if we are better apart. Really hope clarity and peace of mind comes my way soon as I can’t keep living in this functional freeze state.