SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had written about how I found my wife emotionally cheating with a junior colleague by sending/receiving not decent ( not sexual ) chats in WhatsApp and insta .

She initially tried to Gaslight that it's was just friendly legpulling but I kept pushing until she accepted it .she asked sorry .

Her sister intervened and we agreed to go on a clean slate but then I started getting aftershocks on what happened and asked questions but she didn't answer properly because she was pissed why I'm still on it .

But everytime I took she kept telling that " i didn't have sex with him. He was just praising me and I accepted it which was my fault but I did not do anything"

I got so pissed that I shouted " don't say you didn't have sex because you went to a resort as a group and he was one of them . I need proof you didn't"

Context: Around 8 months ago , she asked if she can go to a colleague wedding in another city and I agreed. But apparently she wasn't happy with the way I nodded.

I called the day she reached and she said she is in a resort. I got pissed, she has gone with 3 male and one female colleague to resort a day before marriage and did rafting , sailing rain dance etc. One of them is the guy with whom she talked in a romantic way.

When she came back and I asked her why she didn't tell, she said i never asked about it so she never told and her mom and sisters know about it .

This caused a huge fight over permission but I never suspected her of cheating at that time but rather not asking me before she went .

She offered to talk to that female colleague but I refused claiming she will hide for you.

It ended with another big fight and i says i wanna divorce. She begged telling that she never cheated physically and even emotional she always stopped whenever he went out of line .

She has quit the company, blocked him from all contacts, promised she will change.

We had another intervention with mine and their sisters and they were all telling that I should stop beating the dead horse because she has asked for forgiveness. Of course noone is understanding my internal feelings which are torn after her cheating.

I told them that I'll give a chance of counseling but she is just one strike away from divorce.

Even after that she once again came and said that she never did anything physical and how my accusations are making her feel very hurt.

So should I just accept the fact that they didn't and move on as part of reconciliation. If I ask again, it will once again lead to argument because she is so confident that she didn't do it .

Also in any of the chats I can't find any evidence of them talking about it . Their chats showed mere acquaintance before trip, after trip their chats became more friendly, then a month later, he started praising her beauty. There were other people too while i admit they might lie, they could not take any stupid action and expose themselves.

Those who cheated or got cheated, should I just forgive , accept and move on ? Because I really want to give one shot at this marriage.

Are you confident you saw the entire chat history?

If you did see it all and you found no evidence of sexual banter that is a good sign the relationship did not develop that far. Good sign number 2 is that the chats you saw did escalate after the trip but they escalated in a fashion where the other guy seemed to just be starting to flirt with your wife. If they had sex there is a high chance something would have been mentioned afterward such as "I loved our time together" or "when can we be together again?"

What type of responses did your wife give this guy? Was she complimenting him? Was she initiating the private chats? Or was it all him?

Well that guy was flirting with a lot of women so she was a low tier one he was hoping to nail.

Please check my previous posts. My wife would give responses like " i like your praises, please try a little harder , you are so close"

See this chat,she flirted a lot and then says we are friends

9/25/23, 11:12 PM - MC: Yes really this night really very good day and sweet dreams
9/25/23, 11:13 PM - Wife: Is it ? What special happened today ?
9/25/23, 11:13 PM - MC: Bcoz I saw one angel, I think she directly came from Indra lokha 😍
9/25/23, 11:15 PM - MC: Every time she looking aged.. but today those words are all false
9/25/23, 11:15 PM - Wife: Ohhhh... don't dream about that girl Okay
9/25/23, 11:16 PM - MC: Y is not good ?
9/25/23, 11:16 PM - Wife: Hmmmm good question. I guess you can.
9/25/23, 11:17 PM - MC: So I can dream right?
9/25/23, 11:17 PM - Wife: Yeahhh y not... dreaming is your choice na. No one can steal it and no one can question it
9/25/23, 11:18 PM - Wife: She looked aged everytime is it 😳
9/25/23, 11:19 PM - MC: Okay thanks 😍... but here you have the right to ask question
9/25/23, 11:19 PM - Wife: Out of all dresses, Which outfit looked good tell me now.
9/25/23, 11:19 PM - Wife: I will not question you

😁10/19/23, 9:42 PM - MC: U r the important to me naa 😍
10/19/23, 9:42 PM - Wife: For me nothing special
10/19/23, 9:42 PM - Wife: Hahahaha.. am I?
10/19/23, 9:42 PM - MC: Okay will see tomorrow
10/19/23, 9:42 PM - MC: Haa u only
10/19/23, 9:43 PM - Wife: Don't fall for me MC 😉😁
10/19/23, 9:43 PM - MC: Y u will fall for me naaa😅
10/19/23, 9:44 PM - Wife: Hahahaha
10/19/23, 9:44 PM - Wife: We are good as friends only 😊
10/19/23, 9:45 PM - MC: Hey hey I'm chatting casually Wife
10/19/23, 9:45 PM - MC: Don't mind
10/19/23, 9:45 PM - MC: We r frnds
10/19/23, 9:46 PM - MC: Don't overthinking yaaa
10/19/23, 9:46 PM - Wife: I know
10/19/23, 9:46 PM - Wife: No over thinking ok11/23/23, 4:14 PM - MC: Don't angry and don't think wrong abt me 😊
11/23/23, 4:14 PM - MC: I feel some good(romantic) vibes when u r with me I mean close to with me <This message was edited>
11/23/23, 4:14 PM - MC: Touching 😊😊
11/23/23, 4:17 PM - Wife: Hahaha.. yeah I feel good to have a friend like you MC..
11/23/23, 4:17 PM - Wife: 😊

Had that guy been a woman guy he might have gone more but it was less.

He did try to isolate my wife by inviting to a motorbike ride and to a private party . In both cases, my wife didn't explicitly decline but says let's see

10/27/23, 9:57 AM - Wife: In mid night and all... interesting
10/27/23, 9:58 AM - Wife: I'm feeling something more
10/27/23, 9:58 AM - MC: Wt u feeling more?
10/27/23, 9:58 AM - MC: Tell me
10/27/23, 9:58 AM - MC: So we can also go one day. Come to Priya home . I'll also come
10/27/23, 10:00 AM - Wife: I don't have that much luxury to roam around in midnight 😞
10/27/23, 10:00 AM - Wife: Yeahh may be she likes you
10/27/23, 10:01 AM - MC: Yes As a frnd
10/27/23, 10:01 AM - MC: No we can plan
10/27/23, 10:01 AM - MC: We can meet Priyas home.. one day
10/27/23, 10:03 AM - Wife: Hmmm okay nice
10/27/23, 10:03 AM - Wife: Will see .Calling for a private party with alcohol

2/21/24, 10:33 PM - Wife: Yup. Women friends are best
2/21/24, 10:33 PM - Wife: Yeah
2/21/24, 10:34 PM - MC: Yes
2/21/24, 10:34 PM - MC: We also go for party
2/21/24, 10:34 PM - MC: We 3
2/21/24, 10:34 PM - MC: If u and my sis fine
2/21/24, 10:34 PM - Wife: Yup will do
2/21/24, 10:34 PM - MC: Drink dance 🎵
2/21/24, 10:34 PM - Wife: Dance is must 😒😂😂
2/21/24, 10:35 PM - Wife: We danced today too
2/21/24, 10:35 PM - MC: But place we have to find
2/21/24, 10:35 PM - MC: Secret place
2/21/24, 10:35 PM - MC: No one will disturb
2/21/24, 10:35 PM - MC: Ohhh nice yar

Here sis is another older married colleague he calls as sis who is Priya in previous conversation.

So they were literally playing a game where she thought she was confident but he was so close to nailing her

Shivsuroor, I'm no where near experienced or close to an expert, but having been cheated on multiple times by multiple spouses, I think your safest bet is to engage her in counseling to figure out why she was open to the attention at all - why wasn't she protecting your marriage from outsiders? If you hadn't caught it now, would it have developed into something more - even if it was a deeper EA? Please don't sweep this under the rug. It could happen again if she's open to this kind of thing.

There is no "just forgive and forget" with infidelity. It doesn’t work that way. You can try sure, but if you do that we call that rug sweeping and it will likely destroy you down the line. It doesn’t matter (as far as pain/recovery) goes if it was full on PA or the start of EA. Cheating is cheating.

Did she have sex? I can’t say. What I can say is, trust your instincts. In most cases if there are feelings and what is called an EA, if the opportunity arises, then likely yes. Not always, just usually. Her saying things like "it hurts
My feelings that you keep suspecting me of sleeping with him" is disturbing. That sounds more like she’s sorry she was caught, not
that she stepped out.

Also, her family is almost always going to side with her, that’s just the way it goes. Cut them out when it comes to this. You are married to her, they aren’t. Only you can decide what is best for you and your marriage.

Sounds to me like there was no sex. However, your wife put herself on the slippery slope for sure. She mentions boundaries at one point, which is good, but then she allows him to keep flirting. She needs to learn how to immediately send a signal that she is not open to flirting of any kind.

I think you caught this early and if you love her you should be able to reconcile. She should read "Not Just Friends" and potentially talk to a counselor about why she didn't shut down this behavior right away so she understands herself and can avoid this in the future. She should also be open with all her electronic devices in the future.

She is trying to rugsweep.

"I didn't have sex with him" is half proof she thinks it's not cheating yet and half complaining she got caught sparking up an affair and did't get to have sex with him.

Exactly as you all said, her statement of " i didn't have sex with him" is more of " why are you acting like this , it's nothing bad i did" .

I got pissed because she brought this up in 3 different arguments post the d day we had ...

That's why I said she went to that resort with this guy as one in the group. How can she prove that she didn't have?

Of course, I said ,your friend will only shield or maximum tell that they never observed 2 people slipping from the group late night..

It worked and she stopped using that again

[This message edited by Shivsuroor at 6:04 PM, Friday, May 17th]