SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm looking for advice on how to handle a situation. For background, my now XWH told me about a year+ long affair in January of last year and I told him to leave the house, which he clearly had been planning on. The separation agreement gave me the house (without buying him out) and required he pay alimony for 7 years. We divorced last month after the required year of separation. He has been living with AP, who was once a friend. At the time of the affair we had been together 17 years and married 15.

About 2 weeks ago I came home and noticed I rug I had not ordered was delivered to my home. Upon examination, I realized it had been ordered by my ex, but delivered to my house. This sent me into a bit of a tailspin of anxiety, not feeling safe, and feeling insecure in my current relationship. The next day, I received an email from XWH apologizing and saying he had inadvertently left his old address (my address) on the form when ordering, as it was from a place he had ordered before. He asked if he could pick up the rug. I did not respond to the email. Today, I receive another email from him saying 'he doesn't want to be a pest, but he's leaving town on Monday and would like to pick up the rug this weekend.'

I think I've finally figured out what drove me so nuts about the rug and his emails...the MF'er is asking me for a flippin' FAVOR. If I were him, I would have just considered the rug gone, sent an email apologizing and saying the item could be used or donated by the recipient, and reordered the rug from the site. Instead, he had the nerve to ask me, whose life he destroyed, for a favor. You'd ask return of an item from a friend or even a stranger who you'd never wronged, but not of your now ex-wife who you cheated on and left.

I think I'm galled by the entitlement of it all. He seemingly thinks bc I've been reasonable for my own benefit (NC, gray rock) in the few communications we've had that it means he gets to ask favors of me. I'm especially upset that he had the nerve to follow up 2 weeks later when I clearly do not want to speak to him, demonstrated through my lack of response. I suspect some of his bad behavior comes from my not responding angrily to him and some comes from the fact that he's had zero consequences for what he did. Nothing. He lives with the AP, she's younger and prettier, he didn't even lose his job after having an affair at work.

My BF thinks I should let him get the rug but not burn the bridge in case I need something from the XWH in the future. He might be right. While I can't imagine anything I'd need from him there is that possibility.

On the other hand, my instinct is to tell him he can get the rug when he gets his remaining things from the attic (I'd already agreed to this), but tell him he has absolutely no right to ask my for favors, that I have diagnosed PTSD from his betrayal, he destroyed my life, and I will return his item bc he is the monster, not me, but that he should not construe my attempt to keep my dignity by remaining cool and reasonable as evidence that I am OK, what he did was OK, or that he has any right to speak to me about anything, more or less ask a favor. Then close with an order to never contact me again.

I've also considered responding "F@%k. You." and nothing else.

What do you all think I should do?

I would suggest that you allow him to come get it, but tell him that it can't happen again. Place it outside about an hour before he is to arrive and have no further interaction with him, not even a response if he contacts you with a thank you.

BallofAnxiety - (Your user name feels apt right now, btw)

I get it. You would have acted differently. You would have a done a lot of things differently. He hurt you bad and it feels like he faced no consequences and now he has the gall to ask something of you. It feels outrageous because it is.

This though, this wasn't intentional. It was a careless mistake and it isn't worth waging war over. Don't let it get built up into something bigger than it needs to be. You don't want the rug in your house. You don't want to have to deal with disposing of the rug. You don't want to have continued communications with your ex (there will be more if you do not respond). You do not want the AP to get involved. You don't want the police to be involved ( I don't know where you are or the laws of your jurisdiction and I don't want to get into the legalities of it all but if it were a neighbour and the package had been delivered incorrectly to your place and you refused to return it to the neighbour, it could be considered theft). By not answering him, you're letting this turn into something bigger than it needs to be.

Send him a quick email back advising that you will leave the rug outside and he can pick it up between X and Y times when you are not home and you would appreciate it if he was more careful when making any future online orders as you are not inclined to be doing him any more favours. No need for any face to face.

And when you're out, buy yourself a bottle of wine, or go see a friend for a much needed vent session, or get a pedicure or something nice for yourself and don't let him take any more of your precious peace than he already has.

I believe that I retain more power by not letting my enemies see me sweat. Don't let him know that he got to you.

I agree that you should tell him when he can come get it, and schedule it for a time when you won't be there. I might also tell him that he can get his crap from the attic at the same time so that I could be done with him permanently. Are you able to get it out of the attic yourself?

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 11:00 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

Give him the rug.

It really pulls the room together.

My first thought is OK you have a rug - now all you need is a shovel and some duct tape.

OK Chaos - behave...

IMHO - reply as others have suggested saying you'll leave it outside between X:00 and Y:00 and to please be more careful in the future.

Make sure you are not at home during those times, and your home is locked up tight. Also, as other's have suggested, use that time for some much needed self care.

IF you want - and you are ready - tell him he he needs to have his shit from the attic by a certain reasonable date. Make sure you are not alone when he comes to get it.

Maybe tell him he can hire someone (moving company, service, ....) to come and pick it up. Give him some very specific dates and times when the service can be there. That way he gets the rug, he does not have to be there and he might think before letting it happen again.

Let him pick up the rug, it will go nice with the house of cards he has built. When the house collapses all that will be left is the rug.

My first thought is OK you have a rug - now all you need is a shovel and some duct tape.

Now I have a keyboard and screen to clean up

Can you leave it and all the rest of his shit outside at a set time and let him know that it will be there? I’d use this opportunity to get rid of all trace of him without having to set another time. You can think of it as doing something for yourself instead of doing something for him.

And yes, everything locked up tight. Shades drawn so he can’t snoop. And plan to be out doing something good for yourself and toasting getting him out of your life.

Reply with:

I will give you the rug if:

* Have your shit out of my attic by XX date

* If your shit isn't out of the attic by XX date, it will be donated and the rug will be returned to the vendor

Also consider infesting the rug with Bed Bugs and returning with a smile!

Can you schedule the pick-up the day before your trash? That way if he fails to pick up his item(s), the trash can haul them away for you. I'd let him know the city has a deadline for pick-up. Either way the trash takes itself out!

Agree with PPs. It’s not worth your time or effort dragging this out. Put it outside (with the rest of his stuff from the attic if you can get it out in time) and tell him to collect between X and Y time. No need to say anything else. You’ll annoy him more by being aloof anyway. Then be out during that time.

If that can’t work I guess you could return it to the shop, but that might be more hassle than it’s worth unless the shop is very near / rug is very light / you can be bothered to explain the circumstances (you could just say previous occupant of the house I guess?)

At least he didn’t suggest that you drive it over to him! That really would have been pushing it!!

Or…you could say he can collect the rug when you’ve got the attic stuff ready? Then it’s a one time thing him coming to your house. He just might have to wait a bit while you sort the attic so you do need to tell him (in a short, matter of fact message).

[This message edited by Perdita1 at 1:30 PM, Friday, May 24th]

Give him the rug. No snide comments, no reference to favors, etc.

THEN if it happens again, you just 'return to sender' any item that shows up to your house for him. That is actually what I would have done with the rug even before he contacted you.

You will then see how quickly he no longer makes that address mistake.

As for the attic stuff, what is the timeline he has to get those items?

Put the rug and all the attic stuff out on the lawn and tell him he has 24 hours to pick it up before you call 1-800-GOT-JUNK.

My first thought is OK you have a rug - now all you need is a shovel and some duct tape.

Thank you all so much for your responses! I knew you would all talk me off the ledge. You are all right, I need to maintain the dignity and distance I've cultivated over the last 16 months. It just sucks. I'm sick of having to be both the wronged party AND the reasonable one. I want to unload on him so he finally hears exactly what I think of him. I don't think he'd care, but I did know him for 17 years, I know where the soft spots are. Has anyone done that, unloaded on the cheater and said all the worst things you can think of, the ones you know will cut the deepest? If you did, how did you feel after?

I don't know why, but the injustice of it all has become one of the hardest things for me to swallow. Did anyone else feel this way? He cheated, destroyed my life, and gets to have the long-term, live-in relationship I want while I did nothing wrong and have PTSD and panic attacks. For some reason, that really gets to me. If he were suffering, even a bit, I might not feel so bad. Maybe not, but it sure does sound comforting now. Why is the injustice so hard to accept?

So, I plan to respond and tell him he can get the rug when I allow him to get his stuff out of the attic, which will likely be at the end of June at the earliest, as I'm having work done on the house.

My first thought is OK you have a rug - now all you need is a shovel and some duct tape.

Thanks, I needed that laugh!

I'd venture to say that most betrayeds have unleashed their anger on to their wayward spouses. There is nothing wrong with facing your abuser and telling them exactly how you feel. Expressing anger is healthy (excluding violence of course).

Holding it all in and taking it on the chin might sound like the high road but it's not to me. You are a person who deserves to be seen and heard. It probably won't make one bit of difference to him but you might get some much needed relief when you get the poison out of your body.

My W certainly knows how I felt and what I thought, but we were in R and in each other's presence. If we had D'ed, I think I would have kept my own counsel - knowledge is power, so I think I'd want to minimize letting her have info. JMO.

You want to keep his stuff around another 5 weeks? IMO, it's a burden, and the sooner you get rid of it, the better for you. Again, JMO.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:15 PM, Saturday, May 25th]