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Here is my story. I’m a H(39) have a W(35) and a son(10). We’re married for 10 years and together for 13 years total. D-Day was on April 19, 2024. My W is taking some classes in a college and this year she started taking pretty hard classes and I noticed changes in her behavior, but I always thought that was because she was stressed out in college and I was trying to be helpful and supportive.

In January 2024 we had a hard conversation about here feeling and that she’s very tired because I don’t change and that she doesn’t feel emotional connection and stuff like that and that she’s tired trying and thinking of getting divorced. I took it pretty seriously and slowly started making some changes in my lifestyle, started looking for a therapist, helping more at home, spending whole weekends with our son and giving her more time for studying. During this time I’ve noticed that she’s getting more and more distanced not just from me, but from family too. On D-Day I came home from work early and decided to look at her notebook (she’s constantly taking notes about everything) because I felt like something is really going on. I’ve never done before because all our marriage I unconditionally trusted her. From her notes I’ve learned that she felt in love with here teacher. That same day we went for a walk because she wanted to talk about something, but after 10 minutes walk she still hasn’t started the conversation about here affair and I asked her a straight question. She told me that it was EA only and in the beginning of April she stopped all contacts with him. Since then we had a lot of hard conversations and a couple of weeks ago she told me that she needs space and time. I agreed and we rented Airbnb for her for almost 3 weeks. She left a week ago. We told to our son that she is on a vacation taking a break from college. I’m generally fine, reading books, doing more sport, started eating healthier and making some other adjustments into my lifestyle. But some days are pretty bad. I’ve recently learned about 180 and I’m going to try it and I already intuitively started it after all my being best H attempts in the last month failed.

The car she’s driving has location tracking and I can see it in an app. Yesterday I decided to have a look and noticed that she’s in a campus where OP is doing tutoring, but she told me that she stopped going there. After that the car headed to the place where OP leaves and I kept an eye on the car location and the trip looked to me like she just gave him a ride, dropped him there and then headed to a grocery store. This trip looked to me like she just wanted to tell something to him or to see him and if the wanted to stay at his place there were no barriers. Day before that when she had a call with our son and she told something that made him understand that she’s still having classes in college and is not currently traveling. He dropped the call and told me that he thinks that she’s a liar and he does not understand why she’s somewhere in the area, but not at home with us. Today she recorded a voice message for him, but he denied to listed what she is saying. He’ll have a performance at school today where she planned to come, but he told me that he doesn’t want to see her if she goes to the performance and doesn’t go home after that with us. I sent here a text with his thoughts listed there and I’m not sure if she is still going to the performance. At this point I’m mostly concerned about our son and that she’s loosing her connection with him too. I still love her and want to save our marriage even though in my eyes she looks like entirely different person recently and is just a ghost of herself before.

Thanks for ready my store. Wanted to keep it short and those are just main points. I appreciate any advice on my next steps and behavior. Especially when I see her next time either today or when she's back home. I’m happy to answer any questions.

I don’t want to alarm you, but her dropping him off could have just been him getting his stuff and going along with her to the store and the Airbnb.

I think she has given you a cover story so that she can have some time to conduct her affair. I also think it’s a good way for her to show him she is "separated".

I HOPE that I am wrong. I am not actually prone to be an accuser here, but I just want for you to be able to trust yet verify. I have been a ws, the affair stuff is often like an addiction and if you know someone with an addiction they will steal from their own grandma to keep their drugs. The drugs in an affair are like a gambling or shopping addiction, it’s an addiction to your own brain chemicals.

As for the son, I know this is ripping your heart out for him and for her. But her responsibility is their relationship, and you can’t substitute that. She will have to work through the amends with your son. Truth is this is the biggest indicator to me that she has some sort of escapism at the very least going on, and at worst a full blown addiction. Loving mothers do not typically put their kids aside in normal circumstances, this spells out to me that things maybe worse than you think.

I am not trying to pile onto your heartbreak here, but the more you know to be suspicious of the more you can get in touch with what is happening to you. If I am wrong, that’s wonderful but you have every reason to have these suspicions and more.

Welcome to SI May. I tend to agree with everything hikingout said. It's also not uncommon for cheaters to claim their A is just an emotional one when in fact it is physical. Just be prepared that you might find out things are more involved than you know about at this point.

I also think it is not a good sign that she willingly moved out and left your young son.

Keep working on yourself!!

hikingout, thank you for your message. It's very unlikely that he was getting his stuff because she is renting a room in a house and only one registered guest is allowed. After a short stop by his place she was idling in the cart just a few blocks from there for at least 10 minutes before going to the store. Also, this morning she headed straight to another campus and didn't go anywhere else. I also pretty much believe that she hasn't seen him for a while before yesterday.

I believe escapism or addiction at some level clearly present there, but at the same time yesterday she told me that she is going to come home today to cook some food for our son and to remove some frozen foods from the freezer.

Yesterday she was also "accidentally" called me two times in a messenger where we were chatting for years before we switched to another one and when I asked if she wanted to talk she told me those were accidental calls because she was reading out old chats.

zebra25, thank you for your message. I'm prepared to learn more, but at this point I don't have any evidence that it was more than EA. I saw in her notes she put a date when (from her words) kissed his cheek. And that date was too close to the day when (from her words) she went no contact. I'm not saying I believe all her words, but I just don't have any evidence at this point.

I understand. As I said, I am not known here to be throwing around accusations. It isn’t my style, I was a ws, and some of the going no contact and then reengaing contact are the exact highs and lows that create the addiction to the affair. Once that is in place, the ws (especially a female one) will romanticize it as “there was just something that kept drawing me back.” Because to do what she is doing she has to justify her behaviors.

The broken NC is a big, big deal. I would definitely make it clear that NC is required if you are going to engage with her on working on your relationship. The addiction has to starve and also by not committing to anything allows her to stay on the fringe of what she knows is morally and ethically right.

The rereading of your old chats spells she is torn.

None of these signs are good, I would keep a watchful eye.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:19 PM, Wednesday, May 29th]

hikingout, I'll keep an eye on the situation for sure. The NC was her initiative even before D-Day. I'll bring it back for sure when/if she decides to work on our marriage. For now it feels like she is still in a fog.

Does your wife know that you're able to track her car?

May 28-

You will obviously proceed as you wish. We are strangers on the internet and you know your situation better than any of us.

I just will say that "being in a fog" comes from the brainwashing she has done to herself. People aren’t in a fog unless they have been in a state of cognitive dissonance and have pushed through that with justifications and false comparisons.

Don’t do the "pick me" dance with her by going along with all of it. I can understand giving someone space in a marriage but your gut is telling you something that you should not ignore. If she committed to NC on her own and broke it on her own, it’s because she is very confused. Continued contact will create the highs and lows as I mentioned those are the ways the addiction gets fed.

If she was gambling and said "I am stopping" and then you saw her car at the casino, you would intervene. Your wife needs to get into counseling asap, and make a bigger commitment to no contact, otherwise I would issue an ultimatum. This is not the time to be passive because I promise you if she thinks she can get away with it she is going to get herself more entangled than she already is.

I will stop now, I am sure I sound like a conspiracy theorist but I have studied infidelity enough to probably have my phd by now and I can tell you there is a specific pattern of behavior that these things fall into. It’s so predictable it’s not even funny. Read an article online called "Romantic Infidelity" by Dr. Frank Pittman. When I read it as a new ws I realized that I was basically a lab rat responding to specific stimuli because he nailed every single thing happening.

It’s likely it’s not even him that she wants. It’s more likely that she wants the escape and/or to meet a different version of herself. But what she is doing can lead to a lot of trauma for both of you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:35 PM, Wednesday, May 29th]

Stop lying to your son to protect her. He's already has one parent betraying him. It's going to crush him to find out you are lying to him also. He needs to feel at least one parent has his back.

Waywards even when they confess, can't resist minimizing what they've done. It's safe to assume she's done more than she's owned up to at this point. They will try their best to only admit what they know you already know. You already know she has been lying to you even if only by omission. You only have her word that they are NC and that it is only an "EA". What you've seen from the car data is that she is actually not NC. Another truism is a strong EA and opportunity almost always transitions to a physical affair. You state that in January she told you she doesn't feel an emotional connection. From what you now know, you can safely assume that her "EA" was already ongoing at that point. She didn't feel that emotional connection with you because she was busy investing her energy in a new emotional connection to her professor. That also shows with her disconnection from you and your son in the months following. She was no longer feeling married with kids, but as a free and single GF to her Prof.

Her needing space is another very bad sign. Space from both you and her son. That's a sign she's considering her options as a single person rather than doubling down on your marriage. If you were my brother or friend, I would suggest seeking legal advice and having her served for divorce. Because that is where this is headed right now. You are giving her way too much benefit of the doubt.

[This message edited by grubs at 9:34 PM, Wednesday, May 29th]

welcome to SI and sorry that you've had to find us. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that we encourage new members to read. There are also some with bull's eye icons that are really good. Another great reference is the Healing Library, which also contains the list of acronyms we use. I recommend reading the posts about recovering before reconciliation.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful for you and your son. Your WW (wayward wife) needs IC to dig into her whys.

You may also wish to see a lawyer or several to see where you would stand if your journey leads to D (divorce). Knowledge is power and knowing what it may look like can help you feel more settled.

If you're having problems with depression or sleeping, see your doctor for some meds to help. You may not need to be on them long-term, but they can help you now.

R (reconciliation) is hard work, and each of you will need to be 100% in it for R to work. With her being checked out, I'm not sure how much work she's willing to do. It's possible that she will decide that she wants to work on the M (marriage). If she does, then I recommend she read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice starting point of what she can do to help you heal. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

hard conversation about here feeling and that she’s very tired because I don’t change and that she doesn’t feel emotional connection and stuff like that and that she’s tired trying and thinking of getting divorced. I took it pretty seriously and slowly started making some changes in my lifestyle, started looking for a therapist, helping more at home, spending whole weekends with our son and giving her more time for studying

You thought she was looking for you to change, but she was most likely just justifying her departure. Your attempt to appease her prolonged the inevitable collision.

I agree that something is off here. And from his reactions, it seems that your son thinks so too.

Just a guess, but it seems like he has an idea of what’s been going on. Does he know about the conflict between you over the AP? If not, is it possible that he has noticed or seen something that made him think she is involved with someone else? His reaction doesn’t seem like a reaction "just" to her taking some time to herself. He may need your support to deal with this (note: to deal with how he feels about whatever he knows or thinks is happening NOT with smoothing things over where his mom is concerned—that’s up to her). Don’t tell him his thoughts and feelings are wrong about her. Just listen, ask questions, offer support.

You are not getting truthful or trustworthy behavior from her right now. You are getting good advise here. Gently, it sounds a little like you’d like to close your eyes and pretend that what you’d like to believe is the truth. Many of us have tried this. It makes things much, much worse.

Cheaters lie. That is just a universal truth among cheaters. It’s horrible and destructive, but the sooner that you realize and start watching and verifying rather than just taking what she says at face value, the better. The truth right now is that she saw the AP when she said that it was over and that she wasn’t seeing him anymore. This you know. She hasn’t even needed to lie to you about it yet, and you’ve already created the excuse/explanation/lie for her: she just dropped him off. She just wanted to see him or tell him something. This is you trying to lalalala, I don’t see this, to yourself.

Your son thinks she’s a liar. Well, he’s not wrong, and it’s a very hard thing for a kid to know about his mom. Don’t add to it by making excuses and making up stories for her. Then, he won’t have anyone to trust and confide in.

Friend, this is new, and you’re struggling the way we all have struggled through this. You don’t have to make up a wild affair in your head. Just don’t hide your head in the sand and pretend you don’t see what you see. If you can’t do anything else right now, watch and listen and support your son. He is where your attention needs to be right now. He’s in turmoil over this. Your WS can’t be controlled either through kind gestures or understanding or demands right now. She is doing what she wants.

BluerThanBlue, she doesn't know and I learned that too just recently.

What does 'save your family' mean? If it means get your W back into your M ... well, you have to risk your M to save it. You have to accept that the best way to save yourself and your son may be to split.

If either you or your W have to stifle yourself to stay together, you may do more damage to your son than if you split.

This is traumatic to you and your son and probably to your W, too. It may be that having even one parent half the time is better for your son than living in an 'intact' family with one or 2 unhappy parents.

Figure out what you want from your W Find out if she'll give it. Figure out your requirements for R. Find out if she'll meet them. If she won't, you'll be doing all 3 of you a favor by ending your M.

No Contact (NC) is one of the most basic requirements for R. If your W keeps seeing om, it will be almost impossible for her not to keep cheating. Your W hasn't maintained NC. That's a giant red flag.

IOW, the best advice you can take right now may be: Give up trying to control the outcome. R can be great. So can D. Both have their challenges.

hikingout, self brainwashing is clearly a thing in this case with following justification of her decisions and behavior. She told me that she is trying to find herself, and not choosing between me and him. That's exactly what you've mentioned. The pick me dance happened in the first few weeks, but that's clearly something that doesn't work.

Of course, I'll be making my own decision. What I'm looking for is opinions from those who had to deal with this kind of stuff. Thank you for the suggestion on the article too.

[This message edited by May28 at 4:33 PM, Thursday, May 30th]

grubs,

Stop lying to your son to protect her.

I talked to my therapist about it yesterday and from his words if protecting him, not her. Because we haven't decided anything yet it's better not to tell him unless it's a final decision.

You only have her word that they are NC and that it is only an "EA".

She told me that NC was her own decision, not something that I asked and after that we never talked about it. I didn't want to start this kind of conversations because I was busy with the pick me dance and then we agreed about her separating for a few weeks. I'll see how thing go and I will have to restart the NC conversations.

You are giving her way too much benefit of the doubt.

I agree on that and I'm going to revisit it when she is back.

leafields, thank you for your suggestions.

HouseOfPlane,

You thought she was looking for you to change, but she was most likely just justifying her departure. Your attempt to appease her prolonged the inevitable collision.

She was honestly looking for me to change for years, but that didn't sound like it was something critical for her that might lead to A or D. And I was busy with other family stuff not paying enough attention to her requests.

She was honestly looking for me to change for years, but that didn't sound like it was something critical for her that might lead to A or D. And I was busy with other family stuff not paying enough attention to her requests.

When you say this- what kinds of changes do you mean?

I talked to my husband about changes here and there, but certainly he did not deserve to be cheated on.

What happens with the brainwashing is really just ignoring the uncomfortable feelings of cognitive dissonance and justifying behaviors. When someone seeks intimate emotional connection outside of marriage they begin exaggerating the history of the marriage and their partner’s shortcomings. This is to avoid guilt and to aid with compartmentalization.

This is why houseofplane is pointing that out. She found a spark with this professor and to go outside of what would be an expected moral code dictated by the promises you make when you marry someone, she has found ways to be entitled to this behavior rather than taking charge of her boundaries within the marriage.

No spouse is perfect, but your patience and understanding speaks volumes to me about the type of spouse you are and have been. You are showing a lot of love and consideration here, which is likely a continuation of how you have been your entire relationship. This is why I would like to hear a little more about what sort of change she is requesting.

Myself, I kept asking for more notional connection with my husband. Do you know what I learned? That I hadn’t been vulnerable or authentic in our marriage by playing a role rather than doing what aligned with my inner being. The result was lack of emotional connection. In other words, if I wanted to be seen and heard I had to first start showing up differently.

This may not be the case in your marriage but often the ws does not see the ways they block the very thing they are seeking. Asking someone blanketly for more emotional connection is like giving someone a destination without a map. Instead I learned to ask for specific behaviors. "I would like us to spend 15 minutes talking each day after dinner". "I would like more affection outside of the bedroom" these are requests that set him up for success and built habits.

I am probably rambling but do not blame yourself for any part of this affair. This is completely in her and a decision she is making instead of working on the marriage or asking for a divorce. Everything she is doing now is tainted with this brainwashing and you can’t effect it. What you can do is as Sissoon suggested, draw your boundaries and ask for what you want and draw lines in the sand about behaviors you are not willing to accept.