SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A couple of weeks ago I had a very positive IC session (she is the best therapist!!!). I went because my mind was still all over the place with regards to staying and going and I needed some help organising my thoughts. She already knew my story as WH and I had gone for MC with her but she made it clear until we sorted out own issues out that MC wasn’t going to work for us 😂

Anyways, she said two things that really stick with me and have had me progressing well.
1. If I am confused about staying why do you have to be ‘lovey dicey’ wife. Just be friends and see where is goes. She said we would have to be friends to co-parent our boy with any outcome so it is a good place to start. Well that has helped. I’ve relaxed so much and to be honest any I affection I’m now showing towards my husband is less forced and is happening more naturally (if that makes sense).

2. She asked what I thought forgiveness meant to me. And TBH it stumped me because as I said my definition I realised I would never be able to forgive my husband. She then said ‘not all forgiveness looks the same’. She went through some examples of what she meant and asked me to really think about it with regards the A and staying in the marriage. I’ve put a lot of thought into it since then and came to what it will mean for me. I sent this as an email to my WH and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Another thing I have realised (from @InkHulk actually) is I was trying to work on the marriage simultaneously to my husband working out his shit. This does not work and I really wished I read more on this before now. It was making me confused as I was trying to ‘save’ something that was in my eyes not my fault. So now I seperate everything with a big line. I look at the shitty behaviour of WH that were to blame for the affair and seperate them to the individual flaws we both bought to the marriage.

I know in previous posts I have been more negative than positive but these last two weeks have been huge for me but in a positive way 💚

I love this so much for you!!

I will call this a win. As ink says we have to heal ourselves individually before healing together if we choose to do so. He’s kinda smart

I do think that I’m also in the I won’t forgive my husband boat. I asked him last night what if I never forgave you? He looked at me and told me he would try the rest of his life for it but would understand if I stayed and never forgave. That meant something to me.

I hold grudges , way freaking less than this. He hurt me, he hurt my kids , I’ve hated people for way less.

I am so glad you’re on your way to healing!

Im also slowly seeing my flaws in the marriage and his flaws while still realizing neither of those caused the A. His Shitty boundaries and selfishness caused it.

Keep posting!
I’m gonna keep reading!

My way of looking at forgiveness may be different from others. For me, forgiveness is not forgetting, or completely letting go. It is toning down the level of intensity from wanting to strangle her (figuratively) to expecting her to make amends, or expecting her to do the work to heal herself and become a good partner. It's about not putting energy into something that is unproductive like being angry. But putting energy into what is productive like healing myself, and taking care of me. And expecting her to do the work to get back to a good relationship.

I have 'forgiven' my fWW, but that did not mean that she was not held accountable to doing the things needed to become a safe partner, then grow enough to be a wife I can be proud of again.

Now, instead of anger, I have sadness, as what could have been if she had not been such an idiot. What could have been if she had been honest and shared her feelings and needs rather than trying to 'self-medicate' in the worst way. Eventually, if they are R material, your anger at them will be eclipsed by the anger they have for themselves and their stupid actions. But that takes years, not months. I don't have to be angry with my fWW, she is angry enough for both of us.

I always look at how much time(which I will never get back) I want to spend on anything negative. Frankly, I don’t want to spend ANY time so I made peace years ago with my husband cheating while traveling. Don’t know who, or how often. I would never had known if I had not been told. We grew up, we moved, he changed jobs, the kids got older, I went back to college, got a job and life moved on. I lost a sibling who was too young, and a parent who was too young. One major thing I learned from all of this is we don’t get do overs. All that I just wrote happened. That is a very small piece of my life.
Forgiveness is the wrong word to use. Acceptance is the right one. Accept that it happened. Accept that you had no control over it. Accept that you can make a good marriage or you can’t and then act on that. My hope for every single bs on this site is to wake up to joy. If you can’t then wake up and do the best you can. And be kind. Life often stinks but if you have a roof over your head, food to eat and people to love who love you then be thankful. At the end of life there should not be one second of regret for not doing that which could be done.
If I am preachy it is because our family is dealing with a serious issue that is on my mind too often. I am having to give myself a pep talk to get the joy back, so I figured I would include you. I don’t want regrets either.

As part of my IC, I did The Grief Recovery Handbook. Their definition of grief is giving up the hope of a different or better yesterday. For me, this is closer to what I think of as acceptance. I can't go back and change yesterday. The exercises really did help me to get to that place and to help with the lessening of the pain.

It isn't the "forgive and forget" definition I'd learned growing up. I'm not at the F&F stage yet, but I'm getting closer to the "meh" stage which I feel is just before.

I'm glad you've got a good therapist. That's half the battle.