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My ex is trying hard, all of the i love you’s, i only want you, basically her version of the pick me dance. Only different, because I am not fucking someone else while telling her she is the only one for me. I am not leading her on, I’ve been very clear about where I stand and where our relationship is (the trash). More importantly I am not cheating on her and gaslighting her.

None the less, her pick me dance is pushing me even further away. I guess I understand what cheaters feel to an extent.

I don’t know what to make of all this, i at least know that I am being honest, but damn am I understanding why pick me dance doesn’t work at all.

If you are cheating and read this, you are a
Terrible person for putting your partner into a position where they feel they have to compete for you. Damnit all, a cheater isn’t worth it.

I’m so sorry HINHF. It’s tough. Unfortunately, I can see a lot of wayward habits still in your STBXW by how she’s carrying on now. Keep in mind that it’s entirely her fault you aren’t with her anymore.

Why is she so fervent in expressing her "remorse" now? Did she not just call a man who abused your child the love of her life? Does the cognitive dissonance not register for her? Very baffling to me. But you’re doing well. Stay frosty for any diversions or changes in tact/approach to keep you tied to her, HINHF.

Your emotional state now is where it needs to be. Keep pushing forward. She is imploding and that is on her.
Hopefully she’s not trying to conscript your kids into her drama game.
Have you filed yet?

This isn’t really the pick-me dance; it’s love bombing, which is common tactic abusers use to bring their victims back under their control when they feel they are slipping away.

But yes, that feeling of disgust and contempt you feel right now? This is how she’s been feeling for the past several years as she’s been pining after her scumbag AP while you were desperate to save your marriage and keep your family intact.

Eventually, she’ll switch channels back to self pity, anger, and then back to love-bombing again.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:09 PM, Monday, August 5th]

Yeah what BluerThanBlue said. Its lovebombing, and....she doesn't really love you i.e., want what is in your best interests. She instead just wants back the control of the situation, to get you back under her thumb. Stay strong!

Sometimes it’s too little too late.

She thinks she can fix the relationship without fixing herself.

At least she is making this easy for you.

And I agree, the pick me dance is never going to work for either party. Respect is earned and the only way it is earned is through authenticity.

She figured she had the situation in her control, and she figured wrong. I don’t think your wife knows how to love, that starts with being a person she can love. But there are no shortcuts to that and certainly of there were, love bombing would not be it.

Ick. The thought of being with anyone, who found out their boyfriend abused their son,and chose to believe a monster over their child is utterly repulsive.

Fuck her.

Yep, what Blue said. The person who's least invested in the relationship is always the one with the most power. You've flipped the script and she doesn't know how to act. She doesn't want you, she just wants you to want her. It's messing with her ego and her identity that you're over it.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:43 PM, Monday, August 5th]

This is a manipulation tactic, you have escaped from the box she had you in. She is not looking to be picked, she is looking to regain control over you. Love Bombing 101, its right there in "The Cheaters Handbook". Stay strong Brother.

You no longer see the person you married but you see the person she has become.

The rose colored glasses are off and you don’t like what you are seeing.

That is what makes it so hard to R — the cheater has basically disrespected you, trashed your marriage, your life and your kids’ lives — and they think a few "I love you" and kisses will magically make you fall back in love.

Sadly you are seeing how repulsive it is w/ a liar as a spouse. You just don’t have it in you anymore to believe one word.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

Hardy,

I prefer fool me twice to hell with you don’t confuse my kindness for weakness.

Blue,

Yes, love bombing. Ex has been on her best behavior but keeps trying her hardest to get me to crack. Lots of self pity, apologies etc. then the anger starts. She’s holding it back but the mask has completely fallen. And you’re right, now that I’m on the other side I can do an autopsy of the dead marriage and see all the ways she not only treated me with contempt, but went out of her way to make me feel I was the problem and give her "space". Which really was so she could be with her boy toy without me in the way.

Tanner, 1st Wife

Yes thank you. I have escaped the box. I wish i could have done it sooner but honestly it’s almost like she did me a favor by keeping the affair going. That really snapped me back into reality.

Rose glasses were already off, but now they are shattered completely.

I prefer fool me twice to hell with you don’t confuse my kindness for weakness.

I agree.

If I'm willing to extend some trust to attempt R, it doesn't mean I'm weak. It means I'm strong enough to be vulnerable. If you abuse that trust, you're GONE.

Hellfire,

It’s disgusting. I’m dealing with the legal process of protection order for the kids and ex keeps trying to act like we are on the same team. I told her no, I’m putting this in place so you and him can’t be together around the kids we aren’t on the same side anymore. Even if no affair, discarding our son, and the absolute hell that he has been through…that alone is enough to D.

Emu,

Yeah, she’s denying she "loved" AP, but I have the messages that literally say she loves him and always will. It’s pathetic, it’s like one of those posts from the OW I’ve seen on other sites.

And now that the jig is up she’s suddenly now doing the work? Almost 3 years of false R later? Naw.

SacredSoul,

Yes! Exactly what I was trying to say! I’m not a fool for thinking my wife of over 20 years would actually work with me to save our marriage, but damn I have my limit.

And I definitely think you are on to something, she wants me to want her. I’ve thought about that a lot during false R, that she doesn’t love me, she loves the way I love her and if I don’t do it just right then I pay the price.

that she doesn’t love me, she loves the way I love her

When you are involved with someone like this and finally see it, you can never unsee it again. The spell is broken. You wonder how you didn't see it sooner. I think we don't see it sooner because it is so foreign to us, so not the way we engage with people, that we had no idea there even were such people. What a cold, calculating, superficial way to live.

But with this new wisdom you now have comes strength, clarity, and determination. That is obvious in your posts. I am very sorry for the hell that you are going through, but I have no doubt that you will survive and thrive.

Sending strength and positive vibes.

What a cold, calculating, superficial way to live.

I'm not so sure that it's calculating, though I'm sure it feels that way when you're on the other end of it. I think it's usually due a lack of emotional intelligence due to dysfunction and/or a personality disorder.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 11:27 PM, Wednesday, August 7th]

I think we don't see it sooner because it is so foreign to us, so not the way we engage with people, that we had no idea there even were such people.

Dead on.

Stand strong, brother.