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Is there such a thing as a BS being too unreasonable or too unrealistic when it comes to a WS and essentially their journey to "healing" … not only the M, but themselves as well?

It’s been almost 10 months and I’ve seen my WH do a near complete 180 in so many areas. Never in a million years did I ever think these changes were possible or that he would be capable of making them and sticking too them.

I have a specific situation I will do my best to explain to use as an example as to what I’m referring too. My WH had developed an extreme porn addiction about a year prior to his A. Porn became his life … any free time was spent watching it, he took screenshots of his fav videos so he could go back and search them later (he had more photos of porn in his phone then his own children; this was probably what hurt the most), he jacked off to it all the time (then it became more of a scrolling habit) … then he has an A. He knows how it makes me feel for him to watch porn, look at it etc … he even agrees he wouldn’t like it or appreciate it if I were looking that kinda stuff up either.

We had a mini family vacay last weekend and my WH thought I was mean, cold and distant towards him. Maybe to an extent I was, but in my defence I’m currently living through my first "A Season" and we (stupidly) planned nearly an identical trip at the same time as this time last year - unbeknownst to me I was unaware what was going on behind my back this time last year (it was a bit triggering to say the least, but overall I felt like I was ok).

On our last night there we had the night to ourselves and my WH wanted some intimacy. I didn’t feel like it, I was tired and said maybe tomorrow once we’re back home. Essentially he had a temper tantrum because he didn’t get his way and he felt like I was rejecting him. I slept in the other bed because I couldn’t handle his ridiculous drama over it. Fast forward to 48 hours ago he booked us concert tickets and he put one of the bands songs on YouTube. I went to go type in a different song and in his search bar the phrase "asses on motorbikes" came up.

I questioned him about it and asked why he would be searching something like that up for? He said he saw this video as he was scrolling on YouTube and then punched in the phrase to view more. He confessed he did this because he was mad at me, he felt rejected, I went to sleep in the other bed, and he didn’t get his way. He said he realized how stupid it was when he looked it up and told himself to "not be a fucking loser like this."

In hindsight this might seem like a molehill to some, but the fact that he looked something like this up because he was "mad at me" is absolutely ridiculous and because of the extent of his porn watching in the past and him knowing how that affected our M why he would do something so dumb and set us back. I told him this type of behaviour is some serious 14 year old boy shit and that he’s a 38 year old man and to start acting like one. I told him if he looked this up then he should of been open/honest about it (build some trust) … he said he didn’t put too much thought into it and realized it was stupid.

This instance was a bit triggering given the fact he knows how porn played a role in the deterioration of our M/and the fact he wouldn’t appreciate if I did that to him … yet here he is, doing it to me again! Needless to say I got mad, threw his shit downstairs, ripped his self help books and journal entries (not my finest of moments, but I was raging). While doing this I told him there’s no point in reading and writing if you’re not going to "follow through."

Anyways … he hasn’t actually watched porn since Dday or anything super "detrimental" to shit all over or M since. But what he did the other weekend is magnified because of his past choices (yes, we talked about this and he agreed). I guess I’m looking for clarification … I feel like I’m not expecting perfection, but kinda am at the same time. I feel like he’s made enough "mistakes" to last him a lifetime and in my mind there isn’t room for not even one fuck up. I also know (so does he) that he has so much more to learn about himself and that he has a long ways to go in healing those broken parts of him.

So this leads me to wonder if I’m truly being "too" unreasonable or unrealistic (not just with this situation, but in general) … like, nobody can say or do the right things or be perfect 100% of the time. I remember a comment I read here that was something along the lines of "the WS should be kissing the BS ass for at least the first 5 years before they are worthy" (something to this effect). Maybe because it’s "early days" and I have less of a tolerance built up … maybe that need for perfection from the WS lessens over time?

First, both of you should have TONS of grace for you in this situation and what he put you through, so having a huge trigger-fest at ten months out should just be something that you both know will happen.

Second, just my opinion here, but "not being perfect 100% of the time" might include such things as, say, not remembering to kiss you on his way out the door because he’s running late and calling your from the car to say that he’s sorry. Getting PISSED like a two-year-old and LOOKING UP SOFT PORN PHOTOS because you are triggered over the fact that the trip you are on reminds you directly of the trip you were planning during his A is so much more than not being perfect. It is a reversion to the behavior that gave him excuses to have an A. It is wayward behavior, and he should really be self-examining in a big way. There should be not a second of thought for your reaction here.

Love, I’m years out from discovery. My WH communicated with his AP on every family vacation during his almost 7 year EA. I STILL get triggered going to those places and remember what was going on in my life behind my back. Feeling triggered on such a trip as yours was really to be expected, and he should have been tuned in to that and ready to comfort you and give you whatever you needed (comfort, distance, space, extra attention, or whatever else you said would help). Under no circumstances is the appropriate remorseful behavior from a WS to get pissed off, start pouting and search for sexually stimulating images of ANY kind.

Again, my opinion. You have to decide what you think of it based on your own history. You asked if you are being unreasonable or unrealistic. My thought is that if you want a better marriage that closes off pathways that led to porn addition and an A, he should really be crystal clear that his behavior was not innocent or trivial at all. He is the one who should have pointed it out.

Frankly, him saying that he "hadn’t put too much thought into it," would have thrown me into a fury. Our WS’s not thinking before acting catastrophically is what brought most of us here. If he is truly remorseful and wants to stay married, he certainly better damned well learn to put some thought into the behaviors that led both of you to this sad spot.

Ten months is pretty early days here. Things won’t be perfect. But if porn was a problem for him before, it boggles the mind that he wouldn’t think that this was a lot more than "stupid," and that acting out because he’s "mad" over not getting sex is a really dangerous path to head down again.

Sending you hugs of strength and support. This all truly sucks for such a very long time.

Is there such a thing as a BS being too unreasonable or too unrealistic when it comes to a WS and essentially their journey to "healing" … not only the M, but themselves as well?

First heal you. You can't heal an M until and unless you're well on your way to doing your own healing.

You (plural) can't heal your M unless your WS is well on their way to healing themself. A tantrum over sex at 10 months out, during A season, says your WS has a LOT more work to do before he can partner with you to rebuild your M. That doesn't mean he won't ever heal - just that he has more healing to do before he can be a good partner.

I was a wreck during the 1st A season. I was a wreck during the 2nd, too. Stop thinking something's wrong with you.

Second, just my opinion here, but "not being perfect 100% of the time" might include such things as, say, not remembering to kiss you on his way out the door because he’s running late and calling your from the car to say that he’s sorry. Getting PISSED like a two-year-old and LOOKING UP SOFT PORN PHOTOS because you are triggered over the fact that the trip you are on reminds you directly of the trip you were planning during his A is so much more than not being perfect. It is a reversion to the behavior that gave him excuses to have an A. It is wayward behavior, and he should really be self-examining in a big way. There should be not a second of thought for your reaction here.

I agree.

NowWhat106 - thank you for your response. I need to learn how to copy and paste from others responses so I can directly speak to a certain piece within it lol … but I very much agree with where you mention "getting pissed like a two year old … " I am coming from the mindset that what he did and how he acted was very much wayward behaviour. We had a long talk about it last night (once I was ready to talk calmly) and he did apologize profusely for his actions. After he had time to reflect on what I said/how it made me feel he did show remorse and seemed to understand the magnitude of what he done (hence him telling himself that what he was doing was "stupid" and he stopped).

I mentioned to him that behaviour like that is how "it" all started. I told him that kind of mentality and having that sort of reaction to "not getting his way" is EXACTLY why we are in the position we’re in. Again, he agreed. He said this "situation" made him realize that he needs to dig deeper into why he chooses to cope this way … he starts with a new IC this week and he says this part will be a priority to understand this piece of him and what he can do to change this. In some ways this "incident" helped shed some much needed light on an extremely bigger and more complex issue then him or I ever really considered. Growth I guess?

Even though that weekend was a trigger in and of itself, I got myself hyped up more about it in the weeks leading up as opposed to when I was actually living it. I never actually brought this up in our conversation last night about the triggering of just the trip in general … I think I will have a further conversation regarding this and then include this part as well and its significance.

I did also mention that this type of reaction of "not getting his way" is beyond selfish and scary and is exactly why I keep my walls up.

Sisoon - I agree. I told him that while he has turned a corner in many ways, he has some much needed work to do and he has to figure that out … I told him this type of behaviour and reactions are hindering, not helping him, me or our M.

Sounds like progress, Heartbrokenwife23! You communicated honestly. He owned his shit, and he seems to understand the need to change and get help doing it.

Here’s hoping that this slip of his provokes meaningful understanding and change.

This is a positive start.

Peace and strength to you, Heartbrokenwife.

To your first question

Is there such a thing as a BS being too unreasonable or too unrealistic when it comes to a WS and essentially their journey to "healing" … not only the M, but themselves as well?

IMO, of course there is such a thing. If I was using my betrayed position to demand standards that even I could not live up to we are settling them up for certain failure. He left the seat up and that means he doesn’t think of you or care about you and no progress has occurred. The application of this is infinite and I have fallen into that mode myself unfortunately.

Your second question was more along the lines of am I being unreasonable. That is a resounding no for me. I know all too well the challenge and difficulty of breaking an addiction to porn. It can be done but you have no obligation to stick around and wait for it. Or tolerate it even a little bit. You do don’t owe him that. You can choose to give him time but it is far more than he deserves.

NowWhat106 - I know he’s trying (way more than he has ever had) and over the course of this past month he finally understands he needs deeper support in helping him overcome these immense hurdles in these areas.

Tobster - I agree with your response. I try to remind myself that there is absolutely no way for him to read my my mind as to what is bothering me and he in no way can offer me perfection, nor I can I do the same for him.

Deep down I didn’t think I was unreasonable regarding his YouTube search and by the few responses agreeing I feel validated in my feelings. I told him I ignored his behaviour around porn for far too long and it turned into a very unhealthy addiction that put a wedge between us and I also consider these unhealthy coping mechanisms as a contributing factor to why he committed infidelity in our M. I made it clear to him that this type of behaviour because he was mad at me is ludicrous and I will no longer turn a blind eye or tolerate it.

I’m so sorry you’re here and going through this. Some things you mentioned are setting off alarm bells that I have seen in my WH- which we now know are related to sex addiction. The excess porn, the sense of entitlement towards sex. I am not a professional, just wanted to mention that possibility. It’s not an excuse either, but possibly contributing to his behavior.

AintDatSpecial - honestly, SA is something I have considered and have looked into and he actually looked into it for himself. We both don’t think he’s a SA, but I would never rule anything out without a professional opinion. This is an area we have yet to discover or talk about in therapy, but is on our list. We had a very healthy and active sex life up and then kids came, which changed things for me. I gained weight and grew self conscious (even though my WH didn’t care), I was always tired, trying to keep up with a house/child care responsibilities, etc … my sex drive plummeted and his didn’t. We never communicated our needs and both sides went unmet for a few years. He understands his "pouting" regarding this is extremely childish and he will continue to work harder to communicate his feelings to me (and vice versa).