SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve always been very strong minded and was never impacted emotionally in any significant way prior to dealing with infidelity although in hindsight i realise that probably wasn’t healthy and I know it’s important to feel all the emotions etc. maybe if I wasn’t so stone walled I’d have more clarity on understanding my emotions now.

In the aftermath of d day, which is now nearly one year, my mental health is horrific and I’m not sure what to do - I feel resentful, bitter, devastated and I can’t stop thinking about everything, wondering what I should do, dreaming of various life paths I could take (staying, leaving, running away and everything in between).

When people are talking about how perfect another couple is I get really triggered and think everyone is putting on a show as I thought we were a perfect couple and everyone would have also said as much about us before this happened, but low and behold it wasn’t perfect and instead he proved he was a cheating lying prick.

He has got good qualities, great with the nieces and nephews (would be a good dad), does the fair share of housework and is a decent cook. He is trying encourage us to do more by suggesting trips away etc. I can’t let go of the bitterness but I want to believe in love again.

I can’t seem to either let go of this relationship or start showing up and try to actually rebuild. We get on mostly but there’s no intimacy. It’s totally been rugswept to be honest as neither of talk about anything deep or emotional anymore or about what happened. I think I feel resentful that it’s on me - I’m the one thinking about everything and wanting to talk (although am paralysed and unable to!!) - he never asks how I am, or says he’s so grateful we’re still trying and I’m giving him the time of day. Is this what he should be doing?

I want to be loving toward a partner - I certainly used to be. I just can’t at the moment. Maybe I’m too much in my head. Or by showing love then I’ll feel like he’s off the hook 🤷🏼‍♀️ what’s difficult actually is the first 6 months after d day went well and we talked a lot and showed a lot of affection and it was better than before. But all that has fallen of a cliff and I feel like it’s all my fault.

I can’t understand how I STILL don’t know my own mind or what I want. I’m sick to death with not having clarity.

I feel so pathetic for even entertaining the fact it can work long term again but then I see so many people on here and other staying with a cheating spouse so it seems we do just accept the fact someone betrayed us? Sorry this isn’t personal I’m just finding an outlet to release my pain I don’t meant to cause offence. And genuinely it helps me to understand by seeing all your stories and responses.

Everyone I talk to say I should leave but for some reason I can’t. Why can’t I talk about what’s going on in my head to him? Some days I wish I didn’t even exist so I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. I would never do anything to harm myself it’s just wishing this was all over and feeling hatred that I’m in this position. Maybe I do want to stay but I’m struggling to accept my decision as it goes against the norm and advice received? And also it makes me feel weak by staying and that I’m betraying myself. People have already pulled away from us as a couple like it’s a catching disease. Maybe it is.

I’m so envious of people living their best life and I feel like a shell of myself.

I know that only I’m the one responsible for how I feel and it’s now my fault I’m still stuck in limbo and not feeling fulfilled in life. I just want to be in a loving relationship and have a family and I feel like it’s my fault this happened and if we had started a family earlier then maybe this wouldn’t have happened or maybe didn’t show him enough love although I feel like I am quite loving (just not right now). I can’t seem to get my head out of spiralling and overthinking every single day. I have therapy but it doesn’t seem to work maybe there’s too much damage to deal with. A lost cause.

Anyway, thanks for reading - I just came to vent. Terribly sorry for the negativity. I loathe it. I used to be so positive and bubbly.

It sounds like this has been very isolating for you. It is a lonely place to be.

I relate to this:

I’ve always been very strong minded and was never impacted emotionally in any significant way prior to dealing with infidelity although in hindsight i realise that probably wasn’t healthy

I probably over-suggest this book, but it really illuminated to me why I was this way. "Rising strong" by Brene Brown.

It sounds like you may have avoidant tendencies, and then it piles up in the background. This of course in addition to just being hit with a major trauma, there are aspects of this avoidance that may be coming to a head for you.

It makes sense to me that you don’t want to talk to him about it. He is the one who did it, and regardless of what your logical mind thinks, your reaction is to keep him at an arms length. You can’t trust him so how would you expect to feel emotional intimacy with him?

Also I am going to guess because you are a fellow feelings stuffer, you feel disconnected from not just him but yourself. And because of that everything feels jumbled and you wouldn’t really know what to say to him. But you were able to express it here. For me sometimes writing it down is easier for me to sort.

Finding the energy to heal in the midst of that is nearly impossible. And it’s sort of feels like from this post that you feel guilty that you can’t be a certain way for him.

My recommendations would be to start doing some of the following. Not all at once but build up to these things.

1. Decenter him for a while. Give yourself permission not to show up and be what he needs. This will take practice to lean into. But until you can start to listen to what you need and let those obligations fall, there is no way you can ask what you need in the relationship. Or have clarity over leaving the relationship. Your mental health is the most important factor here, nothing else works until you you can stop putting all these pressures and expectations on yourself.

2. Carve out some time to do what you need. Whether it’s to take a bath or go try a new hobby. Consider joining a group based hobby. This sounds stupid but it’s mental rest to focus on something else that you can lose yourself in. I am not saying avoid, this is energizing because your mind starts to slowly replace how you use creativity. Often creativity gets drained by the going over and over things. It’s normal for your brain to want to do that, but you have to slowly adapt towards being able to enjoy something again. It also gives you new people to connect with as well as something to look forward to

3. And while it doesn’t feel like it’s possible some days, try and get out and get exercise/spend time in nature. This can help boost your brain chemistry and energize you a bit. There are likely hiking and walking clubs in your area or maybe just join a Zumba group even. Exercise has a big impact on brain chemistry.

4 Practice asking for exactly what you want. You deserve to receive.

5. Tell your therapist you don’t feel like you are making progress. Perhaps they will remind you of things you haven’t considered, or perhaps it’s time to try someone new.

6, Spend some time feeling your feelings. Start small and in short bursts of time. When we numb the bad we numb the good. Also, until you acknowledge those feelings they can’t have movement.

7. Treat yourself whenever possible. Try giving yourself options and pick the ones that sound most exciting to you, even if right now it’s only slight. Be good to yourself, look at your self talk and try and assess whether you would talk to someone you love this way. Fill your own cup as often as you can even with small things. Cut some flowers and put them in an area you spend time. If you can afford to take a trip by yourself or with a friend.

These things won’t fix your marriage but they will help you feel better and reconnect with yourself. As you do this, you will start to feel stronger and your energy will return. Don’t even worry about making a decision about the relationship, that can wait until you are stronger.

Best to you. Be good to you. Make yourself the biggest priority. Everything will fall into place from that. I promise. The more you do this the more you will find that you start looking after what’s best for you. That will bring a load of clarity. But it won’t happen on its own.

Thanks HikingOut! I definitely am an avoider I think it’s because it’s too over whelming to feel the emotions and too painful.

I appreciate the book rec, I just downloaded it and will give that a read this week!

Thanks for those pointers I’ve already started to do some of those things but I think decentering from him is key and having a bit more time just for myself which I’m definitely not prioritising right now and I need to make a more conscious effort to do that. Thanks for responding and hearing me.

I feel like I’m making a bigger deal out of everything than it needs to be and we should just get on with our life together, but surely it is a big deal what he’s done to betray me and the relationship for so long. And now to act like nothing ever happen. Thats what’s causing me such a confusion that we’re acting like it didn’t happen by not acknowledging it and so now I'm questioning how bad it really was.

Why do so many people stay? It confuses me we’re in so much pain yet why do we want to stay with the person who caused us this pain and the mental health decay?? I get a lot of advice to leave from people who stayed after being in similar situations. I would also probably tell someone to leave in my situation and as this pain isn’t worth it. But here I am still muddling through. Does love really conquer all? Is redemption and reconciliation actually real? At the time I felt like I didn’t want some other woman to come in and steal my life and my man, but why am I now not happy even though he’s said he’s committed to us and never wanted us to not be together.

I feel like I’m unintentionally pushing him away and he’ll leave me anyway and I’ll be in even more pain.

Everyone on this community seems so strong and committed to their decision either to leave or stay. I admire and envy your stature. Hopefully one day I can find the strength to make a decision and be confident in that decision.

I feel like I’m making a bigger deal out of everything than it needs to be and we should just get on with our life together, but surely it is a big deal what he’s done to betray me and the relationship for so long. And now to act like nothing ever happen. Thats what’s causing me such a confusion that we’re acting like it didn’t happen by not acknowledging it and so now I'm questioning how bad it really was.

It sounds like you guys are rugsweeping and I don’t think that will ever work for you. I don’t think this is something time just fixes.

But I want to drill down here-

You are self abandoning. Going along to get along. I understand this. I am glad you were open to decentering him and trying some of the other stuff. You need to learn you are your own best friend and that you wouldn’t allow a best friend to be treated this way. You would want the best for them. Work on that relationship. Is your therpist encouraging you to set boundaries?

I felt like I didn’t want some other woman to come in and steal my life and my man, but why am I now not happy even though he’s said he’s committed to us and never wanted us to not be together.

Because his actions are not matching his words so down deep you don’t believe him. (Meaning he says he wants nothing more than to be married to you yet he had an affair) Also, reconciling takes a lot of work and communication. It sounds like you guys are just trying to get past it. You have been traumatized, your brain wants to protect you.

Him saying sorry I didn’t mean it, I want you and our family, that understandably rings pretty hollow right now. The connection you had early on after dday was likely caused by hyper bonding, which also can be normal. But what you need is for him to prove those words and that means he will not always be in comfort. Giving him all the comfort robs you of yours.

I feel like I’m unintentionally pushing him away and he’ll leave me anyway and I’ll be in even more pain.

It makes sense that you aren’t ready to lose the marriage (if you ever will be, I am not pushing you towards any sort of relationship outcome.). But you are not in a marriage you are enjoying or are likely to enjoy by trying to swallow your feelings and hurt and trying to let him off the hook so he won’t leave.

But don’t beat yourself up for not feeling strong. No one in your shoes does. That’s why I would like to see you strengthen your relationship with yourself enough to not fear the outcome of him leaving but to fear the outcome of bottling this up. By choosing the bottling up you are trading in your peace to give him his, with the hope moving forward you can rely on him. It should be him proving every day you can rely on him by letting out how you feel and him proving you can trust him by making it safe for you to do that.They say you have to not be afraid to lose the marriage to save it. But it is not unusual you are not feeling up to that right now.

Both of you need to see that the more you can express yourself the more you can heal. And the more he can create a safe space to do that, the more trust and connection he will build.

Everyone on this community seems so strong and committed to their decision either to leave or stay. I admire and envy your stature. Hopefully one day I can find the strength to make a decision and be confident in that decision.

No, there are some veterans who have spent years in their processes and came to clarity. I am seven years out for example. You will reach a point of certainty. None of us had that at your stage and there are plenty of people here swimming around in the muck trying to navigate just like you. You are not doing anything wrong, you have been dealt a difficult trauma and while you are usually feeling stronger, someone being able to cope with that on their own is pretty much non-existent.

And honey, it WAS that bad. You are processing grief, and denial and bargaining are normal stages. Infidelity changes everything and you are carrying a huge burden on your own, hoping it will go away. Everything you are saying and doing, it’s normal. No one knows how to do this, it’s a huge leaning curve. You are doing great. Keep reaching out here.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:23 PM, Wednesday, August 7th]

It has been ages since I posted but I just wanted to say I relate so much to this. I also have had loads of advice to leave and haven’t and hate myself and him for not doing it. Others have distanced themselves from us too, i suspect they just hate the drama of it all.
Things are so much better, finally he has changed and acting a lot better but like you I feel resentful and bitter and can’t be vulnerable. He gets upset and angry by this and other times I hate myself for not just getting over it and forgetting. I feel other people must judge me massively. And when I talk to friends I vent the bad stuff and not the good and I sometimes think they must judge me even more but I just need an outlet and I am an over-sharer. I think I would also come on here and give a snapshot of the difficult times and people on here understandably gave me advice to leave too. However, he has stepped up so much with our children and we can have great time together which I don’t share.

My husband definitely wants this all forgotten and talking about it just makes him either angry or upset so normally I don’t until it explodes out of me. Thisled to arguments and wasn’t good for the kids so I have stopped reacting that way and things are better. Recently, he has finally started to take accountability to some of the damage he has done to me. He even recently said I notice you never say you love me which would have upset him but he acknowledged that he understood why and it would take time for me to trust him

I have no words of wisdom. I just empathise so much with your post, I imagine scenarios too where I have left or had a different life. As others have said, it may just take time to get some clarity. I think I am just taking it day by day focusing on me and the children and not trying to live my life but it is hard.

Asking why so many of us stay is not the best question to ask. The best questions are: 'What can I do? What do I want to do? What do I decide to do.'

Those of us who do well in our awful betrayed sitch, IMO, recognize that we have to deal with immense amounts of pain whatever we do. so we come to focus on the best resolution possible in our own sitch. R was easy for me, much easier than D, and that's why I chose it - but I considered ways to live a good life even if I D'ed. Others want D, and I'll submit that D is at least in some ways the easier choice for them. (Remember: 'easier' doesn't mean 'easy'. It just means 'less difficult'.)

So my reco is to focus on what you want and what is possible. D is always possible, of course. R is a bad bet unless one's WS is remorseful (i.e. willing to do the work necessary for R) and unless the BS wants R, too. Consider all options. Figure out which is best for you.

If you make mindful choices, you can hold your head up with virtually any choice.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:57 PM, Wednesday, August 7th]

What work is he doing to become a safe partner and rebuild your trust?

It took me about a year to see that my XWH wasn't doing the work to become a safe partner. He was just doing the minimum to make it look like he was doing the work, but he really wasn't changing. I didn't leave for another 6 months. (He suggested MC and I went to be sure that I was done. When he confessed to another inappropriate contact with a female, I said that we're going to D.)

Sometimes, it takes a while for your head to catch up to your heart. There's nothing wrong with that.

And there are plenty of us that are not on the R bus.

so it seems we do just accept the fact someone betrayed us

You will need to come to acceptance that you've been betrayed, regardless of whether you R or D. It's part of your past and is now part of your history. You can't go back and change it. In therapy, we did The Grief Recovery Handbook, which helped me to heal a lot. Then, we did mindfulness exercises from another book. In combination with SI, I've done so much better.

I can’t seem to get my head out of spiralling and overthinking every single day

Sometimes, when you think in certain ways, your brain sets up a highway and your thoughts will just automatically go down that highway. There are certain games that can help your brain recenter so your thoughts aren't always going down that specific highway. Match-3 games are good at doing this. Personally, I play Seeker's Notes, which is a find the hidden object game. You have no idea how many times I've fallen asleep with my tablet in my lap.

With thought spirals, I found meditation helped me to stop the spiraling and recenter my thoughts back to the present.

Sorry you're still hurting, but it really does take time to process through all of the stuff

Thank you all for replying and making me feel heard.

Some good recommendations and reassurances that I definitely need to start doing and pull myself out of the gutter mentally. I know no one else is responsible for my healing I guess it does just all feel very isolating.

I had a good session with my IC recently so I will stick with that and hopefully slowly I’ll feel better and know what decision is best course of action for my life.

Thanks for allowing me to vent it all out.