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I have a question for you all about memories. Specifically good, pre-betrayal memories.

For many years, I could not recollect the good memories of events that took place of our dating, courtship, earlier marriage and family. Its not like I forgot them totally, its like they were blocked out by the betrayal. Like an eclipse. When I saw pictures of those times, i was detached. Like I was looking at someone else's life. There was no emotional attachment and as soon as I stopped looking at them, there was no lingering emotion or rumination. Its like the memories of the affair and following torturous years consumed all of my recollection bandwidth. Like there was nothing before it.

Now, in recent years, those memories are returning, many times unbidden. When they do, I have a mix of emotions ranging from smiles to getting misty eyed. This happened to me recently and I actually remembered that we had some photos of that memory in a family album that I dug out of a closet and actually reminisced for a while and could smile.

Anyone else experience this phenomenon? What has been your relatuonship with pre-affair memories?

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:16 PM, Monday, August 12th]

Hi Doble

Not really the same as you with regards to not remembering memories but I do really struggle with understanding how my WH could just push aside those wonderful memories for a few make out sessions and a couple of 10min f*cks.

We are currently doing a room make over for our youngest child and we were pulling off the wall deco’s and I just burst into tears. I remembered how excited we were for the arrival of our son and doing up his nursery.

Episodes like this happen from time to time but hopefully not forever.

No, I haven't had the memories blocked by betrayal and no longer feel dissociation when I think back on the memories. My XWH is NPD, and there were so many lies. He was really good at lying by omission, so there are many things that I thought were one thing, only to find out later that he let me believe things that weren't quite the truth.

Part of my processing was to go back through my memories of our time together. When I'm going down memory lane, I focus on my thoughts and feelings at the time and try not to include how I thought he may have been feeling. So, sometimes I will have to stop and think a little bit and then resume thinking about my memories.

One of my favorite places on earth is the beach. We used to go to the coast every couple of years. After the kids were older and we had more money, we were able to go to different areas and enjoy better restaurants, go to the museums, etc. Since the D, I don't have XWH with me but the memories of when we went to this place and bought this picture or the stack of glass coasters can sometimes make me cry. I'm getting better and am making new memories.

But, I remember our camping trips with extended family somewhat fondly. (I'm not a happy camper.) The time when the kids did this or that, caught crawdads, etc.

Yes and yes and yes.

We are currently going through stuff trying to thin out and there are so many photos. We had twins so I always doubled our prints so each would have a record of what I thought was our precious life. But as each box showed up what was once precious seemed like a burden. My husband left one of them out on our porch and I thought what if it rains and then i thought who gives a shit.

Of course I don't mean it. It seems wrong to. It's not just our life but our kid's too anyway. But what it all meant to me once is in question, to put it kindly.

He was such a perfect dad. It's in the pictures, the proof.

could just push aside those wonderful memories for a few make out sessions and a couple of 10min f*cks

Same here. I wonder what was going through the mind of my spouse that made all of what came before meaningless. I've commented elsewhere, no explanation ever given has really ever made sense to me. But, I don't think it is for lack of trying, on either her part or mine. I just have never been there in my mind.

Thank you all. Appreciate your input and perspectives as always.

As I reflect on my thoughts about those pre-affair memories, I really cannot say that I was avoidant or consciously dissociating myself from them. If I ran across a reminder of one of those "good times" prior to the A, I felt nothing and had no desire to linger. This really went on for years. Its like a fuse was blown or a breaker thrown. Could it have been a subconscious protective response? Sure. I cannot however say that definitively. The human soul is pretty amazing.

It just been in recent years, with the A in my rearview mirtor that I have attached meaning and emotions to those times. I feel again. Its a pretty wild phenomenon.

For those who ask how their partner could so poison the relationship history via marital treason, I hear you (see my thread on duplicity v. cognitive dissonance).

If I could post a picture as to what infidelity looks like in relation to the relationship/marriage continuum, it would look like this:

https://images.app.goo.gl/zHA3Gn9aWGqxALQw8

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:30 PM, Monday, August 12th]

Thank you all. Appreciate your input and perspectives as always.

As I reflect on my thoughts about those pre-affair memories, I really cannot say that I was avoidant or consciously dissociating myself from them. If I ran across a reminder of one of those "good times" prior to the A, I felt nothing and had no desire to linger. This really went on for years. Its like a fuse was blown or a breaker thrown. Could it have been a subconscious protective response? Sure. I cannot however say that definitively. The human soul is pretty amazing.

Its just been in recent years, with the A in my rearview mirror that I have attached meaning and emotions to those times. I feel again. Its a pretty wild phenomenon.

For those who ask how tbeir partner could so poison the relationship history via marital treason, I hear you (see my thread on duplicity v. cognitive dissonance).

If I could post a picture as to what infidelity looks like in relation to the relationship/marriage continuum, it would look like this:

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:34 PM, Monday, August 12th]

From d-day on, I often found good memories interrupting rage and grief. It annoyed me no end - I wanted to be angry/sad, not happy. W said she always had good memories of our relationship.

Four years later, I skimmed a Gottman book and saw something to the effect that good memories under stress indicate that the M would endure. I took that to mean R was very likely to succeed. Wished I had read the damned book when my W first suggested it, which was before her A.

From d-day on, I often found good memories interrupting rage and grief. It annoyed me no end - I wanted to be angry/sad, not happy. W said she always had good memories of our relationship.

Four years later, I skimmed a Gottman book and saw something to the effect that good memories under stress indicate that the M would endure. I took that to mean R was very likely to succeed. Wished I had read the damned book when my W first suggested it, which was before her A.

Thanks sisoon. This is interesting and the fact that no good memories came to me after Dday and for a long time following is true to form as to your post. Our marriage died a decade long death.

Its only in recent years that these memories have bern percolating to the forefront of my mind with positive emotions attached.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:38 AM, Thursday, August 15th]

I have not experienced this exactly as it relates to my marriage because when my husband had an affair I didn’t really feel a new death because we were already in the midst of the death I caused.

However, I have delved into spiritual teachings (not religious exactly) as I have been in my healing process. I read once that as we move though life and experience trauma pieces of our soul kind of go offline or disconnect. (i am surely butchering the original explanation to a certain extent but I do t have the vocabulary to recall the much more beautiful description) Healing is calling those energies and pieces back to ourselves and reintegrating them. As we advance in that process, that’s where we regain our wholeness.

There are various ways to instigate this process- to hasten it, a popular one is through guided mediation. There are ones that were too outside of my box like dealing with a shaman, etc.

I personally don’t feel I did a lot to hasten this but I am more mindful and I do meditate. The book Power of now by Eckhardt Tolle was a great illumination for me on meditating and realizing my soul and mind are separate things that I can connect with. It’s about time for me to reread it - it’s so dense it could be a great periodic read to keep building on. He has some great podcasts and such as well.

Probably a less popular thing that helped me was mushrooms. (Yes, very outside my box as I don’t even drink alcohol) It was a Controlled situation and environment expressly for the purposes of healing. But that experience has almost completely mitigated issues I was having with anxiety, which slowly allowed me to gain more positive coping/thinking. And there were many other benefits. I wouldn’t do them again (it was an extremely emotional experience that went from laughing/playing to hours of intense racking sobs)

But afterwards, I did kind of experience what you were talking about. I had a lot of abuse in my childhood and it took away a lot of my good memories. Suddenly, those started to visit. Even to today (this experience was 3 years ago). And I find myself reveling in them. Just the other day I was cooking and started to sing this little childhood tune that I used to play on my record player. I hadn’t heard it in years and it’s wasn’t something even my kids ever had playing. I looked it up by trying to type in some of the lyrics I could remember. I played it and listened to it several times while tears streaked down my face and I remembered how I spent a lot of time playing records on that thing. It was my form of childhood meditation without me realizing it at the time, my way of coping and blocking out my environment.

So all this to say, I believe you are calling back the energies that are missing patches of your soul. And I also read that healing is not for us to just rid ourselves of pain but the process in which we can once again feel a wide variety of emotions at a stronger capacity. We are more sensitive and compassionate with others as that process deepens.

So all this to say, I believe you are calling back the energies that are missing patches of your soul. And I also read that healing is not for us to just rid ourselves of pain but the process in which we can once again feel a wide variety of emotions at a stronger capacity. We are more sensitive and compassionate with others as that process deepens.

Could be. My amateur analysis is that the betrayal and all it entailed both numbed my soul and displaced all else including the prior memories. Its like dropping a wrecking ball into a kiddy pool. There was nothing left for a long long time. Slowly, very slowly the ability to recall came back along with with some (good?) feelings. It took a long long time. Just one more facet of the terrible ripple effects of marital treason. It taints everything forever.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 8:04 PM, Thursday, August 15th]