SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A week ago, he told me. It has only been going on for a couple of weeks, but still.... a houseful of kids of various ages and stages, thankfully none of them super young. 2 decades of marriage. And he got sucked into a blackhole of misery that he found a light for somewhere else. Even though I saw it coming, (and begged for it not to, but couldn't really do much to stop it) - I'm shattered, but as long as I don't let the cracks show, I can keep it under control right now.

He doesn't know if he wants to work on our marriage or not. He's feeling lost and confused. He told me that he wouldn't sleep with her again, but is struggling with not being allowed to contact her anymore. They work closely together and that makes it 100 fold more challenging. He thinks she is the salvation to all his problems, and she's needy and broken too so I can't see how it will lead to something better for him if he chooses her after all this.

We've talked and talked and talked. Maybe more than we ever have. Ultimately, over the course of our marriage - we broke each other which lead to his choice in a flash of hopeless pain and overwhelm - and then feeling like he'd finally been appreciated. We need to change or we need to let go.

We met a counsellor last night and he agreed to try to focus on our marriage for one month. I'm committing 100%. Let's see if he will. He said he will try, but his brain is all f'd up.

I have to keep things together. If anything, just for the kids. I really don't want them to find out, because it will likely be easy for them to villainize their dad and I don't want that.

Thank you for the wisdom and open sharing on this forum. It really helped me make some wise decisions in how I've been handling myself and what steps to take now.

- I was able to take the news without a massively emotional meltdown or anger. I was able to be rational and listen and be mature in my responses. That might be my biggest win right now. I didn't set everything on fire and destroy what little was left.

- I've already seen my health provider and got tests done and made a follow up visit for other deeper things.

- I'm working on finding myself a counsellor too because I need to fix me. I can't be the wife he dreamed of and I can't expect him to love me if I can't love myself.

- I'm focusing on myself - getting myself moving, showering, drinking water, etc. I'll admit though that I've lost like 10lbs in the last week since I just haven't been able to eat much. I have been talking to two close friends and have asked some others who don't know what's going on other than "something big" to check in on me. They demand proof of life photos.

- I'm journalling.

- I'm looking for solutions to the big ticket areas of our life so that I can be ready when and if we are to attempt to tackle them. It's my responsibility to be the best I can be. Not for him, but for me. And that includes understanding how I can change the things in my life and brain that have lead to this.

- I have managed to get my brain into a place that is willing to accept that this might be over, even if I don't want it to be. And now I'm trying to find out what I have to do next, even if it's just in case.

I hate this. I hate it all.

[This message edited by LostSquid at 12:27 PM, Thursday, August 15th]

Hi LS

I’m sorry you are here. Sounds like it wasn’t surprising. Doesn’t minimize the pain though.

Sounds like you are doing some of the right things. You can give it a try, but if I were advising you my approach would be not to work on rebuilding anything with someone who is not all in and still has another woman in her heart.

That’s more my recommended approach.

In other words I’d let him know that while he still is working with, seeing and pining away for someone else, that you will be working with your own individual therapist and talking to a lawyer about what divorce looks like, in order to start the work to heal from his infidelity on your own.

I would tell the marriage counselor that as well. That type of counseling usually doesn’t help at all if the cheating partner is not all in and taking concrete steps to eliminate his affair partner not just your lives but his heart and head as well.

And you can’t start rebuilding, in my opinion, until he has complete that work that he mostly has to do on his own.

Forcing him to make those decisions usually means you end up actually reconciling not with him, but with yourself as he’s not all in.

I know you are in pain. It’s normal and understandable. But I think you should focus on you right now, do t try to force fixing things with him, and focus on the kids.

Others will be by to help.

Take care…

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:45 PM, Saturday, August 17th]

I am so very sorry. Please read Betrayal Bind. Also, start listening to Jake Porter's videos. Might be listed under "Daring Ventures". His model of "couple centered recovery" has proven to be very successful

Allow yourself to feel. This is such a wound....more than you yet know. There IS HOPE....you can recover as a couple and individuals at same time.

What really helped me was drawing near to God. He truly understands and can help you navigate the deep places of the heart. Listen.🙏

Oh....another very important thing. Please make sure counselors you use specialize in betrayal trauma. There are countless accounts of people that see general counselors, where they do more harm than good.

Thank you.

@Stevesn - You are right. I know. Right now, I know it's not really reconciliation time. But I'm hoping is that we can get some skills in place with help and with each other to be able to a) communicate better, b) prove that there is hope in our marriage that makes it worth fighting for so he can make that decision, and c) learn how to do life together in a non-harmful way. Because even if our marriage needs to end, we will still need to have those skills in place to be co-parents, etc. Maybe along the way of getting help *now* we can start the process. Something. Anything.

@WoodThrush2 - God is the only reason I'm standing. I have "I trust You" on repeat in my head. I'm using Christian music to drown out the extra noise. Thanks for the suggestion on the videos. I'm going to check it out. And the guy we went to - I honestly have no idea if he's been trained for this specifically. He's been practicing since before I was born! But he was highly recommended by someone I know and love who has been through this exact same thing, so it seemed like a good place to start. I'm trusting that it was the right choice. For myself, that's a valid point. I'll be making sure to add that to my list of questions for a first meeting.

[This message edited by LostSquid at 4:36 PM, Thursday, August 15th]

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're here. There are some posts that are pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. I've also bumped some that have bull's eye icons that have some great information. Also, the Healing Library is a great resource. I would encourage you to read the ones that are about recovering before you reconcile (R). R is a gift that you can give after you've had a chance to do some healing.

MC (marriage counseling) can be tricky at this point because so many counselors use the "unmet needs" excuse. Nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say caused him to cheat. He did it because he is lacking character, then had motive and opportunity. This wasn't a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. He made thousands of conscious decisions to betray you.

Not only does he need to go NC (no contact) with her, he needs to look for another job. If they remain in any kind of contact, the A (affair) is still on-going and he will still get that dopamine hit. If he's still wanting contact with her, how is he going to be 100% committed to your M (marriage)?

He needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald, which is a nice blueprint for him to follow. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another good read, although more technical. I really liked the chapter on Windows and Walls because it discusses boundaries with people outside the M.

You’re getting great advice so far, LostSquid. I’m so sorry that you had to find us.

I’d only add that individual counseling for both of you is more important that MC right now. And the big one: please don’t focus on trying to be the wife he’s always dreamed of—focus on being the YOU that you’ve always dreamed of being for yourself. Whatever happens with your marriage, you are who you will spend the rest of your life with. Any counselor worth anything will tell you that you can’t dream wife your H into becoming a better person. You have to want better for yourself and he has to want to become a better person for himself rather than a liar and a cheater.

It is soul-crushing to spend any time with a person who, after twenty years, doesn’t know if he wants to be with you or ride off in his shiny new model. It sounds like you have good support in your life. You’ll get great support here too. Everyone here is hoping for you to move out of infidelity and into a better life going forward, whatever else happens.

Sending you strength and support.

He told me this morning that today is going to be a hard day at work because he had told her that he was committing to working completely on us. So, I'll take that as a good sign.

I did find a counsellor for myself and we start in 2 weeks (because she's on holiday next week). So that's good.

I did encourage him to consider his own counselling, but he's not ready yet. He works a lot and is overwhelmed atm. I think we both know that he needs a new job, but we have to stick it out until the end of the year before that can happen. We will continue talking about it.

And thank you @NowWhat106 - I'm sorry I wasn't clear. I meant that I know I can't be his dream wife and that I need to fix *me* to love myself and be strong. Then we can worry about the next steps. <3

I am so sorry for you and lived your exact situation years ago. But I remember the pain and devastation and did exactly what you are doing - being there for the kids, focusing on me etc.

Here is the red flag - 🚩 🚩🚩- they still work together.

That means the OW can try and hijack your marriage. Your H may engage or may not. But if he’s in the fence and his feel good buddy is waiting for him out of your sight, those are dangerous waters.

My H kept me in the fence for months. He was "unsure" and while I thought we were R he was still cheating.

Don’t believe your H’s words but believe his actions. I think that is the best advice I have. As an example if he comes home from work and is "off" with you or annoyed for no reason, it may be b/c of the OW.

I hope this helps you in the early stages of this hell. Please keep posting here - you will receive great support.

Ma'am, so very sorry you are facing this betrayal. My first wife betrayed me when we had children at home. I know how shattering that reality is.

Another thing I completely relate to is lopsided effort. You write that you are ready to give it your all while he is witholding his decision...one foot in, one foot out. Still seeing and interacting with his f buddy at work. As others have said, this is a huge red flag. He is miles and miles from remorse. Take it from me, trying to R with a quasi regretful "spouse" is a recipe for failure. I wasted years on this and deeply regret it to this day. Marriage counseling at this juncture is not advised imo. He needs to get himself in therapy and figure himself out AND take immediate measures to go no contact with his f buddy even if it means changing jobs. Do not set yourself up to be left twisting in the wind. You can find my thread on behaviors that did not serve me well as a newly BH in the General forum. It may be helpful. I actually just added to it yesterday.

So, what to do? Well, first read everything that this site affords in the healing library (so wish I had these resources back then) and consider enacting the 180 asap. This is not for him, its for you. You and your children need to be front and center now. Do not frantically try and "save the marriage". This is what you need to see from him after he takes the measures listed above. Put your effort into self care (nutrition, exercise, therapy, time with close family and friends, posting here, etc.) Id also pay close attention to some of the posters over in the Wayward Side forum who have a good handle on what true remorse looks like to gain understanding of what the starting line should be.

Your Dday was a week ago. Your head may well be spinning and I get that. This place will afford progressive handholds for you to grab on to. I hope you keep posting.

We met a counsellor last night and he agreed to try to focus on our marriage for one month. I'm committing 100%. Let's see if he will. He said he will try, but his brain is all f'd up.

This scares me. It reminds me of the "pick-me-dance" that I did with my 1st H when I found out he was cheating on me. I danced that dance like a PRO...and I WON...he picked ME. Only...I found him with another woman about 2 years later . I learned the hard way that the pick-me-dance NEVER works. NEVER.

After 28 years of marriage with my 2nd H...he confessed to cheating on me 2 days after coming home from an overseas job where he had his A. Of course he started like MOST confessions right out of the "Cheaters Handbook" . He said he loved me like he had never loved anyone else, but he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. Then he told me how he had met someone and then he mentioned her name...Lily. I asked him what they had done...still being naive in thinking he had met her online...or maybe at a bar? He could only mutter one word, "Everything". My world as I knew it changed forever with that word.

At this point it was like watching a movie. My limbic system that had experienced infidelity 30 years earlier took over and my instinctive "flight" response kicked in. My lizard brain then did ALL the work. I immediately told him that our marriage was OVER. I then calmly got up and told him I would leave the room so that he could contact the adultery co-conspirator so that they could start making plans for their future because we were done. I then nonchalantly left the room...leaving him a free man.

Surprisingly...my H followed me into our bedroom...and asked to lay down with me in our bed . For TWO days he had barely touched me...yet after giving me this devastating news and I was giving him his freedom he NOW wanted to lay down next to me??? I said he could...but I wouldn't let him talk about US...except for how WE would be going separately from here on out. I finally told him he had to go and contact the adultery co-conspirator. The time difference between our two countries would have her going to sleep soon and I wanted him to be sure and talk to her as soon as possible so that they could get this ball rolling on their future.

I have recently gone through my 10th A season...and I can honestly say that my H and I are very much HAPPILY in reconciliation . But...there's always a BUT ...true R can't happen unless BOTH parties are ALL IN for reconciliation (((HUGS))). Right now your WH can't possibly be ALL IN. And in all honesty...you can't be either...because you don't know the WHOLE truth yet. But there IS one thing that you really can be 100% committed to right now...and that is your HEALING Dear Lady . Infidelity is a trauma like no other . Every day that your WH is at work with the adultery co-conspirator will only trigger you more and may even add to that trauma .

The GOOD news is that you have started doing some great things in your healing ! There are some awesome articles in the Healing Library on here...and in some of the threads at the top of this Forum too ! As you heal...you will see that what your WH did had NOTHING to do with your OR your M and everything to do with HIS brokenness. If he doesn't heal...he will continue to keep doing destructive things to himself and people around him will be collateral damage as in this case right now.

NO ONE can change him...but that doesn't mean that YOU have to ACCEPT him IF he refuses to change. That was a lesson I learned with my 2nd H. I accepted his selfishness throughout our M...until he cheated. That was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. When my H left the room to go and contact the adultery co-conspirator that day...I started thinking about what it would take for ME to reconcile with him. I came up with ULTIMATUMS . They all had to do with him being UNselfish. Honestly...I didn't think he would do ANY of them...but I figured I would give him the choice.

After I had decided on the ultimatums I went back in our living room and made sure that my H had finished messaging with the adultery co-conspirator. I told him that I MIGHT consider R...IF he would agree to my ultimatums. I told him he didn't HAVE to do ANY of them...but if he didn't agree to EVERY ONE of them...I would proceed with the divorce. To my surprise...he heartily agreed to ALL of them . (I found out a few months later that my H had thought to himself that if I would give him a chance at R...that he would do whatever it took just to have me back in his life. If I had known that...I might have given him MORE ultimatums .)

I say ALL of this to let you know Dear Lady...you have OPTIONS . YES...you can commit to your M 100%...that is a very NOBLE plan. Sadly...unless your WH is also committing 100%...it really doesn't matter . However...what DOES matter...is committing 100% to YOU . PLEASE...help that sweet...precious...soul who is wounded and bleeding right now. She deserves so much more than what THAT man just put her through (((HUGS))). THAT man is her enemy right now...and it is YOUR JOB to protect her from HIM. UNTIL. That's it. Until he leaves. Until he changes. Until he treats her better. UNTIL.

There is another saying on here that may help you as well. You have to be WILLING to LOSE the marriage in order to SAVE it. This is similar to saying the pick-me-dance NEVER works...sort of . My H told me that he planned on taking his A to his grave. He had it while working overseas...so he thought I would never find out...so I would never get hurt. He didn't PLAN on falling for her...and the extreme GUILT he had when he saw me again. He knew he was going to have to confess...and he said that he expected me to cry and scream...rant and rave. But he said he NEVER expected me to calmly tell him that our marriage was over. He told me that when I walked out of the room his heart SANK. He realized that he was indeed in love with me and he didn't know what to do...but all he wanted at that point was to be WITH ME. That was why he followed me into the room.

By acting the way I did...by standing up for ME...I inadvertently saved my marriage. I hope that is making sense. Your WH...by you telling him that YOU are 100% committing to the marriage...is hearing that you aren't going anywhere. So he is FREE to CHOOSE. Guess what? He won't choose for as long as he can get away with having his cake and eating it too. It is in chapter 8 of the "Cheater's Handbook". There really isn't a "handbook"...it is just so common as to what cheaters do that it can be predicted.

You will get LOTS of advice on here...so I will leave you with this last bit...take what HELPS you on here...and LEAVE the rest . Some advice on here was AWESOME for my healing...and some just didn't FIT into what would help in MY situation. We are all at different phases in our healing timelines...and we ALL want to HELP . One WONDERFUL day...you won't be in this horrible RAW phase Dear Lady...I promise (((HUGS))). For now...keep doing what helps YOU...one minute at a time if necessary .

Thank you. I know. I'm trying to be respectful of the fact that this is still new and raw and fraught with emotions.

I *am* working on me primarily. He actually asked me to do that, because he wants me to care about myself. I'm trying my damnedest to focus on the needs I haven't met for myself over my life time. I've reached out for help. I'm hoping I can make progress.

I'm hoping he will get confident enough to seek help for himself too.

We have been talking. That's basically all we were doing at the counsellor - a safe place to talk openly about this whole thing. It wasn't really about saving us at this point. Sure, long term goals, but now, it's just a place to talk with a mediator so we can be guided in a way where we are hearing each other. It's about listening.

I've told him point blank that if he can't make the commitment to me, if he can't cut it off or chooses her in any way, I'm prepared to walk away. I know it will be really hard to do, but if I have to, I have to.

I'm listening to you all. I am. I've read this forum in the last week on repeat for the last week. I'm trying not to do the pick me dance, but I don't even really know what that looks like. I refuse to just turn my back and shut him out completely. I can't.

Everything is up and down. I'm trying to stay grounded.

I'm praying hard for us. I'm praying hard for continual wisdom and guidance. I'm getting help for myself. I can't choose what he decides. But I can take control of the things in my life that I can control. That's what I'm working on.

I appreciate all your thoughts.

I'm sorry if I missed this in your thread already, but is she married?

Also, they are co-workers -- he is putting his job at risk by playing around at work. Does his boss know about this relationship?

Again, it sounds like you are doing the right things.

I was glad to see you write this:

I've told him point blank that if he can't make the commitment to me, if he can't cut it off or chooses her in any way, I'm prepared to walk away. I know it will be really hard to do, but if I have to, I have to.

That was the right thing to say.

It’s impossible to conceive of when you’re fresh past DDay and you still love the man who hurt you so unbelievably, but recovering from infidelity is actually a paradox, perhaps a catch-22. Let me explain.

Betrayed spouses who say "I want to go all in and try and save my marriage, I want to be able to say I tried my best", actually most likely are giving themselves the WORST chance of saving their relationship.

In the end, doing those things that seem right and try to play pick me or push their partner into doing and saying the things they need and want to hear, actually will find they have reconciled not with a willing partner, but instead with themselves. Most likely the cheater just sees it as a chance to take things underground with their AP, as the betrayed wastes their time.

Actually your one month timeframe is not nearly enough as honestly he can’t do a damn thing for you while he still has her in her Heart. Anything he does will be inauthentic as he works with you while he still is pining for her. He can’t just turn it off like that. He can stop talking to her in and out of work, but he can’t just stop thinking of her.

What you need is for him to truly see her as a piece of shit who helped him emotionally wound the woman he vowed to love honor cherish and protect. Honestly that takes months if not years of analysis to achieve, especially when you know he still has those positive feelings for her.

No what actually gives the best chance at saving the marriage ironically also gives the best chance of ending it. It’s to end discussions and move toward divorce. He broke his vows. In a literal world that means the marriage actually ended when he fell in love with her and chose to cheat. So actually for you to make the move toward legally ending it, in my opinion, gives you the best chance down the line to save it.

There is a saying here "in order to save the marriage you have to be willing to lose it."

So if I can make up numbers here, if what you are doing gives you a 10% of rebuilding your relationship because he is still in love with her and only trying with you for a short period of time while he still sees her every day. Instead taking a hardline may give you a 30-40% of ending up together and happy again because you are showing him the true ramifications of the choice he is making with keeping her in his heart and not truly working on what is broken in him with an individual therapist.

In both cases you are more likely to end up divorced. But less likely if you take a hardline saying you’re not willing to work on anything until he works to fix himself, get her out of his life including no longer working with her, and seeing her for the crap person she really is.

Quite a paradox huh. At least by taking the latter approach you won’t be wasting your time trying to reconcile with someone who still loves and desires someone else. Until he sees you as his true one and only you minimize any chance you have at real reconciliation. It’s wasted work toward saving things.

Please just think about it and consider changing the path you are on. At the very least you’ll be more aware that there are alternatives that could leave you with better self respect and perhaps a real chance at a true building of a new relationship.

Or he will expose himself as the true idiot he is and you can move on knowing that he wasn’t in it to begin with and would have been faking it all thru that month and beyond.

Thanks for considering what I have written.

yes, they are co-workers. Same department but different sort of areas, however they need to interact every day. He's only there in person 3 days a week, but often has to communicate information about work related things even if he's not.

I have no idea who at the work knows. He said that at least 2 other people know because her friend tried to stop her and then shunned her when she did, and the other guy just told them point blank. They were flirty enough before that people had been joking about it ahead of time with them.

As for work, I'm hesitant to share about all the details, however it's seasonal so it ends in October / early November. He's already asked me in one of his upswings of pro-us if we can survive without the income from that place.

She isn't married. She was in an abusive marriage for years but isn't married.

I hear you. I'm trying to make it stick in my head and maybe my head is broken too much right now, but I hear you.

I've told him that if he does decide her that I won't be the fall back if it goes wrong. He said he knows.

Regardless, I'm happy that he told me this morning that he had told her he was committing to working on us. At least that is good? Right? First step?

I tried the "You need to do xyz." thing with the no contact and he balked. Regardless of the situation, he doesn't take direct "orders" well. But I think that they are sinking in.

We will continue. I ate both a breakfast and a lunch today, did some exercises and some personal affirmations - spent some time with some of the kids playing video games, and now I'm going to take myself out and go for a walk alone.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I'm trying to listen.

I'm sorry you are here. My WH had a workplace A also, with a very broken and needy AP (who was also married) and my WH also thought she was his "salvation" and honestly it rarely works out in the BS's favor. I am one of the few stories on here where the WH and AP still work together and the A ended...and it took 1.5 YEARS to end after d-day 1. The A ended UGLY with a lot of workplace backlash - WH hates seeing her at work and changed his schedule to one that is not nearly as nice just so he could be on different schedules and see her like 1 time a week for 5 minutes or so. So I had over a year of false-R (A still ongoing and being lied to about it), which is a hell that I would not wish upon anyone. And WH now hates his job more than ever - and it took 5 years for us to get to this point. Continued contact is very very very hard to deal with and the A rarely ends at discovery. It is a horrible place to be as a BS.

If I could go back in time I would do this from the get go:

I’d let him know that while he still is working with, seeing and pining away for someone else, that you will be working with your own individual therapist and talking to a lawyer about what divorce looks like, in order to start the work to heal from his infidelity on your own.

I would tell the marriage counselor that as well. That type of counseling usually doesn’t help at all if the cheating partner is not all in and taking concrete steps to eliminate his affair partner not just your lives but his heart and head as well.

There are countless stories of WS lying to the counselor about all kinds of things including claiming no contact with the AP. We did not do MC but instead I insisted on he doing IC - which he did, but he lied to that counselor too, spending the majority of his time bashing me and taking about why the AP was so much better for him (yet lying about not talking with her). He has since admitted this (5 years later) and that he was frustrated with the counselor for talking to him about the AP being fantasy and trying to talk about why my WH made the decisions he did. I was invited to one session with WH and his IC back then and it became clear that WH had not told his counselor like 90% of what had really happened. He had not mentioned that AP had been contacting me and sending me shitty messages about how I had ruined her son's life, blah blah blah. He had not told his counselor he had indeed talked with the AP several times in the work parking lot to tell her to leave him alone (this was during a 3-month period where he actually did cut off contact with her and was actively blocking her, which also facilitated her reaching out to me in anger). He had not told his counselor all the things I had been doing. It was clear that all he did was go to those sessions, bitch about me, and nod his head in false agreement with the advice about his fantasy-land thoughts.

The moral is that until your WS wants to go to counseling - to figure out why they have done what they have done, counseling is of little use, especially in the moment.

There is NO good reason to cheat. There are lots of great reasons to leave a marriage. If these things were so important to your WS he could have separated, talked to you about separating, left...whatever. What he did chose to do was not involve you at all - cheating is akin to abandonment except the BS does not know they have been abandoned - its a massive trick. You could be an abusive lunatic - cheating does not resolve that or in any way change that. Honestly I don't care what your WS's reasons are...and you shouldn't either. WH has been in therapy for 4 years now, and he will readily admit that all those things he said to appease me in the beginning were: 1) because he is conflict avoidant and didn't want to deal with my emotional aftermath if he said he was leaving - he was in a way hoping I would just say I was leaving and go without the A coming up at all - then he wasn't the bad guy (in fact he could be the victim - I left him), 2) because he wasn't really sure that AP was the magical solution to all of his problems as he did realize that the fantasy-land he imagined for them was not really based 100% in reality, and 3) because he was not 100% sure he would be happier without me. What those reasons indicate is his desire to NOT make a decision.

I am guessing your WS is in the same boat - in that 1 or 2 of the reasons listed above are his too. So going to MC is NOT going to help with those issues - like at all. The last thing you want to is play the pick-me dance with the help of a counselor. If the counselor takes "your side" your WS can just think more about how he is being railroaded into something he does not want - and that he is the victim and he and the AP are now the team on the other side of you and the counselor. Basically, it inadvertently makes WS and AP a team against you. Or, he uses the opportunity to vent about you - you are the cause of his need to go elsewhere - so now he's again the victim.

My WH thrived on being the victim - it gave him the justification he needed to keep doing what he was doing, and honestly to be a bigger asshole than he was during the undiscovered A. The sooner you take yourself out the current equation - e.g. I will not be participating in discussions with you when I am in some competition I didn't agree to with someone else - the better for YOU. In other words, my marriage is not a game, and what you are doing is - I am not interested in playing. If you want to continue being married to me you need to work on yourself first to make me feel like you are a suitable partner to proceed with going forward, and you sitting around trying to choose between me and her is insulting and unacceptable.

Will your WS magically decide to come back to you then? Will that be enough for them to see the light? Who knows - maybe, or maybe not. It can definitely go both ways. But what WILL happen is that you are moving toward getting out of infidelity. And I cannot tell you how much I wish I had not taken the path I did - the harm to ME was so profound, and all of my waiting and wishing and hoping was for nothing. When you are dealing with someone who thinks they want someone else, "fighting" for their return to you is a losing game. Don't play it.

And finally, I know this is easier said then done. I know because I didn't do it myself. You can't control anyone but you - make yourself Plan A.

EDIT: You said:

I refuse to just turn my back and shut him out completely. I can't.

Reframe this - you are not shutting him out by doing what everyone is suggesting. You are giving him a choice, to shut out the A and fight for you (as trust me, it's fresh right now, but there will come a point where you wonder if you really want to be with someone who betrayed you in this way and he is going to need to work like hell - or should - to help you decide you do) or let you go in peace. You are kicking infidelity out of your life - that is the only shutting out you are doing by taking a stand and meaning it.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:11 PM, Friday, August 16th]

Reconciliation is very difficult even when both are all in. IC may help your WH decide what he is going to do, it sounds like he is not commited to trying to heal the relationship yet.

The book suggested, How to Help You Spouse ...., is a good read for both.

I could not have reconciled if my WH worked, talked daily, with AP. No contact is pretty important to healing.

Take care of yourself, your kids, protect yourself. See an attorney now in case it heads that way in the future.

Hi, so sorry you find yourself here.

Just curious, is there a reason your husband confessed? Did someone who knows about the affair threaten him they'd tell you themselves? IMO waywards rarely confess unless they are forced to do so for some reason.

It must be so emotionally difficult for you to know they are still working together. Is it possible for your husband to request a transfer or look for another job?

My husband had an A with a co-worker who worked in an office 3,000 miles across the country. He had to travel there several times a year. There was no way in hell I'd tolerate any more contact so he stopped almost all travel and never went back to her location except once when I went with him (he didn't have to go into her building, another site about 30 miles away).

My husband also found another job because he understood he could no longer do his job to the best of his ability. He did find a job, a better job, several months later. Even though he was away from his affair partner, the trust was still gone and it took years of complete transparency for me to trust he would never do this again.

I hope your IC is helpful in giving you courage to move forward whether your marriage survives or not.

Also keep in mind cheaters lie, all of them. Are you convinced he actually told her, just want to throw it out there, he could be lying and they could be taking the affair underground.

Your husband put himself in a dangerous position by having an A with a co-worker, I hope he understands if he is truly committed to you and your marriage, the OW could make life extremely difficult for him at his job.

There's a great book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It's a must read.

He told me because he felt that I deserved to know that he hadn't been honest or faithful to me. He said it wasn't guilt but I'm not fully sure why other than that. They had been having what I consider inappropriate interactions (like emotional conversations, etc) since the season started. It ramped up at the end of June when she had an emergency crisis - which was a seriously big one and he was worried about her. He ran to her and didn't let me come with him and he should have. He talked to me through it all as he went to help her out. But a friend of his died and he spiraled out of control. They didn't sleep together until the middle of June when I was away with the kids and he was in the pit of darkness. It happened for 3 weeks and then he told me.

I am convinced he told her. I truly do. But I am not convinced that means that he has cut ties.

In the quiet hours, when we are still and calm and I can see that the rational side is out, he tells me that he hates what he's done to her, that she was damaged and all he wanted to do was love her as a friend so that she could recover and now look what he's done. He regrets that.

And he is sincerely worried about me and my health. This has been a rough week. He's literally had to pick me up off the floor because I couldn't physically move anymore. He knows that he has caused this in me.

I just discovered he has changed his password on his phone though, because he knows I went in the other day and took a pic of her contact info. (I never read any of his text messages though.)

So trying to focus on me.

I found a divorce lawyer that I can contact and will probably do that tomorrow to find out if or how much the cost would be just to find out more. Holy fk that hurts. At least I will have power.

And I'm going to tell him that I'm focusing on me while he figures things out. That I think he needs to talk to someone that we trust as well as a counsellor. And that I'm happy to be with him as he figures it out, but if he isn't willing to make a decision, isn't willing to cut the ties and walk away, then I'm ready to go. I just don't know how to do it in a way that makes him feel that I don't love him anymore and want him to leave. His self-esteem is shit already.

[This message edited by LostSquid at 10:18 PM, Friday, August 16th]

just discovered he has changed his password on his phone though, because he knows I went in the other day and took a pic of her contact info. (I never read any of his text messages though.)

^^^HUGE red flag. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. He has to be completely transparent giving you access to everything. IMO if he's still hiding things, he's not a great candidate for reconciliation.

he tells me that he hates what he's done to her,

^^^Another red flag, she knew he was married, she went into this willingly, he's not her KISA to rescue her from her problems. His focus should be on your pain, she should not be a concern for him at all.