SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey guys. This is my first post here on the forums. Unfortunately, I am the wayward. BP and I have been together for 3 years and lived together for most of our relationship. We are currently split up but trying to work towards reconciliation. After DDay I was put into a psychiatric ward and shortly after diagnosed with bipolar disorder after an attempt on my life after BP left. I have since been in therapy and regularly keeping up with my medication for my bipolar. It doesn't excuse it or help it, but during my affair I was manic, undiagnosed, and unmedicated and our relationship was not the best at the time. My BP has always been extremely emotionally unavailable. I have tried to help him during my infidelity but during our "talks" about the relationship before the A he would shut down on me and it would trigger me heavily & I would end up raising my voice at him. He told me he never wanted to open up after a while because he was worried I was going to yell at him.

I have struggled very heavily with mental illness for the entirety of my teenage and adult life. I have a LOT of unhealed trauma and hurt in my heart. During the time of my EA I was in the depths of my first manic episode. It does not excuse my bad behavior. But it is a reason.

BP and I have both hurt each other. But my betrayal is so much worse...

We have a strict no-porn boundary set by me. He promised me he didn't watch it and I ended up catching him several different times and hiding it from me. I was broken. I had a lot of pent up resentment because BP never really apologized or helped me heal from his betrayal. But, we worked through it. And I forgave him. Or so I thought.. And here we are.

I had an affair with a man from a different country. We are 4 1/2 months post DDay.

AP and I exchanged nudes/sexted, and I leaned onto him emotionally. I basically replaced my BP with this man. We talked for about a week.

I ignored my BP for a month before the EA started. I was fed up with him shutting down on me and basically felt like talking about our issues was leading us to nowhere. Before DDay, the past 4-5 months I had been struggling heavily with suicidal thoughts and was very angry and had emotional outbursts, all the time. This stems a LOT from my bipolar disorder which we are working on managing now.

My father had just told me 1 month prior to EA that my mother has been struggling with confabulation and is at high risk for developing dementia as she grows older. She suffered a stroke when I was younger and started making up some insane stories. I went to go talk to BP about it but he just told me it would be fine. I got upset at BP and blew up on him. I was hurting so badly. That is when I begin to withdraw from BP.

Today, BP and I had a long talk. I have unfortunately been a BP at one point from my old relationship. I have tried every way to relate to my BP- but the degree of my betrayal is horrid.

BP mentioned to me today that during the affair- I was so mean to him. I said so many demeaning things, I treated him like garbage. He told me that I basically called him "worthless". I was taken aback. I know I treated him ill during that time. But I don't even remember the things I said or did to him during that time. BP said, I referred to him as my 'ex' to my AP while BP and I were still together. BP told me I basically belittled him to AP by doing that. I did not tell AP that I was in a relationship.

BP asked me if I ever thought about the things I said to AP. I try to block this out in my mind because the shame and disgust I feel when I read back at the messages haunt me.

I told him, "Yes. I do.. and I feel so disgusted."

He just opened up to me 4 months after DDay, that when he discovered what happened that it really fucked with him in the head. He told me that he felt suicidal and numb. That it messed with him so badly and I hurt him so badly. If he stayed living with me at that time, it would've gotten so much worse. He tells me it hurts so much to think about. I told him that I know it is hard to think about... but then he dropped on me that I basically fucked up his life.

I was quiet. I truly didn't know what to say.

I just kept telling him "I am sorry. I know the pain I caused you is unbearable. I want to help heal you- but I don't know what else to do." He went to go hug me and I just couldn't hug him back. I was practically sobbing & curling myself up into a ball repeating "I'm sorry. It is not your fault. Please don't think it's your fault.. It's not your fault.. I'm sorry."

The pain I felt hearing his words made me so disgusted in myself. Like I wasn't worth his love. I know this is not good, but I can't help but want to just die knowing the pain I've caused him. It is NOT good to wallow in self-pity or shame.

I ask him what I can do to help him heal. He tells me that he isn't sure. That he can't heal with me because I was the person who caused him such pain. I told him that it is possible to heal together- but we both are going to want it.

He is still unsure of R. He tells me that he "hopefully" wants us to work in the future. He told me it isn't guaranteed that I won't cheat again. I told him, "That is not up for your decision, I know what I need to do. What you need to do is work on beginning to trust yourself again, I have to dig down and find out why I was so broken to hurt the person I love more than anything. And that's why I have been doing the things I have been- therapy, books, articles, forums, podcasts.. anything on infidelity. I am doing so much digging right now. That way so I can know why it happened and ways to prevent it from happening again. But I promise I will not hurt you like that ever again. I will do everything I can to prevent that & be a safe partner for you."

I know a LOT of it has to deal with needing external validation & low self-esteem & a lot of resentment built up in the relationship.

I don't know what to do. What can I do to help BP heal?! He says what I said to AP is what scars him the most. I'm so stuck.

[This message edited by tokyohsworld at 9:29 AM, Saturday, August 17th]

The best thing you can do in the situation is focus on your own mental health and recovery. The more you lean into that the more you willl be able to take in on how to help him.

You are filled with shame, but you need to see that shame is a useless thing. It’s not an emotion it’s a belief, and it resides at the core of who you are. Guilt is an emotion that says "I feel bad for what I did" shame says "I am bad". And then all the things we do and think flow from believing you are bad, worthless, etc.

Shame blocks true connection because inherently you are self protective, you are hiding in a sense. And it makes you unable to experience their love because you can’t believe it could be real. It makes it hard to blow vulnerable. And this just grows a bigger and bigger void.

In many ways your anger towards him is conceived by this. You need him to love you so you can feel whole. But you need to feel whole so you can believe someone loves you.

And because you are so lost in your pain surrounding this, it makes him feel unseen in it. Your emotions stemming from your shame are so overwhelming you can’t let anything else in. Instead of feeling comforted, he is made to feel sorry for you because of your extreme lack emotional episodes. I am not saying that to shame you further but early after my dday, I learned that what was happening in our situation too.

A great book that helped me with that was "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown.

I commend you for not blaming your affair on a manic episode. I too was having a mental health crisis at the time of my affair- emotional exhaustion which is what they used to call a nervous breakdown. But recognizing that there are so many other factors that go into an affair is so important. Addressing as much of those factors is key.

The more you focus on your recovery over healing the relationship the more stable you will become. Think of this more as - how can I become the person I want to be? How to I learn to love myself so that the well of love that flows to others is pure? How can I best redeem myself to myself?

You are divinely loved and inherently worthy. You have made some terrible decisions, as have I. But by working on yourself you will begin to gain an understanding you don’t have to be defined by this forever. I think that what often can heal a relationship after infidelity is that growth will be evident to the other person, they will slowly begin to see you as reliable, and someone they can lean on. It’s not something you can fake, and it takes time to do it. It’s actions over words, and putting one foot in front of the other.

I know this is an extremely painful time you are at your lowest point of your life. I have been there. It was absolutely the worst thing to be inside my head. I wanted to die but I have kids and I wouldn’t do that to them or my husband, what an awful thing for them to have to live after. But the pain was deep, overwhelming and all consuming.

So the next part is going to feel silly or unhelpful. But when we learn to live ourselves we have to do that through actions as well. It’s how it’s built. So you need to do some things to help get yourself to a higher plain. Here are my recommendations:

1. Exercise. Take walks on nature. Your brain needs some happy chemicals and those two things can help stabilize your mood. I took up running even though I had never done it in my life. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and helped me burn off anxiety and stress.

2. Try to get in a good routine. Focus on eating and sleeping well.

3. Try to spend some time engaging in passions. When we can lose ourselves in something we enjoy we learn to let our minds rest. And it will become something you can tap into.

4. Make a gratitude practice. Spend 5-10 minutes a day thinking about at least three things that you are deeply grateful for. Really do a on why you love it this one is super hard to do at first and seems silly. But, studies show that in little as 21 days this starts to rewire your brain. You start looking for the hood so you have these things for your practice. And eventually you will notice that you experience these things more mindfully and they begin to spark joy for you.

5. Go to therapy, read, and learn that we shouldn’t believe all our thoughts. Everyone has thought distortion but people like you and I have it in greater quantities.

That’s enough to start. But in order to love a person, you do have to start with you. And I feel like my entire life that was just something people say. It’s not, it’s a real thing here. You were needing validation from this other person because you haven’t learned to give it to yourself. If you learn to give it to yourself, you will always have it.

The last thing- it’s the hardest thing- you have to loosen your grip on the outcome of this relationship. I don’t mean don’t try- you definitely should try. I mean recognize you are not in control of it, and that you should not try to control it. It creates desperation that blocks the healing that you need to do. It makes you want to do things to manipulate it. And I don’t mean manipulate it in an evil way, it’s a human thing to try and get it to go the way you want. Just know you can only control YOU. And gain the confidence that if you can’t work it out between you that you will eventually be okay and life will go on. You will find approaching it with any other attitude will hold you back from getting the very things you want.

I hope this helps. I know you are in a lot of pain. But life can and does get better eventually and when that happens you will emerge wiser, happier, more compassionate, and a great parter for someone.

Thank you hikingout for the reply. I greatly do appreciate it. I will certainly pick up the book you have recommended to me.

My BP tells me he wants me to focus on myself and be happy with myself & I accept who I am. He really wants me to be happy. It hurts knowing that he is so great and I have treated him so ill. I guess that is what hurts the most. No matter what I put him through he still treats me with kindness.

I can understand what he is saying because you need to find that path no matter what. And of you think of it, he is telling you exactly what he wants to see happen because inherently he knows that nothing can move forward without that. Someone who is in balance and has themselves figured out is best for everyone in this scenario. The more you lean into that the more I think you will find you will be less stuck and your life will get better, even if it’s from the standpoint you are able to cope better.