SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out 3 weeks ago wife of 33yrs has been havingvan affair with her work colleague for over 18months .I found the evidence on her phonebwhilst using it to dial my phone .she had graphic videos of them both having sex along with pictures and text dating back to may this year .The sextoing referred to several points that was quite upsetting .one was her preference for black cock and how she wanted his babies .he would be asking her to send him graphic photos of her vagina which she did whilst we were outcon our wedding anniversary meal .she has been cruel to me these past two years .putting me down hardly talking to me .I've always put up with this as I have known no different. After finding this evidence I woke her from her sleep and confronted her .she just sat there with a blank expression saying sorry. She moved out that day July 20th and has now moved into her own rented flat .my two daughters want nothing to do with her .I have tried to explain it shouldntvreflect on their relationships but my youngest daughter gets married next year and the sexting referred to them saving up to leave their relevant others the day after the wedding. My wife has always been controlling but nowhere near on this level .I'm having really bad anxiety and mixed emotions I can't just shut off 33yrs together. I'm genuinely feeling true heartache .which doesn't help as I have had a prosthetic heart valve replaced 4 yrs ago .I know its early stages and I can't help still loving her how do I move on ?should I move on ? My life feels like it's ended .

Oh my goodness you are going through such heartache and your WW’s behaviour towards you has been as you say very cruel. I don’t have much advice as I am going through my own heartache 3 weeks since separation following WH multiple betrayals but I am
Literally just getting through each day, focusing on the light I have in my life which is my two boys my family my friends my career and trying to find strength. It sounds like it clearly being over might help you to process that this is the end but it certainly doesn’t make it easier. It’s completely okay for you to feel hopeless and sad please find comfort knowing that there are many of us here in some similar circumstances and you are not alone.

I'm so sorry this is happening, but it's a positive step that you found this community. There are some great resources in the Learning Library that will help you cope.
The first thing to consider is the immediately separate your finances. Your Soon-to-Be-Ex-Wife (STBXW) sounds like a monster and could easily try to drain all of your money now that the cat is out of the bag. Take care of yourself and your daughters economically as well as you can.
Read up on the 180/Grey Rock. Don't feed her ego and don't get drawn into her drama needlessly. Give yourself some emotional distance.
It's ok to grieve the marriage. This is likely an exit affair and the sooner you come to grips with it being over, the sooner you can heal.
Also, see a doctor immediately about your health. Try to get into individual counseling. Eat. Sleep. Drink water. Get to the gym. Don't neglect any aspect of your self-care.
You're going to be dealing with this for a long time, so be patient.
Stay strong.

Sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. Please read in the healing library and the pinned threads. You have received great advice so far. This is a time for you to look inward and take care of you. Be there for your children. Do not try and force them to have a relationship with your WW. That’s her responsibility. It sounds like you have been in an abusive relationship with your WW. Enough! I know you have been together a very long time, but you can’t control your WW. Take time to grieve, get into IC, and take time to do what you enjoy. Your WW has moved out. See an attorney and learn your rights, and protect your finances. Most importantly always value yourself. You are the prize. You deserve a faithful partner who loves you. If it were me I would have her served with D papers. If she did a huge change and worked on her brokenness you can always consider halting the D process, but that does not seem likely. Do not engage or argue with her. Go gray rock. Only communicate concerning D matters in writing. No contact is your best friend. Based on your description, if you continue to engage with her she will just try to hurt you over and over. You deserve better. Do not accept such treatment. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:38 AM, Sunday, August 18th]

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're joining us. We encourage be members to read the pinned posts at the top of the forum. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Please see your doctor and be tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there. If you're having trouble with depression, anxiety or sleeping, ask for meds because they can help you. It doesn't mean you'll be on them forever, but get the help you need.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can help.

FWIW, I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. If you've been M (married) 33 years and were 20 when you got married, she's 53. The probability of her getting pregnant naturally is almost 0%. They'd have to do in vitro fertilization (IVF) or use a surrogate. The AP was 54 in my sitch, and thought she was preggers so I looked it up.

Your life hasn't ended, but you will be in pain for awhile. Please take care of yourself and involve your medical care team in this crucial time.

You should also find out who the POS AP's wife is and let her know - it is the right thing to do.Lets see how attractive his black cock is once he is on the receiving end from his wife. Your wife is selfish, deceitful and was planning to surprise you in the worst possible way. Finally, if she earns the same as you there should be no alimony due to her and depending on where you live, this could be an "at fault" divorce. And yes, there is no doubt that you should be protecting your finance and assets in preparation for divorce.