SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,
I have just joined the site, and I think this is more of a reconciliation post than a 'just found out', but really it is just a garble of thoughts I need someone to empathise with.

A quick summary of my situation is that my 'full of integrity' husband of 21 years cheated on me in January. He deliberately went online to find a married woman for a one-night stand (booking a night away with her and planning it for a few weeks - so not a spur-of-the moment thing). I found out after he was behaving particularly neglectfully and verbally abusively to me - ironically calling me 'disgusting' and 'a liar'; I checked his phone and found some damning evidence of him sleeping around.

Apparently, this was the one and only time he had actually met up with someone, although he had had intimate chats with a number of other women in the search to find someone low enough and local enough to meet up with for sex.

Since D-Day, he has already made huge changes to the way he treats me and engages with me. There is no contempt anymore...at the moment. He has read several books on infidelity and is acting on their advice. He has given me complete access to his phone and tech. He is having and acting on counselling. In those things, there is nothing else he can do other than be consistent in continuing this behaviour.

He says that when he planned and carried out the infidelity, he was in a dreadful hole of depression and 'crisis'; for what it is worth, this is true - he had experienced a barrage of traumatic experiences (I was at his side through them!) and no matter what I did to try to help, nothing worked. Only the buzz of internet dating seemed enough for him, and he had lots of contempt for me. I think he 'discovered' the idea of polyamory (although I think he really means promiscuity, as there isn't much to do with love in his thinking) and felt that I was from a time-warp for respecting and expecting monogamy.

At the moment, he remains very, very depressed. He has been suicidal at times. What I am unsure of is whether a) he is just still depressed from the depression he already had combined, now, with having acted like an immoral piece of crap or b) he is depressed because he has verbally committed to being with me (which he know means monogamy) but ultimately wants to sleep with other people for the variety. He says that he is committed to me and is now horrified and sickened at the idea of doing what he did ever again. However, I am torn up by not knowing where his 'true sexual calling' lies. I know no one can answer this - not even him at the moment, probably - but I just needed to express this sense that I feel I will never be enough. Can people feel that they are designed for 'polyamory' and then realise they are not?

Also, how much do I support him whilst he is seriously depressed, given that I am also in pain myself? I feel that I am numbing my own pain, caused by him, in order to help him!

My other question is - should I search for the AP? I genuinely believe that my husband does not know her actual name, and he has erased all contact details (I do believe him; his whole intention was to have a 'just sex' experience); he has offered to search for her to put my mind at ease (!!!!). Half of me wants to find her as I feel she has a power over me whilst she knows who I am and I do not know who she is, but the other half thinks that things are better left unexplored (let sleeping dogs lie - almost literally). Any advice welcomed. Thanks!

Hi! Welcome to SI! I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but glad that you found us.

Apparently, this was the one and only time he had actually met up with someone

It could be, or he could be lying and minimizing. Some people here will recommend a polygraph to get at the truth, and I think I'd absolutely require one in this instance.

How did you find out? Did he confess, or did you catch him? IMO, that makes a big difference in whether or not you can trust what he's saying.

I think he 'discovered' the idea of polyamory (although I think he really means promiscuity, as there isn't much to do with love in his thinking) and felt that I was from a time-warp for respecting and expecting monogamy.

Did he say something to this effect, or are you assuming it? What he did isn't polyamory because he didn't discuss it with you and get your consent to open the marriage. He's just a plain old garden variety cheater who trolled the internet to find some strange.

I am torn up by not knowing where his 'true sexual calling' lies. I know no one can answer this - not even him at the moment, probably - but I just needed to express this sense that I feel I will never be enough.

I can relate to your experience quite a bit. My H's second A was with a woman he found in a local chat room of people looking for no-strings-attached (NSA) sex. He snuck out after the kids and I had fallen asleep, met her at a fast food restaurant in the middle of the night, worked out the details, and then met her several times at her house for sex, sneaking out every time. He says he only knew her first name. By the time I found out about it, a few years had passed and he said he no longer remembered where she lived.

Like you, I wondered if I could ever be enough. I wondered what the AP knew about him, and if she knew who I was. Did your H share his information with his ONS? He doesn't know her last name; does she know his? In my case, the AP was single, so I was the only one getting hurt. In your case, though, it sounds like the AP is married. I think maybe I'd ask that question on a polygraph, too. He could be lying about knowing who she is to keep you from telling the other betrayed spouse (OBS) and having to face the repercussions.

Also, how much do I support him whilst he is seriously depressed, given that I am also in pain myself? I feel that I am numbing my own pain, caused by him, in order to help him!

Always put on your own oxygen mask first. He needs a therapist/psychiatrist immediately, especially since he's suicidal, and should be leaning on the therapist for help. I would make having a therapist, and seeing them regularly, a requirement of staying married. You can't carry the load of your pain and his as well. He needs a professional for this.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:04 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

Welcome and sorry you are here.

My advice to you is hard for a betrayed to take, but I'll give it anyway. You need to detach some from him.

I'm not saying the full 180 or even anything like that but you are playing the role of therapist right now. You are analyzing him, supporting him, suppressing your own needs for him, etc. This is not a recipe for recovery nor reconciliation. It's more of the same: his needs supercede yours and you continue to suffer.

He may have depression and it might be for a variety of reasons, some of which he may not even be able to pinpoint right now. That is his work with his trained professional therapist. You can encourage him of course but that is his work to do. Not yours.

The bottom line is that his depression kicked you in the face. There is no excuse for that. You should not have had to suffer because he was in pain. So he needs to resolve his pain.

You need to resolve yours. Hopefully you are in IC as well and have support as you navigate YOUR feelings, YOUR future and YOUR desires for marriage.

And no matter his condition, your needs still matter. If monogamy is your bottom line then he agrees or he moves on. Give him space to heal (and learn himself) but don't settle for less than what YOU need to heal and move forward in this marriage.

Suppressing yourself will lead to the end of the marriage eventually. Your pain will ripen to rage, then disdain, then ... indifference. If you want to ultimately save your marriage (and he steps up and commits to the same) you have to make room for yourself in the marriage. Your pain matters. Talk when you need to. Have the hard conversations. Be your authentic self. If he can't handle it, better to find out now than 3 years from now.

Thanks so much for your replies and advice so far. Really appreciated!

How did you find out? Did he confess, or did you catch him? IMO, that makes a big difference in whether or not you can trust what he's saying.

I found out because he was acting dreadfully to me and had stopped having sex with me when he was planning it and after the event (he even had the audacity to suggest he might have cancer as a reason he wasn't able to have sex with me). My gut 'knew' the moment I saw his face after his night away, but I only checked his phone a few weeks later when his behaviour towards me had become utterly unbearable. I confronted him immediately after finding evidence (probably not the best step) and he admitted most of the details immediately, although he minimised a number of things about the actual meet-up. He read 'How to Help...' and since then has, I genuinely think, told the truth and been patient with my questions. That book has been a real game-changer in terms of 'getting it'.

Did he say something to this effect, or are you assuming it? What he did isn't polyamory because he didn't discuss it with you and get your consent to open the marriage. He's just a plain old garden variety cheater who trolled the internet to find some strange.

I totally agree that this isn't polyamory or an open marriage - thank you for validating my interpretation of those terms, neither of which I have a problem with as a choice for other people. A few months before his meet up, he had gone on hook-up sites and even left the house to meet someone, only to get cold feet and show me his activity online voluntarily. He had talked a few times about regretting having limited sexual encounters before we were married, seeing me as having had much more experience (who cares?!). I now feel both of these things were ways of him broaching the idea of an 'open'(unilateral!) marriage in a manipulative and unhealthy way - almost like a threat. He knew my feelings about this (monogamy is what I value). At this point, he swore he would never do anything. However, just a month later, after an argument, he had 'met' the AP online and was planning the meet up. This was totally hidden from me (although his behaviour was neglectful and contemptuous). He has said that he actively tried to construct a 'just sex' bubble, and meeting a married person (I still think this was particularly immoral) was designed to keep each other confidential. Everything in his tech records accords with his tale, even though I did catch him out on some things before he read 'How to Help...'. I do think he has been 'honest' since having read 'How to Help'. Some things, which I had originally asked (such as more explicit sexual stuff), I have decided not to re-ask as I feel I don't need to know such intimate details at this stage given where I am in my healing. I have realised that, for me, such stuff won't give me the answers I actually want, which are the big 'whys' and 'what nows'.

Like you, I wondered if I could ever be enough. I wondered what the AP knew about him, and if she knew who I was. Did your H share his information with his ONS? He doesn't know her last name; does she know his? In my case, the AP was single, so I was the only one getting hurt. In your case, though, it sounds like the AP is married. I think maybe I'd ask that question on a polygraph, too. He could be lying about knowing who she is to keep you from telling the other betrayed spouse (OBS) and having to face the repercussions.

He stupidly gave his real name and details, and he has a relatively public profile online -which includes pictures of us together, which is why I feel so exposed; I know she has looked me up on LinkedIn, because I know where she works - it is a huge organisation, so not 'searchable'. I genuinely think he didn't know her real name, as he told me her name and then was visibly horrified that I might contact her/her husband. I am pretty sure that the name she used was just a username - I tried obsessively to find her in the first few weeks, but there is absolutely no trace of her. The name she used was that of a minor actress from tv. In terms of why I want/ed to find her: 'justice' and to try to convince myself I am more desirable than her (yes, I am aware that sounds pathetic). He has said repeatedly that there were absolutely no comparisons other than ones to my benefit (of course, he would say that, and the big comparison was that she was willing to do what I would never do, which is the biggest boost to my ego). However, I am trying to figure out if I should expend any more energy on trying to find her; much as I would love to punch her in the face and call her horrible things (I wouldn't actually), I feel that, again, the 'why' and 'what now' is directed at my husband, and I would not ultimately get 'answers'. If he seriously traded down, like he says, it won't make me feel better that he acted as he did. I don't know if one would ever feel 'justice' knowing who it was and having the power to potentially contact her...But perhaps some of you have found some restitution of the power balance by knowing?

Regarding the depression, I have decided I shall set some clear limits about what I will/can help with and what I won't, and what I will accept and what I won't. It is probably wrong, but I have started calling him out when I think he has been manipulative of me in this regard. He has just agreed to get medical help, which is a huge step in him taking some ownership over the bigger issues. I think the problem is that it is hard, when face with someone I still care deeply about, to see him in such anguish. I have expressed my own anger and upset, and he is open to talking about the infidelity whenever, but I still seem to be expending lots of mental time wondering how to help him.

Thanks so much for listening. Sorry that I use lots of brackets!

I know she has looked me up on LinkedIn, because I know where she works - it is a huge organisation, so not 'searchable'. I genuinely think he didn't know her real name, as he told me her name...

I'm curious how you know where she works and that she looked you up?

...and then was visibly horrified that I might contact her/her husband.

Color me skeptical. Your H has good reason to play dumb. Honestly, I still question whether my H truly didn't remember the details surrounding his similar A.

It might be for the best that you don't have a visual to compare yourself to. Even if she was a troll, and even knowing that all she was was a willing co-conspirator, you'd still be comparing yourself to her. It's what we humans do, try as we might not to. I was one who had to have ALL the details, so I understand if you need to find out who she is, especially since she knows who you are.

It is probably wrong, but I have started calling him out when I think he has been manipulative of me in this regard.

Has he ever been severely depressed or suicidal before? It could very well be manipulation to try to temper your reaction.

Very sorry you are going through this. Sending strength and support. You should be taking care of you. You have suffered a huge trauma from your WH’s infidelity. Do get into IC for you. Eat healthy. Exercise. Pursue your interests. You were always enough. You are the prize. No anonymous online AP can measure up to you. Lots of people suffer from depression and never cheat on their spouse. Your WH wanted NSA sex outside of his M for his own selfish reasons. Based on your description he is not polyamorous. Apparently he believed he should have had more sexual experiences before marriage. Poor baby! Tough! His marriage vows to you, we’re not suggestions! He acted terribly and caused you much pain in the process. This is not a case where the WS is attracted to a coworker or some acquaintance and begins a limerant A. This is cold and calculated infidelity. Always value yourself.

Hold your head up. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused him to cheat. He needs to pursue all medical avenues to deal with his depression. He needs to pursue IC to learn how he became so selfish and broken to allow himself to betray his BS. I would not give two thoughts to the AP. If there was some way to find her OBS and let him know that his WW is setting up sex dates with married men online, exposing him to all manner of STDs it would be great to warn him.

Wishing you the best.

I am so sorry for what you have been out through....betrayal is utterly horrible. Now I say this without hesitation....he is NOT depressed because of monogamy.

He is depressed likely because he is not in God's will, or other reasons, but definatly not because of you or because he "is not right" for monogamy.

Monogamy, especially when done right, is what we were designed for.

Thanks so much, all of you, for your responses and support. Here are some responses to your kind and wise responses.

I'm curious how you know where she works and that she looked you up?

He knows which organisation she works for (its basically a government agency, so very large). However, I don't get many Linkedin searches on me - one of the only ones is from someone in that agency (and there would be no need for that agency to search me otherwise).

Color me skeptical. Your H has good reason to play dumb. Honestly, I still question whether my H truly didn't remember the details surrounding his similar A.

It might be for the best that you don't have a visual to compare yourself to. Even if she was a troll, and even knowing that all she was was a willing co-conspirator, you'd still be comparing yourself to her. It's what we humans do, try as we might not to. I was one who had to have ALL the details, so I understand if you need to find out who she is, especially since she knows who you are.

Yes, I totally agree with this. I go through phases of not wanting to expend my precious life on her (which is becoming more the case as time goes on - she certainly gave no thought to me) and phases of wanting to go and wreck her life as she has contributed to wrecking mine (although, ultimately, the blame is with my husband). Yes, I also think her BH should know, but that is another topic again... It is more, now, that I feel she has 'got away with it' and is continuing to lie to her husband and family, and I imagine her sitting smugly messaging other husbands, whilst their wives are at their wits end or neglected. I also have moments of wondering, as I pass women in the street, if each person is 'her'... I never used to be paranoid! I am kind of hoping that her BS finds out and comes and punches my WH in the nose. Publicly. Not a very civilised wish, but... After all, my WH knows he has not got away with it with me, but he gives no thought to being confronted by OBS.

His marriage vows to you, we’re not suggestions!

Love this!

He is depressed likely because he is not in God's will, or other reasons, but definatly not because of you or because he "is not right" for monogamy.

Yes. He is partly depressed due to losing two parents, so I think that is the root cause, but he has added to it by behaving in a way which is ultimately against his inherent morals and not being the man he thought he was. He really has thought of himself as someone with integrity until this point. My hope is that this is how he wants to now be seen in my eyes as he works on himself and us.
He has definitely had a mid-life crisis, questioning everything he has invested in. That is not a justification AT ALL (and he doesn't say it is), but it has called him to consider whether life with just me is enough. That's his decision, but he needs to make it ethically and without the confusion of infidelity. Oh, it's also my decision, if he doesn't get his act together (which he is working very hard on ATM).

The bottom line is that his depression kicked you in the face. There is no excuse for that. You should not have had to suffer because he was in pain. So he needs to resolve his pain.

This is right. We have had MC since D-Day (yes, I know, I now realise that is the wrong-way round, but we have actually found it very useful). I think he is starting to realise that IC would be helpful. How do I suggest that IC is the better option for him at the moment, if the MC is actually doing well?

Sorry, very long-winded. Realised how supported it feels to have somewhere to wonder aloud. Thank you.

His depression is his problem, not yours. You may be able to support him emotionally, but he's the only one who get non-depressed. So what is he doing to help himself - meds, therapy, exercise?

Depression may be the reason he cheated, but it's not an excuse. My reco is require him to get help if he hasn't done so yet.

And no matter what enabled him to cheat, he's dumped you into immense pain. Your best approach is to acknowledge your own pain, because you're the only one who can process it. Your WS needs help; you may need it, too. Do not sacrifice yourself because your partner is depressed.