SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post after finding out about this site this week. My wife and I have been together for 17 years and married for 13. We have one child (almost 7 years old). In 2012, I was disagnosed with late onset adult diabetes. I could not have imagined how life changing this diagnosis would become in my life. For the first few years it was manageable but as I was informed, this disease progressively gets worse and became very difficult to manage through medication alone (I was diagnosed as type 1.5 - neither type 1 or type 2).

In 2016 I started to have to make major life changes like no longer drinking beer or eating lots of the foods I loved. I found it to be devastating and began a downward spiral into depression. At the same time, my wife decided that she wanted more companionship and to start playing music (we are both musicians). I felt secure in our relationship and said it was ok for her to spend time with her ex boyfriend for those reasons. Oh, how I regret that decision.

After our child was born in late 2017, our relationship became very strained due to my wife having post partum depression and then in 2020 the death of her father and the pandemic. I had resorted to smoking marijuana at this point because I couldn’t have alcohol and began to use it to relieve my stress and anxiety. My wife had never cared about smoking MJ before but now wanted me to stop because it was becoming too frequent. She was right but I couldn’t stop and felt like she was controlling me. At this time I felt upset deep inside at her relationship with her ex which had grown to a best friend status but I was using MJ to keep my feelings suppressed.

Then in 2022-2023 they started spending pretty much all their time together. So much that people at my daughter’s school thought that he was my child’s father. My depression had gotten even worse and I stared therapy in late 2021 mostly because I couldn’t talk to my wife. My efforts paid off and I started to come out of the depression but my wife was now taking private vacations with the guy, going to concerts , and dinners with the guy and not spending any time with me. I asked her to get a babysitter so we could go out together instead of me staying home to take care of our kid while she did stuff with her "friend".

Finally, they went to England together to record and I saw a picture of them alone (they went two days early to London before the arrival of the rest of the band). Seeing them happy together there sent shockwaves of realization through me that this was not ok. They had been sleeping in the same bed multiple times (supposedly with pillows between them). I knew that I couldn’t have this anymore.

When my wife came home, I was angry, hurt, betrayed and unsure of what to do but not realizing why I really felt this way. I knew that things had to change and so I stopped smoking MJ and began to change. Weeks after, the wife came to me to say she and the guy were going to take another trip together. I finally confronted her that she was having an emotional affair and that these private vacations had to stop.

She couldn’t accept that is what is happening and said I’m just a good ol boy who doesn’t accept that a woman can be best friends with a man. I’m a feminist from way back and in places where it means something. This behavior has nothing to do with feminism. It has to do with her inability to keep appropriate boundaries.

After this, she has continued to be in the fog of denial. Blaming me for the loss of our relationship, finding things great and small that I did wrong (some even before our marriage) to justify her wanting to leave. In June, with help from her Mom, she finally moved out and since then we have been separated.

I have shared custody of our daughter 50/50 and that has been very hard as a little kid needs their mom. My wife still has most of her belongings in our shared home where I am living. She has never filed a change of address so I am still getting her mail. She is not working towards divorce and we have stopped couples counseling after trying two therapists. The last one was abusive to me and would not even try to get her to discuss her affair. She wanted to blame it on problems in our marriage which is probably partly true. I have told my wife I will not go to counseling any longer unless she is willing to actively work towards reconciliation.

Unfortunately, I am trapped in our house because I could not afford to buy a new home near our child’s school with half the proceeds from our house. I’m stuck in a limbo that could go on for years.

Does anyone have experience in a situation like this? I’m not sure about taking any advice as most the advice I have received has been bad. I want to reconcile but I think it will not happen at this point. I have made major changes in my life such as: stopping all MJ use and drinking, starting karate for my mental and physical health, getting a new job, continuing individual therapy, starting to meditate, working on mindfulness and being in the moment instead of in the past or future, pursuing my passion for music, accepting that I am type 1 diabetic and going on shots, and most importantly making my daughter the focus of my life. Self help books have been good and helpful but I still am grieving so heavily. It’s so hard to have my child constantly asking for her Mom and wanting to know why we are living like this while I’m also asking the same questions.

I appreciate your support.

[This message edited by LAguy74 at 9:48 PM, Saturday, November 16th]

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. We encourage new members to read the posts pinned at the top of the forum, as well as the ones with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is located at the top of the page and is full of excellent resources.

Kudos for getting off MJ and stopping drinking. That will be very helpful in your healing journey. IC is great and can help you work through the painful death of your M (marriage). There is a lot of grief involved and expect your emotions to be all over the place. My therapist and I went through The Grief Recovery Handbook, which really helped me to release a lot of the bad resentments I had.

Gently, if your WW (wayward wife) and her XBF (ex-boyfriend) were in the same bed, more than likely they also had sex. When there's an opportunity, they will be physical. You may wish to be tested for STDs/STIs to make sure that you haven't caught something that will turn nasty on you.

You can tell your DD (darling daughter) an age-appropriate answer as to why mom isn't there. Something along the lines of mommy broke an important promise that married people make to each other. Daddy is really hurt and needs some time to deal with it.

Again, sorry that you're here.

Thank you. Unfortunately, my wife refuses to admit or accept that she had and is still having an affair. It’s very difficult and frustrating. I am starting to realize that I will never receive the closure I deserve. For her, appearances are everything.

[This message edited by LAguy74 at 9:05 PM, Saturday, November 16th]

Whatever she is telling you is a lie. Teenagers may do what your wife claims, but Adults do not lay in bed doing nothing. They have sex.

With you two now being separated, it makes it difficult to confirm this. Maybe a PI can uncover something.

You are going through a wide range of emotions so IC is highly recommended.

Exercising is also helpful to help you sleep, and to help rebuild physically and emotionally.

Prayers and hugs to you going forward.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation.
You may still be "legally" married but you don't have a marriage anymore.
Your WW has decided that her AP is more important.
As for not sleeping together, unless he's gay, she's lying to you. You don't take vacations together and not have sex.

Maybe it's time to seek legal advice. This living in limbo will kill you.

I wish you luck.

What are your thoughts about initiating the D yourself? I understand that diabetes, the trauma of betrayal, fond memories/withdrawal from alcohol and weed are hard to deal with, but what's keeping you from taking action?

R takes 2. Your W can't R until and unless she admits to herself that she betrayed you and becomes willing to do the work necessary to redeem herself. You're already separated, so that aspect of D is already part of your life.

Your daughter needs healthy parents. A mom in denial isn't all that healthy, so you need to get healthy yourself. That means, IMO, focusing on yourself, not solely on your daughter. Of course you have to take care of her while she's with you, but you have to 'put your own oxygen mask on first.' The healthier you are, the better parent you'll be.

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. IMO, it doesn't matter if this is an EA or a PA - no matter what, you've been betrayed, and your W has moved out.

Time to act. If you can't bring yourself to file, my reco is to work on that in IC.

Or have I misread your sitch?

*****

Is it possible for your daughter to go to a school nearer to you? Did your W just take your daughter with her to her mom's?

Thanks for your reply. My feelings are very conflicted and though I know I need to move on and focus on my daughter and myself it is very difficult.

My reasons for not filing for divorce at this point are that I simply don’t have the money to pay for it. I may receive a bonus in March and then could proceed. I think I would probably start with formal separation as a first step while I keep paying on our mortgage by myself. My lawyer has advised me that I will be entitled to the equity for the months I pay alone. I really need to have as much equity from the house as possible as housing costs in my city are outrageous and even more so in the area where I live and my daughter goes to school.

I want to minimize the damage of the divorce to my daughter and keeping her in the home where she grew up (where I currently reside) and sending her to a school where she has lots of friends and feels safe and loved is so important. If I have to move my daughter would likely need to change schools as my daughters private school is in a very high traffic area of the city which is only a realistic commute for me due to where I live.

My wife could afford to let me have our home due to her wealthy family but she won’t do it. In fact her Mom bought her an expensive new home to live in cash! I’m not from a wealthy family and have always worked hard to make a great life for our family and myself. My wife always said that her family would take care of me and I didn’t need to stress about work or finances. I’m so thankful to myself now for never stopping my striving to grow as a person and professional as that will be my lifeline to my survival now. WS doesn’t seem to care how I and her daughter live without her. She’s lying to herself about her utter and complete selfishness just as she can’t face the truth of her "friendship" that replaced our marital bond.

I am continuing IC and am going to a new therapist that specializes in emotional affairs starting in January. I’m grappling with how to handle the holidays. My daughter’s birthday is coming soon and it will be a joint birthday with her mom because it has already been announced. However, I don’t think I can have joint holidays and pretend that we are still a family.

Due to the way WS set up our sharing schedule my daughter is with me for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had planned to let these be shared jointly but now I don’t think I can manage that emotionally. I’m not sure how to arrange it and have been considering Step 6 in the intro article on this site that says "time to show to show your partner the reality of the situation and what they will be missing without you in their life." It’s hard to figure out how to do that without hurting my poor daughter. I guess I can see it as an effect of the choices my wife made starting 8 years ago.

[This message edited by LAguy74 at 5:19 PM, Sunday, November 17th]

If you have been separated for Almost 5-6 months, I think it is time to be honest with your daughter and STBXW.

holidays like you had in the past are over unfortunately. But you and your daughter can start to make new traditions and do fun things, and when she sees her mom they will start their own holiday traditions.

I would suggest that you start with Christmas in separating out your family time. I say that b/c there are often multiple celebrations where everything doesn’t happen in the sane day, like Thanksgiving.

One parent gets Christmas Eve and one gets Christmas Day as an example. In my house Christmas Eve was always a bigger celebration, so choose the day that works best for you.

For Thanksgiving, I don’t have a suggestion but if you cannot endure seeing the STBXW then you can use the Marcia Brady line "something suddenly came up" like an illness and decline invites if the STBXW will be there. Send your daughter and you stay home.

strategize now to save yourself too much drama later. Unfortunately you need to take a stand that this is real and happening with the STBXW.

I hope this helps you.

LAGuy

You place a lot of emphasis on your daughter.
That’s great! Only make sure you know what is really important to her and what is secondary...

Changing homes, parents divorcing, changing school... these are all things kids deal with and manage. Yes – it impacts their lives, but with the correct guidance, upbringing and attitude these impacts can be minimized or even made positive. What tends to be more impactful and impossible to make positive is the loss of a parent.
That’s why I’m going to suggest you focus on YOUR health and YOUR diabetes. Use this opportunity – and your wife’s actions and enforced change of lifestyle is an opportunity – to reevaluate and refocus on your health. Start exercising, eating healthy, manage your sleep, clean up finances... whatever is needed to ensure that IF you need to change homes, IF your daughter needs to change school and WHEN you and WW divorce... your daughter has the healthiest and best-balanced version of her dad available.

Regarding your wife’s infidelity...
In CA it doesn’t matter...

Simple common sense tells us that she was having an affair by the time she went to England. Sleeping with pillows between them... But... it doesn’t matter regarding the outcome. It’s not grounds to file, won’t impact custody, wont’ impact division of assets... It simply won’t impact in any major way.
Either your wife and you both want to reconcile, or one or both of you don’t want to remain in this marriage.
For R you need both and you need commitment. For divorce it’s enough that one starts the process.

In some ways your wife’s parent "gift" can be an advantage to you... Still married, no formal separation...
You already have an attorney, so check with him about your rights and the legality of gifting someone a home. It generally (at least) has some tax-impact and might even be considered a marital asset. A judge might frown on such single-sided handing out of assets, and it could impact on what is seen as "fair" distribution of marital assets.
I encourage you to change the FEAR of your wife contesting a fair divorce into either the reality of the process being relatively fair, or the REALITY of your wife contesting a fair divorce. Don’t let the fear of the unknown dictate your pace.

Thanks for the feedback I have received. It is true that I have lots of fears about what this new life holds for me. I spoke to WS sister yesterday when she called me to express how she is worried about me. I have always found her to be a very kind and caring sister-in-law and great spouse and mother to my nephews.

Unfortunately, this interaction did not go well. I don’t think she can understand the grief I am experiencing losing my wife, in-law-family, and my loss of trust in my own parents due to their contributions to my divorce. I won’t go into how my parents actions damaged my marriage but take me seriously that I can see it now and have stopped talking to my mom and dad about matters related to my separation as they just can’t handle it and are partly to blame. So my grief has been very severe.

My wife and SIL (sister-in-law) are both trying to say that I am hurting my daughter due to my pain. I have done everything I can to shield her from it but she’s so smart and empathetic that she can see it.

Last weekend, these feelings escalated when my daughter told me that she thought at first she would like having two homes but now she doesn’t like it anymore. She said she wants mom to come home. I was devastated and we both cried together. I told her that I’m sorry about what is happening but that none of it is her fault and that we both love her. It’s just that mom needs space from dad. It’s so hard because a little kid needs their mom and she asked for her mom constantly from the moment I pick her up. It’s been over 5 months and it’s just getting worse how upset she is over not having her mom.

My wife set up our schedule and it goes her M-T, me W-TH, then we split every other F-S-Sun. This means that she is with one of us for 5 days at at time each week. It’s just too long for this poor little girl to be away from her mom. After talking with a divorced friend who gave me his suggestion, I offered that we should trade week days every week so that we would alternate. This way daughter would only spend 3 days with me. The wife refused because it makes her life harder. WTF!!! It’s all about HER and not the needs of our child.

My lawyer advised me to keep 50% custody to show that I can be a responsible parent and work to prevent any child custody payments if we get divorced (which seems very likely at this point). Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I appreciate your advice.

So sorry. I don't have advice on the parenting agreement because my boys were adults. Looking back, I should have D so much sooner. I can see where staying for so long has affected their lives.

It’s all about HER and not the needs of our child.

Cheaters are so incredibly selfish. If you can, offer to take your daughter more often to help your STBXWW (soon-to-be ex-wayward wife.) And document when you do. You may end up with more than 50% custody.

It will be rough on your daughter at first, but she will eventually adjust. Maybe IC for her to help her through this phase?