SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband is a closet drinker.
No one knows.
Even I question if he really is drinking or not. I feel crazy.

I found out September 4th about the other 26 year younger woman. Absolutely devastated.

We were trying to work through it.

Now he says he drinks because he never loved me and he stayed for the kids. (9 and 11)

I feel blindsided.
I don’t do anything…. And I lose my kids. Lose my house. Lose my husband.
EVERYTHING

I can’t survive this. I didn’t do anything and I lose my whole life. Why would GOD do this to me.

Please help. I can’t lose my kids 50/50. I would rather die.

I am sorry for you having to find this site and for the terrible situation you are facing.

First you are NOT losing your kids. If he is a closet or open drinker, his drinking will be his priority. Meaning the kids will fit in less and less to his lifestyle. Which means if his drinking escalated and he is not safe for kids to be around, you will see them more and more and maybe 100% until the drinking issue is addressed and things change.

Many cheaters claim "I never loved you". Absolute BS. They tell themselves anything they need to justify the affair. Of course it hurts - and I’d bet it’s just not true!!

I’d suggest you get yourself professional counseling and a good attorney. Start protecting yourself.

I’m basically copy/pasting from General. Want to add though that threatening and demanding divorce is not the same as DOING divorce. He can threaten and demand all day long, but it becomes reality when he walks into an attorneys office and does the necessary paperwork.

I’m guessing he hasn’t done that, and that’s because he isn’t really threatening to divorce... He’s demanding you a) don’t intervene in his drinking and b) don’t expect him to discuss the affair.

As long as you do nothing, he will be fine. You can have him around and have the kids all the time. Only be prepared to a lot of that time go into being disrespected and protecting your kids from their dad. With time they might get used to stuff like him missing pick-up times, missing PTA meetings, being late for dinner and being passed out on the couch.

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This is the copy/paste part...

I think you need to remove his threat. He doesn’t get to threaten divorce. You don’t even threaten divorce. You tell him that until he gets some control of his drinking – for example by committing to AA and sobriety for 6 months – there isn’t anything for you to "save". Divorce isn’t a threat – it’s an inevitable consequence based on decisions made – his decision to drink – your decision that active alcoholism will inevitably have you crashing into a wall. Might as well get off the ride now.

It's a process. Nothing happens instantaneously. You could ask him to go to couples therapy with you again to address some fundamental issues. No – not the affair.

There – in that safe environment – you tell him that his threats of divorce make you understand where his priorities lie, and that you would rather accept it’s over and get it done with rather than wait and allow him to sink deeper into his addiction. That he has a choice between sobriety or you moving further and faster away.

This isn’t a threat. You don’t just say this and hope he sobers up. But you don’t have to file today or tomorrow. You start right away learning and understanding the process, and you gradually move along on your path. If he responds positively you can slow down. But you always move on... His actions can impact the pace – but you are the one that decides if he’s done enough or not.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:04 PM, Monday, November 18th]

I’d like to point out the inconsistencies in cheating spouses.

My H told me that I did not love him, never loved him and married him for other reasons.

Hmmmm, I guess walking away from my family to marry him was not enough to show I loved him lol.

But three months later while he’s begging me to Reconcile he admitted he didn’t really believe it, he just said it. Yup he said it to hurt me and justify his "reasons" for cheating.

I hope this helps you.

My husband is a closet drinker.
No one knows.
Even I question if he really is drinking or not. I feel crazy.

I was M to a highly functioning drinker. I get it.

Now he says he drinks because he never loved me and he stayed for the kids. (9 and 11)

He is telling himself this to make it ok in his head. He had lots of options - this is not your fault. Do not let him put this on you.

I can’t survive this.

You can and you will. I know it is hard to believe right now but know you are a survivor. You have to be for your children. Show them an example of a strong role model so they can recall upon it when they experience their own life upsets. Right now they will look to you for that example and those tools.

I remember those days of crawling through....then getting into the shower and letting it all out. Many folks try to give themselves dedicated time for that emotional release. It is very helpful.

Document document document.
If he is drinking then you need video that he is impaired and unsafe to have the kids alone, proof is necessary.
You also need to get yourself an attorney that will help you navigate this.
Like Bigger said he is using this as a manipulation tactic. That said act. Take the power away from him.
You and your kids deserve much better.

You don't have to question if he's drinking. He told you he was.

I'm not sure why you think you will lose your children or your house? Miss 26 probably isn't interested in being tied down with children, either.

I understand you are panicking, but please slow down and look at things realistically. As tushnurse says - document everything. Get your ducks in a row. Talk to a divorce/family law attorney to find out what the facts and your rights are.

You can do this.

To use an extreme comparison:
Imagine you come home with your kids and you notice that there is smoke coming from the rear of your house, that there are glares and sparks and everything that indicates that the room at the rear of your house is ablaze.
So far you haven’t maybe seen a FIRE – as in the nice, warm, glowing thing we recognize as fire.
Just like your husband isn’t "officially" an alcoholic.

Would you feel safe taking your kids into that house?
After all – you THINK there is a fire, but if you remain in the front-part you won’t see the flames yet.
It’s all nice and warm and toasty. Beats the cold outside...
Your kids toys are there... surely you aren’t going to disrupt their play-time?
It might even only be an ember and there might even be good odds it will self-extinguish rather than grow into an all-destructive flame...
Calling the fire department might lead to them soaking the whole house... we don’t want that do we?
If you remain without dealing with the (possible) fire... do you think the flames will only stay in the rear? Do you think the smoke and fumes will make this a safe place for you and your kids?

Friend – Your current family-life is very comparable... While he is drinking there is a smoldering fire in your family, and that fire will never be positive.
I think he’s an alcoholic... My definition of alcoholism is more in line with "if you drink despite knowing your actions are causing a real negative issue for you and other stakeholders". It is possible he is not a classical, physical and spiritual alcoholic, but maybe "only" has a drinking issue. MAYBE a period of sobriety and some serious IC might enable him to have an occasional beer... but I doubt it.

I also think that even if this was early days – as in he is what you call "functioning" – then it’s only a question of time before he hits that wall. It’s only a question of time when that ember in the rear of your house catches on and engulfs the whole structure...

You worry about your kids... when in fact the very best thing you can do for your kids is remove them from active alcoholism that is at a stage where he is emotionally and relationally abusive to their mom – their "stable" parent, their role-model and the one they will have to depend on.

Go see an attorney, even if it’s a free consultation.
Then you’ll know what really can/cannot happen.
My xh told me I was gonna lose the house, the kids, everything. That didn’t even happen. On top of it, he was very selfish and within a year he hardly saw the kids anymore bc he was too busy with girlfriend after girlfriend.