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It's been 6 years since I found out about my husband's long term affair and I'm still here, but I don't know why. The long term affair should have been the first clue to leave, but I digress.

During the time I was waiting for him to step up and do the work to fix things, and he didn't, I slowly got over the affair, but also him too. I would have done the work on our marriage if he put in a little effort, but he would rather just sweep it under the rug and be in this new dynamic, and relationship that looks nothing like our old one.

Do I go on one final crusade and set up the couples therapy are try and rekindle what we had or do I even waste any more of my time on someone who wouldn't even fight for me?

[This message edited by PearlyBaker at 4:40 PM, Thursday, October 23rd]

Wow Pearly tough situation.

Reconciliation takes equal commitment by two people.

Im so sorry.

Hugs to you

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 4:50 PM, Thursday, October 23rd]

I just read your last posts, from July, 2023. Doesn't seem like much has changed.

Is what you had worth rekindling?

Are you happy? is this what you want in your relationship? If not, do something. You can ask if he wants to rekindle, but he may say no since he hasn’t fought for you up until now. If so, then what? This is a great topic for some IC, to help you figure out what is next for you.

You are not stuck unless you allow yourself to be stuck. If you choose to stay, then make sure you figure out how to be happy in this situation.

PearlyBaker, I read through your other thread, and you don't say whether you have tried MC in the past or whether either of you did any IC.

I'm wondering if your WS is consumed by guilt and shame and that's why has pulled away but doesn't want a divorce. If he's anything like my WS, he doesn't want to face his guilt head-on, so he's sweeping the emotional stuff under the rug and playing the part of "good husband" by doing extra chores, nice gifts, etc. In his mind, this might be his way of atoning and "fighting" for your love. Guilt and shame are powerful forces, and they are unhelpful past a point, but for people who are avoidant, they turn into a barrier that prevents them from dealing with those feelings in ways that help the BS to heal.

It's totally unfair that this puts the burden on you to take action, but nothing about infidelity is fair. I would suggest that there's no harm in trying MC, if only to facilitate open communication about what each of you has been experiencing as reality for the past 6 years. I would also strongly recommend that you do IC in parallel (and so does your WS). You need a place to process your own feelings independent of his.

If all of that fails to improve your situation, then you know you've tried everything and it's time to walk away.

My personal opinion from what I've read about your situation - I think you're both sleepwalking through your lives, going through the motions because you're afraid to walk away. Considering how early in your marriage he cheated and that it was an LTA, compounded by his lack of self-awareness and the failure of R so far, I don't see a lot of reason to be optimistic. That said, every couple is different, and people on SI have bounced back from equally terrible situations, so my 2 cents are worth exactly that. :)

I went back and read your 2023 post.

Sadly you don’t have a marriage - you co-exist w/ your husband.

My questions are this — are you really happy? Is this the life you pictured when you married? Do you have a connection that fulfills you?

I get that you were robbed and cheated of the marriage you thought you had. If your H has not made an effort to make that deep emotional connection by now, them most likely he won’t.

Just because you chose to Reconcile years ago does not mean you cannot change your mind. You can calmly discuss with him your frustrations and hurt and genuine unhappiness with the current state of your marriage.

Honestly I doubt even if he made an effort right now it would change how you feel. Because it’s not coming from his own desire to make amends - it’s coming from the fact that you had to tell him you are unhappy or dissatisfied and NOW he’s doing something just to appease you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:19 PM, Saturday, October 25th]

Pearly, I find myself in a similar situation with my WW. She had multiple affairs, and seems to want to work on the marriage. However, the burden seems to be placed on me as the BS to make changes, make her feel safe, meet her needs and not express emotion unless it is happy.

The line in your post that caught my attention the most: "I slowly got over the affair, but also him too." You are at the moment where the old marriage is gone. Dead. Are you interested enough in your WH to for a new marriage with him? Or have you had enough?

Only you know and can make the decision to give reconciliation another try. I would encourage you to let go of whatever you had; his A killed that old relationship between you and the only choice is if you want a new one.

I find myself in a similar situation with my WW. She had multiple affairs, and seems to want to work on the marriage. However, the burden seems to be placed on me as the BS to make changes, make her feel safe, meet her needs and not express emotion unless it is happy.

This is why I believe that the Cheating Spouse either steps up 100% on their own OR the next best decision is to S or D.

IMO coddling the cheater is wrong on so many levels but the most important one is that the BS doesn’t actually heal. I think it also opens the door for a repeat performance by the cheater because there are no real consequences AND they come to expect the BS will always take them back no matter what.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:16 AM, Saturday, November 1st]

Pearly, I’m so sorry for your situation. I spent almost 4-1/2 years trying to save our marriage with minimal to no work from my wife. Two things for me, I had to try everything in my power to save our marriage before I could walk away with no regrets, and deep in my heart I knew my wife would never step up. Even though I knew she’d never step up, I held on to false hope that she would change. She would feed me just enough encouragement to continue holding on to that hope. Through my own therapy, I’ve come to learn that she has an avoidant personality type which is to say that she desperately wants a close, loving relationship, but deep closeness and vulnerability terrifies her. I believe she’s consumed by shame and guilt but because of her personality type she keeps herself in denial that there is anything wrong with her. Once I’ve realized she’d never step up, I knew she’d never be a safe partner in life. That’s when I threw in the towel.