SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Chaos,

It’s compartmentalization. That’s why they call it a double life. They have trained themselves to put it away when needed. Love doesn’t always equal loyalty. While love will get you married, it is loyalty that keeps you married. He can say I love you, but these are just as important if not more so

Trust

Honesty

Respect

Communication

Loyalty

Happiness

Compromise

Safety

Independent

Partnership

He was just good at putting AP in a separate box [compartmentalization] hoping all the while she'd fade into oblivion on her own

Always trust his actions and not words.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 10:58 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Chaos- I’m up and wondering how the eff my WH managed to watch all the films with As while sitting next to me, from Closer to Revolutionary Road to The Descendants to Match Point.

It really does boggle the mind.

Dont you have vacationing to do?

[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:02 AM, July 11th, 2019 (Thursday)]

CaliforniaNative - I do love and appreciate that you are a straight shooter.

GMC - hear you loud and clear! I'm off to pack...

GMC,

My H watched Californication with me while he was actively Cheating. While watching, we would both wince and comment on how Hank just couldn’t keep it together with women when it was obvious that he loved his ex-wife. H now says that the show made him feel like he wasn’t the only fucked up one.

I actually want to watch The Wife now, may be even with him. What’s interesting is that he triggers through me. He panics going into the AP’s neighborhood. AP’s neighborhood is where we lived when we first moved in together. It is our neighborhood first. I don’t think we should avoid it.

Have a great vacation, Chaos!

Chaos, hope you are enjoying your vacation.

cgreene and deephurt - why do you suppose your WH don't remember their affairs? Mine tells me the same story, but I know that part of it is that he was so high on meth that he really didn't know what the hell he was doing half the time. But i also know that he knows more than he has been willing to tell me.

And when i know he knows, but is refusing to tell me, it just makes me think that he still has a lot to hide, even in the present. Obviously if he knows and says he doesn't, then THAT is a lie in itself. And people lie because they have something to hide!

But I wonder if he is hiding it because he knows how much he has hurt me and feels terrible for what he did - and he doesn't want to hurt me any more - or see me hurting - or face how deeply screwed up it's made me - like if he doesn't talk about it, he can forget it and then i will too. Forgetting will never be an option.

I've tried to tell him that if he ever wants me to heal, i have to have the answers to my questions. Until i do, i can't do much of anything except think about what the answers could be. I'm obsessed with it. And that obsession keeps it all in my mind .... ALL THE TIME.

I'm pretty sure he doesn't think about the affair or the OW pretty much ever, but i think about it and her nearly every day - many many times on some days.

He gets to conveniently "forget" ... he was high so his memory is a little foggy. I am stuck in a place where i cannot forget. Lucky him.

Hi SS, I've really struggled with this over the last 3 years. Not knowing when it started and how he felt makes it much harder particularly in the first 18mths as the questions just kept buzzing round in my head so I know just how you feel. He knows that not being able to tell me it all makes our attempt at R so much more difficult. He has had to face the same questions over and over again and witness my pain when he can't answer. There is little benefit to him of lying about not remembering so I have to accept it if there is any chance of moving on. Easier said than done though.

I've met with two of his ICs and both believe him about his story of bullying and control and that he didn't lay down memories . He says that he doesn't remember a time when he wanted to be with her that he spent his time trying to stop her 'going mental'and trying to avoid her at work. I know he made excuses not to go away with her stimes which pissed her off as the email I found on DD was her moaning at him that he kept cancelling and never arranged anything. He says he remembers feelings of dread and panic but not when exactly he felt them. Maybe it's his shame and guilt that won't let him remember the start the flirtation, the fun. I know that the start was a drunken snog after work drinks and where they subsequently went for sex but not when. I accuse him of enjoying it for months maybe years then being stuck with her blackmail. He says he is sure that it was early on that he felt trapped and that sth about her triggered how he felt when he was bullied at school and that he dealt with it the same way ie.didnt deal with it, didn't tell anyone and put it in a box. One IC said that hed simply wiped his memories of it all she did some.EMDR with him about his childhood bullying and AP experience and nothing new came out then. He's seeing an IC now who also does therapeutic hypnotism and at my request he asked her to try and retrieve memories of the start of the affair but as she predicted he couldn't.i don't know he drank a lot during that time which doesn't help memory and .much of it was a long time ago memories of his A are painful and perhaps he locked them away so securely that he can no longer access them. Who can truly say what the brain is capable of suppressing, why and how. In my darkest times I still question thè truth of it aĺl but as I tell him, if I still in my heart thouvht he was lying I wouldn't be here with him. I won't deny it's hard but it gets better with time.

I haven't been on here in a long time, but I just needed to get this off me and into the universe. I just need to say it.

The long term affair continues. He took it more underground last year, and I actually thought maybe it was over, but it's not. I don't have any proof, but I feel it in my bones.

I'm supposed to travel in a few weeks without him, an annual girl's trip I used to look forward to. I did forgo this trip last year because I didn't want to go, I don't trust him. This year he surprised me with a first class ticket for my birthday. If I complain about, I'm ungrateful. If I voice my suspiscions (I can't spell that word), I'm crazy, I don't trust him, blah blah blah.

At this point, I think its mostly an emotional affair, I don't think they have had a chance to get together physically.

I don't understand any of this. What strange hold is it that she has on him?

WhyAgainWhyHer, you must stop wasting your time wondering about the AP, and her hold on your SO. Go on your trip and enjoy yourself.

I wouldn’t have a problem flat out telling him I don’t trust him. Or plant some cameras and voice recorders before you leave.

Why again,

So sorry. Trust your instincts and don’t let him manipulate you. Go ahead and tell him you don’t trust him. Trust has to be earned. It can’t be bought by first class tickets.

Steph, I’ve been wondering how you are doing.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 7:51 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

Sent a PM

So, an update. I booked a way too expensive hotel, and put it on his card. When he saw it, and went off, I just said I would cancel if it was a problem and I wasn't worth the money. Talk about a quick change of heart! Thank you, northeasterarea for telling to go and enjoy myself - I will!

That confirmed to me that he is seeing her, and tbh, I'm numb to it at the moment.

Think I'll book some spa appointments next!

(((WhyAgainWhyHer)))

That's the ticket I make sure I treat myself to a good massage once a week. It's the least my WS can do

I hope you continue to enjoy yourself at his expense

Why again,

Go for it. Book the spa appointments. You need to take care of you. So sorry you’re going through this.

Why again,

Go for it. Book the spa appointments. You need to take care of you. So sorry you’re going through this.

WhyAgainWhyHer - You book yourself the biggest, most luxurious spa appointment they offer and opt for every add on! Buy the damn fluffy robe and upgrade to the champagne brunch.

Then...go shopping.

I love everyone on here!

Today I ordered myself champagne to be in the room when I arrived. Oh did I say room? its now a suite and my bff is in the connecting room.

Trying to figure out now a way to bust their little bubble of a rendevouz while I am gone...

Good for you WAWH! Enjoy all of it! Luxuriate in all of it!