SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You don’t love your husband. This is not a testament against you, but this is where you are at. My best advice to you is to start there. Work on your definition of love. It’s action. It’s effort. It’s intentional.

I do love him and care about him, but like a family member not a lover.

As for the other part, yes, I have dropped the ball on the kind of parent I want to be I'd say about 3 years ago, so not related to ap. I was depressed in the marriage and got into a years long funk feeling sorry for myself and contemplating divorce. I need to figure out why I'm so afraid to be on my own. I was once, it isn't like I've always relied on men in my life, but obviously I do rely on my husband to pick up some of the slack with raising kids.

I have said if you continue to yell at the kids and be physical then I can't be in this marriage with you but now I feel like I haven't a leg to stand on since he could easily say the same thing to me. It's fucked up.

[This message edited by Elliebellie at 5:50 PM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Yes I am R. If I find out my wife lied to me and didn’t block AP or has contacted him ever since dday2, I will leave and never talk to her again. I won’t even confront her, I will be gone the next day. I already have my exit plan laid out, even now two years later. And I mean, that if I find out even if it was two days after dday2, even after two years of R I will still leave. That is how serious this is.

May I ask how this is working for you? Is she worth it? My heart hurts for you as I envision my husband feeling the same way. Half in half out. He will leave me if I ever do this again. He has told me and I believe him. I'm just surprised to hear how you feel about reconciling bc it seems so torturous. I thought it would feel different for spouses who decide to do it.

A little off the path, but still relevant.
It takes a real special kind of love for a BS to try to
Reconcile with their betrayer. Day in and day out having to face the source of your greatest pain. All in an effort to get back SOME of what was had before. And as to that pain? You can ask anyone here and they’ll tell you, short of loosing a child there isn’t anything worse.

It always amazes me, WS after WS that didn’t realize what that gift actually meant until it was too late and their BS had given up.

. I'm just surprised to hear how you feel about reconciling bc it seems so torturous. I thought it would feel different for spouses who decide to do it.

It’s torturous because it’s traumatizing. What is torturous in what he said? That NC is required?

Trust is foundational in a marriage and to an individual it’s their security. When you cheat, you break the trust and take away security. Gaining that back is a lot of continuous, consistent work.

Again the reason I brought up your parenting is sometimes the playing field is more leveled when you recognize the thing you are holding against someone is something you are guilty of yourself. This is how I have a lot of compassion for you. I want you here working on yourself, I want you to succeed. Because it’s possible and I have been where you are.

I didn’t mean you don’t love your husband like family, but maybe you understood that.

I love Icy toes point about desire in a long term marriage. I don’t come home ready to rip my clothes off like I did when we were dating. I don’t feel like I am going to explode because a day or two passed with no sex. But if we get to cuddling while watch a show and the hands start to roam, then I can feel it.

You have shut your husband out of a lot of your emotional world and that has had an effect. You have spent time looking at his flaws instead of appreciating him. The desire comes for me also because of that appreciation. Engagement with the spouse lets to affectionate feelings and that translates into physical intimacy. I am much easier to turn on when we are connected.

I want to praise you once again for sticking around and considering these hard things. Reconciling when done right is a lot of hard work especially at first.

One last thought that someone said when I was new and it stuck. Our butterflies don’t come on as strongly when we are just receiving. Our butterflies are felt when you take time and effort to show your love. I try and pick something every day that makes my husbands days a bit brighter. A lot of times it’s something small. Taking one of his usual tasks or making his favorite meal. And the dedication that I have taken to that has been eye opening on how much those little things influence our marriage.

It’s effort to get those romantic feelings back and it’s effort to keep them. If that sounds torturous, maybe it is time to think about stringing out on your own. I don’t judge when people say they want a divorce. Sometimes that is what is needed even if you are the cheating party. But to get the life I think you long for, it’s going to require work with anyone.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:16 PM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Ellie,

You appear to be misinformed about how sexual desire works in a long-term relationship. I recommend you read Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of creating lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski. She has another good book Come as You Are: The Surprising Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life which I also recommend.

Thank you I will look into these books. As far as being cruel and selfish I understand the sentiment but I am literally repulsed and I don't want him to touch me at all. These are feelings I have that I need to work through because obviously it's the way I'm reacting to him and not a medical issue.

It’s torturous because it’s traumatizing. What is torturous in what he said? That NC is required?

Oh no! I meant to feel like you still need an exit plan 2 years in.

I'm trying. Every morning I get up and when I come downstairs my husband is already there and I kiss him good morning, sometimes I'll sit on the couch next to him before I wake the kids up to get ready for school. I am not there with the roaming of the hands, though. When he touches me in a sexual way I just freeze. It is not a feeling I welcome or enjoy and I just have a physical repulsion that I can't get past. I'm hoping with therapy and time it will return but if it doesn't I understand that we probably need to part ways because that's no way to live. Interestingly, though, I was able to live that way for years. I was just so sexually turned off, i wasnt even pleasuring myself. One of the reasons why I was so susceptible to the ap is because he has certain qualities that I want in a partner that my husband doesn't have and in response to that I became sexually avaliable (voracious). I do wonder if we are even compatible and working to make this work is even worth the trouble. I mean sometimes marriages are just not supposed to be for the long haul and I want to be realistic and not put us both through a lot of time and effort if the inevitable is going to happen. The reason why I do want to work on this is because I want to get to a point where we appreciate each other and be friends if we do end up separating, so that's why I don't want to just leave right now even though I feel like I'm not connected and I don't know if I ever will be. I just want to make sure we're both in a good place before that happens. I just want him to be happy and of course I feel responsible for that.

I feel like I owe him a debt of gratitude for the way he's handled it. But is that the healthy way to approach this? I should work for it bc I want to not bc I feel indebted.

[This message edited by Elliebellie at 6:41 PM, Wednesday, June 12th]

I’m not half in half out, you misunderstand. I’ve been all in the entire marriage. To include during her Affair, and the 6 months of false R when she was still cheating on me, calling me horrible names, being just down right cruel because she wanted to justify her affair and see only the bad side of me. She called me abusive and controlling because I had the audacity to ask for No contact after I exposed the very real EA, and request that she keep her location on and not lie to me. I can only take so much. After she got her head out of her ass and confessed her that it was a full on A and that she had been sleeping with him during the last 6 months after promising he was just a friend. Well, I snapped and I had to draw my line in the sand.

She had to face the consequences and be accountable for her actions. I told her, in no uncertain terms that if she contacts him ever again and I find out, doesn’t matter how long after, I will divorce her that same day. That’s not me half out at all, but that is the reality of R with a cheater. The trust and safety is gone, and the innocence is dead.

You aren’t holding yourself accountable at all.

When I said "just wanted to make sure he was ok" is cheater speak for you still want to see him, I wasn’t being sarcastic. That is an extremely common line, most often used by WWs when they are trying to keep their AP in their lives. i say this gently but you aren’t special. Your say how heartbreaking JFO thread is, well your A is just like every single one of them. Not cutting off AP, nothing special about that either. Again, it’s in the cheaters playbook.

You aren’t even being honest with yourself, and using the guise of seeing if he is ok as an excuse, to keep two men fighting for you. It’s for yourself and your selfish need to fill a void. No man will ever fill it. No person will. You can’t block AP because you can’t stand to be yourself.

You talk about how you alway take the easy way, how you never put work in. Here is your chance to match your actions to your intentions. You want a better marriage, your BH is giving you a chance, then you have to take the first step and block/go no contact.
If AP really cares about you, if he really wants to be with you, if he actually has morals and values (he doesn’t now but maybe he can redeem himself), he will respect you and your family and keep out of your life.

Do it for yourself, you can’t give your family or marriage a chance with your side piece hanging out in the shadows.

How many days away from your family did he steal? How many family events did you change plans to go skip off with him. How many days did you ignore your children to text your AP? How much stress and guilt causes you to lash out at your kids and you couldn’t be happy until you talked to AP? Just like any normal addiction, you have to have your fix. Again, this is all very normal for affairs. My WW had sex with AP on my daughter’s bday, oh and she had him at her party that she threw for her when I was out of town for work. Yes that was on purpose, she wanted to be with AP without me around.
How many times did you do something like that?

You lying to yourself about your intentions of caring about AP is further stealing from your family.

Be someone who you want to be. You are still an adulterous woman and still acting like one. Make the first step. Block him and stop being selfish

i say this gently but you aren’t special. Your say how heartbreaking JFO thread is, well your A is just like every single one of them. Not cutting off AP, nothing special about that either. Again, it’s in the cheaters playbook.

Believe me ik. It's all very predictable. I'm not looking to be special.

You aren’t even being honest with yourself, and using the guise of seeing if he is ok as an excuse, to keep two men fighting for you. It’s for yourself and your selfish need to fill a void. No man will ever fill it. No person will. You can’t block AP because you can’t stand to be yourself.

It's not that I can't stand to be myself (unless you meant by myself?) but I do agree there is a void and I need to learn how to fill it myself and not rely on other ppl. That's what got me here itfp.

It's very freeing not checking messages all the time and being able to leave my phone wherever I want, too.

[This message edited by Elliebellie at 7:26 PM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Read that first paragraph again and again of my last post. This is what you are setting yourself up for by keeping the door open with AP. You will restart the physical affair, not if, you will. Then you will become even more deceptive and will be further fall into the cesspool of being a cheater. Then you will not only have to deal with the affair, but the double betrayal, and all of the pretend progress you made will collapse. Most people can’t do it twice. I don’t know how I did once I found out the truth, and honestly I am no where near over the false R.

I have given you all the advice I can give.

It is useless to further any discussion with you until you go completely no contact with AP.

Until you do that, everything you are doing is a lie and fake.

You will get caught again just so you know. What’s done in the dark will come to the light eventually.

Read that first paragraph again and again of my last post. This is what you are setting yourself up for by keeping the door open with AP. You will restart the physical affair, not if, you will. Then you will become even more deceptive and will be further fall into the cesspool of being a cheater. Then you will not only have to deal with the affair, but the double betrayal, and all of the pretend progress you made will collapse. Most people can’t do it twice. I don’t know how I did once I found out the truth, and honestly I am no where near over the false R.

If someone wants to start the affair, they will. Blocking won't change that. One can easily just unblock and reach out. Blocking is symbolic and I think that's the crux. I really can't imagine (even though I couldn't imagine having an affair in the first place) doing this to my husband again. If I ever reach out to AP it would be after we separate or after we divorce and we are free to date and even then it would have to be secretive because like I said earlier I cannot stand to hurt my husband anymore and me being with this person after everything I've done is just unthinkable. He said he was going to delete the app we used and that was enough for me. I'm not even going to look to see if he did.

[This message edited by Elliebellie at 8:08 PM, Wednesday, June 12th]

You are very naïve. If it’s only symbolic, then why can’t you block him? If it doesn’t mean anything, why can’t you do it?

Like I said, it’s pointless to continue talking with you.

In a few months when you are back here posting about how your BH caught you again with AP and this time for real you will change, remember my words.

Ellie,

Somewhere, probably an old SI post, I read that the longer someone does not have sex with their spouse the less sexually attractive their spouse becomes to them. And if it goes on long enough they actually become repulsed by the idea of sex with their spouse. Your disengagement sexually from your spouse over more than three years is the reason you are no longer sexually attracted to your husband. You brought this situation on yourself.

Your husband is a sexually desirable person just by nature of being human. You are NOT going to rekindle your sexual feelings if you passively wait for them to reappear. This is something you will have to actively work on.

I stand by my assertion that you have been cruel and selfish to deny him any physical intimacy if that is something he wanted.

I believe it is possible for you to get back those feelings of attraction but it will take work on your part. Remember to focus on his PLEASURE and your PLEASURE rather than desire. You can start small by offering to give him a full body massage. Use a nice oil and have him lie down fully nude. Another thing you can do is for both of you to get completely naked and watch a romantic comedy in bed together. There are lots of little things you can do to start moving the needle on your attraction.

But, of course, the number one thing you have to do is block your AP. If you are not willing to do that your marriage has no chance of success.

Is there a way to reply directly to a message? This site is so clunky and not user friendly at all.

Itmt, thank you icytoes for the suggestions. I think you are right about too much time passing. I understand WHY I'm not attracted to him but the fact that I wasn't even attracted to myself speaks to an larger issue imo.

I was kind of "female impotent" too for many months prior to, during, and after the affair. I attribute mine to depression. I had sex with my husband, but was kind of numb down there? Like my brain receptors couldn’t detect pleasure. I couldn’t "get there" alone either.

But I do think sex in general is use it or lose it. I have read that many times. I like Ivy toes suggestions. It also helped me to take a long bath or spend a little time unwinding outside or whatever I needed to get out of my head so much. I practiced deep breathing mindfully many times a day. I think I wasn’t feeling "in" my body enough. Try some guided meditation.

Agree on the blocking. You not wanting to do that is because you want to protect the ap from more pain. But the best thing not to draw out his pain is to go NC and don’t leave the door open. As long as you keep doing that it leaves him to hope. He needs to let go of the hope so he can move on. It sounds like he had a lot of pain in his marriage, it’s better for you to let him go.

And if you can’t, then go be with him because you can’t have both. It’s just the truth of the matter. The longer you draw this out for yourself the more pain you will be in, and you need all your energy for your marriage and family if this has any shot at making it. No new contact- no new hurts.

If someone wants to start the affair, they will. Blocking won't change that. One can easily just unblock and reach out.

What's the point of throwing away my last pack of cigarettes if I'm trying to quit smoking. It's silly, if I want to smoke, I could just drive to the store and buy a new package. (Or if I'm trying to diet). Why even bother NOT buying that box of donuts that I struggle to turn down when I'm hungry. Donuts are easy to buy so I may as well just keep some at home.

Come on Ellie, that's weak logic and you know it. Making something even a step harder decreases the likelihood that you'll fall back on your old (addictive) habits. Not to mention the fact that blocking it prevents you from receiving messages from the AP if they reach out... you know, like he did yesterday.

Long time member recently started lurking again.
I’ve been lurking for a bit and your story really is no different from anyone else here. I greatly admire you for continuing to post because the truth bombs you’re getting are harsh. They should be.
Gently, you are trying to fence sit. Based on your posts, you aren’t in love with your husband. You have love for him but you aren’t in love with him. What effort are you making to fall back in love with him? Further how fair is it to your BH that he is giving you all of the things you need while you seemingly just go to IC and keep the status quo because you’re too proud to live in a tiny apartment scraping by with your children? What are you actively doing with him and for him to heal? I don’t really understand why you’re allegedly trying to fix a marriage you’ve been checked out of for years? If you really believe your BH is abusive to your children, again why keep your kids in a volatile environment??
I don’t know that you WANT to be married to your BH and I certainly think that if he was abusive to your children that you would happily live in squalor if your babies were safe and happy.
Just my opinion but I think that calling him abusive while you’re still keeping secrets about your A puts you into the unremorseful category of WS.
None of this is fair to you, him or your kids. If you don’t want to be married, don’t be. If you do, you should start following much wiser advice than mine to fix your marriage. Blame shifting, however subtle, is not going to help your family. Personally if I was repulsed by my husband I wouldn’t continue to use him for financial, social or any other reason and he surely wouldn’t stay knowing I was repulsed by him.

I'm just now catching up on this thread. I am a BH in R with a FWW that did the work. Affairs are addictive, you cannot dabble in them, its called a slippery slope for a reason. Right after Dday my WW tried to tell me that AP was a great guy, she did go NC right away but she missed him, she admitted it to me. Later she told me it was not really him she missed but the chemical hit her brain got from him. Today almost 5 years later, her A and AP make her sick to think about, she absolutely hates infidelity because she sees it for what it is, broken people trying to use each other to fix something inside them. You have to block him, and hopefully start to despise him, he is an enemy of your family.

Oh no! I meant to feel like you still need an exit plan 2 years in.

This is something that will be part of my M forever, I don't expect her to ever cheat again, but I will never forget what she is capable of.

I have reconciled.

It has taken a lot of effort.

Demanding no contact ever with AP, ever, even if reconciliation failed, was mandatary. That was rule 1. Rule 2 was no more affairs. The exception was if she was contacted by AP, did not engage, and came to me to decide together how to deal with it.

I could not have thrown myself into reconciliation with any self respect without that from my wife. I would have had to walk.

Imaging that you might be with your affair partner again, if your marriage ends, dooms the whole enterprise.

I also made silent promises to myself. One was that I would leave if there was any continuation of the affair. Another was that I would try my very best, and if it ended in divorce I would hold off dating for at least a year after and just focus on the kids.

People aren’t all the same, but where I had given that kind of commitment, if I found my wife had just been handling me, like you seem to be with your husband right now, I would have just thrown up my hands.

If someone wants to start the affair, they will. Blocking won't change that.

And if someone wants to end an affair, they will. Blocking is the first step.