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I can not consider R until I know the why’s.

I think this is correct, and might be even more correct to say you shouldn’t consider R until SHE knows her why’s and is busting her butt to address them. But do be prepared that when they are known, they will not be impressive. They will be small and foolish and you will have to grapple with how she could destroy so much over so little.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 2:44 PM, Friday, October 18th]

Amazing how quickly a stupid movie that shows a WS in detail completely throws me off. It’s a MOVIE!!!! ITS NOT REAL!!!! Real enough for me. Ruined my rare good night.

Oh yeah, triggers. They come hard and fast after D-Day and are part of the roller coaster dynamic. Movies and songs. Sometimes songs that have little to do with infidelity, but perfectly characterizes an aspect of our story.

Triggers will subside in time, subside in frequency and severity.

This whole experience will never leave you. It will become a part of you. You will be forever changed, and not necessarily for the worst. That depends on how you incorporate this experience into your you. It’s not just the "That what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger" bit, it’s more profound than that, it’s everything you’re about to learn about yourself, about others, about life.

Hang on and buckle yourself in tight. It’s going to be a wild ride.

I couldn't watch any movie that had infidelity in it for years. I still get triggered by some of them.

Unfortunately, infidelity is everywhere. My wife watches that idiotic show Hoarders. It’s bad enough seeing the filth these people live in. The other night, she’s watching that show and it is revealed that the man is in an affair with his "friend from work". The "kicker" is, the hoarding couple is staying with her after they were evicted from their hoarder house. This isn’t just "mentioned in passing" either. They talk to a therapist about it, their son talks about it and OW comes over to help clean up and causes all kinds of triggers.

I’m thinking my wife would get uncomfortable and change the channel at some point. Or at least ask me if that is bothering me. Nope…..

I’m thinking my wife would get uncomfortable and change the channel at some point. Or at least ask me if that is bothering me. Nope…..

That thought process (or lack of consideration, really) is so foreign to me as to be unthinkable. Is this "simply" an ugly ignorance or could it be another manifestation of a deeply flawed character, where empathy doesn’t exist, which stands to reason played a big part in enabling an adulterer to betray in the way they did?

IDK what your W was thinking, but I like TV, and my W sits with me so we are together. She has to be VERY uncomfortable with a show before she'll bring her discomfort up or ask me if I'm uncomfortable. Otherwise, she waits for me to bring up my own discomfort, if any.

He sits in the front room, I sit in the backroom. I watch news and football (all NFL games that I can find, and college for our state teams), he watches sit-coms from the 70's-80's, and YouTube videos). Do men not like football? Many times, he will not speak to me all day and then just go to bed at night and not say a word to me. Weird. I still have a figure and look nice, make him meals, he shows little if any interest in me. The honeymoon was over a long time ago. The thing is I thought I would have to get fat/ugly/nasty, or maybe cheat, or maybe be a bitch for my husband (love if my life) to cheat on me. I didn't even have a best friend (no offense unthought, my parents divorce involved cheating with a best friend). No, I wasn't prepared for what happened - I feel like such a loser. Sorry for hijacking your post unthought. It doesn't get better, like I hoped and naively thought 35-40 years ago. How can it when your spouse is enjoying sex with someone else?

This I could possibly get over if she could tell me the why’s. This was obviously planned. She put herself in the same position 3 times, with months in between. I can not consider R until I know the why’s. I can get by not knowing what happened in the drunken moments, but I do need to know what made her make the sober decisions to continue the friendship and put herself in the same situation.

Have you explicitly told her this. It's important that she know that you will not have any chance at rebuilding something if she can't get past saying she was drunk and can't remember and really tell you why she would do this and do it more than once.

You're doing all the right things but make sure she knows she needs to be exploring this in IC and in the very near future has to tell you what she was Thinking and feeling at the time.

Did he have her heart? Did she enjoy sex with him more than with you. Did she always know this would someday happen between them? No matter how hard it Is for her to reveal, you need the real truth and brutal honesty.

If it were me I'd Be telling her you'll begin to move on until she can at least begin to come up with those answers and figure out What was Broken Inside her to not care at All how this would affect you and your family

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:15 AM, Sunday, October 20th]

When you caught her, how did she act? Did she act like she had just been outed or was she more not understanding what was happening. If the latter, it would lend some credence to her story. However your friend cannot say the same thing. I can’t imagine catching my wife in the act. I’m sorry buddy. Hope this turns out the best way possible after all this.

Just thought I'd check in and see if you're still there and how it's going.

I think I’m doing better, for the most part. It as many emotional feels, more stable if that makes sense. Still feel numb at times. I am at a point where I don’t think I want to R. It hit me this week, and I’m not really sure why it hit so firmly. I feel like I’m just going through the motions, and want to get through the holidays.

My WS continues to do her best. She really is, it’s just not enough right now. I told her a month ago I would not be going to her family’s Thanksgiving with her and she accepted that. This week she asked me if she could come with me to my mom’s. For some reason that hit me. Either she doesn’t fully grasp what she has done, or she is embarrassed to see her family. I told her I would think about it. Friday morning I told her it was best for her to go to her families. She has been off ever since. Maybe it’s finally sinking in. The past couple days I have almost blurted out "I want a divorce" multiple times. I am not sure why I haven’t just let it out.

I continue therapy and have started anti-depressants. Not sure they have really kicked in yet. Sleep is the hardest. I am averaging 4.5 hours a night, and it is affecting me. My Dr. is hoping the Prozac will help when it fully kicks in. I hope so!

You need to cut the cord for your own mental wellbeing, you're suffering from PTSD after catching your spouse in the act(I still don't know how some people can take someone back, after witnessing something like that), but I digress...

Try not to get too hooked on the prozac, get some herbal teas instead to help calm your nerves...

Start to put some emotional distance between you both, as it will benefit you in the long run 👊

Prozac, or fluoxetine, is a great drug for your situation. Not addictive, doesnt make you sleep or inhibit cognitive functions. Take it for at least 6 months per your doctors recommendation and wean off over a few weeks if you want to stop it. Note, it really takes about 3.5 weeks to kick in..

Hi OP. I believe this is my first reply to you, but I have been reading your thread. Let me start by saying I’m sorry you had a reason to find us. What you went through was truly a nightmare, and how you’ve handled yourself in the aftermath is commendable.

Your current thoughts and feelings are understandable to someone who has been betrayed. Take your time in deciding what you want. You may go back-and-forth for a while and that’s OK too. This is decision that requires careful deliberation. That said, once you settle on a course of action minimize your delays in implementing it.

Good luck and don’t hesitate to check in here for support. You may be lonely, but you aren’t alone. Stay away from the booze and take good care of yourself!

I found that Bupropion (Wellbutrin) at 300mg plus weekly (now bi-weekly after 2.5 years) was what helped stabilize me most. The other antidepressants have side effects that didn't agree with me.

As for your feeling you may want to divorce, it's a lot easier to heal when you aren't facing your abuser every day. I don't know how she thought this was going to turn out when she was doing what she was doing, but nobody in your life would blame you for calling time of death on the marriage.

Agree that no one would blame you for choosing to D; her being remorseful makes it harder but you have to do what you need to do. However, I would suggest asking your therapist about the fact you were diagnosed with depression and should you be making the D decision before the depression is adequately treated? I don't know the answer but I do know that mental health can impact one's judgement.

Thank you to all again for your support.

I completely understand your point of the depression, and I do plan on speaking with my therapist about this further. I did tell her in my last session that I was leaning in that direction. Not sure if it matters, but the depression came because of this, not before.

I don't think you have true remorse though, until she--your WW that is--gets at her why's.

As it is right now it seems, your WW may be truly sorry about the pain she has caused you--and your family, but you still have not gotten an answer as to why she thought it was OK for her to hook up with your then-close friend. You are not only in enormous pain on account of your walking in on the act and actually witnessing it in progress, but you have an additional weight on your shoulders in that you really have **no idea** it sounds why your WW would have done what she did.

To say it was the alcohol is NOT an acceptable answer especially as this had happened twice (not that it would be even if it had happened only once instead of the two times that is did happen).

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:57 PM, Monday, November 18th]

I understand this triggered it and that makes perfect sense, just worried it could unduly impact how you feel about moving forward.