SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

1.He has five kids in three states. There are outstanding judgements in all three states for his failure to pay child support

Send his contact info to the appropriate agencies.

JC,

I'm speechless.

It's said that they always cheat down but your WW went trash diving in a landfill.

She risked her marriage with you for romps with a broke, jailbird ex-con and a five time deadbeat dad, wanted in three states and with a rap sheet longer than a CVS receipt. I bet he has more STDs than a medieval sailor as well.

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 7:31 PM, Wednesday, March 6th]

There was a previous poster who's WW did everything she could to make amends. In her opinion, she broke it...she'll fix it. This is the attitude needed to work through R. Your wife appears to be doing this as well.

If you still strongly suspect that this is a deal breaker, initiate divorce proceedings now. You can always retract it if things change. This puts her on notice that the clock is ticking.

Actually, she burnt your marriage to the ground. Divorce will clean up the mess. If you both are willing, you can redate after it.

At this point, getting you through this with as minimal damage as possible should be you major concern. Eat, hydrate, stay off alcohol, exercise and seeking appropriate counselling for Infidelity are a must for you now. Meditation is also a good tool to help. Minimal contact until your emotions subside is also appropriate.

God bless

Hellfire, You're right about not knowing if there is an OBS. I was wrong. Sorry. I saw the following from JC and figured it was a non-issue.

My WW says the OM is single. From what I’ve seen he is. In one of the first texts, he gave her instructions on where to park in his spot at his apartment. I should have the PI report in the next day or two and then I’ll know for sure. If there is an OBS, I will definately tell them.

JC,
I'm sorry about learning all the criminal and general shady background. That's awful. It was baffling for me to hear my WH trusted the AP's words about carrying the financial weight of her family and bragging about her salary and then seeing the liens and judgements against her. I can't imagine seeing the jail sentences for fraud and failure to pay child support. What a horrible person.

Confronting her with reality from the PI is the least you can do and not shameful in any way. She picked him, not you. The fact that she affaired down so low is actually helpful in some ways.

It shows you that it was really all about her inner needs, brokeness and fantasy, not finding some amazing man.

It shows you that there was no real EA or planned exit. She probably knew nothing about the guy beyond a few lies he told her.

It shows you it was not about you as a husband at all, zero.

I would really like to know what she says about how her A kicked off that night. Was it the first time meeting him? What were the circumstances and what was she thinking? Were her friends encouraging her? How much did she know about him? How did he get her attention?

Maybe those questions don't matter but it's always kind of hard to grasp how some WW end up with who they do from a practical perspective.

Ughh...JC there is seemingly no bottom to the toxicity your wife has dumped on your marriage. I'm almost incredulous how an intelligent successful woman could allow herself to be duped by such a con artist and lowlife that her AP is. She really needs professional help to understand how she got herself to this point. Everything you've indicated so far points to a divorce and I think there comes a time where there is just too much damage to repair. The car is totaled so to speak. Your plan to separate yourself from the toxicity in the near term is a good one and I'd use that time to game out a permanent split.

The thing is your WW has killed the marriage and it needs to be buried. If down the road you both want to take another shot at it you can always do so. You're still a young man and owe it to yourself to pursue a happy future. I just think your odds of achieving that are much higher if you move on.

In any event you've handled this like a champ. Keep the chin up and hang tough!

I would really like to know what she says about how her A kicked off that night. Was it the first time meeting him? What were the circumstances and what was she thinking? Were her friends encouraging her? How much did she know about him? How did he get her attention?

^^^I was just thinking the same thing. Did she go to his apartment the night she met him? She knew nothing about him. It's frightening because this guy could have raped her or worse.

Not your finest moment? No, it's one of your best moments gathering information and sharing it with your WW, she needs to have a complete understanding of the depth of her betrayal.

After my D-Day, I studied emails between WH and OW that I was able to retrieve. I went through my WH expense accounts with a fine tooth comb, I sifted through the phone bills for his work phone (this was 18 years ago).....it gave me a sense of control because I was able to put some of the pieces of the puzzle together that my WH would have never admitted to.

I hope you find some piece at your cabin.

That intense sobbing,right aftet she read the report? That was her feeling like a fool, because you know he had to lie to her,about who he was. It was about her feeling hurt that he wasn't who she had thought he was.

Don't feel bad for shining a light on the bullshit.

Use your time, energy and emotions wisely. The AP is sewer rat, I am not sure you should get your hands dirty dealing with him. This is obviously a person that is used to breaking the rules and does not care for repurcussions. You should definitely get STD tested. She’s gotten a criminal like him access to your world. I would check to see if there are any financial infidelities as well.

Right now the goal should be for you to keep the financial and emotional damage to a minimum. Probably social too. Revenge should never be the goal as you proceed forward but make sure you are not taken advantage of. I would hold on to the funds that you plan to cover her daughter’s tuitions.. You could give it to them at a later point in time.

Remind yourself that none of this is your fault. You seemed to be a wonderful partner, being a good dad to her daughters. That’s a solid man right there!

Yes, not surprising that she affaired down. There is an entire pinned thread on that topic. I wish I had a dime for every AP that lived in the parent’s basement, or had a criminal record, or had no job, or was unattractive. It’s not how the AP looks or AP’s financial status, it’s how the AP reflects back to the WS in glowing terms how wonderful they are. It’s how the AP makes the WS feel. Hang in there. You’re doing well.

One of the sayings here is to take the advice you can use and leave the rest. You have seen a variety of opinions and advice. You will and have received advice to file for D. You will not receive advice that you must try to R. R is an option and the other way out of infidelity. But you first must figure out if your WW’s infidelity is a dealbreaker for you. If it is, then D is your path forward. If you decide you are at least open to R, then the focus is on your WW’s actions to see if she is any way a candidate for R. She should not only meet the list of things you requested, but demonstrate consistent efforts at transparency, empathy for your pain, and remorse over an extended period. And even if you decide you are open to R, and your WW does everything perfectly moving forward, you can still decide to leave the marriage at anytime, as your feelings and emotions change. All of this is terribly unfair to you. Your normal life has been blown up and you had no choice in it. We all get it. You will figure out what works for you. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:17 PM, Wednesday, March 6th]

Showing her the PI’s report was a good move.
There’s a lot of decisions, that will make you feel bad in the moment, but are still the correct ones for your present and future mental well being. Right now you really HAVE to put yourself first. At this moment you are just too overloaded with emotions to worry or protect anyone else.

OP, showing your treasonous wife the PI report was the absolute right thing to do. Well done! She delighted in having two men pine after her. Let her deal with the prospect of losing both of them now. Choices, meet consequences.

There was a previous poster who's WW did everything she could to make amends. In her opinion, she broke it...she'll fix it. This is the attitude needed to work through R. Your wife appears to be doing this as well.

Based on what evidence??? That his wife was sobbing? Read Hellfire’s response. She’s sobbing for HERSELF because SHE looks like an even bigger fool now. Her crying is zero evidence of any kind of remorse.

You are doing so well.
You will go through the stages of grief as you recover from this. No matter what path you end up choosing these stages will not be linear and one and done. You will go through all the emotions multiple times. It's normal.

It is also normal to want to D and R all within a 10 minute time frame. If you have not seen your physician yet please do so. This is an incredibly stressful thing to survive and as such may have elevated blood pressure and other health issues arise.

I agree that WW is sobbing primarily, if not *only*, for HERSELF at the moment. She blew up HER world, her marriage losing a great man as her husband, and quite likely the respect of her parents and daughters. As for WW's concern for our friend JC, her tears are NOT so much for YOU, sorry Bub.

I have to imagine JC's head has to really be spinning. Not two weeks ago he was on his way to play golf, and his WW was the absolute love of his life and he thought hers. He was still blissfully unaware of his WW's capacity for deception. This was as recent as even for a few days after the Super Bowl, after Presidents' Day, for reference. If he had not been there to intercept that text message he would still be in the dark in all likelihood. In any event I can absolutely understand why he may need a timeline or something else that helps him get some clue of "why" even though/if he is completely done. His life had a bomb dropped onto it, anything that can help him make some sense of it must really be craved, even if JC decided that it is really over between him and WW.

ETA: That WW's OM was really that much of a low-life, can make the affair hurt **even more**. As in, 'I have all this going for me and this guy has none of this and is a felon too, and yet her attraction for him was so strong that even despite his lacks she still betrayed me for him?'

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:00 AM, Thursday, March 7th]

Sorry, Duplicate post

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:02 PM, Wednesday, March 6th]

JC, you're consistently handling everything right. That report must have been absolutely devastating for her, and I hope it helps you squash any doubts about your own adequacy. Your righteous anger is spot on and you deserve to feel vindicated.
I concur that moving forward with the divorce is smart. You can always stop it or reconnect once everything is said and done if she proves to be a good candidate for R.
One other note, your wife's mental state has to be nuked right now. Does she know about this site? The general rule of thumb is to NOT tell WSs about this site, especially while this is so fresh. But she must be emotionally crushed right now knowing what a colossal idiot she is for doing this and may need some support from some of the wiser FWSs here.
However, this is your safe space. You're getting some terrific counsel and preserving that makes total sense. No hurry there if you're open to it. Just a thought.

I think JC needs to be focusing on getting himself out of infidelity. His WW, well...she needs to find her own help.

gr8ful In your response... based on the fact that she has given BS 2 references of IC that she has researched as appropriate. This in the short time that she was confronted. This leads to the probability she has actively researched 'what to do'..

But enough of the tread jack..

Another piece of advice I neglected earlier.
Keep moving forward. Whatever that means to you.
I remember the early days, where the emotional toll and myriad of decisions that needed to be made gave me an emotional and decision making paralysis. Causing me harm that just didn’t need to be.
Getting "stuck" here just plain sucks. It wasn’t until later on that I discovered this site and others that were a life saver.

Keep moving forward. If you’re pretty sure that divorce needs to happen, get the ball rolling. It can always be put on hold easily. Maybe you are one of those people who even if they want R, the divorce has to happen anyway first. That is fine. Many have done that and as a result, were better equipped personally to deal with R.

Just like in business, short term goals, long term goals. Move towards them. Don’t stay still.

And don’t ever think it’s too late to find someone else. Maybe even have kids still. I did exactly that.
All the utter bullshit I had to deal with… where I am at now wouldn’t have been possible if those things didn’t happen.
There is much better in the future for you. Everyone will tell you that. You can’t possibly feel that now, but just know it’s true and that it will happen.

JustCrushed:

Great job on getting the PI report and showing it to your WW.

Did you and your WW have joint or separate banking accounts? Considering the AP's history, there is a significant chance that he was freeloading off your WW. A convicted felon with multiple bankruptcies and judgments is not going to be well-employed (impossible to pass a background check for any company that practices due diligence.) Have you asked your WW if she gave or loaned the AP any money? Did he have access to her credit cards? Your WW seems to be a professional with a good job (low income workers aren't flown across the country for multi-day conferences,) was your WW acting as a "sugar-momma" to the AP? Since she already knows she's a fool for sleeping with this scum, she probably is not going to be forthcoming about admitting to the fact that she gave the guy money. You may want to add to your conditions that she show you her bank and credit card accounts for the past 6 months to determine if she gave the AP any money. I would question any cash withdrawals of more than $100.00 during this time period unless she habitually did so before the affair. Let your attorney know what you find out.

Also, in your initial post you stated that they met on a GNO then would meet usually once a week for a hookup unless you were out of town then it would be twice or more. Have you determined whether the AP has been to your home? Where in your home did the sex take place? In the marital bed?

Your WW now realizes that this convicted felon knows where you live, and probably knows whether your home has a security system or not. If you do have an alarm system, to be on the safe side, time to change the password to it. Your WW may have been so much in luuuvvve with this guy she may have given him the alarm password not knowing his history.

Stay safe, this may seem to be a bit of paranoia ... but there's nothing out there that says only women can be crazy, "bunny-boilers." You may have an AP that liked having a professional woman with money as a girlfriend and try to fight for her and get her, or least more of her money, back.