SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

FWIW I think you are at a very common – and maybe expected – place in your healing.

I think that maybe especially for men the initial reaction is something of a "reclaim" what’s ours. We want to get all "our stuff" back into a corral, set up rules to protect it and then wait and see what threats are out there. Only... once we reclaim, we might look at what we have and wonder if its worth it. I think you might be at that place emotionally right now.

I can’t say if it is worth it or not. Many here have divorced despite a seemingly remorseful spouse, many have reconciled and realized that "true" remorse might not come until the WS fully realized the impact of what they did.

What I can share is that for ME – what I have experienced – is that when dealing with hard issues or choices I tend to find a calmness and determination once I have reached a decision. It’s something I realized that guy who amputated his own arm in that gully in Utah experienced – once he had his options lined up and had decided what and when he had to do... he felt content about his decision.

I would suggest that while you aren’t determined, aren’t committed... then maybe just keep a holding pattern and focus on self-healing for now. Irrespective of R or D you need to heal.

The big risk in doing that is when the holding pattern becomes the new norm. That you definitely don’t want... One suggestion might be to note a date on a calendar, maybe 15th of next January, and set aside 4 hours to seriously contemplate where you are at then.

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A couple of minor issues:

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What do the kids know? I am certain they know there are issues between their mom and dad. How is this impacting them?

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Are expectations clear? Like IF she had made a comment about the movie... would you be complaining that she has removed your ability to enjoy movies? Is the fact she made no comment the issue, or is it just a vent?

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Stick to your medications, but if you aren’t physically active then start now. I realize you have mobility issues, but physiotherapy, weights, maybe a stationary bike... Get physically tired.

I have realized since working a lot from home, that when I am at the office and interact with people I feel a lot more tired. If you spend a lot of time alone, try to find people to interact with.

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Personally – with a 17-year marriage and 2 adolescent kids – I find this going to her parents or your mom to Thanksgiving a bit... well... high-schooly...

Is it a family tradition? Where will the kids be?

Why aren’t you two celebrating YOUR Thanksgiving? Could invite your mom over.

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I think understanding the why is very important. I think it’s super-important for the WS because without understanding the true reason you can’t really prevent a possible repeat. For us BS... its important for our healing. However... I think that an early "why" is likely to be doubtful. In this instance it might be hidden behind some alcohol, didn’t-feel-valued, didn’t-think-it-would-harm-anyone sort of "poor-me-I’m-not-really-responsible" cloak. Basically I think it might take some serious therapy and self-work to maybe stand in front of you in 6-12 months and honestly state that the reason was self-induced and the consequence of several conscious and thought out decisions that were wrongly justified by her.

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Same with remorse... I think she has remorse, and that remorse might be getting caught, or having been caught, or having done what she did, or based on self-pity. It takes time for the TRUE remorse to break through IMHO. The remorse for having made a series of decisions and taken a series of actions that you somehow falsely justified to yourself and that caused those that you care most for such immense pain, PLUS letting yourself down.

Often, I find all these posts demanding instant full remorse and understanding of the "whys" not realistic, and would probably lead to very shallow reconciliation or divorce.

I think that maybe one of the toughest things about reconciling is that to reconcile you need to get some semblance of feeling better in your relationship. Only – in doing so it seems like the ws also gets a semblance of feeling better. That in turn might infuriate and confuse us – how come she get’s to feel better, when it’s HER that caused the problem?

It takes some time to realize that there is no "fair" in infidelity, and nobody "wins" or gets a better deal. You are recovering with the person that cause the pain

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:20 PM, Tuesday, November 19th]

It hadn't dawned on me until Bigger's comment but going as a family anywhere for a holiday so soon after d day is the last thing I would want to do. If you want to be alone fine, but spending holidays at home as a family as a c9nsequence of her affair is completely legitimate option. I certainly would not want to pretend in front of her family for 1-2 days but would want to be near my kids.

Good way to live:

Don’t threaten something you WON’T do
Don’t promise something you CAN’T do.

@bigger, as much as I appreciate your thought out response, I don’t understand why my not wanting to be with my wife and her family is an issue. I know it will be very triggering for me, and I love them, I love the tradition, and I know it may be over. To be clear, this is not a big thing to the kids. I am laying it down that WS already committed to go. My mom is not very mobile, and I found out that she would be alone. My son wants to see my mom, my daughter wants to hang with her cousins. I promise I put zero pressure on them. They are all I care and think about.

Hi Unthoughtknown75,

When it comes to any 'family' event, you need to do what works or feels right to you. If it would be difficult to spend time with your wife's family, it is best to not do that. Thanksgiving is celebration, and you may not be in a celebratory mood. You may not feel like plastering on a fake smile and 'playing nice' for a couple of days, which is understandable. There is the potential for some kind of blow-up related to recent events that could spoil the visit for all concerned, so spending time with your Mom will be 'safer' than that (as well as being nice for your Mom).

Wanting some space away from your wife is also understandable, and if that is what you need, you should do that. It sounds like your kids won't be too upset by it, as they have their own ideas about where they want to be. Some time away from your wife may be good for you, as I imagine things have been pretty intense at home. It will be good for you to be able to spend time with your Mom and focus on something else for a change.

Our thoughts are with you.

Utk75,

You signed no contract or owe anyone an explanation, if you don't want any part of her family's celebrations. The high road is sometimes very slippery and should be avoided for one's own mental health...

Enjoy your time with your mama and the kids. Life is too short 👊

Note I didn’t question your reluctance to go be with her family or even you being with your mom. I questioned why you and your family are not doing your own Thanksgiving after all these years.

As in you carving your own turkey at your own dinner-table with your own family as in you, wife, kids... heck... even your mom at YOUR table all happy and content with not having to do all the work...

It was just a question and there is an answer in your reply.

I appreciate traditions, and I will always respect my mom, so I get it if you want to spend time with her.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:34 PM, Wednesday, November 20th]

As in you carving your own turkey at your own dinner-table with your own family as in you, wife, kids... heck... even your mom at YOUR table all happy and content with not having to do all the work...

That might be your tradition Bigger, but it’s certainly not everyone’s. Glad to see you coming back and respecting OP’s family traditions, as is their right to do however they please.

I know you are leaning to D, but have you considered seeing a Betrayal Trauma therapist together? Maybe there is Hope for healing together? First step is possibly telling her your heart. She may need that shock to wake her up more fully?

Jake Porter has a couple centered recovery model that has shown great results.

I know you are leaning to D, but have you considered seeing a Betrayal Trauma therapist together?

See a trauma therapist ALONE.

I have been seeing my own Trauma therapist since the week this happened. I respect what you are saying regarding going to this couples weekend therapy for trauma. However, in my mind that is something she should be doing the research on, not me. I’m not the one who caused this. Even then, I am not sure if I would want to go. We are in marriage counseling along with our IC’s.

My feelings and emotions still go back-and-forth, so I am not naïve enough to think this is my final and only decision. It is how I have been feeling the past few weeks though, and this is the clearest I have mentally felt since D-Day.

On another site I watched a group of people encourage a man to do something he absolutely did not want to do. He did what his family wanted and what a bunch of strangers told him to do. It is going to take him years to recover.
This site gives many, many ways for bs to go. None of us know the extenuating circumstances in your life. We know this small window into some of your life.
The saying around here is read responses and take what you need and leave the rest. Reading what that man went through has changed the way I will respond in the future. So…you do you. What you feel today might be 180 degrees what you feel next year. You are looking at Thanksgiving coming up. What do YOU want to do that day? Do that. If you have a decent day it tells you something. If it was not a good day that also tells you something.
My go to suggestion for bs is to put aside everything except your health. My friend, whose health has always been perfect was found to have heart problems from living through a community fire and all the stress of rebuilding. She was completely unaware that stress can kill you, but it can. If you can’t sleep and feel anxious see a dr. Short term meds will help. If you are having trouble eating use a liquid drink designed for that.
Be prepared to cycle in and out of despair, rage, acceptance. An injury was done to you. It is going to take a while to start recovering.

Thank you for the update and it's good to hear you are working with a trauma specialist.

I still wonder how she felt about her AP. Im hoping she has told you what feelings they shared and if they planned someday to be together, leaving you and his wife behind.

Is she in IC with an infidelity specialist? She will need to stop blaming the alcohol for what happened. She knew that after the first time it was possible to happen again and yet she still went thru with drinking g and being alone with him instead of not drinking and going to bed with you. This was planned to happen, at least this last time.

So she needs to have a plan , worked with her therapist, to get to her WHYs. And tell you when she will sit you down and discuss them with you.

Is she journaling? I think she should be. It's a useful tool to figure out what was so broken in her to be able to make this awful choice.

I think you will find over time that the path forward may be to divorce. It's just too traumatic what she did. There is always the chance down the road after a long time spent working on herself (measured in years not days or weeks) and you working to heal that you can try some sort of relationship again in a different fashion.

But for right now I am glad you are resisting the temptation to simply rug sweep and move on.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:28 PM, Friday, November 22nd]

I respect your journey Unthoughtknown75...you sound like a strong man and are making progress. May God give you wisdom. I DO AGREE you wife should be the one driving the recovery ...she should be pursuing you. I would say however some people just do not really have that in them, but will respond well and from the heart with that guidance. I know my wife needs me to help her along in providing what I need. But I truly can she what I explain to her, she is internalizing it as her own.

Keep us posted friend.

Expect your go/stay desires to be constantly changing. It’s normal. No matter how good or bad things get, the one constant is the quick switching between fight and flee.
Regardless of people saying you must do this or that. They are just suggestions to think about. Different perspectives that you can incorporate into your decisions or not. From my experience, infidelity just makes it hard to think clearly for a long while. Having others make suggestions and offer solutions helped clear some of the difficulty away.

UK 75,
You’ve gotten some good advice over the last two months and appears you’re handling this painful mess as well as could be expected. Just reminder that there are sometimes conflicting opinions on the best course of action. You are the best one to decide what is right for you. As is often said, take what you need and leave the rest.

I commented early on about the added pain of actually seeing your WW having sex with another man - especially a friend. I walked in on my finance and saw her having sex with another man in our bed. Even though I quickly ended our relationship, the mind movies haunted me or years. I can’t imagine how much worse they might have been if I stayed with her. Staying in our home was bad enough on its own. It became such a trigger that I finally just had to move. Even if you decide to R, think twice about staying in your house long-term. Every time you go down to your basement there’ll be a potential trigger. There’ll be enough triggers and set-backs without adding even more. Hoping for the best no matter which course you choose.

I want all of you to know how much I appreciate all of the advice I have received here the past few months. None of it has gone unread. Some hurts too much to respond to, some doesn’t apply, and some is spot on. Sometimes all of those things apply to the same person responding. I’m still a wreck. My therapist thinks I’m doing well- all things considered. I think it depends on the week. All I can say is I don’t think I could have gotten as far as I have without you all. And I know I am going to continue needing all of you. I’m almost a week early, but I truly am thankful for all of you. I hate how we have all virtually met, but very thankful for every one of you.

It is just one of those nights. I cannot get out of my own head. Every time I think I’m doing a little bit better I seem to fall more behind. Our daughter came home last night and surprised us coming home early. I was so fucking happy to see her. Today for some reason, it is making me so sad because I realize that our family is broken and they don’t even know it. I am trying so hard to get through the holidays for my kids. Faking this, and my happiness is taking such a toll on me. I need to do this for them not for her. Fuck this is so hard. I know I will go through this, but when does this kind of Pain stop?

I understand your struggles and I was in the same place. The day my therapist Ave I had the discussion that we (I) realize D is inevitable was one of the worst days ever.

I remember pulling into the driveway and sobbing, slumped over the steering wheel of my car, unable to get out of my car (thankfully no kids were home at the time). My CH comes out and sees me and opens the car door and asks "what’s wrong"! 😡😡😡

Hmmm…..you, the CH, are kicking me to the curb after 25 years of marriage for a mid life crisis OW and you ask what is wrong. How stupid and clueless can you be?

I lived for 6 agonizing months with a D hanging over my head. A D I did not want. Yet I knew it was going to break the family apart. And I knew I was going to have to be the one to tell the kids.

You are being forced to play a role you didn’t choose. It is dragging you down b/c you know what is going to happen. My therapist suggested we bring the kids to a session to discuss the D. Professionals know how to navigate these situations to provide guidance and support.

Unfortunately you will have to say WHY the D is happening, otherwise they will blame you. You don’t need sordid details but cheating and inability to recover will be a reasonable explanation.

Your pain is from the weight of this situation on your shoulders. Try to help yourself by saying a small prayer or word that this is not your fault. You did nothing to cause this horrific situation. It was NOT a one time drunken mistake by the cheaters.

And unfortunately R is not an option. Once I stopped blaming myself I started to feel a bit better. Because deep down I knew I had no other options.

Even if you decide to R, think twice about staying in your house long-term. Every time you go down to your basement there’ll be a potential trigger.

I stayed in my house for 6 years after dday1 and 2.

After the last kid graduated and no more kids in school, that house went on the market and we moved 4 months later.

Every time I was in the kitchen I relived the gut punch of him telling me he was with the OW that night. I knew something was going on earlier that night when he was hours late and wouldn’t answer my texts or calls. So I was somewhat prepared.

I thought I could stay in the house too. Those 6 years were pretty happy (Dday until house sold) but I wanted to downsize to a cheaper smaller home to protect myself. So we did.

I can afford our current house on my own if it ever came to that. All part of the trauma.