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there is a possibility for the sender to delete the message on both sides. Moreover, on can see on both of them when the receiver read the message thus delete it afterwards. I believe your BH when he says that he can't remember deleting the message. It was probably the AP

On FM, the sender can delete messages,after they have been sent,but only for a very short amount of time. Like,a few minutes. And that's only if the receiver hasn't seen it yet. The sender can still delete messages from THEIR FM,but, after that few minutes, they can not delete the message they sent the receiver.

I know this for a fact. I've wanted to immediately delete messages I have sent my husband, but was unable to.

Also, if the receiver does delete that message within the few minutes, the receiver gets a notification that the receiver deleted a message.

Maybe you are right. But I was not sure and checked it. I still have the option to delete messages from a long time ago (at least months) that were read. I wouldn't have posted my response otherwise. I'm not a tech prof. and maybe for some FB profiles it's possible and some not. But I'll check it again because I know there more option on FB to delete messages

There could bo other possibilities even for deleting messages (at least four different ones). I'm not sure we can decide but I still believe there'a a possibility he's saying the truth specifically when FB deleting what they decide isn't appropriate. Sometimes it's legitimate stuff. And, of course, in this case it wasn't appropriate. But again I might be wrong on the technical side of the story

[This message edited by LoveMyHusband at 12:39 PM, March 27th (Saturday)]

Yes, you can delete your messages, in your messenger. What you can not do,is delete the message, have it disappear from someone's else's messenger. The only way a person can do that,is if they delete the message they sent, within a very few minutes of time.

I can go back and delete every message I've sent. That doesn't mean the person I messaged no longer can see those messages.

For example, a string of messages, between my daughter and I, Going back years,can be deleted from my nessenger. But that string of messages still appears in her messenger.

However, if I message her,and IMMEDIATELY decide to delete it, I can click on the individual message,and it will give me the option to remove the message,or just remove it for me.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:41 PM, March 27th (Saturday)]

There is a new feature on FB messenger that allows your messages to instantly deleted...it's called Vanish mode.

Yes her AP could have sent the message in vanish mode and it been instantly deleted...for AP and her husband once he viewed it.

I agree with prissy. The AP must have sent the video on vanish mode. It’s a new function on FB, insta and whatsapp. Once the recipient reads the message, it automatically disappears. Both IAT and her BH’s recollections support that.

I had never heard of vanish mode until now.

I'm sure many waywards will love this feature. (I am not referring to anyone on this site).

I guess trying to get the AP to resend the video is not going to go over well, but i think it may be the only way to see it. IaT you need to see it to know if there is something illegal going on. I am so sorry for you and hallmark. I hope you 2 can become friends in the future. perhaps coming back together. Be awesome parents no matter what.

Dark, I have no desire to contact the AP. None. This is what I get for allowing a POSOM into my life. If I had been faithful, I wouldn’t have given this asshole power to continue to hurt my BH and me even years after the affair ended.

I don’t doubt even for a moment that we will be great coparents. Things suck right now. So much pain. We never took time apart after dday and life threw us a ton more curveballs. BH never felt it was the right time to focus on his healing. Now he does. Our boys are loved beyond measure and will continue to be.

I for one thinks it really makes no difference how the message was deleted. It is and that is a good thing. The last thing Hallmack needs is fir that to be available fir him to pain shop with. IMT probably at this point doesn’t want to relive watching it and have it bring her back to what caused the destruction of her marriage.

At this point let it go. It will do no good for either of your healing to focus on the video or the POS who sent it to him.

I think I understand why iAmtrash wants to see the video. If we take her statements as true, then she doesn’t know what was done to her.

As a BH, however, I can say with some confidence that if my wife’s AP ever sent me a video of her doing something she has denied she ever did, I would be done with the marriage and with her forever. I don’t think I’d care very much about her story about how that video came to be. Maybe I’m callous, but I’ve already had more bullshit heaped on my plate than I can reasonably be expected to manage.

No. I don’t want to see the video. I’m not sure how that came up. I don’t. I could have gone the rest of my life not knowing it existed.

My mistake. It has been suggested that you should see it or recover it.

I should have said that if you wanted to see it, or if a person in your position wanted to see it, it would make sense to me. It also makes sense to me that you would not.

I understand. I just was thinking you may ned it for legal action because I don't think this POSOM is anywhere near being out of y'alls life. You may need to go on the offensive with RO/lawsuit maybee criminal charges. Anyway im just one former monster trying to help. That's my take and that and 50 cents will get you a SMALL coke.

I didn’t get to finish reading your response but there are some very bitter and judgmental members in this group that are more concerned with pointing fingers than offering support.

IAT - Something else to do that the same divorced wife did. She cheated then broke up with her BH when during counseling for 3 months she said, "He just can't get over all the anger."

I was really not her fan, but her daughters were my kids friends and went through a lot.

You and Hallmack should record a video about how you love your kids and what you like best about each of them. They will go through some depression is my assumption.

You might also while writing down those good wedding things, maybe say your sorry in a message to him. Don't send it, but record it for the future when you 2 are in a better place.

My friend did that and for their oldest daughter's graduation (2 years in the future) she apologized for screwing everything up. It helped him a lot have his ex wife around after she gave it to him with the recorded date prior to the grad party.

Her BH is better now (4 years after Dday).

Main thing to remember she didn't learn. Stay away from dating until he starts dating or at least a year. It turns into a weird game of chicken in ugly instances like this. It kind of gives your BH time to adjust and not feel like you were planning anything.

With the new baby, you 2 will be in each other's lives a lot. (She didn't do this and he still is kind of pissed at her for dating right after the divorce papers were signed.)