SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It sounds like your indiscretions are manageable. Bullying each other needs to stop.

Silverdollars

Please – I’m about as much man as they come. Drive a truck, fish, drink beer and bourbon, have a wardrobe that would make a lumberjack proud… And I don’t think a "traditional" marriage is where one spouse has more freedom or subdues the other.
Traditional is more where a couple work together to decide how they both want things to be.

I’m just going to copy/paste my suggestion on your other thread. Please take them into serous consideration.

You in the UK?
Use the fantastic resources available to you.
The UK has some excellent domestic abuse hotlines and centers. We tend to think of these places as somewhere physically battered women flee to but it’s so much more. They also help with emotionally subdued or abused women and offer guidance to the process and options of escaping abusive relationships. Sadly – based on my experience working with abuse centers (not UK) – instances like yours are a dime a dozen.
If nothing else a person with knowledge and experience can guide you on your rights, the next steps and what to do. Its highly likely they can offer pro-bono legal advice. They can inform you of your rights, suggest a confrontation plan and so on and so on.
If that’s not appealing or possible… Do you have a friend or relative that could be with you during the confrontation? Your husband is less likely to be abusive if there is someone in the corner witnessing whats going on.

Now I’m going to go whittle a stick while chewing my baccy.

Hi Silverdollars, I was controlled in my marriage too but maybe not to the extent your WH has been treating you. But none the less, it wasn't a healthy marriage by any means.

I didn't realize until after his death how toxic our marriage had become. His thinking was very controlling and he manipulated me by lieing to me to get what he wanted, intentionally trying to hurt me if he didn't like something that he thought was wrong. He even got me to move on false pretenses... we sold our house, packed up all of our belongings and he moved us to the country, almost 2 hours from his work so that he could carry on with his latest girlfriend. And also he didn't want me to get wind from others that he was cheating on me. His coworkers were closing in on him because they knew what he was doing.

At the time it happened I thought we were moving to the country as a family unit, me, my WH and our two kids, to discover a new way of life. But the truth was that he moved us far out of the way so that he could carry on his double life of drinking and other women.

I think if you continue to allow your WH to control your emotions, you will eventually blow up if you haven't already.

Maybe begin to make small changes in the direction of your life you deserve. What he is doing to you and the kid's shows a husband and father who really doesn't care about his family in a loving, caring and healthy way. I am still suffering because of my WH emotional mistreatment, infidelities, abuse and then his death but am also learning to enjoy my life again alongside the grief and pain he caused me.

When he was alive, I used to always wait for him to come home so that we could be together. I really didn't carry on with an outside life outside of my family because I loved all of us so much, my WH and kids.

I never thought that there would have been a way out of my situation because like you, first of all, I also deeply loved my WH and my kids, I mostly enjoyed spending my time with him and put my kids in a lot of activities. I loved what I thought was an authentic life. And that is what I knew.

He didn't want me to work or have a life outside the family. He wanted me to stay home and take care of the kids and family.

Today I realize he wanted these things for me as a form of control and manipulation because what HE was doing was causing him to be so fearful that another man would come along and take me away from him. I was devoted and he wasn't. But what his behaviors did to his psyche was crazy.

His behaviors caused him all sorts of problems; unfounded jealousy towards me, paranoia, accused me of cheating which wasn't true.

I could never understand his jealousy until I was able to piece together his double life from little bits and pieces he shared with me. Just typing these memories out makes me want to throw up. I still can feel so full of disgust when reliving these memories but have also worked through most of my feelings and m stronger and more capable today. But still to this day I get pretty upset when thinking about it but it doesn't control my life anymore like it once did.

Several months before his death (2 1/2 years ago) he told me that having sex with other women was no big deal. It was a comment in reference to a conversation we were having. He even told me that he wouldn't blame me if I went out on him. I felt his comment was more like a pass for me to go have sex with another man which I obviously didn't take him up on his offer. He also came home several times not smelling right if you get my drift. Disgusting.

My deceased WH destroyed my feelings toward him. He destroyed our family structure and our marriage. I wanted to love him and who I wanted him to be so badly but the truth is he was just being who he was, just like yours is being who he is.

Since my WH death 2 1/2 years ago, I clearly can see how toxic and how controlling my Deceased WH was. I clearly can see how toxic our relationship and family dynamics were. I can now see how selfish he was. I used to think he was so generous. Now I clearly can see that his generosity was built around getting what he wanted out of life. Alcohol, other women, whatever other addictions he was attending to were. And living separately several days a week helped to allow him to captolize on his sickness.

I sometimes think about these memories with disgust because he tainted everything in our marriage, the good things and bad. He was an active cheater and a liar since the day I met him, 35 years ago this past October 10th, when we first met. I suppose if I could go back I would listen to myself a little better when I first saw him acting out.

I am so sorry my WH had to die instead of working towards a wonderful life for our last part of our lives together... but today I feel it was impossible for himout. make any changes permanently. Like the therapist reflected back to me the other day, he was an addict, alcoholic, personality disordered, cheater, liar, impulsive, manipulative, toxic. To me, these are not traits that I would consider to be about a healthy, loving marriage. And controlling behavior is definitely not love.

What I hope for you is to begin to carve a whole new path out in life for just you and your kid's. It only takes one decision at a time to find a new life filled with much better opportunities than what your abusive WH is offering you. I also hope that sooner than later you will find your voice. I too was like you and put my WH on a pedestal. And I thought the world of mine because a small part of him was good.

Today I'm taking advantage of my newfound freedom like never before. I even booked a flight, hotel reservations, a car rental and tickets to a special event next week. And I'm going by myself! I never would have been able to do that when he was alive. I used to be so afraid of everything because of him. Not anymore. Bring it on!

silverdollars -
I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I'm no clinician but it sounds like you are trauma bonded to your husband. You know that he's an abuser but you're frozen and can't leave. I'm not sure what it'll take for you to leave him, as it's not abnormal for a domestic violence victims to have difficulty leaving their abuser. Maybe if you shift focus. Instead of thinking what he wants or what you want, what's best for your children? Don't they deserve not to be abused? You brought them into this world and they didn't ask for this. Please protect them. You also sound like you are clinically depressed, ask your therapist to refer you to a psychiatrist. I empathize that therapy is expensive, but it's not a want for you at this time, it is a need. You are being abused, you are depressed and you have trauma in your past. Think of it like food. You need food to live, and the prices are rising, but you can't not eat. For your health and for your children's sake you cannot stop therapy. There's a really good book I suggest you read, it's called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You can locate a free pdf online. I urge you to read it and to continue in your therapy. A silver (wink) lining is that you are reaching out for help. You know what must be done but maybe need more encouragement. Prioritize your children and find that courage to leave, only then does the abuse cease and you can start to heal. He will not change and you know that.

Thanks for coming here.

The truth is he won't change for the better but you can.

You can get stronger every day.

Today it seems impossible to have another life but every day as you gain self confidence you see it more and more clearly. I wish you could run right now but if you can't, you can think about your options.

You need to get out, take a class, go to a club meeting, get out and exercise. You need to get out of the house. You need money of your own.

You know it isn't right. Your person is being controlled. Please go somewhere and taste some freedom for a bit. Even if you lived in a palace, you would still need freedom to be yourself.

Keep posting here. This is just the first step.

SD,

I agree with Bigger.

It sounds like your indiscretions are manageable. Bullying each other needs to stop.

What are silverdollars' indiscretions? I don't see any. What 'indiscretions' do you see?

Also, I read about bullying going one way, from WH to silverdollars. How do you see mutual bullying?

My husband also gets all bent out of shape whenever I bring up his infidelities; however, we do need to talk about it. He needs to face the facts and you need to know that it's not your fault or anyone else's. My husband said it was because of his childhood. His mother never told him that she loved him; however, that did not excuse the cheating. He had a wife and kids who loved him. I came to terms with his cheating after 20 years of marriage. Here I am still here after 52 years but I recently found out the extent of his cheating. I probably should have left after the first 20 years. Who knows what would have been, but I chose to stay and fight for my marriage. I don't know if that was the right decision after the recent revelations. He is sorry and I believe he truly loves me, but he certainly never gave me or the kids a second thought whenever he felt like cheating.
You need to talk with him regardless of how angry he becomes. Find a time and place away from your children and have an all-out discussion. If you need to scream, scream. If you need to cry, cry. Do not keep your feelings bottled up inside. If he will not allow you to get your feelings out in the open, leave.

Talking is necessary for R, but like R, talking takes 2. If one partner won't talk, I don't see how R is possible, but there's no legal or reasonable way to make a WS talk. All the BS can do is rugsweep or leave.

Note, though, that a BS can heal, recover, and thrive even if the WS is not a candidate for R - but it takes detaching from the WS. That's extra-difficult for victims of abuse, but even victims of abuse can do what they need to do.

Silverdollar

It takes such a humongous amount of courage to take that first step…
I want to encourage you to find that courage.
Find a safe place. Somewhere you know you can get 1-2 hours without him.
Phone a domestic abuse hotline. They understand whats going on. They don’t trace the call, call back, offer third parties any information… In my area the phone and phone number doesn’t even show up on any record. You can keep your cloak of anonymity on as long as you need.
They can offer you so much help and guidance.
It’s not as if you will be moved into a shelter the same day. We tend to hear "domestic abuse" and envision physically batterer women, but I venture that 80% of what they deal with is comparable to your situation.

Please Silver – find that courage to make that call.

Love to you Silver. Life is a gift. None of us were meant to live in pain.