SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

((Brother))

Please do not offer R too soon, you cannot win her back, she will need to be shocked out of this fog.

Do the exact opposite of what you are thinking. Get the D papers or separation papers and confront with shock and awe! Or use other ideas of exposure you have been given.

"Pick me dances" NEVER WORK. Let her pick up the ruins of her decisions not you.

Try Reading "Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis" by James Dobson

I also think she wants you to know about this affair or she would never have let you work on her phone with those messages around.

Hoping you can save your marriage.

Organic2003

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 5:44 AM, Thursday, December 1st]

Oh this is aweful.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Two things I want to emphasize, even though they have already been mentioned.

#1 -- Before confrontation, make copies of all the evidence you can gather. Make several copies. Keep them in a safe place where they won't unexpectedly "disappear". If you have a lawyer you should leave some copies with him or her. One thing I would suggest when confronting is to keep your cards close to your vest. Just tell her you know about her adultery with the boy. Tell her you have more than enough documentation and evidence. Don't tell her how you know.

Tell her that you are having DNA tests done on the youngest. This will probably scramble her brain.

Tell her you are getting checked for STDs, and she should also. No one knows what that boy was up to on his mission trip.

#2 -- Lawyer up!!! In fact, if it is practical, you should see a lawyer before confrontation, so that you can receive guidance on how to proceed with the confrontation and the aftermath. You need to know exactly what you are facing from a legal standpoint. The lawyer should be a family law lawyer, or an experienced divorce lawyer. Even if you decide to attempt reconciliation, it is well worth knowing what options are available to you. Knowledge is Power, and from here on in, you should try to operate from a position of power.

I wish you the best.

I don't see any benefit in waiting till the weekend to confront. Kick the ungrateful POS out of your house, let your and her family know what's going on, and only think about yourself and the kids for now. Set an example for them on how to deal with betrayal and grief.

You have a wife who won't have sex with you, but is all about it with the orphan you were nice enough to take in. She yells at you for touching her and disrespects you all the time. And now you don't even know if your youngest kid is actually yours. That's who she is, she's not insane, she's just not who you thought she was.

You should really think about whether you want to be married to someone like that. Ask yourself what you get out of this marriage and why do you want it? It can NEVER go back to the way it was. You might be able to rebuild a different marriage with her but it won't be the same. If you're going to build a new marriage is she the one you'd pick to do it with? I think at the very least any interaction you have with her that should be question on your mind, not whether you can forgive her or get over this, but do you even want to? Its on her to convince you to stay not on you to figure out a path forward.

If what you say about not hating her is true, then that's mainly because you're still in the bargaining phase of grief over your marriage. You probably want that punk out of the house before the anger phase hits, I'd hate to see you on the evening news in handcuffs.

To be honest I'm hoping she's so far gone that she choses to leave with this kid, for your sake. I can't even imagine the years of anguish and heartache it'll take to reconcile from this, and you seem like a good enough guy to sacrifice your happiness trying to.

I agree with confronting her now. Never, ever reveal your sources. Don't tell her how you found out, just inform her you know. Then let her do the talking. She will lie, gaslight, blameshift, that's what cheaters do when they are exposed.

You need to get out of infidelity.

I'm so so sorry. This is truly sick and twisted, this young man comes from abuse and honestly, your wife is now the abuser. By no means am I giving him a pass, but she's the adult in the room.

I'd also out them to church members.

The best way to end an affair is to expose it.

Make appointments with several attorneys. Consultations are generally free.

That young man needs to find a new home. Now.

Your wife has had an affair that borders on criminal if there was any sexual behavior before he was 18.

I just hope you can heal and reconcile from all of this. You have a very tough road ahead of you.

I do hope your wife gets her head out of the sand and acknowledges her role and poor choices in what she has done.

Before you confront your WW with the evidence you've garnered of her very selfish betrayal, it's imperative that you make several copies and keep them in a secure location, such as a bank security box, and if you don't already have a lawyer, make it an immediate priority to hire the services of an aggressive lawyer who specializes in divorce cases. Give your lawyer copies of the evidence too.
A key issue you're also going to have to explore, and your lawyer will be able to help you here, is the probability that your WW has broken laws concerning adult/child sex and the results of any prosecution she might face.
Do not seek advice from your church bishop or any other church leaders, you must be sure to follow only the counsel of lay specialists dealing with a terrible situation of this nature. If you file divorce as a way to snap her out ot her fog, add the short sharp shock of having her served in front of church members if possible. She needs to know that you mean business.

I’m sorry you had to find us this way. You have received very good advice, some of it may seem harsh, some of it goes against what you believe and what feels like the right thing to do.

There are decades of experience with infidelity here on SI. Everyone’s story is different, but there are common things that all cheaters do, as if they are following the same "Cheaters Handbook". We already have an idea of what the confrontation will look like because we’ve all done it.

Please listen to the advice here take what you need and leave the rest.

My advice,

Take a deep breath and act decisively.

You don’t have to publicly humiliate her,

You need to be emotionless in front of her during the confrontation

Do not offer any chance of R, the marriage (M) is over she killed it. (Doesn’t mean you can’t build a new one). But the M you had is gone, nothing will bring it back, or be the same.

Don’t share your source of information.

Let her do the talking

Any of her questions are met with "you tell me"

she needs to feel the consequences immediately.

Tell her parents and make those people leave

We can hear the lies and manipulation already, so please return and run it by the us, you are safe here.

[This message edited by Tanner at 1:03 PM, Thursday, December 1st]

You benefit from finding this site early on. There are so many things I would have done differently if I had the benefit of the past experiences of so many people who have walked the path before me. Listen to them. Take what you want, leave what you dont.

Your wife has crossed so many sacred boundries..... her marriage, her church, her family, the young man she stepped up to parent. her personal moral compass. Her world needs to be shaken to its core for her to "get it".

Plan, plan, plan and then act.

No one’s said this yet so I will. Your wife is a predator. Maybe she didn’t start out that way, but that’s who she is now. This young man was a BOY who came from an abusive home and came to rely on her emotionally and financially. She took the motherly adoration she received from him and turned it into something sick and perverse. The fact that she conducted this affair right under your nose and the same roof as you and your children is just the icing on the cake.

I think you should divorce her and seek for full custody of your 5 children. You can use the evidence you have to support your claims and I would advise you to do some digging, maybe even hire a PI if you need to, and find out why she was fired from the school.

I plan to offer the chance to reconcile on the condition that he leaves the house, she cuts off all contact, and we go to couples therapy, but I honestly don't feel confident she will choose that.

That is flawed logic. That's you, trying to control her and the outcome, in advance. But I think you realize that. You can only control you. If/when you confront, your statements should be "I" and "me".

In response to your query, most here favor shock and awe. Blowing things up. Infidelity thrives in darkness and secrecy. It shrivels in the light of day.

Also, I concur with the recommendation to eschew advice of religious counselors or advisors. There are so many threads here of "religious" men trapped into dysfunctional marriages with unremorseful cheating wives, based on advice of religious leaders. I don't know a lot about LDS, but my impression from my handful of LDS acquaintances is that the community is a lot like the Evangelical community, which I do know. Evangelicals are crawling with hypocrites and cheater, and religious counselors who bully cuckolded husbands to remain married to their cheating wives in the interest of preserving the image of "healthy family" within the community.

By the way, if the daughter is the AP's biological child, if my math is correct, this means she had sex with a student who was under 18, which is illegal in most states. That sort of evidence would go a long way in court, even in Utah, on matters of child custody. In other words, paradoxically, your daughter being the AP's biological child could be a win-win for you. It would enable you to keep your daughter in your primary custody, and love her as much as you wish.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 1:24 PM, Thursday, December 1st]

Yikes. Dude you need to get a little angry. I’m a Christian and live to forgive but there are something’s that even Christianity can’t and won’t tolerate. Even if you R, I think you need to put on your man pants and file for divorce and take it all the way to the edge before considering to try. She may bail on you with her tru wov anyway. She did a horrible thing to you and your family and you need to call her out and make her understand that this is likely the end of the line and that she will need to walk on water back to you

So sorry that this happened to you. Your story sounds utterly crazy, stay strong.

Please listen to all the great advice given above.

If you or your wife go for individual counseling make sure it is with a secular counselor... one well versed in infidelity and trauma (because you might end up with PTSD from this clusterfuck). Do not do religious counseling... especially marriage counseling. As Butforthegrace said above, they will try to bury the affair so that they can put on a superficial good image of having happy families as members.

My wife and I know of several couples suffering from adultery in the church where we are members. The couples were mentally "bullied" into rugsweeping and they are not happy. It is sad. The church counselors usually point out the book of Hosea. However, that book was dealing with the unfaithfulness of a nation... not an individual marriage.

There was a thread here two or three years ago that had rugsweeping. I can't remember the original poster's name. His father-in-law was a minister and had more or less bullied him into rugsweeping his wife's first known affair. The problem was that she had another affair about 10 years later. His father-in-law again tried to get him to bury and rugsweep the second known affair. It would really look bad for the father-in-law, as head minister of the church, if his daughter was branded as an adulteress. The original poster refused and had some heated words from his father-in-law. He went the divorce route instead of trying to reconcile with someone who had no remorse.

Your wife should address the problems that caused all this and it can't be glossed over with happy platitudes. She should work with a secular counselor who knows what they are dealing with.

Hope all goes well for you... not only with this situation, but for the rest of your life.

If you can get a VAR before you talk to her. Her reaction to you touching her when you were trying to snuggle in bed is concerning.

And once you do confront...keep an eye out for manipulation to control you.

She has deceived you and betrayed and is not your friend right now.

Obviously, remember that her "partner in crime" is living with you. Too much opportunity to line up stories and gang up on you.

Stay strong!

She has been an amazing mother to them the whole time.

No sir. No.

It's commonly said that a cheating spouse is a lousy parent. A cheating spouse is also betraying the kids. They are also exposing the other parent to possible deadly stds. They're risking their children's home,security, family, and happiness, by having an affair. They're taking time from their children,to spend with the AP. They are not amazing parents.

However, your WW has gone even further than most cheating wives. She brought this young troubled, neglected CHILD into your home. Encouraged him to call the two of you mom and dad. Encouraged your children to call him their brother. And she has been having an affair with him.

As someone mentioned, this is predatory behavior.

And, yes, he is legally an adult. I want you to look at your 16 year old. In 2 very short years, they will legally be an adult. However, emotionally, and often mentally, they are still very much NOT an adult. They think they know everything. Those of us who are older know that's not true. They don't have an understanding of how the world works,that goes along with getting older. This man is still very much a kid.

Regardless,he has to leave the home. Let's just not put the blame on him, entirely. Your wife is to blame here. What she has done is sick.

It's interesting that you don't know why she left her job,as a teacher. I think you should look into it. It's highly possible there was inappropriate behavior between and this kid,and that's why she lost her job.

It's hard to hear that your wife is a bad mom. I know. A good parent sets a good example. She's failed. You will come to find out that the woman you believed your wife to be,is not who she truly is.

Don't believe anything she says. She has manipulated, and lied to you, for years. She's quite comfortable with it.

I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:50 PM, Thursday, December 1st]

I forgot this..

Both kids, a girl, and a boy, come from abusive homes, and both had experienced sexual trauma in their past from relatives outside the home.

This just makes what she has done all the more horrific. This boy was traumatized sexually,molested or raped,by someone in their family. Your wife encouraged him to call him mom,and went on to have sex with him.

It takes a very sick person to do something like this. I'm sorry,no disrespect to those who have said this is a typical affair. It's nowhere near typical. The above quote shines a whole different light on her behavior.

I agree with others that you need find out what happened with the school. Religious organizations are notorious for covering up sexual crimes and also rug sweeping infidelity. I won’t make assumptions but you need answers. Be very careful who you trust right now.

Ox,

Your wife has inflicted untold damage on this Kid by abusing an abused boy. If he doesn't receive the needed IC. Then I can see him or someone he is in a future relationships with ending up on an Infidelity Support Forum in the future. Could be numerous lives impacted by her actions.

Strength to you