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Let me see if I understand the AP's threat correctly. I'm surmising that your WW and the AP are not co-workers, nor is the AP a representative of a vendor of your WW's place of employment.

Nevertheless, the AP says that if you tell his fiance, he will reach out to the board of directors of your WW's employer. And tell them what, exactly? That your WW, an adult woman, had consensual sex with an adult man? How could that in any way impact her career, at all?

Maybe you're mad because you've been trying to convince yourself that your wife was a victim in all of this,but you know,deep down,she was very much not.

And..ok..she's so remorseful..yet she herself has told you how manipulated she was..she's even in IC to get over being used by this man.

Please.

And not telling his fiance because he said he would tell her board of directors? Lol. Sounds like an excuse a cheater uses to keep her BS from doing the right thing,and outing the affair to the OBS.

That your WW, an adult woman, had consensual sex with an adult man? How could that in any way impact her career, at all?

Agree with this. The Board has no business in the bedroom of it's employees.

I'm not one of those people that believes you have to save all your anger for your spouse. It's not like a pie, you're not going to run out. In my case, anger was like a renewable resource. Like the sun, it came back hot and furious on a pretty regular schedule. It makes sense to be mad at the AP, he knowingly interfered in your marriage and has never taken steps to apologize and atone for it. In your case, he also sounds like a A-hole who hasn't suffered consequences. So sure, tell his fiance. Not only is it likely to blow up his life, it also has the added benefit of being the right thing to do (and potentially saving this poor woman from chaining herself to a jerkoff).

ALL THAT SAID, I *do* think that it sounds like you're discounting your wife's culpability in all of this. She was a full-blown adult with a job important enough that it has her reporting to the Board of Directors. She was not some guileless child. She SOUGHT OUT an affair by creating an Ashley Madison profile and continued to see the AP after you found out. He didn't trick her into anything. It may be that thinking of her as a victim of sorts served some purpose in the early days of finding out as it enabled you to continue in your marriage but this narrative you've built of the A in your mind is not going to serve you well in the long run. If you truly believe she can be easily manipulated by some fast-talking salesman, how are you ever going to feel safe in your marriage? Especially in your situation where your wife went out looking for it because if it wasn't him, it was going to be someone else.

I think that if you shift your mindset, you'll come to learn that your wife and her AP are both flawed people that rely on others for their self-esteem. Over time, you'll probably stop thinking of him as some big bad wolf and start thinking of him as the pathetic, deeply flawed person that he is.

FINALLY, I would be remiss not to ask, are you absolutely SURE he threatened blackmail? Like was this communicated directly to you? I ask because "Don't tell on him to his partner because he might do something bad to retaliate" is absolutely a line out of cheaters 101. It's up there with "don't tell her husband, he's abusive."

Given what you wrote there are two main possibilities.

The OM really did threaten blackmail.

Your WW is saying he did to protect him.

In either case the cure is full exposure don't warn or threaten and don't let your WW know.

Expose the OM facebook, linkedin, girlfiend, kids over 18, him relatives, coworkers, etc etc. Everyone you can find.

If your WW is distraught about it you know she still have feelings for him.

What OM did may be considered blackmail. In addition OM will implicate himself.

See an Attorney regarding this.

WW is worried that he’ll spill that they had an affair at a hotel during business hours, which is true. I know her board of directors will not like that accusation. It is a fireable offense.

But he also knows where we live bc he knows my WW’s full name and mine (can easily look this up). He could look at the assessor for our address.

My WW told me he has threatened our family too.

At this point she doesn’t fear for her job but our family and any violence.

She’s actually looking for a new job right now partially bc of this

Also FTR I have discussed this with my IC and he advised against doing this. He thinks this will cause more problems for everybody and won’t do anything to fix the primary problem

You need to tell his fiancée. Aside from the fact that it’s the moral and ethical thing to do, she is at risk of getting an STD from this serial cheater.

If your wife gets fired because she fucked a guy during business hours, well… the word for that is CONSEQUENCES. She should’ve known that she was taking that risk at the time. So perhaps it’s time that she start brushing up on her resume.

But quite frankly, I would be surprised if that threat amounted to anything. Unless she has morality clause as part of her employment or works for church/nonprofit with a specific moral mission, I doubt that her company is going to take action against her. Another thing to consider that your wife could potentially sue her company for sex-based discrimination. I’ve seen that happen at companies where a woman was fired for having an affair with a coworker, even though it went against company policy.

Lastly, I think you’re making this guy out to be bigger and more powerful in your head than he is in real life. He’s nothing but a two-bit scumbag. Your wife knew it, but chose to sleep with him anyway.

He's made violent threats towards the family. Straight out of the cheaters handbook.

And if you doing the moral, right thing causes issues in your "R", then you never had a chance to begin with. If your possible R hinges on you being an affair accomplice,and keeping this man's serial cheating from an innocent victim, if it makes your wife mad that you did the right thing, then by your silence, you are teaching her with your inaction that sometimes it's ok to keep an affair quiet. Not a good lesson for a cheating wife.

Honestly, I'd get a new IC. Many of these people are not morally grounded and have a machiavelian approach to things. Exposing this person to his SO is the right thing to do.

A lot of IC's are not well grounded in infidelity. Even if your's is, this issue is partially a legal one, not one just for your IC.

Please document these threats, the OM needs to be in jail.

Research if the OM beat up his first wife. He may already been charged and his history will work against him in court.

Was the OM rough or did he do things to humiliate your WW?

I'd also add that while OM is clearly a POS your anger for him is a bit misplaced. He did not marry you or owe you anything...your wife should be taking 100% of this as it relates to you and your marriage (unless it was grape, of course). The great majority of your anger and disappointment should rightfully be with the person who broke your vows.

Please remember that this is the Reconciliation forum and that name calling is not permitted here.

I'd also add that while OM is clearly a POS your anger for him is a bit misplaced. He did not marry you or owe you anything...your wife should be taking 100% of this as it relates to you and your marriage (unless it was grape, of course). The great majority of your anger and disappointment should rightfully be with the person who broke your vows.

Nailed it!

WW is worried that he’ll spill that they had an affair at a hotel during business hours, which is true. I know her board of directors will not like that accusation. It is a fireable offense.

You don't say what your WW does for a living, but I can tell you that, at least in the private sector, if an employee is valued, perceived as adding value, has deep roots in key operations (all of which is likely for a higher level employee who reports directly to the board as opposed to a supervisor), the board will keep her around regardless what some random third person says she did, in the past (during a period in which her job performance is known and presumably was good) in her private life. These sorts of things can become an issue if they involve a co-worker who might sue for workplace harassment or some such, but not in cases like this.

Of course, if your WW were truly approaching infidelity recovery from a place of courage, humility, honest, transparency, and empathy (which, per your posts, she is not), she would have already figured out a way to get out ahead of this. Unless, perhaps, she already has. You say:

At this point she doesn’t fear for her job ....

So which is it? Is her job in jeopardy, or not? I rather suspect not.

But he also knows where we live bc he knows my WW’s full name and mine (can easily look this up). He could look at the assessor for our address.

That's pretty much true for anybody.

My WW told me he has threatened our family too.

Ah, the old "my WW, who has a history of lying and deceiving to protect her A and her AP, tells me a thing about the AP that has the effect of making me shiver me timbers, for the express purpose of stopping me from reaching out to the OBW. And I chose to believe this one statement from her, despite the fact that the odds of it being true are pretty low, and also despite the fact that her approach generally has been to encourage me to enable her to continue lying and presenting a false image of herself.

Countless threads on here where the WW said some version of this. It's almost cliche.

By the way, the foregoing discussion is about you telling the AP's fiance that he cheated with your WW.

In August of last year, you said this:

This guy was terrible at hiding his identity. My wife easily found him out and told me. So on July 22nd I sent a fb message to his wife telling her everything. I took control and ended this myself. Mainly bc I thought she could fall in love with him and they planned to meet weekly. The guy is pissed bc he’s caught and my wife is freaking out, but I have control. I don’t care bc f*ck him.

I'm confused. Does the AP have a wife, or a fiance? Or did he, in the past 14 months, get divorced and now has a new fiance? In either event, it seems like you've already confronted the AP once and he neither reported your WW to her board of directors nor massacred your family, so there's that. Or perhaps there is more than one AP?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 4:09 PM, Friday, December 9th]

I can’t address the blackmail, but I know the hate of the OM.

Some people have said it already-he owed you nothing, it is your WW who hurt you.

My case was a little different, as I caught them in a NC break, and called his wife. My wife replied as I hung up the phone -"I hope OM doesn’t think I betrayed him".

I went on hating him longer than I should have. Finally my 5 year old said something was wrong with daddy, he is so mad all the time. Out of the mouths of babes…

I cried that night, and gave all to God. I sobbed so hard, and was exhausted. I knew even I beat the hell out of OM, it would never be enough. After I prayed to God to be the final judge, the anger went away. (Not instantly, but it started to fall off quickly after my prayer) I started sleeping normally again, and really healed myself.

That was 25 years ago. He means nothing to me today. I have no idea if he and his wife reconciled or divorced, but it does not matter one bit to me.

Good luck Bud

I literally want to go to this man’s house and beat the hell out of him.

Go for it. That piece of shit knew the risk he was taking chasing married women. He knew if caught, he could be killed. A guy once told me "rude people have to be dealt with in rude ways"

Give that piece of shit something to remember you by other than screwing your wife.

Check your local laws. Where I live a good ole ass whipping is a misdemeanor assault charge with little fine. As long as you are bare handed (no weapons).

[This message edited by Jimmy1962 at 5:27 PM, Saturday, December 24th]

Jimmy1962,

We never encourage violence on this site.

Keep in mind that this is the Reconciliation Forum:
A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories, and triggers while trying to reconcile. There is to be no name calling in this forum. Venting is to be limited to you and/or your partner. Please post respectfully and constructively keeping in mind the goal for this forum is to reconcile. It's a long road, but you can do it!

Disregarding guidelines can lead to removal of posting privileges.

I will never be someone who says you shouldn't be mad at the ap. Of course you should. They wronged you and caused you pain and inserted themselves into your life and anger at them is a perfectly natural response to all of that.

I get how scary directing that anger at your spouse feels - boy did I feel that too. But ap's are only there because your ws let them be there and it's really okay to be angry at her for putting you in such a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't position. It's a lot easier in some ways to direct all that rage at a stranger, someone you don't have years of life history with. It's 'safe' to put the anger on the ap, because they have given you a very good reason to hate them.

But your wife... she created a profile on AM, yes? So she was actively seeking out an affair all on her own. Like took time and effort to purposely try to find an ap. So I'm sorry, but I just ain't buying the "he manipulated me into it" and "getting therapy to get over being used by him" shtick. He might be a manipulative blackmailing jerk, but the fact of the matter is that your wife opened that door willingly and let him right in. And until she fully owns that (which if she's in therapy to 'get over being used' by a man she willingly started stuff with, she ain't there yet) you really don't have a whole lot to work with.