SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I spoke with a Doctor and recieved a exam, he did penetrate me so, it's technically rape.

Dear lord. So he didn't just attempt it, he actually did.

I'm sorry, stuff like this really gets me. Once this kind of conduct happens, I can't bring myself to give any advice on reconciliation. Even if he is remorseful and ashamed about it now. Forgive me.

I am Catholic and I do hate divorce.

As someone who grew up in a Catholic household, infidelity is actually a legitimate reason for divorce despite many Catholics saying otherwise.

My husband has been staying at his parents, took some time off from work to collect himself. He's been upset, ashamed and throwing up! He's crumbling because he has destroyed his family. He's let the kids down and I know that is unbearable for him.

That's all well and good, but what's he doing for professional help? I know it can get pretty tricky in regards to finding the right therapist, but he'll keep spiraling otherwise.

But why didn't he think of this BEFORE he slept with this woman?

A question we all wish we had the answer to. He said he wasn't in a good mental space, right? That would be a start for when he gets the help needed to sort through that mess. His guilt can only carry him so far.

I apologize my mind is mush. I haven't been able to sleep, the stress of all of this is compounding.

I'm sorry if you've answered this, but are you in therapy for yourself? You're dealing with a lot: a betrayal piled by physical and sexual abuse. That could all be cause for PTSD.

He's agreed he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He claims to understand that I can't forgive. But he is calling and texting me, saying he loves me. He sent Rose's. He's not bombarding me with take me backs. He agrees to help me with whatever I need, but he will not cease the love text etc.

Still cause for concern, IMO. He's still lovebombing you. He won't go for take-backs, but he keeps hassling you with his claims of love. Honestly, I say tell him if that were true, then he should stop with that behavior and get himself together. He needs to show it by honoring your request for space; what he's currently doing isn't helping you.

How long will it be before I begin to feel like I can get a handle on this situation.

Won't sugarcoat it: it depends on the person. From a month to a year out. But in your case, you're just barely out of the starting gate.

Just breathe and take the emotions as they come. Keep yourself nourished and hydrated, and if you start to lose steam, keep moving for your kids.

You deserve some much-needed TLC

[This message edited by Forks027 at 7:00 AM, Sunday, May 14th]

I refuse to a victim. But I don't feel safe stirring the pot and possibly costing him his career. That may really cause him to harm me.

I know you are already moving toward divorce, but I also suspect you may be (or may become) conflicted as time passes and he continues to apologize and appear remorseful. So: Your husband broke this marriage.

He effectively stopped being married to you when he got himself a girlfriend.

He cemented it when he beat and raped you.

In a recent post, you said that this wasn't his character. Basically, he's not really like this. But, he IS like this. He did these things. Your own acknowledgement that he might harm you again shows that you know he is actually like this.

One of the hardest things to wrap your head around after betrayal (and after domestic violence) is that your spouse is the kind of person you never suspected them to be. They are not who you thought they were, and they are capable of great selfishness and harm.

It's so shocking and such a difficult thing to wrap your head around. It's why all of use have experienced real grief at the loss of what we thought we had. Expect the grief to come, as the shock wears off.

Gather your support system around you and have them help you stay resolved.

To answer some of the questions, I feel my last post was just a bunch of crazy rambling, and venting. I don't think I answered a single question.

He is in professional counseling. Scaring his kids, and disappointing them, also explaining why he's not been home with them really has shook him. He was seeking immediately.
I have not yet. I think my first reaction has been shock. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do to support these kids in my own. Having to possibly move? Sell our home? Divorce. I don't know if I can even afford rent considering the high prices of everything! The average cost of a small apartment in my city is over $3300.
I realize I need professional help. I have spoken to the church as well. There are groups for this, but I haven't attended yet. I'm functioning as a single Mom now. I don't have the time. I don't have my husband to take the kids, or any one else to give me a break. That has been hard. I took the kids to their grandparents because I was spiraling myself. But this isn't something I can regularly do. They both work as well! I do understand I need to get help. My husband sent a text,and he once again was apologizing. Saying he was sorry for ruining my life and my Mothers Day. He asked if I minded if he took the kids this morning to get gifts for me. For Mothers Day. I simply text back. I just wanted to be alone.
I thought going for a drive for the day would be good for me. If he could keep the kids,I would appreciate it.
I think he took that as I'm suicidal?? I woke up to my sister in law and my Brother frantically ringing my doorbell at 5:16 am. With other family members on the phone. My Husband was extremely worried about my wellbeing, I didn't seem like myself. He actually thinks I would end my life?!

He was afraid when I stopped responding to text and calls. It was late. I'm drained. Stress, truly drains you. I used to say I would be stressed and tired at times in the past. But boy, I had no idea what I was talking about. That was nothing compared to how I feel now.

I mentioned. I am Catholic and I hate divorce. I am not a super Catholic far from it. But I do respect the church. My Husband is a strong Catholic and I think this has compounded the shock. He has gone against his belief. We went into this marriage to be together forever, we did the classes for Catholics before marriage and I thought our union was blessed. Obviously I was wrong.
It's very scary for me right now. I hate this.
I plan on asking. him to respect my space and privacy. To please stop sending the inappropriate text. The calls, are all inappropriate. Does he even mean it? I wonder if he ever really loved me? If he did he wouldn't have hurt me like this. Just some thoughts going through my mind.

I’m so sorry for the situation that you are in, and all of the sorrow it is causing you.

Regarding your question about him texting you so much and telling you how much he loves you…

Maybe you have decided to ignore his texts. If so, you should stick to that. But it might be helpful to text him back that if he is serious about loving you, that you want him to know that the texts are hurting you. And if he does really love you, he will stop them. See what he does.

If his love texts are in order to win you back when you have told him you cannot go back with him, then he is being 100% selfish.

But if he really does love you, then his actions will show you that. And he will stop doing the thing that you tell him is hurting you.

I'm going to be very blunt,because you are in shock,and you need something to bring you out of it.

He raped you. He is a rapist. Your husband is a rapist. It doesn't matter if he was in a rage. A man can be extremely livid,and never even consider laying a hand on his wife. Ask the BH here.

He's lying. He didn't beat,and rape you,because he was "so angry and upset with himself." That makes no sense.

He beat you,and RAPED you, because he was losing control of you.

He is a rapist.

And,the worst part(which is extraordinary, because how can this get worse??!!) is he did this with your children screaming,and crying, on the other side of the door. He did this with them hearing him beat and rape their mother.

The damage he has caused your children will last them the rest of their lives. They will never forget what they heard. They will never forget the fear they had. Never. No amount of therapy..and they need therapy..will make them forget.

Stop sending the kids with him for any reason. I don't care if this was out of character for him. It's who he is to them now. He is dangerous. They are scared of him.

Tell him to stop contacting you.

He does not love you. A man who beats and rapes you does not love you.

You have bruises around your neck? So that means he tried to strangle you,and he put enough pressure on your neck to cause terrible bruises. What happens when a person is strangled? Their air supply is cut off. It can lead to death. The man tried to kill you.

HE TRIED TO KILL YOU.

HE RAPED YOU.

YOUR CHILDREN HEARD EVERYTHING.

HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

His tears are for himself. Not you. He doesn't want to lose his lifestyle,and reputation. He also knows you have enough evidence to have him put in jail,and damage his career. His love bombing is about him, not you.

Call an attorney. File for divorce. Tell him to stay away from you,and the kids. They also need time to heal.

This man is a monster.

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are here. While we are not you, many of us have been in similar situations, so we do understand how you feel and how difficult this is. You have been heard.

Your decision to divorce is wise. once a physical line is crossed, it is easy to cross it again. And this by all definitions was abusive violence. I agree with the comments around control. Protecting your children and yourself is your first priority

I think your ex needs to provide funding to support the children even now. He does not get off scot-free.

I am concerned about him raising alarm bells about your mental health. Be very very careful here. This could be the start of a story. A story where you as a mother are unstable, the fact that all of your family raced over to make sure you’re OK and are worried about you, supports his storyline. Quite frankly, I think you need to talk to a divorce lawyer immediately. Protect yourself and don’t let this type of activity happen again. I hope I am not raising a point that is real, but it could be. He has proven in extreme ways to you that you cannot trust him, believe it.

Your friend"s recommendation to have revenge sex is a really really bad idea at this point in time. I would suggest that your friend has no idea what she’s talking about. If you strike up a relationship with your neighbor, it will add fuel to The fire with your soon to be exhusband - while you think he is remorseful and sorry, why risk it. Also, it will confuse you when you are nowhere near, finishing your current relationship. And it could impact your divorce, and who needs this? You have enough complications and challenges in your life now. I kind of find it a little creepy that he is lurking around now.

I think you understand that you deserve much more than this, and that none of this was your fault. keep yourself healthy, your kids need you. So please be kind to yourself. Go for that drive, go for a massage, do what you need to do to centre yourself. During this type of trauma, that is by no means easy. Please be kind to yourself, it’s so hard at this time.

You are doing great, one day at a time.

Hugs to you

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 4:14 PM, Sunday, May 14th]

I am going to repeat what I originally wrote. My husband has never raised his hand to me, yelled at me, tried to rape me, or in anyway threatened me. If he had ever done any of those things, he would not see me for dust.

I find all the comments to be absolutely correct. Being Mothers Day, I did see him. Every year we have a huge Mothers Day Brunch. All Moms both sides if my family.
The husbands stop by with the kids, delivering gifts. Before it was always nice. This year, I kept it short, I didn't feel like celebrating. I was shocked he came. I believe it was mostly for the kids. I was just embarrassed and ashamed. Everyone knows and this is most likely the last Mothers Day gathering for me. My husband did apologize for the excessive texting, also for making a mountain of a molehill. He promised he wasn't implying anything when he called everyone saying he was worried. He's truly worried. He sees I'm not myself. He knows he has damaged me and I do believe he is sorry, but I am firm. I told him what I feel. He has promised to be better. Stop with the borderline harrassment! Which it is. He claims he didn't realize I felt that way. He just needs me to know he is sorry and that he loves me. The last thing he wants is a divorce. But he knows he would be wrong to think I should forgive him for betraying me. He just doesn't want to let me go. He wants me back, but he will do anything to make me happy and feel safe around him.
He knows he can't fix this. He is so ashamed. I know that's not enough. I just need to figure out how to move forward amicably. We have two kids, and they are begging for him to return home now. I don't know if I should just move out and let him move in. I cannot afford this home alone. I feel I have so much on my plate.
At least I was able to make him understand he's hurting me more with all the communication. I feel better knowing he is seeming to respect my boundaries and need to be left alone.

Hi Bella

I know it’s all difficult right now, but that seems to be reasonable. It also has not been very long since things came to light. Things will settle and be a little easier in a few months. It takes time to find a new normal.

My ex was also highly ashamed. Shame is a powerful emotion, it turns into anger quickly. It can also drive some bad behavior, so I hope that your wayward husband stays on the right side.

Don’t ever feel embarrassed about your situation. Cheating is extremely common. At least half the people you know have been involved or affected by infidelity. Minimum 50%. None of us wanted it to happen. It always happened to other people. And then it happened to us. The only people who should be embarrassed or ashamed are the cheating spouses. It has nothing, nothing to do with your integrity, your character, your morality. I never imagined that my husband would cheat in the way he did. He outdid most. Certainly in the top quartile.

I was at a wedding a couple of years ago, there was eight people at the table. Seven were affected by infidelity. Impressive eh.

I have noticed that those who have not been cheated on, give really crappy advice.

I hope you have a nice evening, maybe a glass of wine to relax after a long day. Or a Very nice cup of tea.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 11:12 PM, Sunday, May 14th]

The kids are scared about everything changing. That's why they want him home. They're scared about what divorce looks like for them.

But you are an adult. You understand how there is no going back after this. As their mom, it's your job to teach by example. If, God forbid, your daughter's husband beats and rapes her one day, you would want her to leave him immediately. You don't want to show her that abuse is to be accepted,and forgiven.

One thing that strikes me,in all of your posts is when he contacts you,and when you tell us his explanations of contacting you, it's always what he wants,what he says he needs,and how he feels. He has no respect for you at all. If he did, he would hear you when you tell him to back off. Instead, he keeps harassing you..because his needs are more important.

He's extremely controlling. So much so that he beat,and raped his wife,because she was hurt and angry that he cheated.

I'm surprised he showed up at the brunch. How does your mother feel about him? Why would he think he would be welcome??

He is "worried about you," and. . .

He showed up at YOUR Mother’s Day celebration in spite of requests for him to back off.

He apologized. . .AGAIN. . .after the fact. . .for a bunch of stuff that he could have just NOT DONE in the first place.

He claims he didn’t know you felt the way that YOU HAVE SAID YOU FEEL MULTIPLE TIMES.

He promises to do better AGAIN.

Other than that:

HE doesn’t want a divorce.

HE just doesn’t want to LET you go (apparently enough to try to physically subdue/control, intimidate and sexually assault you.)

HE wants you back.

HE will do anything to MAKE you feel safe (except apparently to actually BE safe for you and not assault you, cheat on you, respect what you ask of him)

HE is so ashamed.

Is there anyone but HIM in his equations? Do you actually hear him talking about YOUR feelings and needs? and MORE. . .do you see him ACTUALLY RESPECTING any of your clearly expressed needs and requests??

It’s really hard to see how completely self-focused and selfish cheaters become and actually recognize it, especially because for a very long time, we have been used to (re)interpreting the things they say and do so that they seem genuinely caring and concerned about us. Processing the new reality of who they are is SO hard and takes a lot of time. Our brains and our hearts haven’t quite gotten there, and we are forced to try to manage the f-ing mess that they’ve created of our lives and families.

He may not even realize it, but he is definitely trying to manipulate you into feeling bad for him and guilty for deciding not to continue in the relationship. You probably are already feeling guilty over what is happening to your kids’ family even though he has left you no good choices for yourself or them at this point.

You held your marriage and family sacred, Bella. You didn’t do any of this. You are now forced to make healthy decisions for yourself and your kids, and it will go against your nature because the wants and needs of your WH now run counter to what you and your kids need. It is SO, SO difficult, and you’re still reeling in trauma at the same time.

He needs to STOP adding to that. If he can’t respect and meet the simplest and clearest of requests from you about what you need right now, he is just not safe for any of you, no matter how much he wants you to FEEL safe with him. He is wrapped up in his own needs and wants—the same way he has been since at least the time that he started the affair.

You’re getting great support. We’re here. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. You’re doing great. Stay strong and take care of yourself. It’s easy to neglect that when you are in trauma and have kids to support.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 4:21 AM, Monday, May 15th]

I am concerned about him raising alarm bells about your mental health. Be very very careful here. This could be the start of a story. A story where you as a mother are unstable, the fact that all of your family raced over to make sure you’re OK and are worried about you, supports his storyline.

Glad I'm not the only one that worries about this. OP, he literally had everyone and their mother check up on you just from you not responding to texts for a bit, despite you requesting for space. It worries me that he might be building a negative narrative about you in spite of this being him 'out of character' and an otherwise concerned husband (and please don't take this as me doubting your words; I simply don't trust him.)

One thing that strikes me,in all of your posts is when he contacts you,and when you tell us his explanations of contacting you, it's always what he wants,what he says he needs,and how he feels.

Also this plus what NowWhat said and what you said in your recent reply. He still makes it all about himself and how he feels and thinks. He has a long way to go if he's truly contrite.

Please be careful. Are there any friends you can entrust your children to?

[This message edited by Forks027 at 4:35 PM, Monday, May 15th]

In addition to all of the excellent advice and feedback here, I want to add that his job is relevant here. I worked in the ER for awhile, and believe me, he has seen his share of domestic violence victims. He knows exactly how serious it is. He should lose his job. I realize how much that would screw you, so I'm not saying to go that route, but he absolutely knew better, moreso than most people.

I'm really sorry this happened to you and your children. You should not reconcile with this man.

SB, how are you doing? I hope you have used IC to help you process everything.

Please do not move out of your house. That may be too traumatic for your children right now.

Please come to some agreement with him so that you are afforded alimony and child support with enough money to be able to stay in your home. It may very well be that you may decide in the future that you want to sell the home, and at that point, you would divide the proceeds according to your divorce agreement.

I hope you are seeing a good therapist to overcome all of the trauma that you have been subjected to.

I also hope you have a good divorce attorney, and that your husband (or soon to be ex-husband) does not make this divorce any harder than it has to be.

I am so sorry for you and your children.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:38 AM, Monday, May 29th]

This is hard and I am so sorry. You are doing the right thing by keeping him away. He’s an unsafe person.

Unless he has your children, keep him on "do not disturb" on your phone. No need for you to see those texts pop up all the time and fire up your anxiety. He’s trying to seek control by inserting himself into your days even when he’s not with you. Don’t give him that control.

If you haven’t, you must see a divorce attorney immediately. You need to understand all of your options, and knowledge is power. You deserve to take your power back.

You mention his family a lot— is your family around? Be very careful trusting his family with anything; many times in laws start out supporting the betrayed spouse, but ultimately support their own family member. Be very careful here.

It’s all so much and you are doing great just getting through every day. Please consult and attorney and start to seek out therapists for you and for your children. You’ve all experienced a great trauma and deserve support.

I have taken a break from posting. I have read all the comments and I have given them all deep thought. It's been a LOT of changes, some good and some not so good. Everything is still so raw, and so unbelievable! The reality has kicked in. I think I'm past the shock. The damage its caused our family, I believe it's sunk in for him. He's really hurting right now. I hear things from friends and family. He talks about his betraying me and destroying our marriage a lot. He has sought help, which I believe is helping him. He has become more respectful of my need for privacy and space.
He is understanding my need for this divorce. He is a very intelligent man, he seems to come to understand he hurt me beyond repair. He expressed his apologies for everything, (through a long letter)especially the violating me and beating me.
The fact that he has knowledge what he did has helped. He has respected my boundaries I have set. He picks the kids up every weekend and he drops them off. He doesn't pressure me to see him, he doesn't harass me to forgive him. He does occasionally send me flowers and has said I love you. I am respectful,I will just nod. I thank him for the flowers. I dont know what other response I should give.
I saw the other woman and she has moved out of her house. The house is for sale??!!
I'm still trying to figure out my next move, I am still living in our home. My husband is paying for everything. He wants to take care of everything, but I feel a bit awkward about it. As if I am under his thumb. He doesn't treat me that way. If anything he is overly nice. He comes and cuts the grass, keeps up the plants.He maintenance the car for me. I appreciate everything. But I feel as if I can't tell him to go away. It's his house too. I have very little interaction with him. I think it bothers him, I'm not playing games, I'm just trying to move forward with my life. Even though he is better about respect for my needs and space. I feel odd sexual tension from him? Is that even a thing? Maybe I'm reading into his behavior wrong. Maybe its because we have ended our marriage and it's just odd for me? Before he started the affair we were very affectionate and sweet with each other. We always held hands and hugged and kissed. Now it's just as if he is a stranger to me. He doesn't react as if I am a stranger to him. He is always telling me I look pretty today, and he still looks at me the way he used to. It's very sexually awkward. Maybe I'm just over thinking. Maybe it's nothing. Everything is so strange. Our kids ask us to kiss and hug, and it feels terrible because we would always kiss each other and hug when they requested it. Now they look confused. They asked him why don't you love Mommy anymore. Which broke my heart. He said he loves Mommy more than anything in the world. But I wonder is that appropriate to say? Will it just confuse our kids more?
We are all receiving counseling.It is helping, to a point. Its helpful in I look at my life differently, focusing on what I need to do, to move forward. Focusing on raising my kids.
But the pain is very deep. Its hurtful because I always had my husband to make me feel safe. Now I dont. I feel very empty and alone. Its extremely hard trying to be strong. :(

But the pain is very deep. Its hurtful because I always had my husband to make me feel safe. Now I dont. I feel very empty and alone. Its extremely hard trying to be strong. :(

This is so true and will be disorienting for awhile. It’s one of the worst things to deal with… isolation …the lurch in reality…. This community has been a saving grace for so many BS because the people here are living it and understand. Stay and post, or even just read as many do. Community is so important right now.

As for you WS, yes, it will be awkward. He has no idea how he went from your husband to a complete stranger in the snap of the fingers.

One really important comment, please… please…PLEASE make sure you make the time to take care of yourself. If you can not get out, then do online therapy! You are worth it, and more importantly you need it for the Trauma.

Yes it is hard trying to be strong for your children and forge ahead with a "new" life.

But you can reassure your children that while you love their dad, sometimes adults cannot live together. Explain it to them in terms they can understand at their age.

Kiss him? Hell no!!!

Be respectful to him? Hell yes!!!

You will always put your kids first. And that includes doing what is best for your family right now. You can encourage them to talk about things with you and their dad.

You may get to a place where you can do "family" things some day (holidays or birthdays or something). But that’s down the road.

For now, just do your best. And you have to do what is best for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:17 AM, Thursday, June 8th]

This is such a terrible story. First the affair, and on top the domestic violence. Hitting a woman, under any circumstances is just wrong. Goes for a WS as well as a BS.

I can’t offer much advice, but stick to the plan to divorce. You can always change your mind. Have you looked into therapy for your children. Too much for them to take into and to understand.

This just goes to show you domestic violence isn’t just done by guys in wife beater tee shirts, but by highly educated and sophisticated men. Very scary