SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is what hurts me so much. She knew how I felt about cheating, but she still did it right under my nose for two years. Looking back now, I can see so many red flags that I honestly don't know how I missed them. I have spoken to my family today, and they all said I'm being too nice to my WW and best friend. The way I'm trying to handle it, they'll just continue their affair.

That's part of the dilemma you are in right now. Part of you knew back then but you chose ignorance, and I believe because you didn't want it to end. Many people go this route because they feel they need their "best friend" and their loving spouse, and maybe it's just a mistake and as long as your spouse chooses to be with you everything is fine. But it doesn't work this way or it just can't stay like this forever. The 'play', best friend and partner cheating with each other is more common then you expect it to be, and it's one of the hardest. You think you have nothing, nobody to turn to. The closest ones to you are betraying you.
Your initial reaction just to ignore them and punish them by "indifference" and no communication, but still letting your "friend" work for you is more like a knee jerk reaction. I feel it's more of a sulking reaction, you want them to punish but you want them also to feel your pain so they come back to you and ask for forgiveness, because that's what you really want, you want the jack back in its box. Sadly this is more of adolescent reaction. You have to get your life in order, you can't afford, as a man and business owner, to have your wife having an affair with your best friend and it's not gonna solve itself.

Hello, ShameIHaveNoFriends.

First of all, I want to show my deepest solidarity.

I'm not a lawyer, nor do I want to seem petty, things are what they are.

I have a crazy hypothesis:
R
If your oldest daughter is not yours and you found out 6 months ago, your WW has used you, you have been giving económical maintenance to her biological daughter (*emotionally it is different). That can be severely penalized in the divorce agreement (Fraud, moral damages to you and your daughter, etc.?)....I guess...

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 6:08 PM, Monday, September 11th]

That is a terrible suggestion both legally and then again emotionally for the eldest child. OP, get an attorney and follow his/her advice.

I mean, in the agreed divorce agreement, that argument can be used to obtain advantages of custody, home, etc...
It would be an absolutely confidential conversation between lawyers and clients (ex-husband and ex-wife), I never said that everything had to be told to those affected, that is a very personal issue, that OP will have to work with the IC.

Those types of things always come out, they don't stay confidential. What an absolute knife in the daughter's heart that would be if her father used her for financial gain.

A fund can be agreed upon to pay for the children's college, for example, where WW contributes, for said reason (moral damage to the daughter), more amount than the BS.
It does not seem immoral or unfair to me to demand compensation for her.
I don't see why the daughter should find out about the agreements, honestly. Lawyers are supposed to have professional secrecy and parents won't drop that bomb without consent either.

Sooner or later, she will have the right to know. Or is she also being lied to by omission? Well, I leave that open, it's personal.

...And if somehow you discover it through a medical test or whatever?...My daughter had a genetic test for TDH...you never know. And here, yes, the damage would occur.

On the other hand, the father is undergoing treatment for that reason, let's put ourselves in his situation! He also has the right to be compensated. He is going to suffer for years.

Not a lawyer and not giving legal advise.

Moving out impacts custody not any other rights.

Other things that may apply.

You knew for six months and did nothing.

If your wife was pregnant with another man's baby you may be able to get an annulment.

Your 18 year old is an adult so this will not impact her. The 16 year old may be able to self determine.

The allocation is a number of total assets, you may be able to trade the home for the business.

Please check with a solicitor.

I'm so glad to hear that you will be firing OM. One of my biggest regrets post Dday was that I was so humiliated by what my WW had done that I didn't want anyone else to know. To avoid that I decided not to kick OM out of an organization we ran at the time. As a result we were stuck with him hovering around the periphery of our lives until he died eight years later.

Based on your experiences and feelings I think you are right to sever connections to both of them as completely and permanently as possible. No contact. Talk through a lawyer.

It sounds like many people know how you feel about cheating. Your WW may use that to try to paint a picture of you as being dangerous. Don't talk to her directly at all if possible. If you must meet, meet in a public place. Record everything. Keep your cool. So many men ruin their lives in a fit of anger because a WS knows exactly how to twist the knife.

Obviously you felt comfortable saying those things to your oldest daughter because you could not conceive of the possibility that you were not her biological father. Had you considered that even the tiniest bit possible you would have understood how your love for the child you raised could be much more powerful than your WW's betrayal.

It's a rarity that a BS has such an immediate, clear vision of their path and the will to follow it. If you're mercifully free of the need to try to comb through the shards of your shattered reality searching for "whys" and "hows," that's a blessing. But stick with IC and beware that the affects of trauma can be insidious and long lasting.

Face all your feelings about this head-on. Rug-sweeping is never a long term solution.

Wishing you and your daughters the best.

OP how are you doing? Did your fire your XBF and STBXW?

Where to start? A lot has happened in three days.

Last Sunday, I told my daughters I wanted them to join me in my therapy session on Monday. I had something important that I needed to share with them. While they were filled with questions, I assured them that we would address their concerns the following day. Although I felt the urge to disclose it myself on numerous occasions, I believed it would be more beneficial for my therapist to handle the conversation.

Early Monday morning, my STBXW left for the airport to go on holiday with her "friends".

During our therapy session, I sat there, facing my daughters. I couldn't help but feel a weight on my chest. I knew what was about to be revealed would shatter their world. My therapist took the initiative and informed them of their mother's affair. Before I could utter a word, their reactions were explosive; they began screaming and shouting. Their anger was unlike anything I had ever seen before. My youngest was more tearful than vocal, whereas my eldest displayed her frustration by pacing the room and saying a lot of profanities (which is unusual for her, as she rarely swears).

I made multiple attempts to soothe their distress, but they remained resistant to calming down. Eventually, my eldest turned to me and asked why I wasn't angry. She questioned if I was contemplating reconciliation with their mother. In response, I acknowledged my anger but said that I had something else to say. I requested their undivided attention and asked that they refrain from interrupting until I had finished speaking.

So they both settled back into their chairs, and I began to reveal that I had been aware of their mother's affair for the past six months. Their reaction was even more intense than the first time. They reached for their phones, seemingly intent on calling their mother. I urged them to allow me to finish speaking, emphasising that there was a reason behind my silence over the past six months.

My therapist recognised my difficulty in finding the right words. She stepped in and told them that my eldest was not biologically mine. My eldest daughter, who is sitting on the chair, suddenly jumped up, dove on me, and clung to me tightly. Her tears flowed as she repeated phrases like "Please don't leave me" and "I didn't know". "It's not my fault," "I'm so sorry," and "You're my dad; I love you". Her words tore at my heart, and I reassured her repeatedly that I had no intention of leaving. She was my daughter, and I loved her deeply.

At the same time, my youngest daughter was also in tears, embracing me and echoing similar things: "don't kick her out," "She loves you like I do," and "Please don't punish her for what our mother did". I asked my eldest to look at me, but she resisted. Despite my therapist's efforts to intervene, my daughter refused to release her grip on me.

I reassured her repeatedly that I had no intention of leaving. I loved both of them deeply. I emphasised my commitment to staying with them. Despite my reassurances, my eldest remained visibly shaken and continued to avoid eye contact. On the other hand, my youngest daughter gradually regained her composure after comprehending the message I was trying to convey to her.

I tried to explain why I had delayed sharing the truth about their mother's affair over the past six months and whether I had changed my behaviour towards them. My youngest daughter, being the first to respond, raised her head to me and said, "No, you haven't". My eldest, who was still holding onto me tightly, heard the question the second time, and I could sense a shift in her demeanor. Her trembling seemed to subside as she slowly raised her head. I locked eyes with her and repeated the question about my behaviour over the past six months. She confirmed, "No, you haven't."

The way my daughters responded is a painful reflection of my own shortcomings as a parent. I am haunted by the knowledge that my actions and words have led them to believe that I could leave them behind or disown them. The sheer weight of guilt I carry for having instilled such fear and insecurity in their young hearts is gut-wrenching. It's a sorrow that pierces to the core, an anguish that lingers as I realise the emotional toll my actions have taken on the two people I hold dearest.

The admission I made was one I'd carried in my heart for six long, agonising months: I hadn't been entirely truthful with you about your mother's affair. Please understand that my intention was never to inflict pain on you. Instead, it was a desperate attempt to reveal the depths of my love for both of you. I need you to know that I'm not going anywhere. Our home, the place where we've shared countless memories, will remain just as it always has: a haven of love and support. We will continue living in our home while your mother is moving out. The decision of whether to stay with me or your mother is entirely yours.

Both of them had tears in their eyes as they expressed their desire to live with me. Their emotions were in shambles, and the car ride home was a long journey filled with unspoken pain. Though I repeatedly asked if they were okay, their responses were limited to single, heart-wrenching words.

My youngest daughter, her voice trembling with hurt, confided that she had blocked her mother and never wanted to speak to her again. Her words were heavy with the weight of a fractured relationship, and her eyes held a mixture of sadness and anger. Beside her, my eldest daughter wore a determined expression, her resolve unshaken. She chose not to block her mother, explaining that she wanted to confront the lies she knew would come her way.

I asked them if they were both willing to do therapy, and they both said yes.

I sent a text to my STBXW and my ex-best friend. After sending those messages, I turned my phone off and replaced the SIM card with a new one. Meanwhile, my STBXW bombarded my daughter's phone with numerous messages and calls. Only my eldest has replied and told their mother not to come home.

My MIL contacted my daughters and asked if I was willing to go see her. During this visit, my MIL and I engaged in a brief conversation. She had already been in contact with my STBXW. I refrained from asking about the details of their conversation. Her mother did mention that my STBXW had decided to cut her vacation short and was coming back home, where she would be staying with her. She also asked if there was any message I wished to convey to my STBXW, to which I responded that I would appreciate it if you could ask her to sign the divorce papers once she gets them. Furthermore, her mother expressed her apologies for the distress her daughter's actions had caused me.

STBXW constantly sends texts and calls to my eldest. She doesn't provide me with many details about her messages. However, what she has shared is that my STBXW is adamant about not signing the divorce papers until I meet with her personally. I've told my daughters I don't want to meet her. They have agreed that I should not engage with her, believing that anything she says will be untruthful.

I've terminated my ex-best friend's employment; he's no longer part of my workforce. In my message to him, I told him that he didn't need to serve his notice period. Additionally, I recall coming across a comment suggesting that some of my employees might have been aware of the affair. This comment was accurate, as it involved two female employees who were involved romantically with my ex-best friend. Surprisingly, it appears that my STBXW was unaware of these other relationships. However, I acknowledge that I can't verify the accuracy of these claims without engaging in a conversation with my STBXW.

I've spoken to my eldest, letting her know that when she feels ready and/or wishes to discuss her biological father, I'm here to listen. She declined, saying that she has spent her entire life with her real father and has no interest in learning more. I'm truly thankful and touched to hear her say those words.

I have consulted with my solicitor since Monday, and while some aspects of the situation are straightforward, others are considerably more complex. For instance, my awareness of my STBXW's affair for the past six months and my decision to initiate divorce proceedings pose significant challenges. Regrettably, my mention of the duration of my knowledge about her affair in a message to my STBXW may complicate the process of seeking a divorce on grounds of adultery. This potentially places me in a less favourable position regarding the divorce proceedings.

I have another option that offers a more straightforward path: pursuing a no-fault divorce. This can be done either separately or through a joint application. Choosing a no-fault divorce means that we can mutually agree to end our marriage without placing blame on either party for the breakdown of the relationship. This approach can help streamline the divorce process, reduce conflict, and potentially make the transition smoother for both of us as we move forward with our lives separately.

I've had a few conversations with my MIL since Monday, and while she initially checked in to see how I was doing, the topic of my STBXW inevitably came up. My STBXW seems to think that if she doesn't sign the divorce papers, the whole process will come to a standstill. However, MIL has told her that this isn't the case. She explained that the divorce can move forward even if my STBXW doesn't sign the papers. My MIL is deeply concerned about my STBXW's emotional well-being. She's said that my STBXW has been struggling with her appetite and sleep. What's more concerning is that she's been sharing details of our marital situation quite openly on social media. This has had a considerable impact on our daughters, as they've been exposed to their mother's public posts about our lives. I've spoken to my MIL about this, requesting that she speak to my STBXW and ask her to remove those posts.

However, despite our efforts to keep the situation private, I'm still receiving messages from people on social media who have learned about our situation through my STBXW's accounts. These messages often urge me to forgive her and consider reconciling with her. It's a challenging and emotionally charged situation for everyone involved.

My daughters are currently going through a tough time. They've become rather quiet, and when they do speak, their comments about their mother tend to be negative without digging into how her actions impact their feelings, despite my efforts to encourage them to be open. I've repeatedly assured them that I'm here to listen and support them, emphasising that they can express any thoughts or emotions they have about their mother. However, it seems they've been somewhat hesitant to bring up their mother unless prompted, which is understandable given the circumstances. I'm hopeful that with time and continued support, they'll feel more comfortable sharing their feelings with me.

My daughters are struggling; their tears are a constant presence. They choose to be near me all the time, even accompanying me to my office, a behaviour I've never seen before.

My youngest, who only leaves me when she goes to bed, and my eldest have relocated their sleeping arrangements. She has moved her bed into my room.

My eldest has an incredible sense of humor. Even in the most challenging situations, she never fails to brighten the room with her witty remarks and attempts to make me burst into laughter. Lately, she teased me relentlessly about my snoring symphonies. According to her, my nighttime nasal performances could rival a chainsaw convention. Yet, in her quirky way, she finds solace in my thunderous snores, claiming, "Well, your snoring might be a nightly disturbance, but at least I know you're catching some quality Zs!".

Even though we all laughed at this, as we shared our laughter, I couldn't help but notice that it wasn't the same as it had been just a week ago; there was a noticeable difference in the atmosphere and the dynamics between us.

I did take a std test; the first time I got tested was right after I learned about the situation. But as luck would have it, I found myself in a bit of a pickle last week, so it was back to the testing centre for round two. It's amazing how life can throw you curveballs, right?

Sorry, I've had a hectic schedule in the past few days. I'll do my best to catch up on any comments I might have overlooked during this time. Thank you

Shame I Have A Lot Of Friends,

I congratulate you for the adult and responsible way in which you are facing the situation.

Good luck, my friend!!!!

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 10:57 AM, Wednesday, September 13th]

The "new" divorce laws passed in the UK on the 6th April 2022 completely removed adultery and the effects of adultery from the divorce process. Previous to that adultery had relatively minimal impact on assets, but could impact the speed of the process. I’m therefore surprised to read your comment about it possibly affecting your divorce.

Well done OP. You’re handling this extremely well in a shitty situation that you didn’t cause.

Shame -

I wanted to address your concern for your kids and how to approach them. My mother had an A, and my sister is the "OC" as we call it here. My parents divorced. My mom's AP also divorced. Then my mom and the AP married so the AP became my step-father. They are still married. Weirdly like 5 yeas later my dad inadvertently dated my step-father's ex-wife - the OBS. Ha! That didn't last long (like 3 dates) once they figured it out. So, I have some experience with all of this horrible affair related inter-family bullshit outside of my own experience as a BS. Lucky me.

I also have the whole best-friend A experience as my WH's AP was the wife of one of his best friends - and all three of them - the AP, my WH, and the OBS all worked together (and still do except AP has a serious medical issue so she is on extended leave). My WH was in the OBS-APs wedding and socialized with them regularly. Then he decided fucking one of his best-friends wifes and falling in "love" with her, resulting in this game of infidelity hide-and-seek for the better part of two years, was worth destroying that friendship, our relationship, and a lot of his relationships with people he used to socialize with at work.

That being said, I think one of the things that dealing with this whole infidelity mess has taught me is to not be so critical of others until you have stood in their shoes. What I mean is that before my OWN experience with infidelity - until my WH started cheating, I, when talking about infidelity was in the camp of "why can't a BS just move on and get over it?" and "why would a BS stick around at all?" or "I would be out of there the minute I found out my partner was cheating" and so on. But alas, when sitting in those shoes myself I did none of the things I thought I was 100% certain I would do.

This is a major life lesson. It also applies to your situation with your oldest.

You thought that if you were in the shoes you are now, that you would behave and FEEL differently than you do. I think that this admission HAS to come when you do talk to your oldest about the situation you are in now. That when faced with the reality of the situation you felt NOTHING like you thought you would AND that you now feel you were wrong AND that you should try to make amends for your wrongdoings. And you know all of this for 100% sure because you still feel the same overwhelming love for your oldest regardless of her DNA - so you know you were wrong when you said the things you did before - and that you regret saying that both because you were wrong and because it influenced your kids to think in the same way.

Life is complicated. We are all going to be wrong from time to time - it's the grace we show in those times which is the most important lesson of them all. This is going to happen to your kids at some point too - life is going to wake them up in some form or another and prove to them that how they thought they would act and how they actually do is going to be different.

BUT...

Why do you need to tell your oldest NOW about her DNA? Normally I am 100% in the camp of ripping off the band aid, and I am super-awful at keeping things in, but in this case, if you are considering leaving, and offering the kids the opportunity to leave with you, and outing your WWs affair with your best friend, and upending the whole apple cart of their lives, this information about your oldest may be too much for her to handle all at once. It's going to be a LOT.

IDK when the right time/place is and I'm certainly not advocating for not telling her at all (or a long time from now) but I think it all being a massive bomb of info all at once may be too much for all of you?!?

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:58 PM, Wednesday, September 13th]

Bigger 

I want to express my gratitude for your two responses. I acknowledge your point about referring to the house as "my" house. Based on advice from my solicitor, I've come to realise that, despite being the owner, I lack the legal authority to insist on my STBXW leaving our house, as it is considered a shared marital asset. I'd like to thank you for your support regarding my decision to pursue a divorce.

In your second message, you mentioned the possibility of divorce laws in the UK, which could be true. However, I live on one of the Channel Islands, although I prefer not to disclose which one. I also want to apologise if the "UK" in my profile has caused any confusion.

Jajaynumb 

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It means a lot to me, especially during these challenging times.

ThisIsSoLonely 

Thank you for your message. I truly appreciate your thoughts and the time you've taken to reach out. However, it's a bit hectic for me right now, and I want to give your message the attention it deserves. I'll get back to you as soon as I have the time to respond properly. Thanks for your understanding.

I hope you are doing ok after everything. You are an amazing father and your daughters are lucky to have a parent that puts them first.

Take care and be kind to yourself. Maybe treat yourself to a nice solo vacation once everything settles down a bit.

Shame, I'm not sure if you have handled the intrusive messages on social media yet but perhaps you can come up with a script to send out every time you get one. Something like, "STBXW has cheated on me for (eldest daughter's age + 1) years. It is not possible for her to make up all of those years wasted to me. It is not possible for me to trust her after lying to me for decades. I will not be reconciling with her." I suspect you are getting these messages because STBXW is saying how sorry she is for her one little tinsy winsy affair that barely lasted a month and now she can't even talk to you or the kids. She is likely playing the victim hard which is why people feel sorry for her and are messaging you. Hardly any one who knew the truth would push you to reconcile.

ShameIHaveNoFriends, I have nothing of value to add to this thread other than a few words of support; you seem like a stand-up bloke and you're fucking killing it, considering the circumstances. Hats off to you.

Since your daughters are sticking to you, maybe you should look into recruiting them into the business and make it a family business? I know this sometimes back fires, but it would give them something to focus on and with your WW's AP gone, you probably have a position vacuum.
I would also schedule a vacation away with your daughters. Somewhere that will have lots to do, so they can switch their focus. A concert or 2 would be easy for a weekend, but as you are busy schedule out a big trip so they have something to look forward too. It will make them focus less on the past and more on future plans.
As far as splitting your assets, you are going to have to split them. Like someone said, if you were going to purchase anything as the company, now is the time to do it. That will be easier when you have more credit and liquid assets in the company. Also expect the company to start paying your exwife. If I was you I would setup an account that you put some money in for her. This way it won't look badly like you are cutting off your wife's way of living. If you do, that will be back payments in the future and if she gets a really slick lawyer he/she could spin that out of your favor. Don't give her everything, but enough to be fine for the next 6 months at he previous lifestyle.
Now the hard part, you are going to have to talk to her at some time. You can't hide from her forever and that isn't how you approach this kind of situation as a role model. Start working out and bring your girls. Also, use your sessions to come up with ways to write out your anger. Screaming and crying aren't your outlets, but there are others. Then set a date on your calendar you will go talk to your STBXW. You should set that date so your WW doesn't try to just show up or something along those lines. It is coming, you have read the other accounts on here. If you set a date in the future, you will dread it, but you can work in therapy and with writing to get what you want to say. She is going to lie. She is going to minimize. You should sooner or later send her the videos and texts so she doesn't try to setup some elaborate web of stories and alibis. You might get a real apology, which later will be more beneficial than you know.
Good job firing your employee. He was going to cause some damage to your company if you didn't get rid of him. Keep an eye on him because he sounds like he has nothing going for him right now, so he might try to come after your family in some other way.
Lastly, you should talk to your daughters about the future more. They right now are so entrenched in what they are seeing changing around them, that maybe you should get a setup so you can sleep in the living room all together more comfortably, or change up to go do something they want with you in tow. Then they get some normalcy in their lives, without fear you are going to disappear. Like go get pedicures with their friends and you get one too as the funny cool dad.

Hi ShameIHaveNoFriends, it must be weird to get congratulations from strangers in a reality when the life of 5 prople gets shuttered. I am realy impressed about how you handle the situation with your doughter. Giving her the time as a proof... you are exceptional. That is so strong an clever. When the time comes and you talk to STBXW remember, you are out of her league, by far.

[This message edited by Potentialforevil at 1:10 AM, Thursday, September 14th]