SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ahh…. The old, illogical and comfortable "blind trust"… The long-term victim of infidelity…

Trust your kids? I trust mine, yet as teenagers when they came home on a Saturday evening I would smell their breath and check the pockets of their coats for tobacco. When I didn’t find anything I trusted them…

This is the sort of attitude I have adapted to nearly all aspect of my life. I trust, but I also verify.

My experience with infidelity was in a past relationship, yet I realized some years ago that I had serious trust issues with my present wife. As part of my therapy we discussed this, and she understood the cause of my distrust. Turns out she too had some issues trusting me so it was convenient to fix both issues simultaneously. What we do is that we are both openable books. Note – not OPEN, but openable. Like she has her social media accounts and I’m not monitoring them. But I do have her passwords and I can easily check up on them. Same for nearly all electronics, phones etc. The only major exception being work-related since we both have strict confidentiality clauses.
Same with phone logs, banking accounts, credit-cards… We see this all as "ours" and therefore mutually accessible. Frankly – last time I looked up her phone-account was maybe 2 years ago to help her find a forgotten number.

We also are quite open with each other. If I ask her where she’s off to she will tell me, as will I. Whether it’s true or not… well… if I had doubts then at least I know what to confirm. Haven’t felt a need to do so for quite some time.

He asks for the "new" him… Well… you married the "old" him. Maybe you don’t want a new him, but an improved "old".

There are other things we do… We always sit down for a family meal where we talk about our day. It’s not in hour-by-hour detail, but it’s enough to be aware of each other’s activities. We plan weekends together – as like if I am going fishing I make sure she’s OK with that. We try to do things together or at the same time – she goes for hot-Joga I might use the same time to go lift weights. Of course she could be with some other man, but I doubt it… and if I suspected this I could so easily go to where her group is. I trust – but verify where needed.

This goes on for other aspects in life: The mechanic that fixes my car? First time I went to him I was skeptical but he won my trust. Since then I have used him a couple of times and so far he’s kept my trust. The minute he says he changed break-pads and I see the old ones are still in… the moment I switch.

I want to be clear because I see a lot of people keep questioning my FWH’s sincerity.

I want you to understand that I have seen a change in my husband he is doing the work for all the good reasons. When you respond to this post respond with the assumption that he is a committed FWS doing the work.

Now what I need from this community is to accept that he’s working diligently with integrity with no intention to become wayward and being a transparent open book

But I still check and don’t think I’ll ever stop. The reason I don’t leave the marriage is because this infidelity makes it so I will never trust anyone’s sincerity again so why bother leaving? I will never trust another human being again.

This is my life. Has anyone ever been here like me and felt differently?

The reason I don’t leave the marriage is because this infidelity makes it so I will never trust anyone’s sincerity again so why bother leaving? I will never trust another human being again.

I don't have a dog in the fight here and you are allowed to have your reasons, but I would urge you to dig deeper with your therapist as to why you feel this way and whether it still makes sense to remain in a relationship with your FWH. A marriage without trust is miserable even if your FWH is doing all the work and remaining 100% faithful through your diligent verification.

Look, I'm not here to beat you up, but rather challenge your thinking. If one of your close friends came to you with the same backstory as you have had with your FWH and said to you, "I'm going to stick with him because even though I will never trust anyone, including him, ever again." I'd hope that your response of somewhere between confused and totally bewildered. I mean, look, we are not always rational creatures and I think this is worth pointing out, on a scale of trustworthiness, your FWH, has demonstrated that he is likely the least trustworthy person in your life and yet you are sticking by him while mentioning that you couldn't trust anyone's sincerity ever again. I'm by no means saying that you should consider D and dating around or anything like that, but I'm also certain that there are plenty of potential partners out there who wouldn't cheat on you. You have unfortunately had to learn some painful lessons about trust in a relationship and your WH failed those tests. I am not in fact advocating you take any particular stance or position, but trying to nudge your thinking away from the immediate situation in front of your face.

I’m not a clinician but what you are saying and the fact that this is a reoccurring question points to ptsd in my opinion.

Healing isn’t "accepting" that you’ll never trust another human again and sucking it up, but working towards trusting yourself the most and accepting that people are flawed and make bad decisions sometimes. Trusting yourself that no matter how many times life brings you down, you are able to get up again. Healing is achieving a level of healthy trust in people around you, not 100% trust but neither spending all your focus on trying to control another person’s actions. Trusting that you’re able to decide who deserves to be in your life and who doesn’t without you having to control their actions.

Look, I get it. In the aftermath of dday we feel like we have absolutely no control of our lives. We feel the need to get back some control and we check everything. God knows I did! I combed everything I could think of.

The more we check, the more we THINK we got some control back. But there is only one person’s actions you can control: yours.

My desire to control WH ceased once I allowed myself to see him for who I believe he is based on his actions post dday: a flawed human being who fucked up big time but was doing anything possible to redeem himself. Otherwise, if you don’t believe so, who are you reconciling with? A narcissist who is constantly looking for new ways to deceive you? Why would you want to reconcile with such a person?

In my case I maintain the right to check any time I want (we always had this open devices policy) but I cannot waste my life doing so. It would be a full time job with all the avenues and tools available today to cheat and I already have a full time job. I want to be the best version of myself as cliche as that sounds and that is such a better way to spend my time.

Please have some counselling sessions, it may become apparent that you suffer with ptsd.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 5:38 PM, Monday, October 2nd]

Thanks everyone. I’m not checking to stop him from lying. That is impossible.

I’m not checking because I think my checking controls him.

I know that I will survive if he cheats again I we divorce.

I trust myself to know that I will take care of myself and survive.

I am not afraid to never find love again.

I don’t want to be fooled. I want to be able to catch the deceit so I’m not in the dark.

I don’t want to spend one extra minute being deceived.

I do not trust people. That’s what I learned. Trust but verify is how I live.

I’ll go back to therapy for PTSd but I’m not sure how it will work.

I hear what you’re saying and rest assured I won’t fall apart like before- it was the living a lie part I just don’t ever want again.

Now what I need from this community is to accept that he’s working diligently with integrity with no intention to become wayward and being a transparent open book

I don't think anyone's trying to be offensive... it's just that we've each experienced some pretty astounding behaviors from our WS's. Many of us just automatically lean towards disbelief and protection of the betrayed spouse.. I'm on my third wayward spouse and we're on our 3rd or 4th official d-day in 7 years - and are now just finally in what I genuinely THINK is a proper reconciliation phase. Some WS's put on a good front and take their behavior underground. Many WS's are truly remorseful and doing very visible work, but are actually just white-knuckling their way through a dry spell. The dedicated WS's really dig in to their issues and own their shit. SOME of those become safe partners. To us it ALL looks significant. It ALL feels real. It feels GOOD and safe - even when it's sometimes NOT. It's OK to be hopeful AND supportive of those efforts, but you need to have a control check. I love her, and I'm hopeful, and I feel better because I know more now than I ever did about what false R looks like. But there's signs beyond her keeping her therapy appointments that make me trust that she's sincere. She's not defensive. She's not angry at me if my hurt shows. She feels sorry, but not sorry for herself. Her goal is no longer for us to 'get over this' and get back to normal - it's to 'work through this' and move forward.
If you feel you've got those indicators, awesome. If checking and verification gets you that reassurance, keep doing it.

But I still check and don’t think I’ll ever stop. The reason I don’t leave the marriage is because this infidelity makes it so I will never trust anyone’s sincerity again so why bother leaving? I will never trust another human being again. This is my life. Has anyone ever been here like me and felt differently?

I understand that sentiment. It took me years and multiple D-Days to be able to say the same thing out loud to myself. It's when I woke up. It's when SHE woke up. If your WS hasn't heard that this is how you actually feel, he should. This is the wound he inflicted on you, and it's what he should be working to heal.

I think you have to approach R with the expectation that the end goal is a renewed trust and respect, where doubt and hyper-vigilance can lessen and eventually turn to quiet..so that's OUR mutual goal. I know this is the last romantic relationship I will EVER have. I don't have it in me to ever risk an investment this big again. BUT.. I'm also OK if I'm alone. She's putting in the work, and I love her for it. She's truly remorseful. That's enough for me to know that it isn't over yet. If she keeps working, I will give this everything I have as long as the effort is appreciated, deserved and reciprocated. I want this to work, and I hope it does - so I'm all in. I will support her and I will help her. I'll even fight for it.. up to a point.... but I won't do it at the expense of my own well-being.

I don’t want to be fooled. I want to be able to catch the deceit so I’m not in the dark.

I don’t want to spend one extra minute being deceived.

But we’ve already agreed that checking does nothing if they really want to cheat, not finding anything doesn’t mean you don’t live in the dark necessarily, it could just mean they know how to hide it better. So what exactly are you getting out of it?

I’m not against checking by the way, I’m just trying to argue that this is an emotional ptsd reaction rather than a logical, "I feel something is wrong therefore I have to verify what it is" one.

It obviously bothers you otherwise you wouldn’t ask the question.

Luna-

Wow. You’re absolutely correct.

You sincerely just made me realize something-

It is a PTSD reaction vs one of logic.

Sometimes I don’t even have a motivation to check but then as I do my heart is racing and I’m feeling panic and stomach pains.

Thank you.

I think for me a post nup (in my favor) protects me. The fact I have my finances in order makes it easier for me to feel somewhat prepared in case I ever faced this again.

So t believe you can get to a place if leave and calm and not bring the marriage police. But you have to be healed as the betrayed and confident you can face it again if you had to.

And I know I could and would survive it.

You sincerely just made me realize something-

It is a PTSD reaction vs one of logic.

I should know, I’ve been there. It sucks but with work and awareness you can find your way out, life is better on the other side, I promise.

The only thing I will ever 100% trust again is my Gut. I believe my W but will never 100% trust again.