SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Get a storage unit. Slowly, remove as much as possible from the house. Just the things you need,the kids need, their things,important documents, clothes,jewelry, etc etc.

Stop talking about the affair. Pretend it didn't happen.

Make a plan. On a day when he will be out of the house for a few hours, arrange to get a Uhaul. If you have a few trusted friends, arrange for them to help you. Then once he leaves,move quickly.

Don't tell him you're leaving. I can't stress this enough. He may hurt you,and the kids.

Then,once gone,change your phone number. Change your email. Block him everywhere. Go completely dark.

He is extremely dangerous. Men like this do hurt women who leave. Or try to leave. I know this, first hand.

Form a plan. Today. Also, change your passwords on everything. Today.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:28 PM, Wednesday, November 29th]

Also..get a burner phone. Charge it,and turn it off. Keep it hidden,in a garage, or somewhere in the kid's room where they won't find it. The next time he gets violent, it may be your phone that gets broken, so you can't call for help. If you need this phone, use it where he won't see you. Or hear you.

Hellfire just gave you an excellent action plan to enact your exit.

You can do this. Take it one step at a time with as much urgency as you can muster.

Hi Tanner,

I knew you meant the abusive pattern was his. I just keep choosing the same type of man, over and over. This one was the biggest wolf in sheep's clothing by far, but yeah. I don't have the best track record...

HellFire/DobleTraicion,

Thank you for the well thought out action plan. I was actually considering a plan like this. The problem is, everything is SO far away. I thought about getting a storage unit, but I'd probably have to drive an hour each way to get to a facility. I'll research it, though. The relationship I left in 2016 was an emotionally abusive one and I had to leave quickly, so I'm no stranger to packing up the essentials and the kids and hightailing it out of there, unfortunately.

I'm glad you are educating me on the possibilities here. I was naive to think that he might not hurt me or the kids.

We have some people staying with us on our property. I don't want to tip them off to what's going on, but I might be able to get the guy who's staying here to lure WH away for several hours to go into town or something. I'll be thinking about a plan for sure.

Like the idea of a burner phone, too. The last time he left, my phone was buried under some things that had gotten thrown, and it took me awhile to find it. I was without any way to contact anyone, and it was super scary.

FunHouseMirror,

You are SO right. It's funny, and sad, but I thought I was being hyper-vigilant for red flags. I did normalize not being able to go to the store. He says I was allowed, but every time I brought it up, he got so squirrely and weird about it. Guess I should have showed up. Maybe I would have picked up on something before finding out the hard way. Hindsight.

Thank you for the great advice. I appreciate your encouragement - it gives me strength.

TheFirstWife,

Thank you for being here. I will call the Domestic Violence Hotline when I can today, when he is out of hearing range. I had to call them when I escaped the emotionally abusive relationship I was in in 2016, and they were very helpful.

Thank you for your prayers. They mean more than you know.

Bigger,

Thank you for your advice, and questions.

100% WH's decision to move to Missouri. I mean, I wasn't opposed, but he definitely pushed for it. His "dream" has been for years to have a homestead in the country.

I don't have any significant money invested, no. My name isn't even on the mortgage. WH had slightly better credit and a longer employment history, so the bank told us it would be more advantageous to put the loan in his name. He's solely responsible. My name is on the title, but I don't care what he does with the house once I'm gone.

He was talking about going to California - he said to visit him mom (yeah, right) - but he hasn't brought it up in awhile. Wondering if I should encourage him to go so I can get the hell outta dodge. That was the first thing that tipped me off, even before I found the text messages, btw. He spoke to the store manager, and all of sudden, he was all hot to go to California ASAP. I did think that was odd and I couldn't understand the urgency. Then once I found the messages, it all started to make sense.

As I mentioned in another reply, I am no stranger to packing up and leaving in haste. I've had to do it before.

I'd be very careful speaking to the man who is staying on your property.

Is he friendly with your husband? It's extremely possible your husband has been lying to him about you. Abusers are notorious for telling lies about their victim, to friends and family. They tell them it's you who is abusive,so therefore, if you come to them for help,they think you're lying. This man may tip him off.

The storage unit, I guess, is based on how much you have, and what you don't want to leave without. But,if you can get him out of the house for the day,it may not be necessary.

He will absolutely hurt you and the kids. He has a gun. And he brought it out, during a fight. I have guns. I have been extremely angry with my husband. I have been horribly traumatized by his actions. I have never once opened my gun safe, and brought out my gun,for any reason. Someone who does that is mentally ill.

My stepfather shot someone I love very much. It does happen. He was abusive beforehand. There were red flags. They were ignored, because no one thought he would...until he did.

Please listen to me. I know you don't know me..but I know what I'm talking about.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:16 PM, Wednesday, November 29th]

NO NO NO NO NO. Do you not worry about taking anything. Call the cops to come help you get the hell out of that house right now. I’ve seen enough on TV to know that when someone marries quickly and then moves the spouse remotely the chances of that spouse surviving are very slim. There’s a very distinct possibility he is planning your murder. Get the hell out of that house now.

I confronted him and then WH told me a story about how the manager had been raped several years ago and he was the one who took her to the doctors and filed police reports. And that she came to WH, not her own husband

This is also a shocking part of the story, he has some control over her in a sick twisted way. Think about what he is saying, she’s a victim of rape and he is talking to her like that, using her and manipulating her. He is a very evil man.

Great advice and far. The other option to consider is going to the police and letting them know the situation. File q restraining order and ask them to accompany you to the property gather your stuff scoot. Make them be present so he won't pull any shenanigans

HellFire,

Yes they are friends. The man who is staying here has been working with/for WH since early October while he and his family look for a property in Missouri. He and his family have become like family to us.

I will keep watch and wait. It's all I can do for now.

Thank you for the cautionary tale about the gun. And your stepfather. That is scary. I believe you. I do. Thank you for sharing your experience. I pray it will save my and my kids' lives.

Cooley2here,

Thank you. I will leave as soon as humanly possible. I sincerely hope he isn't planning my murder. Although you could easily bury a body on this property, and it's likely no one would ever know.

Tanner,

You're right... if that story is true. I don't know what the truth is anymore. It is astounding to me that she would be willing to have sex with him if she was raped. Aren't rape victims typically repressed and reluctant to engage in sexual relations once they have been raped? So it gives me pause. He is really good at hiding if he is indeed that manipulative, calculating, and evil. But it could all be an act. I didnt' mention, he went to acting school. He can make himself cry. I believe he is a very good actor who only reveals what he wants when he wants.

tushnurse,

Great handle! Thank you for the advice. Involving the police is a possibility for sure, and may be necessary. I am in wait and watch mode at the moment. Seeking an opportunity for escape, although based on what everyone has offered here, it needs to be sooner than later.

Look up Dark Triad personalities….And then leave.

Hi Betsy

Have you considered that he might have been in a couple with you for a reason about his mother?

Like an act for his mother.

Previously you said :

- his mother gave him 12k$ that you did not know about.

- he went CRAZY when you told his mother

Well, maybe the mother is a sort of traditional woman who thinks she gives money to her son and his traditional family. What he does with you is giving his mother the image of a perfect family to receive the $ (maybe she wouldn’t give anything without it).

Everything turns around him :

- at home you pay for him because he doesn’t work and you make good money

- his mother gives him money and you never know about

- the manager works for him and « gives benefits »

All 3 worlds never connected. Like a super compartimentalization.

Nb: don’t forget you also talked about STD and the manager was surprised… seems like there is a 4th world in that story (it seems strange that the manager knows about you… yet he still gives you a false name on his phone. Just a detail)

Yeah, leave.
You do not know the whole story

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 4:50 AM, Thursday, November 30th]

A lot of us – me included – are painting a doomsday picture of your relationship.
For good reason: The consequences of being wrong here can be so dire.
I have had formal training in recognizing and understanding domestic abuse. In some of what you outline I see the steps abusers tend to progress along: The isolation of the victim, the monitoring of actions (the browser tracking), the threat to self-harm, the indirect threat of violence (as in punching walls)… I also see financial isolation/separation and other factors…
Can I ask you one question: Does he comment about your looks? Does he request or suggest you wear certain clothes, or has he made comments about your body? Basically, that’s the only step in the progression he seems to have skipped…

I have good reason to carry on down the list – where the abuser turns to emotional violence and then physical.

Look – all we have is what you share, and what you share very strongly supports the scenario of a controlling man who is progressing to violent methods (physically and mentally) to keep his control.

There are some things that bother me:
You tout your separate finances as a good thing. Well… yes… if you plan on leaving this early in the relationship. But it’s also a method for the financially stronger partner to keep the financial upper hold. Your name not on the deed? No legal connection beyond residence to the home? All that might be to your advantage NOW, but what if he has his way? What if he manages to control you, subdue you, convince you the OW is "only" a manager and there is nothing going on, and yes – there is an annual week-long jewelry conference at the Honeymoon Adult Resort in Acapulco that he and the "manager" "have to" attend…
What happens 3-6-9-20 years from now, when you either realize the abuse OR he simply finds a new toy to abuse? He can throw you out with minimal warning. You might get out debt-free, but also with the limited funds you managed to wrangle together in some desolate spot in Wyoming.
Heck… even if he turns into the kindest and most loving man, but get’s hit by a truck…
No marriage = no marital assets = no legal right after death = no spousal support…

We tend to see marriage as this romantic thing, when in fact it’s the ultimate business transaction. Although RIGHT NOW the chains of marriage might facilitate you getting out, then in the long-run the chains also fence in your rights and assets.

If you want out – do it now. Like in the next 30-90 days.

I realistically don’t think you will get police protection while packing and moving.
But… the abusers tend to be very conscious of their image. They want to be "right". If you have someone in your house – preferably more than one person and preferably at least one male – then he will probably huff and puff, but you would get out physically unscathed. I still think my suggestion is the best if it’s possible (wait for him to leave for +1 day), but IMHO you need out soon.

You mention you have kids from previous marriages. Are they living with you? Same dad? Is there ever a time when all kids are away with their dad(s)? Could that be arranged?

I want to make this suggestion: Look up Domestic Abuse help centers in your area. We tend to think of these places as sad homes for downbeat women sporting black eyes and broken arms. While that might be the extreme, they do A LOT of work to prevent this from happening. Including possibly helping you formulate your escape plan. As a former cop I can share that I have gone a couple of times off-duty for these shelters simply to be there when women leave their abusive partners and homes. Helped load the cars and just been in the room while the husband screams at me to leave. Knowing that my presence intimidated him from doing much more than scream.
The counselor at the center could help you formulate your escape-plan.

I also encourage you to walk around your home and photograph and document everything YOU own and might want back. If you eventually realize you wont have the time to pack, ship and store your favorite dining-room table and chairs then you simply leave it behind, but follow up with a letter to him requesting your stuff back. Since you aren’t married any damage he does to YOUR property can enable you to demand financial compensation. Better a broken leg off a chair than a broken jaw any day.

Ma'am, gently but firmly, we are pretty much speaking with one voice here to encourage you in the strongest terms to plan and execute your exit.

Folks like HellFire, FirstWife, Bigger and others have fleshed this out much more than I have with practucal nuts and bolts steps to prepare and exit the situation.

I too have some training and experience with working with abused spouses and children. There is a phenomenon amongst abuse survivors that have experienced long term abuse or multiple abusive relationships which is a form of minimizing/normalizing as a coping/survival mechanism. I experienced severe verbal abuse growing up and some physical and I fell prey to this thinking as in, "It cant be THAT bad comparetively, can it?" "Surely the majority of people experience this in there homes too, right?" It was an absolute shock to find out that this was far from the truth and that loving, nurturing home environments existed with great relationships sans the abuse. Further thoughts came like, "Itll get better with time", "If I act better toward them, it will change their behavior", etc. None of this was true of course. Nothing got better, only worse. Interesting thing too is that I believe that this experience also helped set me up for failure when my marriage went sideways due to her infidelity. I fell back on my old toxic coping habits and they did not serve me well (to say the least).

I say that all to say that you too are already a survivor of a toxic abusive relationship that you ended up fleeing. There maybe this inclination in you to minimize to an extent. To hope against hope that itll get better. That this cant be happening again. That it is a nightmare you will "wake up from". Not saying that this fits you to a "T", just that it is fairly common among abuse survivors and it ends up making things worse in the long run. Im encouraging you to be aware of this phenomenon.

What prompted this vein of thought in me was your response to HellFire where you said:

I will keep watch and wait. It's all I can do for now.

Again, gently but firmly, watch and wait for what? For another abusive outburst, possibly with escalated violence?

No Ma'am, please don't. We here are not just concerned for you, we are alarmed for you.

You need to hear this....you deserve so much better. Do you believe this? You may feel so beaten down right now that its hard to see a way out/through, but there is a way forward and you do deserve better. At least reach out to a domestic abuse hotline/resource in your area and describe the situation. Im confident they will have concrete action steps and advice.

Im getting along in life now and Ive tried to instill in my kids this maxim and to repeat it like a mantra, "Believe in your worth, after all, if you don't, who will?".

All the best to you Ma'am. I am so sorry you are facing this and wish you well.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:00 PM, Friday, December 1st]