SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are getting great advice.
My suggestions:
See a dr about tests. You might need short term meds for anxiety and depression. Don’t be so proud that you refuse them. They help with what stress is doing to you mentally and physically.
Eat healthy. If you have trouble with that buy liquid drinks that have protein, vitamins and minerals. Watch for potassium and magnesium because your body needs those
Stay away from drugs and alcohol.
Get as much sleep as possible and go to bed at the same time every night.
Get outside. Walk, bike, hike, run if possible. Get sunshine on your face.
If you are not managing then see a therapist about traumas because that is what happened to you.

I am sorry Friend but you are currently being taken for a fool by your WW. It's not "just texts" no man and woman would keep doing only that when they see each other in person. She has been having sex w OM for quite some time and she is still having an affair even as we speak.

OM's wife deserves to know, she deserves to get her agency back in her life too. Please tell her.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:42 PM, Saturday, March 2nd]

Do not tell your WW you plan to inform OBS. She will warn OM and his wife will get a story about his coworkers crazy jealous husband who’s accusing her of sleeping with everyone at work.

The best way to contact OBS is at home or work, either on the phone or in person. Smaller chance that OM will intercept the message.

I would hit the roof. Your wife sending pictures of herself barely covered in a towel or naked with her hands covering her breasts or showing the top of her ass to another man is so far off the reservation it is more than emotional cheating. That kind of thing is evidence of intimate familiarity. People get divorced for shit like that.

I have been through a lot in life, as most people have on here. Do you know what the number one thing I have learned in all of my life is? TRUST YOUR GUT. TRUST YOUR GUT. TRUST YOUR GUT. Mine has never been wrong. Even when I did not want to believe what it was telling me could possibly be true. Even when I did not want to believe my gut intuition about something, it always turned out to be right and telling me the truth about things I only had suspicion about. TRUST YOUR GUT.

Your gut was right about this guy all along. There is more to this story. Much more.

I know you don't want to believe what your gut has been telling you about this other guy and his relationship with your wife because you don't have a smoking gun. But you do have evidence. Follow the evidence. Your wife sending nude selfie pictures to another man and telling him "I am thinking about you" and "I can't wait to be around you again" is cheating and betrayal and infidelity for sure. But you have even more evidence of how your wife really feels, especially about you. Here it is:

"I found this site in my grief and asked her to write a no contact order and separate herself completely from this guy at work with her or him eventually transferring office locations or getting a different job within a reasonable but near time. I also asked her to go to therapy and for us to go to therapy. Well, it's just about two months later nothing has happened. No letter, no separation at work (they are in each other's space constantly every day), no therapy."

She does not care what you need to recover from this and feel safe again. You asked in the title of your thread "If it was just texts then why do I feel this way?" It's because it is more than just texts. Much more. And I think you know that. Your gut has been trying to tell you that. But you don't want to believe it because you have no smoking gun. But you do have evidence. Plenty of evidence. She is showing you where you are on the pecking order. What are you going to do with the evidence you currently have? And also you might be able to uncover even more evidence of what their relationship really has been with a little more digging. Just be prepared for what you might find. But I think you already know what has been going on between them for years.

As I said before, one reason to tell the OBS is to take some of the magic out of the affair in hopes it will help you and your wife move towards reconciliation. There’s another huge reason in my opinion. After find out about my wife’s affair which I believed was just an EA and later found out it was a PA, I had a lot of anger. I was angry and felt fooled because she allowed me to make decisions based on lies. She was moving out of the marriage and allowed me to think I was securely in a marriage. If I had known what was happening, I would have made different decisions both personally and financially. She was happy to have me continue to make decisions that benefitted her, but not me.

There’s stories her where the BS only finds out about the affair when the WW serves divorce papers and moves in with the AP. The BS is totally blindsided while the WW has had months to plan a smooth transition for themselves. People engaged in affairs act in extremely selfish ways that hurt both BS. Even though the OBS will be likely hurt by the news, it’s really a kindness for you to tell her in the grand scheme of things. It’s also not totally unheard of for the two BS to compare notes and share information. Because at this point, both of the cheaters are in full cover up mode.

[This message edited by Legatus at 4:08 PM, Sunday, March 3rd]

RED FLAGS everywhere in your story that point to the A just went underground, like a rat going to it's tunnel when the dog goes outside. It might not be the case but it doesn't look good.

Sleeping in another room?
Rationalizing texts that were actually sexts?
Rugsweeping, not really changing behavior after being discovered?
No consequences, no light of day thrown on her A?
Still working with posom daily?
OBS not informed?

That's a hell of a lot of risk to your marriage.

I think the odds are that she is still in her A and it could easily be a PA as well. You've been given a lot of guidance. Check phone records, track gps location, look at search history, buy a VAR for her car. Tell the OBS and ask her to do the same.

Buy the book Not Just Friends too.

Hey OP. I feel for you right now. It's gut wrenching.

I've been a member here for long enough that I can now see the affair matrix. I wish there was a pinned post that outlined several likely narrative arcs for the BS, pick your own adventure, if you like. The aggregate experience here has created a sort of predictive algorithm in terms of human behaviour, and it is shockingly accurate.

You find a suspicious text and confront.

She swears it was just texting. You believe her, but your gut sreams at you.

You find another text that suggests something more serious and confront again.

She admits it may haveen a kiss, but swears it was just once.

You probe.

She admits to petting in the hopes that if she does, you will stop asking questions.

Just a parking lot blow job, but that's it. Can we move forward now?

Okay, we had sex but it didn't mean anything.

Lather, rinse, repeat...

Fast forward.

You discover it has been a full blown affair for years and they Love each other, but now that it's blown up,she's willing to do aaaaannnnnyyyyyything to save the marriage.

Listen, you are in shock. I was exactly where you are now, looking for anything to confirm my hope that my WW was not the total shit human being she appeared to be. They even have a term for what I was doing, confirmation bias.

The good news is that you found this site. Now, heed the advice of those who have gone before. It was purchased at significant cost.

Trdd,

You are right. The WW's behavior has more red flags than a North Korean military parade.

Look, no one on SI knows what your W has done other than what you've told us, and you've told us your gut is screaming. That's key. Do not ignore your gut.

By this time, I'd think every woman with a smart phone knws that sexting is potentially dangerous, but your W has done it. That says she's taking undo risks. That's a red flag, even is there's been no sex. Sexting is at best an emotional betrayal, besides being risky behavior. (It's easy to blackmail: 'If you won't make out with me, I'll reveal your sexting' - If you don't take your clothes off, I'll reveal making out - if you won't get me off, I'll reveal your getting naked'....)

She cops to one kiss. My W did a lot more, but I quickly came to realize that even one kiss is a physical betrayal.

Your values may be different from mine. A kiss may be OK with you. But much of what she has done is already affecting you, even if she hasn't fucked the guy.

DO NOT IGNORE THE RED FLAGS. Figure out the issues you have and address them. If your W won't stop this behavior with this guy and with anyone else, is she a good partner for you? My guess is that she isn't.

Protect yourself. If she won't stop - and IMO that includes not starting with someone else while M to you - make the hard choices to be alone or with a good partner.

I know that's easier said than done, but why doom yourself to a life with a lousy partner?

I would send the email if it is in her name. (Not a shared email) I know this will be hard to hear but I would bet anything that this is not just an emotional affair but physical as well. Mr reasoning…adults have sex, they don’t talk about having sex. They had opportunity and desire. Lastly, she admitted when she said I can’t wait to be around you again. Or whatever she said exactly. The key word here is
"again". She can continue to say it was just make believe but after reading maybe thousands of these stories I can’t remember one where they just texted when the had opportunity. I’m sorry but she is lying to you. Playing you for a fool. Put a stop to it.

I would bet $MILLIONS that this is way more than EA. Adults who are sexting and have physical proximity do not limit their behaviors to 7th grade actions. As dontlookbackinanger referred to, a truism here is that EA + proximity = PA about 99.5% of the time.

- Written timeline
- Polygraph to confirm veracity & completeness of timeline
- She also gets asked about any physical contact with OM or anyone else besides you

Sorry OP. This is about as certain as things get without video evidence.

But, how do others view EAs?

Brother, take a deep breath. The odds that this was only an EA are slim and even then doesn't make it better. And, given what you've seen, it is almost certainly physical as well. Trust your instincts on this.

1. Cheaters lie

2. Grey Rock/180

3. Get an STI test

4. Have her send a formal NC letter that she writes herself and shows to you. No bullsh1t about letting him down easy or she wants to work on her marriage or any other nonsense. "Do not contact me ever again" or words to that effect.

5. See #1

6. Tell the other spouse what you know

7. Get a timeline

8. See #1

9. Revise the timeline after you scrutinize the hell out of it.

10. Schedule a polygraph

11. Tell the other spouse what you know now

12. Tell your and her family. Not to humiliate or punish, but to hold her accountable.

13. See #1

THEN, you can START to begin healing and can be in a better position to decide whether to R or D. The marriage you thought you had is over. You get to decide whether you want a new one with the person you know your wife now to be. You were mistaken before. Now she has shown you who she is and YOU get to choose whether that is someone you want to be with.

Of course, she can choose to leave as well, which is just as well. You must be genuinely willing to lose the marriage if there's any hope.

Keep coming back here and listen to the advice. Take what's useful and leave the rest. The only way to get out of this is through it.

Stay strong!

[This message edited by 1994 at 7:14 PM, Monday, March 4th]

It’s not just texts. It’s soooo much more than that.

It’s the fact that your spouse put someone ahead of you. They communicate freely while the betrayed gets crumbs.

The AP gets attention and novel length emails while the betrayed gets one text a week with nothing more than "ok".

I hope this helps you.

You're in denial. People don't exchange naked pics,unless they're having sex. They're adults. They're behaving like adults. They're having sex.

But..let's say they haven't actually had sex yet..at the very least, he is getting off to your wife's pictures. That makes it physical.

Don't email his wife. He may intercept it.

Call his wife. Or, send her a certified letter, one that requires her signature. Send her a copy of the evidence you have. Include your phone number.

Please don't protect her from the consequences of her actions. If you do, she'll either take it underground, or eventually find another ap.