SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Removed as it was a double post.

[This message edited by Elica at 5:58 AM, Saturday, March 9th]

When I found out (year and a half ago) that the thing had been physical and the full extent of what this woman had done, said about me and my family when she was finally kicked out, etc etc. it was blind rage. I also felt I had been robbed of the chance to go nuclear back when it all happened 8 years ago. I did get her fired, but that is another story. Plus she thinks I did that NOT my husband. My husband sent a fairly cordially No Contact letter, that I am sure she thought I wrote. So after she tried to rejoin the company and got fired again (this time she knew it was my husband who stood up in front of the board and said she had violated the severance agreement by rejoining the company and would need to be re-fired), things should have been radio silent. But she started showing up again, visiting the offices, driving by our house. This time my husband in his own illegible handwriting taped a note to her car window saying « Stay the hell away from me and my family forever, signed, his name ». This felt really good. It was the smack down I needed. It gave me a lot of closure. It was a year and a half ago and I have felt less anger toward her since then.

I guess what I’m saying is sometimes its needed.

Not that it ever really works, because in the last few weeks she has been making unnecessary appointments to show up in his offices again when she knows he might be there. It hasn’t yet led to an actual face to face but it likely will at some point.

Do not misplace or misdirect your very righteous anger to the affair partner. She had no legal agreement with you. Your husband did, though.

Anger toward the AP is not something I understand very well. Barring it being a relative (like a sister, etc.).

They did not marry me. They did not promise to love and honor me. They owed me nothing. But my husband? He owed me more than this!

This is not her just desserts to absorb. It’s his. Don’t lose focus. She is a distraction. A distraction for him from reality.

Do not let her become your distraction.

Writing a letter will do nothing to her. And it’s a waste of paper.

Write her name on the bathroom stalls in marker in Walmart. Or go into the men’s room and put her number there if you wish, titled free blow jobs. Or whatever.

Don’t give her proof that you’re upset by her. Just do the silent revenge that will make her life hell. Buy her lingerie two sizes too small. Msg me for other fun side games.

But don’t take your eyes off the main game- him.

The same as you, I did not get a say in how my husband ended the affair. I was in such a huge amount of shock, and tbh in the months prior to me finding out, he had became a near stranger in my eyes. So, as stupid as it sounds, I almost felt like it wasn't my place to decide or be a part of it 🤮

Assuming my husband is being truthful about what was said, he told her it was all based on lies, they are both shitty people and he wants to work on things with me. She grasped at straws and said he can't just stay for the kids, but he told her it was nothing to do with the kids, but that we still have a connection that needs to be explored (not exactly the declaration of love I would have preferred). She cried and cried and said she doesn't want to believe it didnt mean anything. She was "in love" with him apparently 🙄 She also said she didn't want him to share any details with me about their 3 month relationship as that would make it less special and that it was "theirs" 🤔 This woman is delusional, as you can see!

So yes, 7 months after the affair and I'd begun to find my barings, I sent her a message. My husband didn't want me to, as she is nutty as a fruitcake, but he eventually agreed that if it would give me some form of closure (as he took this away from me by ending it without my input) then I should do what I needed, and he would just have to suffer any consequences.

I'm not the type of person to start name calling. But I am the type of person who will kill with kindness and patronise you 🙂

So having an insight into how she felt about him and what she said when he ended the affair, I desperately needed my say and to burst her little childish bubble. It was extremely important to my own healing. I felt I needed to take back my rightful place in my own life on some level.

To summarise, I basically said that our marriage was never broken as he tried to justify to himself but that he was broken in ways neither of us really knew. I explained how we are repairing our marriage and that he is on a journey to fix himself. I explained the lengths he is going to to become a better man and a better husband, and that we have even visited some of the places he begrudgingly took her and we have reclaimed them as ours. I made sure she knew that I knew all of the details, and that he would crawl through broken glass to make this work. I made clear that he was lying to her and come the end, why could she not see that he desperately wanted out of the affair and that it was a pity she felt the need to cling onto someone who made it clear they were not interested. I explained how, as awful as this was, it has been a catalyst for us both to work on ourselves and become better people, with an even more fulfilling marriage. I ended with something along the lines that competing for crumbs of a married man's time demonstrates a pitiful lack of self respect and she really should aim higher in life. Oh and that hopefully karma does not find her.

I made it clear that a response was absolutely unwelcome, and hopefully she finds happiness one day.

I can't tell you how glad I am that I sent that. What she may think, I genuinely don't care. It was for me and me only.

Oh, and my husband said he feels I came across extremely dignified, with just the right amount of belittlement 🤭

OK – Just to simplify matters then let’s make the first-time-ever-on-this-site assumption that your husband had been 100% honest.
That means we are to believe the following statements [the ones in brackets direct quotes from you];
she initiated the contact [she asked for his number, he gave it to her]
he didn’t want to do this but was forced or blackmailed [he honestly didn’t mean for it to get where it did, but then they would do things in his car] and [he was sick, got rid of her number and was trying to ghost her, but she was threatening him that she was going to tell me]
despite his reluctant participation her hold on him is so strong he feels compelled to call her even when she does not initiate [He pulled up to some woman’s house and asked "you got some time"]

With the above in mind…
I think sending her a letter is about as sensible as asking the Jack Daniels distillery to not sell an alcoholic husband their bourbon.

In another thread you mention letting her husband know. You also say that your husband insists her husband knew and was fine with it. Basically saying that even if you were to let him know, it would neither hurt her husband nor surprise him. Therefore making it IMHO a win-win situation for you.

I sent a letter to AP, WH and OBS all at the same time (I had already told OBS about the A - this was not an exposure letter but it was some "here's some more info and proof letter). This was after dday-2 (1 year of false R) and I had just had it. I attached a bunch of screenshots of their conversations (and hers to me as in my case she sent me a few choice texts blaming me for trying to ruin her child's life by exposing her affair). The letter was mostly to AP and WH but I did explain my feelings as something the OBS likely felt too. This was a - you fucked up my/OBS life but really look what shitty people you both are letter.

The caveat being I sent this FOR ME and for me ONLY. I did not care what happened to me and WH - at that point I was planning to leave him and could have cared less how mad it made him or whatever. It felt GREAT to be honest - OBS contacted me later and thanked me for giving him proof of some things AP had been lying about (they later divorced) and apparently WH and AP had a massive blowout about it because I had included some screenshots of things were they both were clearly lying to each other as well as me and OBS.

Again, I did not care what anyone did with the letter - it was for me to say how I felt and lay it all out there - it was like the biggest load was lifted from me. But, I would not recommend this method unless you are really willing to completely let go of the outcome as there is no telling what could happen.

I didn't write a letter of closure to the AP, but I did reach out to her about a month after dday to ask if she might be pregnant because my WS didn't want to break NC (even with my permission) to ask her, and I knew her and had her contact info. I was polite. She was also polite. In her reply, she apologized for her "past actions" and said she hoped this would be the last time she ever heard from me or WS. *cue extremely bitter laugh* They were still messaging on occasion, and two weeks later, they met up in person again. I'm sharing this to show that even if the AP apologizes and acts like a good person who did a bad thing, that won't stop them from engaging in shitty behavior.

NC means no contact with AP. From you, WH, etc.

Now - if you want to put a final nail in her coffin - have your WH have a Cease & Desist sent to her from an attorney. I recommend this as you were not part of his NC letter to her. If he balks - this is a huge red flag.

If there is a OBS make sure he gets a copy of any such correspondence.