SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not generally an EP fan but I think this insight on "the new shame" of staying is pretty solid. That said, I did reach out to most of my friends in real life for support. I sort of figured if I can forgive her and I'm the one she hurt maybe they can see their way to it too.

Likewise, I've many time spoken of the feeling of losing something "integrity adjacent" when you have to shift from believing you would definitely leave after cheating and then don't. It might still be a "dealbreaker" with a new deal necessary in R or going forward with D. But a lot of us definitely come here thinking R wouldn't even be something we would consider.

I think you learn a lot of hard lessons as a BS, whether you choose R or D. Seeing yourself as flexible and resilient rather than scared and weak by offering R (and it being true!) is a big part of "the work" for a BS.

I think you learn a lot of hard lessons as a BS, whether you choose R or D. Seeing yourself as flexible and resilient rather than scared and weak by offering R (and it being true!) is a big part of "the work" for a BS.

Nothing to add, I just really love this.

In some cases I don’t think friends walk away b/c you stay.

They walk away b/c they can no longer watch the drama or shitshow you are choosing to live.

I have had to walk away from a few friends who clearly out the bad guy / girl in their life first. Sometimes you can just no longer watch them be abused or lied to or beaten or manipulated.

So you know it’s not going to change and you have to decide between your own sanity or remaining a friend.

Sometimes you have to choose yourself or you will go down with the sinking ship.

@cedarwoods, I'm so sorry about your loss of friends. Until someone has been in this situation, they will never understand the impact this has on all aspects of your life. Whatever you choose to do in your marriage is your choice and your choice alone. I have not shared my situation with any of my family or friends because of this reason. I do not want to be judged as being "weak" for staying. In fact, staying can actually be a sign of strength, given the appropriate circumstances. I've always held the belief, "one and done" and that I would never stay if that happened to me. Fast forward - it happened to me. I recently found out about my H's one-night A that happened years ago.

Prior to me knowing about the A I truly believed he was a man of morals and values. In all fairness, he is. Little did I know that he was dealing with the guilt of his choice back then and would not ever allow himself to do that again. Since learning about the A, he has done everything he can to make it work. He has accepted full responsibility, has never put the blame on me or our issues for his decision, he is in counseling and we are in couples counseling. He is regretful and remorseful. It's not just an act. His A was years ago but he is not the same person he was back then. Neither am I. We have kids and a life we've built together. There has been far more good in our marriage than bad. And I'm no saint either. He may have broken our vows physically, but I have broken them verbally. I AM NOT saying I am responsible for his actions - he, and he alone, is. Both he and I know that.

As of right now I am working on staying. Counseling has been helping me work through the healing process. Although I have not yet forgiven him, I'm hoping to one day do so. If anything, I know our friendship will remain.

If you choose to stay, good for you. If you choose to leave, good for you. It is your marriage, your choice, your circumstances, your life. I'm truly sorry you are in this situation and that some of your "friends" are unable to comprehend the entirety of the situation and the impact it has on everyone and everything around you. I'm sure you've heard this before, but I do recommend counseling to at least talk about things to an unbiased and professional person. Best of luck to you whatever you choose.